Success stories?

[Jewels7]

Why does it seem like an abusive, violent or even just mean man pick up and move on with life, join dating websites, start to see other people while you're stuck cleaning up the pieces even when you left him? Why does it hurt so bad when you think he's dating someone else and over you even though you know he's bad for you? How can one love a man so much who treats her badly? It's been 3 months since I left and I'm no where near over it. I missed my turn off the interstate today and had a panic attack when I realized it would put me through his town and I went way out of the way to avoid. Yes I'm going to counseling now but the thought of him with someone still physically hurts. During my panic attack I had the overwhelming feeling of never being able to get over him and loving him and being alone forever.

 

Is there anyone out there who has experienced a toxic relationship and went on to fully and completely get over the man (or woman) when they thought they never would?? I've lost all hope at this point.

[ParisPaulette]

Yes, you do get over it. My first and my last relationships were both very toxic in very different ways and I did get over those men. I learned from the experiences, however ugly they were and yes they were. And I moved on stronger, wiser and much, much happier once I got past the stage of building my own life back up and letting go of the illusions and fantasies of love those relationships made me believe at the time. You need to remember three months is still extremely early in the breakup and it takes more time than that. And if you've been with someone who damaged your self-esteem and self-respect many times it takes longer that it would in a normal breakup with someone who wasn't abusive to you to begin with. You have to learn to rebuild yourself up as well as get over a breakup and it can be overwhelming. But any time you feel bad remind yourself you are seeing a therapist, you are now out of harm's way, this man can't physically hurt you, it will be all right. Repeat that to yourself when you get down, do nice things for yourself, and keep going.

 

Also, he's out there acting like nothing happened, because he needs someone new to abuse and mistreat. That's his drug, it's what makes him get up in the morning, you are no longer providing the fix so he needs to find a new supply. Someone who mistreats others is not going to stop and pine for another and do some introspection about how to fix their life. All they know is they've lost control and they need to get it back in order to fill whatever Fed up void it is they believe mistreating others fills it. That's all you need to know. He wasn't sane and rational during your relationship, he's not sane and rational now, he never will be.

 

You on the other hand are getting there, so you're actually ahead. Also stop tracking him and what he's doing. Stop it altogether and instead tell yourself he is dead to you for all time. And treat it like that. Really, I know how hard that is to do, but every time you peek it just sets you back and let's the illusions you might have had about him fester and seem real. Delete him completely and totally from your life and you will feel better. Treat him like an addiction you have to get clean from for starters, that's what helped me move on faster.

[blueidealist24]

ITA with ParisPaulette. Btw, even though he's back out there dating, his next relationship probably won't work, either. He'll probably end up doing the same thing to her, too. Most of these men do unless they get into serious therapy, and if he's running around dating people, he's probably not. It's likely that a therapist would recommend a break from dating to him if he did see one on a regular basis (I don't mean just going once to tell himself he "got help").

[Jewels7]

Thank you ParisPaulette. You always give really good advice. I've been so good and I don't look him up on FB or anywhere. I made a mistake though and decided to google his name and that's when I saw he had joined a dating website. It shouldn't hurt but it does so badly. I know how he pined over his ex wife and I guess my ego is hurt. Although I need to keep in mind the bad things his ex wife told me he did to her. I guess if I had married him it would have only gotten worse. That's at least what I tell myself to help me through it!

 

And thank you Blueidealist. You are right. I need to remember he will have the same problems in his next relationship. I got the whole "I will go to counseling if you will just wait for me and give me another chance" to 2 weeks later "I got help and have worked on myself but you wouldn't even give me another chance" and In the next breath said horrible things to me and told me he would get over me and be happy again (I guess that's when he joined a dating website) That's not a sign of someone who has changed or is trying to change for that matter. This pain is just unbearable and I thought I would be feeling a lot better by now.

[mg22]

Once you realize he has a problem ( NARCISSIT) all the pieces will fall in place. Its not you dear don't blame yourself or go crazy analyzing him. Some one out there will find you and make you happy !

[SooSad33]

"Why does it seem like an abusive, violent or even just mean man pick up and move on with life, join dating websites, start to see other people"

- Because they're selfish and weak and won't face reality. They avoid it at all costs.

 

"it's been 3 months since I left and I'm no where near over it. I missed my turn off the interstate today and had a panic attack when I realized it would put me through his town and I went way out of the way to avoid. Yes I'm going to counseling now but the thought of him with someone still physically hurts. "

- It's been 3 mos. You've got a ways to go. YOu have been affected in many ways and need more time to work on accepting & healing from it all.

 

It took me over 9 mos to stop the tears. I needed therapy & anxiety med's. Was a LTR of 5 yrs. I hit rock bottom after losing him.

Keep going.. keep up with your work on taking care of yourself now. You will start to see the light, soon enough. Another few months..

 

One day at a time.

[blueidealist24]

Oh, so he's done this to an ex-wife, too. That only increases the chances that he'll do this to the next person. You're better off without him.. but you know that!

[Jewels7]

Update: I want to move on so badly. I want to get over him. Some sick part of me though wants to hear that he's doing badly because I am. I got a weird FB message the other night from someone who claimed it was my ex's friend and said they made up a name because they wanted to stay anonymous and that he didn't know they were talking to me and then in the end said they were my ex's "cousin". The person wanted to know what happened between us. Wouldn't tell me who they were and when I said well how about you give me your number and l will call you. I also said my ex had made other Facebooks to look at my stuff and the person replied "I don't know what other accounts you're referring to" The person started getting agitated and mean. Told me I was lying (because I actually gave him a friends number because they told me to in order to see if they would call and we could find out who it really was), told me I was inconsiderate and they were sorry they wasted their time. When I said I knew it was my ex the person told me I wasn't "too bright." I just don't get why anyone else would do something like that. I feel like it very well might have been him (it sounded like him in certain phrases he used). I finally blocked this screen name. It just left me upset and confused all over again. Why would he stoop to doing something like that yet why would anyone else do it either? I don't get it. He's so unbalanced but yet I feel like the crazy one.