Feeling distant from boyfriend since he works so much.

[bamboobam]

I've posted another post about this topic before, but I want to get into more detail since I don't think I was that clear in the other post. Anyway, it's been about 4 months now since my bf has been working nights and basically, I've only been seeing him 1 day out the week and we don't do much anymore. I am a college student in my last semester and I work, so I am busy as well. It's been a tough 4 years and my bf and I have been through a lot of crap... Anyway, I will get to the matter of the issue.

 

The problem is that I am finding it harder and harder to even talk to my boyfriend, let alone do anything with him. Here's an example of how my only day with him would be: 1) He comes from work and would sleep 8-9 hours and I would leave him alone and I would wake him up cuz obviously, I am not going to just watch him sleep all day. 2) We would watch a little tv 3) Have sex 4)Ask to do something such as going to the beach/park and he would complain about being tired 5) Do nothing else and drink some and fall asleep. Just this past weekend, I let him sleep about 8 hours and we watched tv for a bit and we took a nap. He told me he wanted to drink, so the previous day, I bought some drinks and I woke him up from his nap of about 5 hours since it was now night time and he got mad and even cussed me out.

 

Now, it's to the point where I literally don't talk to him about anything since he is so busy and when I do see him, he sleeps and never wants to do anything and it has just gotten harder and harder. Haven't been on a date in forever. We even went out of town about 2 months ago and it seemed like a waste to me. He slept the time we got to the hotel into the evening when we were supposed to go out and he was cursing and getting upset at me when he was the one that said we could go out of town... The comment I distinctly remember was when I was hungry and wanted to get some food and he said "You can walk yourself to get something to eat" though the closest place was about a 30 min. walk....

 

It's just stuff like this that bothers me and obviously, I know he works long days, but the way he treats me bothers me more and more. Yesterday, I made an effort to see him for 5 min. (mind this was about 12 in the afternoon) and I called and he didn't answer and I called again about an hour later and he said he knew I called, but he was heading to work to go to a meeting.. I was like "???" since he made no effort to even say anything and if I didn't call back, he probably wouldn't of tried to call/text back. What should I do?

[jjkk]

Is working graveyard temporary? What hours does he work? How many days a week?

 

I think this is important to know for giving some advice. I will tell you as a night shift worker, especially at the beginning it is extremely difficult to adjust!! 8 hours of sleep during the day after working all night is NOT the same as sleeping 8 hours at night. I work three 12 hour night shifts and I will tell you when I wake up in the afternoon after sleeping all day (which is usually interrupted many times by having to go to the bathroom, day time noises, etc.) it takes me about 2 hours to clear the fog from my head and feel "normal".

 

On days I don't work it's not much better. I feel extremely tired (like can't keep my eyes open tired) frequently. It can come at random times throughout the day/evening. There's some people who become depressed from working nights because it is so hard on your body and it's really difficult to fight through the upheavals in schedule and not living in the "normal" world like everyone else.

 

Now this is what's helped me to have a better quality of life while working night shift...I FORCE myself to get up "early" if I didn't work the night before (and by early I mean 9 or 10) and I give myself an hour to drink some coffee then I FORCE myself to do something, whether it's laundry, work out, even just go outside to get me going. I make sure I spend time outside in the sunlight on these days, too and try to make plans to get me out doing things, otherwise it's too easy to sit home and do nothing and believe me I didn't have that problem when I was working days. I've noticed when I do this I function much better in general. It takes me really truly making myself do it, like dragging @$$ but doing it and eventually (an hour or less) I feel more awake and better but wow, doing it the first little while is tough!!

 

If he worked the night before, unless it's an emergency, why would you expect him to answer your call at noon!!??? Idk what time he gets off but on my night schedule noon is equivalent to most people's 3am!!! I wouldn't call people at 3 am unless it was an emergency. These are things people who have never worked nights don't think about. I just told you all this to help you get a better understanding for how difficult it is to work nights.

