fixyou_ Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 I have been seeing this guy for about two months. We both work, he lives about 45 minutes away from me. I live at home, he lives by himself. He's 36, I'm 26. He has used some very harsh words and insults toward me whenever he's upset, like if I can't come over because it's late and I have work in the A.M., if I was too tired, and this has only been once or twice). Last night after working all day and babysitting for a friend the guy I've been seeing and I decided to hang out. I told him I'd need to go home, shower, change, and I'd be there in an hour and a half, including the 45 minute drive to his house. Well, the highway was backed up a good 15 minutes and told him I'd be a little later than I expected. He texts me back: "We'll just hang out tomorrow night then. I'm already in bed. Nite." "Nite." "Ok, go expletive yourself." over a 5 minute span. As soon as I saw the "let's just hang out tomorrow night" thing, I was crushed and just turned around even though I was like 5 minutes away from his house. About 20 minutes later I texted him back and said "Ok, well I guess I will expletive myself because I turned around." He got very upset, started swearing at me, telling me to drop dead, insulting me... and said he was just kidding. I told him I didn't know he was kidding (and I don't think he was; I think he was drunk, which is a pretty common thing for him. He's told me he was in rehab 3 times for painkillers. But hey, everyone has their demons. I don't tend to judge people on their pasts). He then proceeded to continue insulting me for turning around, ruining his night, being a "retard" for not knowing he was joking, etc. I think part of me wants to "fix" him and just make him happy; that would make me happy. I was in a very, very physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive relationship prior to this and I have not dated much since that ended completely about 4 years ago. I don't say things that I don't mean, even if I am upset. He knows about my abusive relationship, and continues to be harsh towards me at times. I know it's because he's been drinking too much. I try so hard with this guy, and I know I should leave him... I know he doesn't deserve me. I texted him back and told him that last night was just bs and I want to forget about it and just see each other tonight, and that I missed him and all I ever want to do is just see him and be with him. He hasn't texted me back at all. He has a history of getting angry over nothing and not talking to me for a day or two, and then apologizing. It's never been as worse as last night, though. Ugh. Thoughts? Comments? Ideas? Help? Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Run, run far away, this guy is bad news, what gives him the right to speak to you like this? after the way he treated you that night you go and tell him you miss him and want to forget it, you are teaching him that he can treat you like that and get away with it. On a last note, the painkillers and alcohol aren't just his demons they are major red flags that you will have wished you read if this relationship continues. Link to comment
niceandslow Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 You're situation sounds similar to mine with getting out of an abusive relationship. From the sounds of it, this seems like the start of what could become an abusive relationship. Do yourself a huge favor and get out before it gets worse. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Four years have passed but you're still on a similar path. The fact that you still want to 'fix' and even think you can shows that something very, very significant as to why you're finding yourself going down the same road once again; You haven't resolved that fixer aspect of yourself. If you know you should leave him, and you deserve better - Why aren't you? What stops you? What runs through your head when you consider it? Link to comment
fixyou_ Posted August 16, 2014 Author Share Posted August 16, 2014 I can't walk away because I'd worry about him. I hate not knowing if someone's okay or not. Link to comment
fixyou_ Posted August 16, 2014 Author Share Posted August 16, 2014 Run, run far away, this guy is bad news, what gives him the right to speak to you like this? after the way he treated you that night you go and tell him you miss him and want to forget it, you are teaching him that he can treat you like that and get away with it. On a last note, the painkillers and alcohol aren't just his demons they are major red flags that you will have wished you read if this relationship continues. I've asked him several times why he thinks he can talk to me like that and all he says is, "Sorry. When I act like that just ignore me. I'm not myself." Yeah, no kidding because he drinks too much. Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 I can't walk away because I'd worry about him. I hate not knowing if someone's okay or not. If you stay with a man like this then you cant complain when he treats you badly, by staying you are telling him that its OK. What are you expecting people to say on here? Link to comment
