I Miss the Old you...the New One Sucks.

[JGintheOC]

I didn't realize at first there was a "JOURNAL" section on this site and I think it's a fantastic idea for people who want to express themselves but don't have the resource to do so. With all the media in the news lately about depression and hopelessness I wanted to express myself.

 

At the current point in time I wouldn't say I was depressed. Far from that as I have the occassional bouts of laughter but I wouldn't exactly say I was happy either. There are times where I feel sad and lonely feeling like that those around me either just don't care or don't understand. I think its more of the former.

 

I often find myself wondering about life and why things happen the way they do and what the purpose of my life is. I mean I think I know what the meaning of life is but I really want to know where my life is headed. Alot of people say, life is what you make of it but I don't think that's entirely true either. I think a good portion of it is fate and the rest is what you make of it but sometimes I just want to know what will happen to me. Will I get married, will I have kids...will I always be in my current state. Will I ever be financially stable and comfortable. Will I ever get to travel like I keep trying to no avail?

 

I think there's more to life than just working a 50-60 hour a week job, coming home to veg out on the couch unless I have the occasional evening plans to do it all over again week after week. There must be some grand adventure out there somewhere. It can't be routine like this. I think having these thoughts prevent me in some ways from being motivated because I sometimes think, what's the point.

 

They say that change is a good thing, but I’ve never been comfortable with it. Which is probably why I am having a hard time adjusting to things going on around me that I cannot control. I guess when you are the youngest child in a family that always was full of criticism with things you either said or did; it’s no surprise I never learned how to be spontaneous.

 

As of right now I am having a hard time adjusting to everything that’s evolving in my life. I find myself slowly seeing the familiar faces and comforts slip away. I don’t want them to slip away. How do you handle seeing someone you valued for so long disappear right in front of your eyes. How do you cope with knowing they don’t try to make you laugh or smile anymore and you watch them enjoying life without you from the sidelines.

 

How do you fix what went wrong when you don’t even know how it all happened? I want my old life back.

 

I guess the point is…to those that I know who have changed my life, you made an impact. Hope you know.

[JGintheOC]

But reverting back to the original reason why I posted in reference to the media talking about depression lately. It's amazing to see how many of us know people who are sad, lonely or depressed and how easy we listen to them first couple of times and then we dismiss them because we don't want to hear about it anymore. None of us will ever know what those sad and hurt people will do and what their actions will lead to.

 

It's so frustrating to see all those times I felt hopeless and I was the only one that got me out of it as it should be, but it was also frustrating to see how many people who supposedly cared just didnt do anything to help. If we are going to treat other people like that, then who are we to be sad when something happens to them.

 

I guess what I'm also trying to say is...be careful with what you do to people, what you say to them and what you DONT do to help them.

[JGintheOC]

In light of what's been in the media about Robin Williams passing, I wanted to remind myself and all of you something.

 

We need to look out for each other. Even laughter can sometimes be a false mask. Sadness and emotional pain can easily turn worse.

 

We have a tendency to brush others off because we sometimes don't wanna hear them gripe or we're busy focusing on those we think are more important.

 

When sometimes what can help us is a little compassion headed in our direction.

 

So please let us be aware of the words we say, the actions we take and the choice we make.

 

Let's not use people for our own gratification. Let's not form cliques. Let us be honest with people on where they stand with you.

 

Never assume what they may be thinking or feeling. If you're unsure ask them. Be there for them.

[JGintheOC]

I've found myself extremely jealous today in fact I'm extremely jealous and have been so off and on in my life time.

 

I think a part of it has to do with the fact that I felt like I've tried so hard in my life to build stability and work hard and earn my way and there are just some people in life who seem to have it so easy.

 

- They are super popular despite being jerks

- They have their parents pay for everything and have more stability than me

- They win people over easily

- THey are super thin

 

etc. etc. I've done nothing but work hard and not be so dependent on others and I've been a caring, generous and compassionate individual and what have I to show for it. I've accomplished some things but still, it frustrates me to see those who I believe aren't good people get/have all the things that I have been working towards and get it so easily.

 

I don't know how to handle this jealousy other than it consumes me and eventually turns into disappointment and sadness. I do know that I shouldn't compare myself to others and I should be more proactive than reactive but I don't think its helped much either.

 

I think I worry too much about the reactions of others to the choices I make and in some ways I think I hesitate because I don't want to hear yet again about something I've done wrong without even trying.

 

I don't know how I will be able to control the jealousy. But I don't know how to communicate what I want including healthy boundries without coming off as whiny or needy/clingy.