 

As far as what you should do, well, first of all, don't call him during the day when you know he's sleeping. Be more understanding of how rough this is for him. There are probably some things he could do to make it easier on himself and he may start handling it better over time. But the questions that I asked at the beginning would be helpful and I could give you some ideas for both of you! Hugs!!

[bamboobam]

I literally just wanted to see him for 5 min. since I was in his area getting something important for school... That's all and come to find out the same time I called, he was leaving to go to a meeting at 2 in the afternoon, so it wouldn't of mattered if I saw him for 5 min. or not since he was leaving anyway. The thing that bothered me was that he wasn't going to say anything, cuz he has done that before... Idk how long he's working the night shift.

 

The hours fluctuates since he works in road construction. He could get up at 2pm for a meeting and go to work from 6 pm-6/8am... or he would work at 6pm/8am with a meeting afterward or just 6pm-8am.. It's not really consistent to me at all. This is all 5-6 days a week right now.

[Penseur]

Have you expressed your dissatisfaction about the way he is treating you?

 

I have found that key detail to be missing from your post here (but I haven't gone back to check your other posts either).

 

Completely different schedules is tough. But that doesn't give him the right to yell at you.

[jjkk]

OK. The inconsistency of his schedule makes it even more difficult for him. I can see how that makes it's confusing and more difficult for you, too. So he's working really long hours, too. So he's getting home and in bed around 9am and then has to get up after only 4 or so hours of sleep to go to a meeting and then work all night again? Ugh!! That's sucks REALLY bad!

 

Idk how your relationship was before he started working nights but this is really tough. It's impossible for people who haven't worked night shifts to really understand what it's like. I love my bf dearly and our time together is limited so I try to keep my schedule fairly open so we can have time together and I'm telling you I wouldn't appreciate having him call me cuz he was in the area to stop and see me for a few minutes if I was up going to a meeting after only 4 hours of sleep AND knowing I'd be up all night again. No way. Like I said, sleep during the day isn't the same as sleep during the night either. It's interrupted, not nearly as refreshing, and most people wake up feeling groggy and crappy and it takes awhile for that feeling to go away.

 

First of all I think you need to learn more about working nights so you can be more understanding and compassionate about what he's dealing with. That means unless it's an emergency DON'T call him during the day when you know he's sleeping and especially don't continue to call and then be upset that he hasn't answered your call. For most people who are up at 6 or 7 am noon seems really late but at noon he's only been asleep for a few hours. Hopefully he turns off the sound to his phone when he's trying to sleep during the day.

 

Second, talk to him about it. Preferably at a time when he's alert and awake and seems to be feeling good. I'd approach it as a concern to how he's dealing w/ working night shift and that you understand how difficult it can be and ask (non-confrontationally) what kinds of things he's doing to make it easier on himself? There's information online on tips for night workers. Some of it will just take time to adjust to and if it's temporary then hopefully things get back to what you're used to quickly once he's on a day schedule again.

 

I know working nights can be really tough on relationships. I think it's especially difficult for the person on a "normal" schedule because they don't understand it from the other person's perspective and it can feel like they're distant or not as available for them, which may be true but it doesn't mean that they don't care or their feelings aren't there.

[bamboobam]

Have you expressed your dissatisfaction about the way he is treating you?

 

I have found that key detail to be missing from your post here (but I haven't gone back to check your other posts either).

have

Completely different schedules is tough. But that doesn't give him the right to yell at you.

 

Yes, I have told him this morning through text since I woke up at 5 am and couldn't sleep since I was thinking about this and he said "I apologize jeez give me a break" and I didn't understand that since I've been as patient as I could be for the past few months...

[bamboobam]

I used to work night shifts myself and I would get off rather late for a full time college student at 11 pm. Back then, things were reversed and my bf was working days and taking part-time night classes. Even the days I tried to see him after working, he could get angry at me because he was tired then too and there was a point then that we didn't do much either. So, I do know what it's like to be up all day and night myself.