fixyou_ Posted August 16, 2014 Author Share Posted August 16, 2014 Four years have passed but you're still on a similar path. The fact that you still want to 'fix' and even think you can shows that something very, very significant as to why you're finding yourself going down the same road once again; You haven't resolved that fixer aspect of yourself. If you know you should leave him, and you deserve better - Why aren't you? What stops you? What runs through your head when you consider it? I have never really been able to walk away. I'm stubborn and end up getting hurt. I'll always be a fixer. I'm an emotional and sensitive person. The other part of me just hears all the insults from this guy and my ex and I just freeze up and can't walk away. Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 I've asked him several times why he thinks he can talk to me like that and all he says is, "Sorry. When I act like that just ignore me. I'm not myself." Yeah, no kidding because he drinks too much. His reply is no excuse, hes playing you for a fool Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 When he starts to hit you and says ‘ignore me, I'm not myself' what then?? Link to comment
fixyou_ Posted August 16, 2014 Author Share Posted August 16, 2014 If you stay with a man like this then you cant complain when he treats you badly, by staying you are telling him that its OK. What are you expecting people to say on here? I understand what you're saying, but I am very open with the guy about the situation not being OK. I don't know what I'm expecting people to say. I don't have many people to talk to, and do not want to really talk to them about this topic. Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 People will tell you to leave him, but if you wont there isn't much anyone can say or do, people like him don't change so you will have to just put up with his behaviour. Link to comment
niceandslow Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Did you seek therapy after your first abusive relationship? I would say I was a fixer also. You become codependent in these relationships. It's not healthy. Read up on codependency and focus on you. This man won't change and it won't get any better. Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Sorry I don't mean to sound so harsh Link to comment
fixyou_ Posted August 16, 2014 Author Share Posted August 16, 2014 When he starts to hit you and says ‘ignore me, I'm not myself' what then?? Good point. Sigh... Every effort that I make is met with tension. Career-wise, family-wise, friend-wise. I feel like the universe hates me. And I'm a good girl I'm halfway done with my master's, have an okay career in the field until I'm done with my master's, intellectual, at least semi-attractive lol, and I try so hard for everything... Link to comment
fixyou_ Posted August 16, 2014 Author Share Posted August 16, 2014 Sorry I don't mean to sound so harsh It's okay. Someone needs to be harsh to me about it. Link to comment
fixyou_ Posted August 16, 2014 Author Share Posted August 16, 2014 Did you seek therapy after your first abusive relationship? I would say I was a fixer also. You become codependent in these relationships. It's not healthy. Read up on codependency and focus on you. This man won't change and it won't get any better. Yes. I had extensive therapy for about 5 months, but stopped going because I just felt worse and that it wasn't going anywhere. I was on 150 mg of Zoloft for about two years and recently have been weening myself off of it because I feel worse/plateaued. I was shutting down more because all I was doing is focusing on all the horrible things he (ex) did to me and said to me. Yeah, I definitely feel like I'm codependent. Thank you, I will look into it for sure. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 I can't walk away because I'd worry about him. I hate not knowing if someone's okay or not. Does he worry about you and your feelings when he tells you to drop dead, screw yourself? And then he tells you he is kidding...Rest assured, he wasn't. He had a little tantrum and then instead of taking any kind of accountability for it, tried to pass it off as a joke. That's actually gaslighting. I have never really been able to walk away. I'm stubborn and end up getting hurt. I'll always be a fixer. I'm an emotional and sensitive person. The other part of me just hears all the insults from this guy and my ex and I just freeze up and can't walk away Why do you want to fix people? Does it give you worth, value? Do you think that if you work someone over in that way, that there was something really special about you that you were able to make them change their ways? Yes. I had extensive therapy for about 5 months, but stopped going because I just felt worse and that it wasn't going anywhere. I was on 150 mg of Zoloft for about two years and recently have been weening myself off of it because I feel worse/plateaued. I was shutting down more because all I was doing is focusing on all the horrible things he did to me and said to me. Yeah, I definitely feel like I'm codependent. Thank you, I will look into it for sure. Find another therapist. Are you weaning under doctor's supervision? Please do. Link to comment
