Really struggling today

[miss_sunshine]

I am really struggling today. It has been 9 weeks tomorrow since my ex of 11.5 years moved out and I last saw him and three months since the breakup.

 

I was supposed to see my counsellor today but he cancelled so I need to get my thoughts out.

 

I am coping okay in the sense that I am adjusting a bit more but the pain is getting worse. It just hurts so much that he has left and is never coming back. That he never really loved me in the way that I thought.

 

I keep wondering why I was not enough? Why did it take him over 11 years to finally realise he did not want marriage and kids even though he said he did? I blame myself some times as I put on a bit if weight over the years and think well of course he left me. But other times I think screw him, I treated him very well and was always there for him.

 

Why did he bother to come back when he left me the first time after 6 years? Were the following 5.5 years just a lie? Should I have known better than to take him back that time?

 

Why do some people get lucky and meet the live of their life at 14 and never experience heart break and others have to get dumped multiple times?

 

It just hurts so much that I never really knew him. How many times did I go to sleep next to him at night and he was unhappy and thinking about leaving and I never knew? Am I just unlovable and how will the next person leave me? Will I never get married or have kids?

 

How do they just leave and hardly look back? I have only got one text and an email since he left. I know they start the process months before but still shouldn't they be hurting still as well? Don't they miss us still? Will he ever regret this?

 

Sorry about the ramblings, just questioning the meaning of this whole road of life today.

[El0t]

Break-ups are never easy; much less with someone you've been with long-term. It sounds like you're holding on to this way too much though... The fact that you have the exact dates pinpointed says a lot. Whatever happened, he clearly had some things to sort through so don't blame yourself. You have the opportunity now to move on, focus on yourself, and find someone who is ready for a relationship, who values you, and who wants to be with you... don't squander that by obsessing over this past relationship.

 

Best of luck and hang in there!

[SooSad33]

It is normal, all you're thinking, all you're questioning etc. You're venting and that's okay.

You're mind is doing it's thing of trying to accept the situation. The change and the pains involved.

Remember, this is as much as a true 'loss'. You will go through this for months, until you can come to 'accept' then work on healing.

You will go through waves of denial, anger, loneliness, heartache etc, over and over. I know it is VERY painful.

 

Yes, he still thinks of you. Yes, they miss us and as for regrets or pain? For the dumper, that may come at a later date.. like a few months later.

Meanwhile, yes, we're sitting in puddles of tears & confusion for months.

 

It all takes time. One day at a time, to work on healing from the pains of loss, healing & starting over.

 

In time, you should start to feel the pains lessen and your inner strength build again. When it does, you won't feel so low and worthless and you won't see yourself in such a negative. Because you're not!

We're human, we all make mistakes and all we can do, is try.

 

tc

[miss_sunshine]

Thank you both so much. I was just having a particularly down day yesterday and I was expecting to be able to get all my thoughts out with my counselor and he cancelled so it helps me to just dump all my thoughts down and get them out.

 

And tkyjohnson thank you for your post. I am a person who always remembers dates, I remember the exact date my first boyfriend broke up with me and that was 13 years ago and I am certainly not hung up on that in anyway I am just that kind of person where those types of things stay with me and I have a very good memory. You are very right though that I need to try to not focus on time etc.. It just helps me to feel strong when I realise I have gone 9 weeks without contacting him and I feel proud of that.

 

I am stronger than I thought I would ever be. Once he left I have not contacted him as I know I deserve better than someone who will leave me. I gave him 11 years of my life and if he does not want me anymore than I will no be his friend or whatever helps him to feel better about leaving me and stringing me along for all those years.

 

And SoSad thanks so much, that post was really helpful. It really helps to know that others are going through the same thing. I am a lot more positive today. I start a new permanent job in a couple of weeks at a higher level, I have just joined a 12 week challenge at my gym, I have signed up for a fun run next month, I am seeing a personal trainer twice a week. I know that my life can be whatever I want it to be and he did not take anything away from me. In fact I never really knew who he was and if he just just walk away after 11 years, if he can tell me all the time he wants to marry me and just change his mind well then to be honest what did I really lose? Someone who was never really there to begin with. Sure it hurts like hell but life has to go on, and I have to pick myself up and keep on moving forward.

[El0t]

Sounds like you're definitely headed in the right direction. Congrats and keep up the great work! =]