 

This was part of the reason why I changed jobs and got a day job, so I can have a chance to be with him more with no issues, and now this is going on. I have scarified a lot. I don't work weekends cuz I open up my time to him cuz if I worked weekends, we would never see eachother and I hate that this is going on.

[jjkk]

So is he generally angry or is the anger new to him working night shift? And no, trust me, going to bed at even 1 or 2 am is not the same as going to bed at 7am.

 

If he's an angry person in general that's a different matter but if this is new to him working night shift then how you're both adjusting to him working night shifts needs to be addressed.

 

As far as feeling like you never go out, I suggest making plans and going out w/ friends. There's no need for you to wait around the house all day while he sleeps, You're young, go out w/ friends and have fun!

[IAmFCA]

Your man is hearing your needs as criticism, when he doesn't feel like he has much choice about his work hours. He needs to know you are on his team, and not one more of a list of responsibilities demanding his energy and time.

 

Of course, a relationship takes two. If this is a long term situation, counseling might help you communicate without him feeling attacked and you feeling rejected.

[bamboobam]

So is he generally angry or is the anger new to him working night shift. And no, trust me, going to bed at even 1 or 2 am is not the same as going to bed at 7am.

 

If he's an angry person in general that's a different matter but if this is new to him working night shift then how you're both adjusting to him working night shifts needs to be addressed.

 

As far as feeling like you never go out, I suggest making plans and going out w/ friends. There's no need for you to wait around the house all day while he sleeps, You're young, go out w/ friends and have fun!

 

I am a student, so I had to get up super early just to study before going to school and getting off late at night, so yes, I see it as the same. Just cuz I wasn't working long hours like he does, doesn't mean I was just as tired and not getting as much sleep (I was getting about 4-5 hours of sleep as well) and there were days after I stopped working nights where I still woke up 4-5 in the morning though I didn't have to.

 

I don't have any friends really that I go out with since they are busy as well... So, I don't do much besides work and school and it's been like this for a while.

[Penseur]

Yes, I have told him this morning through text since I woke up at 5 am and couldn't sleep since I was thinking about this and he said "I apologize jeez give me a break" and I didn't understand that since I've been as patient as I could be for the past few months...

 

Okay. The "jeez give me a break" is uncalled for. Keep your patience. That is extremely virtuous of you to be patient, and I applaud you for being so patient.

 

My advice is to find a time when he is in a good mood and talk to him in person about this. Such as when his "weekend" is here, whenever he gets a break from work and can get rested. Talk to him. It sounds like communication is a problem here because it is implied in your response that you just now brought it up this morning after 4 months or so. That is not to point any blame at you, because that is not the intention here, and it is not a blame game. And text message is too impersonal, and so much meaning gets lost in electronic communication. It sounds like he may not understand your feelings fully.

[jjkk]

Sweetie, I've done many different types of shifts and lived on little sleep before and I promise you working the hours your bf is working is brutal, like nothing else brutal!! It's like nothing I've ever experienced before as far as being tired. It's a different kind of tired and unless you've experienced it doesn't make sense. I'm not saying this to be condescending or anything but just trust me it's different. It's not the same kind of tired as getting 4-5 hours of sleep at night, it's a different kind of tired. Just trust me, please and have compassion for your bf in this aspect.

[bamboobam]

Okay. The "jeez give me a break" is uncalled for. Keep your patience. That is extremely virtuous of you to be patient, and I applaud you for being so patient.

 

My advice is to find a time when he is in a good mood and talk to him in person about this. Such as when his "weekend" is here, whenever he gets a break from work and can get rested. Talk to him. It sounds like communication is a problem here because it is implied in your response that you just now brought it up this morning after 4 months or so. That is not to point any blame at you, because that is not the intention here, and it is not a blame game. And text message is too impersonal, and so much meaning gets lost in electronic communication. It sounds like he may not understand your feelings fully.