fixyou_ Posted August 16, 2014 Author Share Posted August 16, 2014 Does he worry about you and your feelings when he tells you to drop dead, screw yourself? And then he tells you he is kidding...Rest assured, he wasn't. He had a little tantrum and then instead of taking any kind of accountability for it, tried to pass it off as a joke. That's actually gaslighting. Why do you want to fix people? Does it give you worth, value? Do you think that if you work someone over in that way, that there was something really special about you that you were able to make them change their ways? Find another therapist. Are you weaning under doctor's supervision? Please do. Yes, I saw my doctor last month for a physical and asked her to take me off of it. She agreed, but highly suggested I see another therapist. I've tried, but one canceled our first appointment so I never called back. I called another place and they never even called me back. I need someone who is going to be sort of harsh about things and not so upbeat about the positive side. Maybe I should see a male therapist? The two psychotherapists I've seen were both women, and I quit going to them. The last one was a great person, but I just couldn't open up much to her. Link to comment
greta96 Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Every effort that I make is met with tension. Career-wise, family-wise, friend-wise. I feel like the universe hates me. No, the Universe doesn't hate you, but you need to change your pattern when it comes to dating, and put an end to abuse. Your ex was abusive, this guy is abusive...what's the common denominator? You. It's up to you to make a change, nobody can do it for you. You say you're a fixer, but you have to start by fixing yourself first, before being able to fix anyone else. Start by saying NO to abuse, to rude treatment, to being talked to like a cockroach... and the first thing you need to do is dump the jerk. Then go back to therapy and take a long break from dating, to work on yourself, so that next time you meet a guy, you recognize the signs of abuse and run away before getting in too deep. If you don't break the pattern of dating abusive men, you will only meet more of this kind, even if you do eventually dump the current one. You have to really make a pact with yourself that you won't allow anyone anymore to talk to you like that, treat you like that, and to promise yourself that if someone tried to, you're out the door, with no explanations. If you do that, you'll see how things are going to start looking up for you, in every way. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Well, being frank isn't a trait reserved for male therapists. If you feel more comfortable with a man, by all means...But it isn't going to guarantee you the sort of therapist you're looking for. I understand what you're saying, though. My previous therapist, who I only quit seeing because she retired, was like that. She was very realistic, sharp and helped me keep focus. I don't do well with people blowing unicorns and glitter out of their butts. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to shop around for awhile to find the sort of therapist that you have a therapist/patient "chemistry" with. I would suggest researching for perhaps a trauma therapist, and see how you even feel on the phone when you call around. If you don't even like their tone of voice, next. When you have your initial consults, just feel them out. Tell them too, what you're looking for, what your goals are(no matter how minor they may seem to you), what WORKS for you. Gauge their responses, go with your gut. Be patient. It can take some time. Link to comment
sleepingdonut Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 I understand you want to help this guy, but what about the non-abusive guy out there that's still single, waiting for a good girl to come into his life? Would be a shame if he never finds one because they're all busy trying to fix abusive guys that don't want to be fixed. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 It's not your job to "fix/change" him, as he is who he is. With that being said, the verbal abuse will likely continue to escalate and turn physical, especially if you take on the role of being his doormat. Respect yourself, you deserve much more than what this clown has to offer. Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 I can't walk away because I'd worry about him. I hate not knowing if someone's okay or not. Unless you're his mother, sister, sponsor or whatnot - it's not your job to fix him... If you want to, you'll be wasting time. Unless you feel the need to coddle him "/ One thing I've learned from my own abusive past is that the moment you cross the line from partner to parent role - the person rarely maintains feelings for you anyways... Never mistake yourself for your bf's caregiver. Instead - take care of yourself! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Leave. This is a new relationship, you have separate homes. End it. These articles may help you understand and grow, which is the most any of us can strive for: to keep going, every day smarter than yesterday. Article 1 link removed Article 2 link removed Article 3 link removed Link to comment
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