Dealing with a friend who's cheating

[brooklyn1984]

I'm relieved to have found this forum as I have been feeling relatively alone in this.

 

I have a colleague/friend who is cheating with a woman who is apparently ending her marriage, but still living with her husband.

 

I have been cheated on in the past and I can't stand it. My friend has cheated in past relationships and has also been cheated on and kind of accepts this as normal human behaviour.

 

I feel disappointed in my friend that he is doing this. I also feel horrible that this woman is a past business client of ours who was always a massive cow, yet her husband who she claims is now a monster, was always so lovely.

 

I guess, I just can't look at my friend in the same way. I used to have so much respect for them as a person and now all I see is a lying, cheating, pig. I've been present when she's been texting or calling him or arranging sneaky catch ups and I just feel like I know things I don't want to know. Work wise, I just don't know how to deal with him. I just have no interest in talking to him, because I see something I didn't think they were capable of doing again and I'm just disappointed. I guess I thought he'd become a better person over the past few years since his last infidelity.

 

It would be sad to let a friendship go after such a long time, but I just feel numb to him right now.

 

Don't know if there are any problem solvers for this one, I just needed to vent.

[lavenderdove]

well, you can't look at him the same way because you've learned something about him that is unpleasant from your perspective. But reality is your friend, in that you do have more data about him, and can decide whether this is upsetting enough for you that you don't want to keep him as a friend anymore.

 

I wouldn't associate with people who I know are thieves, abusive to their spouses, children or pets, or any number of other things that really violate my own value system. So nothing says you have to stay friends with him.

 

If you have a work relationship where you can't just cut him off by stopping taking his calls, you can become very very 'busy'... as in, if he suggests you do anything outside of work, tell him you are doing something else instead. Just keep turning down his requests, and eventually he'll quit asking.

 

And keep the conversation at work to being about work. Again, you can get very 'busy' at work too, and limit your exchanges with him directly to work.

 

If you don't want to immediately cut him off, then wean off him over time. As in, accept fewer and fewer invitations from him, don't answer every email or text, and just gradually lessen contact over time.

 

I've done this myself a few times with people I once considered friends, but who started engaging in behavior I couldn't tolerate. One was an extremely good friend, but she started using drugs, and knew my stance on drugs and would not admit to using them but it was obvious and she wouldn't stop and her behavior became more and more erratic. Since she thought there was nothing wrong and refused to stop, I have no choice but over time to lessen contact with her, until I eventually just stopped taking her calls entirely. It was sad, but she was just living a lifestyle that I didn't approve of, and we started to have less and less in common as she slipped into it more, and I just couldn't watch her do this and continue as if nothing was wrong. It is hard to do, but if the person is unrepentant and you find what they are doing as very wrong, your best bet is to let them go and find friends who have similar value systems and aren't engaging in things you find heinous or repulsive.

 

But usually in cases like this, just telling him you think it is wrong won't change anything. He wouldn't be doing it if he thought it was wrong, and repeat cheaters such as him usually really enjoy the cheating game like other people enjoy drugs and hence have no intention of giving it up whether you like it or not. So don't waste your breath. You might be able to work something out where you tell him you don't want to hear anything about his paramour or the cheating and you'd prefer he not take calls from her when you're around because you don't approve of cheating, but then you'd still know he's doing it, and would have to decide whether you can work within those boundaries or not and not be bothered by the fact that you know he is cheating.

[brooklyn1984]

Thank you lavenderdove

 

I can definitely see what you are saying - I guess the hardest part is making that decision that this person no longer is the person they once were and letting them go.

 

It's that feeling of loss - remembering all the good times, and the disbelief that they have become the person they are now. I feel like I don't know him anymore. To have helped him through when he was cheated on years back...now for him to do this. It's just disbelief on my part that he knows how it feels to have someone be with your partner - why inflict that pain onto someone else. That's not something I can shrug off and say 'such as life'.

 

I need to focus on the good people in my life that share my values. I thought I had helped someone become a better person, now it just feels like wasted energy.

 

I suppose like most things though - time heals. I can only hope that the sadness and loss of a friendship I feel now, gets less heavy over time

[ParisPaulette]

All you can do in a case like this is tell the friend, "You know, I've been cheated on and it hurt. I really don't want to see or hear any more about what you're doing." And then you distance yourself. Remain professional, but distant. The harsh fact is you're getting to see a rather unlovely side to a friend and this is part of who he is. All you can do is voice your decision not to be party to it in any way and then end the friendship via slow fade.

 

I know it hurts, but it's worse to sit by and act like nothing is wrong when you want to grab the person and yell, "Do you know what you're doing? Wake the Bleep up." And you can help someone become a better person yes, but at the end of the day you can't live their life for them or make their decisions for them. It's rather telling to me that you feel this way about this guy since it hints that you already had seen or knew of previous bad behaviors and sort of tried to help him correct these things. The only thing is he's the only one can decide to change and correct his own behavior, no one else can do that for him.

[brooklyn1984]

Thank you very wise words - much appreciated. Feels good to get it off my chest and I know what I need to do now. Yes it's the loss of a friend, but right now I don't see them as that. More of a lying, cheating, monster. It's not going to be easy but I can't deal with the rubbish any more.

[Nike]

If you care about this person focus on the good things the relationship YOU have with him has to offer but tell him you don't want to hear about his cheating because you've been there done that and it upsets you to see it happening around you. It's part of his life so you need to accept it as part of his, but if you are just friends you don't have to know everything he says and does. Friends don't need to be THAT close.

[lavenderdove]

>>It's part of his life so you need to accept it as part of his,

 

Actually, no you don't. Friendship is optional and people can and do change over time or discover things about those they associate with that make them realize that they don't have the same value systems or attitudes enough to stay friends.