 

That's literally the only reason why I sent it through text... he can't really talk to me in detail about that any other time. If I wait till the weekend, obviously I don't feel like arguing and things will just be ruined so I basically kept my mouth shut the whole time to not ruin anything.

[bamboobam]

Sweetie, I've done many different types of shifts and lived on little sleep before and I promise you working the hours your bf is working is brutal, like nothing else brutal!! It's like nothing I've ever experienced before as far as being tired. It's a different kind of tired and unless you've experienced it doesn't make sense. I'm not saying this to be condescending or anything but just trust me it's different. It's not the same kind of tired as getting 4-5 hours of sleep at night, it's a different kind of tired. Just trust me, please and have compassion for your bf in this aspect.

 

I have compassion, and if I didn't I wouldn't of been this patient for months at a time. The way he treats me isn't right either though I was so patient with him. THAT is the problem here.

[bamboobam]

That's literally the only reason why I sent it through text... he can't really talk to me in detail about that any other time. If I wait till the weekend, obviously I don't feel like arguing and things will just be ruined so I basically kept my mouth shut the whole time to not ruin anything.

 

So now, he said he is going to call me tonight I guess to talk about it...

[Penseur]

That's literally the only reason why I sent it through text... he can't really talk to me in detail about that any other time. If I wait till the weekend, obviously I don't feel like arguing and things will just be ruined so I basically kept my mouth shut the whole time to not ruin anything.

 

There is a lot of irony here. The attempts not to ruin your time together by keeping your mouth shut and bottling your feelings up is having the unintended consequence of slowly ruining things. Keep the conversation non-accusatory. You worked nights, so let him know that you empathize with the tough schedule and that you want to work through it.

[jjkk]

So is he angry in general or is this anger or distance specific since he's been working night shift? That makes a HUGE difference.

[bamboobam]

So is he angry in general or is this anger or distance specific since he's been working night shift? That makes a HUGE difference.

 

Sometimes, he has been angry in general before and when he works night shifts. I can't really explain how he has been angry in general right now since I am about to head to school, but I will explain more later. Thanks for your help everyone!

[lavenderdove]

Having a couple where one works nights and the other days is just a horrible situation. And it is well known and researched that for most people trying to work night shifts, it is really horrible on their biorhythms and mental health and exhaustion because humans are not meant to be nocturnal animals! And the work he does is probably physically draining, so he is exhausted and out of whack from working nights.

 

My suggestion is that you try to talk to him about how this job is affecting you as a couple and also him personally, and discuss how he needs to try to find a day job rather than a night job if he wants you to work out as a couple, because you won't be able to permanently deal with the two of you being on different shifts and never being able to see each other.

 

If you already know this is just a short term job and will be over soon, then just tough it out and tell him to please not get another night job like that because it is wrecking your time together. But if it is a permanent job, he's got to either find another job that allows you to have a life together, or both of you need to shift to working the same shifts (day or night) rather than being at opposite schedules.

 

Some couples do make it work, but they are usually married and trade off family child care etc. by working these schedules. so they live together and are busy with family responsibilities when not together so don't miss the contact quite so much.

[BentGattling]

To make any relationship work you need time, energy, effort,a positive attitude, and a willingness to communicate...he can't provide that. Move on.

[bamboobam]

The thing is that I don't know when he is going to stop working nights... He just graduated with an associated in Civil Engineering and he is working and was told by his boss that he could possibly move up as a project manager within the next year. My bf also told me when things slow down (winter time) that he will start the process of figuring out which division he would want to do this in. Now, idk how this is all going to play out so I don't have much more to say about that. Obviously, for this reason he can not change jobs and I was always the one that sacrificed myself to change to a day job and not work weekends to be available to him. I feel kinf of hurt that I did sometimes because of how I feel at times b/c if I worked like he did while being a student, we would never/rarely see eachother/talk to eachother less than we are now.

