When love fades - at a dramatic speed

[Cherry1615]

So I wrote a bit about this in my last thread.

 

Basically I worked abroad for some months and met some interesting people (including a guy – nothing happened except my head exploded with thoughts of him). So when I got back home I felt like something shifted with my boyfriend. I still like him and enjoy hanging with him and think he is the most gorgeous person, but I just don’t feel the same as I did before I left. I don’t feel like sleeping with him or being affectionate and I seem to be using any excuse to get mad at him – for example, it was my birthday yesterday and he didn’t plan anything or get me a gift and said he thought it would be enough if we did something together on the day (we went to dinner and paid with our joint account). Also, as mentioned in my previous post, we have some issues with communication and this seems to be highly in focus for me at the moment.

 

We have been together 3 years and before I left I was sooo focused on my bf. Always thinking about him, always wanted to be with him and now, I feel really neutral about it all.

 

Of course the other guy is on my mind and I know there is no future for us, but I am in a state of limerence despite us not being in contact. Nothing makes me forget about him or make him leave my mind. I wonder if I met this guy at right about the time when my honeymoon feelings for my bf were fading and I focused my thoughts on the other guy. I have done nothing wrong except having these thoughts about the other guy and trust me I have tried to not think about him but they keep popping up.

Is there a way to get back my feelings for my boyfriend or has the relationship run its course?

[JGintheOC]

I think time is the only factor I suppose.

 

Maybe its because you had a change of scenery. Give you an example. I was close firends with this guy from 2007 - 2009. He was amazing and made me feel super special then late 2009/early 2010 he moved away out of state (financial reasons) and I thought as close as we were we would keep in contact. We did at first but as he got more acclimated to his new home, anyone he knew back here...he kind of stopped keeping in contact with. Kind of that "Out of Sight, Out of Mind" ordeal.

 

Eventually I moved on even though that was hard. I think it took about 6 months to get used to the fact he was gone and he wasn't coming back. It's been about 5 years since he moved and I have moved past it.

 

But if he decied to visit one day (which I know he'd never visit anyone back here -- long story) I don't think we'd get along in the same way we used to. We're different people now I don't think we'd click as well as we used to. I think we wouldn't even know what to say to each other.

 

I think that's what's happening.

[Cherry1615]

Thanks for your comment.

Do you mean that I changed while I was away and that the connection cant be relighted?

[mhowe]

You have experienced an expanding mindset....as in, there are a lot of fish in the sea. And now focusing on your bf seems unsatisfactory.

I would say the relationship has run its course. And that is natural.

[Cherry1615]

You have experienced an expanding mindset....as in, there are a lot of fish in the sea. And now focusing on your bf seems unsatisfactory.

I would say the relationship has run its course. And that is natural.

 

Yeah I know. But until I left I was mad about him. I was sure he was the one before I left. I keep thinking I am just thinking the grass is greener. Because the passion will always fade in every relationship. I feel like this keeps happening to me. I have a relationship for 1-3 years and lose interest. The next one will end the same. is there a point in fighting for this/possibility that the feelings can come back?

[mhowe]

You are young and life has a lot to offer. It is like staying in one room for days on end and being happy with all the toys. And then one day you open the door and find another room with different toys...and you realize that crayons are not as fun as you once thought when you now have oil and canvas.

 

It isn't "grass is greener"....its growing up.

[Cherry1615]

Thanks mhowe. It took me so long to find a guy like him and I have a friend that once told me that in long term relationships people will fall out of love with each other from time to time, its just important that it doesn't happen to both at the same time so that they can fight for the relationship.

 

Of course your analogy makes perfect sense. I just wish I hadn't opened that door

[mhowe]

So ---- you really want to stay in one room all your life?

 

There is a saying "Some people are in your life for a reason, others for a season".

 

Life is meant to be embraced....and lived.

 

It took you so long to find him? What are you ---- 24? There are many more experiences awaiting you if you have the courage to be open to them.

[Cherry1615]

So ---- you really want to stay in one room all your life?

 

There is a saying "Some people are in your life for a reason, others for a season".

 

Life is meant to be embraced....and lived.

 

It took you so long to find him? What are you ---- 24? There are many more experiences awaiting you if you have the courage to be open to them.

 

I just turned 29. There is a big difference I think. I don't have that long to find the right person if I want a family. Also my head keeps spinning because my feelings changed so quickly. I keep telling myself "But you love him". The ironic thing is, I made a scrapbook for him before I left on my trip. 50 pages of photos and sweet notes etc. I look at this now and think "what the hell? What was I thinking". Every word I wrote seems fake and over the top and not how I feel now! If he was a bad person I could easily leave this relationship. But he isn't. He is nice and caring and sweet. I know you are 100% right, which is actually why I turned to this forum. My head says I have found this wonderful guy who looks good on paper and loves me. But then I think about how I feel inside and that seems to make everything good about him nothing.

[mhowe]

Everything good about him is still good. He just isn't the right one for you.

 

Another analogy ---- he is mint choc chip ice cream. And you loved it --- savored the chips, refreshing taste.

 

And then you went on a trip and discovered....Rocky Road. HELLO....where have you been? And realized....there are other flavors.

 

Please --- you are not engaged...you have plenty of time. Open your vistas.

[Case_1983]

good analogy

[t1lersm0m1]

I agree with what mhowe said before I read her post. I think your relationship has run it's course and your travel opened your eyes.

 

Your boyfriend did nothing to make you feel special on your birthday aside from buy dinner with a joint account, so you partially paid for your own dinner. Does he do (or not do) other things to make you/not make you feel special?

[Cherry1615]

I agree with what mhowe said before I read her post. I think your relationship has run it's course and your travel opened your eyes.

 

Your boyfriend did nothing to make you feel special on your birthday aside from buy dinner with a joint account, so you partially paid for your own dinner. Does he do (or not do) other things to make you/not make you feel special?

 

Well, I have told him many times how he could make my day by buying me flowers or a rose or just giving me something to show he is thinking of me. The only time I have a chance of getting a rose is when we are doing our grocery shopping together and he says I can put a flower in the cart if I want

 

Of course he does things like cleaning up after dinner, folding my laundry etc etc which is very nice of him. But things where he would have to firstly think of me, imagine what he could do to make me smile and then actually plan and do it? that has never happened. Some people are just unromantic.

 

He lacks imagination, if I question him how he imagines something might be that hasn't happened yet (holidays, promotion etc), he always says he doesn't know, because he hasn't experienced it yet. and when I ask how he hopes it will be, or hopes it wont be he says Dunno. If I press him further he just uses adjectives like "good, interesting". I once said to him that I cant truly appreciate something without the fear that I might lose it and that I always tried hard to keep him happy because he is so precious to me and I would never want to lose him. He responded with saying I shouldn't think of such things. When I asked if he ever considered that he might lose me he said "No, he hadn't actually thought about that before".

 

I have told him a bit how I feel since I have come back and he listens but doesn't really ask questions or bring it up again.

[mhowe]

Read your other thread as well ---- this relationship is no longer fulfilling your needs. It is time to call it a day.