Not entirely sure what to do about this...

[MTfan00]

My girlfriend of 5 months recently started a second job two and a half months or so ago with shifts on Tuesday through Saturday from 3:30 am until 8:30 am. She also works 40+ hours at her other job, with two random days off per week, sometimes not clocking out until 10:30 or 11 at night. So needless to say, she's worn out!

 

However, since she's started the second job, I have rarely seen or heard from her at all for that matter. I have only seen her four times since, three of which were for less than an hour. We did spend a day together at the falls. Our conversation has dwindled down to merely a few odd texts every few days, consisting of typical "Hey" and "How's work been?" type responses. I usually initiate, which is fine, but she will typically stop responding at random times and if I don't initiate a new conversation, I will not hear from her. I'm not huge on phone conversations, but I give her a ring every so often to catch up with her. Usually she doesn't answer or return my call and since I don't know her work schedule besides the morning shift, I don't have a good guess on when she's available. I have tried to invite her out for a date night with me or my roommates and their girlfriends, or just a night laying in my bed and relaxing with eachother. I have offered to meet her at her place and cook her dinner and help her get things done that she hasn't had time to complete, but she usually declines. Recently I bought her a gift card to a massage parlor, so that she could relax and unwind from all the work that she has been doing. I've never smothered her, but I've backed off a little bit with the hopes that she would start to initiate more contact with me, or at least attempt to make plans with me since her schedule is so hectic.

 

It's been two weeks since the last time we've spent any time together and we haven't had a conversation last more than 10 minutes, all of which I've initiated. She also didn't respond to my texts or calls for three days. It has left me feeling rejected and unwanted. I completely understand how exhausted she is, which I've expressed to her. I've told her that I will do anything in my power to make her life easier and that I love her dearly. I am an independent contractor and I have a lot more free time on my hands. I feel as if I've been placed on the back burner, and that she is no longer putting forth effort into our relationship. We haven't had sex since before she started her second job, and she hasn't expressed any verbal or much physical affection for me either. She hasn't made any attempt to squeeze me in anywhere in her life as of late, other than the occasional conversation about how work is going.

 

My roommates have told me that it's best that I remove myself from the relationship and spare myself the stress that I've been dealing with. However, I am in love with the woman, and I'm not willing to throw what we've had, do have, and can have away before I at least talk to her. She's extremely busy, with not much free time and a dog to take care, and I completely sympathize with her and have remained supportive. At the same time, she seems to be neglecting our relationship and I, leaving my needs unmet and leaving me stressed out like crazy. My questions are, what is the best course of action to take? What angle do I approach her at about this? Do I flat out tell her how I have been feeling? Do I keep patient and wait it out? She won't be working both jobs forever, but I don't think I can take much more of this and still keep my heart and sanity in one piece.

[blueidealist24]

Do you know how much longer she's going to be working two jobs? The question is whether you can stick it out that long. There is a chance that once she adjusts to her new routine she will be less tired.

[beaton]

You sound like you've done your best to support her. I think it's a good idea to sit her down and tell her whats going on, try to brainstorm ways that you can get some time together. She might be overwhelmed right now and just needs a little more time to adjust to her new schedule, but you shouldn't be placed on the back burner indefinitely.

[MTfan00]

She has said she will be working both until January but that it might be longer. I made a little joke and told her to stop being a stranger today and she replied with "I wish I could." I don't know how to approach talking to her about this.

[aw4919]

This is coming from someone who has been in her position and come out the other side. Please don't take her not having any time personally. It's up to you whether you can stick it out or not, but when you get in over your head with multiple full time jobs and obligations, it's a real struggle to find time to even eat, sleep, and shower, and she's probably giving you absolutely everything she has left. It might not be enough for either of you, but most likely she wants more time with you too or she would have called it off by now just to make more time for herself. You both unfortunately have the burden of deciding whether you can handle it until she has more time or not, and you're the only ones that can make that decision. (And there isn't a wrong decision to make, I'll add). But I don't think anyone WANTS to work those kinds of hours, so it seems like there aren't a lot of other options for her. Which means it might be frustrating for her to have a conversation about her lack of time. I'm sure she knows she doesn't have a lot of time to spare, and already feels pretty guilty about it.

[jak3]

It's time to break up.

 

You've only been dating for 5 months (let's say 150 days). In the last 75 days or so you've seen her a grand total of four times. Three of those times were for less than an hour. So let's just say that you get to see her once every 20 days or so due to her schedule. That's bunk especially when you throw in the lack of communication. Who in their right mind would accept that in the beginning of a relationship?

 

Get out now.

[MTfan00]

I appreciate the responses. I agree that maybe talking about it will frustrate her and alienate her more, which was a concern of mine. However I think I deserve for her to know how I am being affected by this as well. I think I will continue to be supportive and suggest getting together every so often and stick it out. I feel that she is worth it. And I also agree that she would of broken it off by now if it was too much of a strain on her.

[aw4919]

I'm not saying not to tell her how you feel, you should always be able to do that with your partner. I'm just saying don't take it personally if she gets frustrated during a conversation about it. It's like every day you're more and more exhausted and it can feel like no one is willing to give you a break, so it's a little bit disheartening to hear that you're letting someone down that you care about, on top of already being stressed. My point is that if you are willing to try, make the conversation about you two as a team and be mindful of using phrases that seem accusatory. Be patient if she gets upset, and make it a point to let her know that it's not a burden on you to help her with small tasks to give you and her more time together, since she sounds very independent and that might be why she doesn't want to accept your help.

[MTfan00]

She is quite independent. I admire her for that. I can't help but feel compelled to help her as much as I can. It's my personality. While I've got you, how would you go about talking to her if you were in my shoes? I've been brainstorming ways to bring it up without sounding like a whiny baby or being accusatory.

[aw4919]

You aren't being either of those things, and that comes accross just in your posts here, so I don't think you'll have too many problems. I'd probably start by saying that you miss her and you want to give her support (not just be supportive, but actually offer your service to her). I'd tell her that you know she can't necessarily be more available, but that you don't mind doing mundane things such as running errands with her as long as it gets you time together. Keep in mind that with a schedule like that, planning things in advance can be difficult to the extreme, so (if it's the truth) let her know that you don't mind same-day plans if she gets free. Also, I'd ask for her general schedule since you'll probably get more responses to her texts if you know when she's busy, and you won't feel quite as abandoned if you text or call and know not to expect a prompt response. Let her know that, yes, you do need a little more from her, but you're willing to accept it whenever she can give it. Other than that I guess the next step would be to react to her response. It's obvious that you care, so just keep that attitude and I have a good feeling it will work itself out for you guys.