Lost... don't know what to do with my life anymore

[Lovelavie]

This year has been a year of discoveries for me. I think I've matured more than any other year of my life. I'm in my third year of college and I started this year regretting what I chose to major in. I decided to work with fashion design and it had always been a dream of mine, however I've started to realize this is not exactly what I want and I'm not so sure I'll make money pursuing this carreer. I feel like I've wasted quite some time and now I'm trying to somewhat "fix it". I also can't find a job in the field and I need to do so in order to complete the work hours my college asks for. I've been looking since the beginning of the year and I only got called to two interviews only but they didn't choose me. I search daily, but nothing comes up.

 

Also, this year I started a relationship with a wonderful guy, we've been together for 9 months now and we've had our ups and downs but I consider him my best friend and he always seems to have the right answers for me. He's kind of the rational balance of the relationship while I'm more on the emotional side. However this year, my friends have distanced a lot from me and I got a lot closer to his friends. Not that it's bad because I really like his friends, but if we were ever to break up, they'll be more present in his life though. We've been off from college for two months until last week and I kept asking my friends to do something and they turned me down every single time. In two months I didn't see them once. Also, I'm having some issues with drugs. Nothing too serious, but I've realized how awful drugs can be and how they suck you in and how hard it is to get out... I found myself more anxious to go to clubs to take the drugs rather than to listen to the music itself, when before I wanted to go for the music only, being an electronic music fanatic, and the drug was just an extra. That's when I saw how bad it was getting. However, my boyfriend also enjoys this and he's been telling me recently how he doesn't like doing it anymore but he's in the same boat as me, and it's so hard to say no. Our friends are starting to abuse it too, and we're all just getting too much out of it and it seems like my boyfriend and I are the only ones who are thinking about this.

 

My relationship at home isn't the most pleasant also, I get into constant little arguments with my mom and my dad has become a very sensitive and emotional person these last years and we grew further apart. I know my parents love me and I love them as well, but I don't feel comfortable at home most of the time even though I try to improve my relationship with them, it's still a long process.

 

Since yesterday I've been in the deep sadness. To be true, it's since this night. My boyfriend, some friends and I went to this club and we took a bunch of drugs and got really messed up. I mean, the whole time there I felt great, but coming home I felt so ridiculous for this, you know? For lying to my parents, seeing all my friends get drugged up, seeing myself get drugged up and taking a drug after another as if I had no control over myself. Part of it was a bad trip because of the acid I took, I started thinking about everything that is going wrong with my life, and that just made things worse.

 

My boyfriend spent the day at my house with me, and I didn't want the time for him to go home to come because I knew I'd feel alone. I've been in deep sadness before, but this year is the first time I feel kind of hopeless. After my BF left I sent him a message telling him I was sad about everything that was going on, explained it to him, he was very supportive and I couldn't stop bawling while I talked to him. I feel like if I ever lose him I'll be completely alone, since I can't call the people I thought were my friends, friends anymore.

 

I'm just in deep deep sadness and it's something that won't go away. I just don't know what to do, I keep crying and trying to find an answer but I'm completely lost.

[SooSad33]

I think you're now, starting to really think about things and are coming to terms with it all- which is good.

The next step is.. WHAT can you do to improve things?

 

Can you stop the college thing? As it is not what you want, after all..

I strongly suggest you really back off those drugs! Especially that much and mixing.. so NOT good. For your health, mentally, etc.

I'm sure you don't want to die of drug overdose, do you? Or look like your 60, when your 40!?

Seriously, think about your future, now.

 

As for you & your bf. I suggest some therapy, as you should not be feeling so overwhelmed when he has to go.

I think some good help, mentally will help you come to terms with some issue's you've got.

 

But, yes, YOU have to start somewhere and change some things here.

As I mentioned.. is it worth it to continue with your studies? Can you change it?

Deal with the drug problem.. get into some therapy. Learn to love & appreciate yourself again. Get grounded!

 

One day at a time.. good luck

[catfeeder]

You're only making everything worse with the drugs. If you think you're bummed now, each time you use you're altering your brain chemistry--potentially permanently.

 

You may need to feel down for a while before you can start to normalize, and you may want to consider working with a therapist who can help you kick the habit that's crushing your spirit.

[Lovelavie]

 

Can you stop the college thing? As it is not what you want, after all..

\

 

It's actually not worth it right now since I have less than a year and a half left to finish it, so I'm thinking about finishing it and then study something else that can co-relate to fashion design in someway like marketing. But it's really putting me down that I can't find a job anywhere no matter how hard I try and I see other people getting jobs even though they're not as qualified. All my friends are currently employed which makes it even harder to accept the fact that I'm the "only one" left.

 

Also, it has never been hard on me when my BF has to leave, but these past days it feels like I'm really dependent of him because it feels like he's the only one that cares about me. I'm tired of running after my friends and getting no response, while all of his friends are always around and care about each other, and I don't have anything close to that. I'm starting to feel alone and when I'm on drugs it's a time where I don't think about anything and I can forget about everything... I know it's bad but currently I have nothing to look forward to. I see everyone around me getting their lives fulfilled and I'm stuck here just trying to move on with my career and I can't!

 

There are a bunch of things going wrong for me this year and I can say that the only good thing that happened to me was starting this relationship and I can't see another way of meeting new people and making actual friends, not just acquaintances. I'm tired of feeling alone...