[bamboobam]

To make any relationship work you need time, energy, effort,a positive attitude, and a willingness to communicate...he can't provide that. Move on.

 

I agree and I have a ? mark on my mind sometimes whether things would always be like this. If so, I know I don't want to live together with him be engaged/married b/c what's the point of living together if we never see eachother? If there's kids involved would he ever be there? Yea, he could provide financially, but I want someone who can be a father who's always there. I grew up in a home where my dad was a druggie and he wasn't really there like he should of and now with me being 22 years old, our relationship still isn't that great, but it's ok. I know it's not the same predicament, but not being there physically and emotionally is really hard period. Just a lot of questions at the moment.

[bamboobam]

So is he angry in general or is this anger or distance specific since he's been working night shift? That makes a HUGE difference.

 

Ok to answer your question further, there were times he would be very angry... There used to be times he would play video games while I was in the room with him and he would literally yell at me if I was to laugh if his character died in the video game or what not. He would slam his hand down on the couch and was very loud even when his family was sleeping. He's acted like this before with small things as well. He doesn't do it as much now since we obviously don't see each other as much so idk if he has really changed from the random anger spurts. When he works nights now, he would get agitated if I was to ask to do something with him even if it is as simple as going to the beach/park. I asked him 3 times within the past 3 weeks and he would say yea but we never ended up doing anything or mentioning it... so I stopped asking. Like I said, I mentioned if I left him alone to sleep (which I did last Saturday when I saw him) and he woke up around noon since he got off at 3 am that night. Then, we took a nap around 4pm and I woke him up around 8pm so we could drink since he said he wanted to. As a result after waking him, he was irate and said very mean things to me.

[weathergirl]

Just this past weekend, I let him sleep about 8 hours and we watched tv for a bit and we took a nap. He told me he wanted to drink, so the previous day, I bought some drinks and I woke him up from his nap of about 5 hours since it was now night time and he got mad and even cussed me out.

 

 

bamboo, I don't really care how tired and stressed he is from working graveyard… there is NO EXCUSE for him cussing you out and cursing/yelling at you as you mentioned in a later post. That’s verbal abuse and again NO EXCUSE for that.

 

Men who physically abuse their partners use that excuse also. Tired and stressed like that gives your boyfriend (or any man) justification to verbally abuse and/or otherwise disrespect you and treat you like yesterday’s trash.

 

In addition to that which is bad enough, he is completely indifferent to your feelings and needs and at every attempt you have made to communicate your thoughts and feelings to him, he knocks you down and/or squelches your attempts to talk to him.

 

If I may ask, what are you getting out of this relationship? It does not sound healthy and functional at all.

 

I understand he’s tired and stressed from working graveyard, but still that is NO EXCUSE for him verbally abusing you and thwarting your attempts to communicate with him.

 

If it were me, I would leave this RL. I understand he is your only source of emotional support, but from the sounds of it, it doesn’t sound like he’s giving you much of that at all, so what’s the point? To the contrary, he’s bringing you down.

 

No I don’t think you are being selfish if you leave. You’ve been patient and compassionate long enough and look where it’s got you. No where except with a boyfriend who verbally abuses you and refuses to communicate with you. Arghhh!

 

I think you should gather up all the strength you have within you and end this fiasco of a RL. Take this opportunity to learn about yourself, make new friends and build up your self-esteem so next time you encounter a guy like this, you’ll know what to do.

 

Good luck sweetie and ((hugs))…. 

 

ETA: And for those who are blaming his anger issues on working graveyard, I am calling BS on that. My BIL works graveyard and yes he is very tired and often stressed, but he still treats my sister with respect and kindness. I know everyone reacts differently, but still....it's no excuse to verbally abuse and thwart any attempts at communication, and basically disrespect bamboo and her attempts to work this out with him.