how would

[somuchcooler]

how would you feel if your serious bf said he couldn't lend you some money that you knew he knew you would pay back but gave it to his sister? Also how would you feel if he told his banking information to his mom but couldn't tell it to you and he was like in his 20s you guys are serious it's not like you been dating 6 months. I would definitely feel pissed about the first like oh now you suddenly have the funds for your sister but now your own gf like either have the money for me or not at all don't pick and choose who you have it for. The second one I would be annoyed because I would feel he was a momma's boy and didn't trust me. I'm talking a long term established relationship where you see a future not like a 6 month relationship.

[HeartGoesOn]

I think there's more to this?

[Katrinagirl]

how would you feel if your serious bf said he couldn't lend you some money that you knew he knew you would pay back but gave it to his sister? Also how would you feel if he told his banking information to his mom but couldn't tell it to you and he was like in his 20s you guys are serious it's not like you been dating 6 months. I would definitely feel pissed about the first like oh now you suddenly have the funds for your sister but now your own gf like either have the money for me or not at all don't pick and choose who you have it for. The second one I would be annoyed because I would feel he was a momma's boy and didn't trust me. I'm talking a long term established relationship where you see a future not like a 6 month relationship.

 

Sounds like there are some major trust issues there, on both sides! He doesn't trust you regarding anything financial (i.e. paying him back, giving you his financial info) and you don't trust that he is committed to you.

 

Worth exploring IMO.

[notalady]

That would depend on how long have you been in a relationship for? I personally would not give my banking details to anyone other than maybe family, so no definitely not a bf even if we had been in a relationship for years. You are expecting too much in my opinion.

 

I would lend money to a bf only if it is for a good reason, and if I can afford it. I expect the same treatment from someone I'm in a relationship with, and would not ask them for money unless I desperately need it. I need more detail on that one to be able to say for sure.

 

Just for the record, I would do anything for my family (within reason) because they would do the same for me, so that includes lending or giving them money no questions asked. I don't think he's out of line to lend money to his sister. That is a completely different relationship to what he has with you. To me nothing comes close to family, and until I'm married to the guy, he is not family. I don't do any sort of comparison or ranking between the two and value both relationships, but if my bf tries to compare or compete with my family, then sorry he will always come second.

 

I don't know how close he is to his family and if he thinks along the same lines. Just food for thought. Again, need more info to know why he doesn't want to lend you the money.

[Katrinagirl]

OP said it's a long term established relationship (not just someone she's been dating for six months), but who knows. Obviously she's hurt. Haven't decided if its warranted or not, need more info.

[jjkk]

It's his money and he's free to choose to do with as he pleases and I've never given or received banking information from anyone I've dated, even people I've been with for over 5 years. We've never asked each other and since our money was separate, it has never occurred to me to want that info. It's not my business. So how would I feel? Not bothered in the slightest.

[somuchcooler]

But after years wouldn't you trust him more to lend him money and with your bank info? Family can backstab too. I dunno I just would feel that after years with being with somebody you would trust them enough that they wouldn't mess with your money and they would pay you back and that if you (general you) can't trust them after years of being together then maybe you need to re evaluate the relationship. Really you would lend money to your family no questions asked that's pretty irresponsible IMO what if the money is for something stupid I mean I can appreciate helping family out but c'mon no questions asked giving money away really? It isn't really about competing with family I just feel that after years of being together you guys become more of a priority to each other.

[giubilante]

Sorry that you are so hurt. I've been in quite long term relationships, and I still hesitate to ask for money.

 

For me, family is family. You do whatever you can for them, and they do the same for you. Significant others are in a different category. Until you're married, or have an agreement to share finances and financial decisions, I don't think one party has the right to expect the other to bail them out, or vice versa.

 

To be perfectly blunt - your sister is your sister for life, but your girlfriend (until committed or married) may or may not be (well, even when married it's still chancy). He has known his mother his entire life, and it is perfectly appropriate for her to have information if he chooses to share it with her. You will likely tread on dangerous ground if you get upset with him for involving himself with and being supportive of his family.

 

It sounds like this is someone who has very strong family ties. If you become a member of that family, most likely he will do the same for you. But, until that time, you are not a member of his family and, unless you have a financial agreement, are not entitled to have a say over how he decides to use his money or who he shares his financial information with.

 

(All of this being said, I TOTALLY understand why you are hurt, and would be too. However, I also understand boundaries, and they're not there to hurt you. I don't think this is a personal issue at all. Once you settle a little bit, and can speak about this without getting too upset, maybe you should speak with him about finances, and how you feel? Likely he sees things very differently than you do (and perhaps he doesn't have a clue what about the situation has made you so upset))

[somuchcooler]

It's his money and he's free to choose to do with as he pleases and I've never given or received banking information from anyone I've dated, even people I've been with for over 5 years. We've never asked each other and since our money was separate, it has never occurred to me to want that info. It's not my business. So how would I feel? Not bothered in the slightest.

 

I'm shocked after 5 years you still didn't trust them with your info. That's nuts.

[agent1607307371]

Is this an actual situation, or just something you want to test people on?

[somuchcooler]

Oh god I would never ask him not to give his sister money. I'm just saying I'm kind of hurt that he would choose to let her borrow money and not me. I never even told him I was hurt about it because I wanted him to be able to help his sister out. What do you mean by boundaries though? We do live together btw I don't know if that changes things any. Why don't you feel that a SO is there to help you out or bail you out in my mind you are supposed to have a love for your SO where you would want to help them out I thought that was part of loving someone wanting to help them out in tough times. This isn't just a friend this is someone you are sharing your life with.

[somuchcooler]

Is this an actual situation, or just something you want to test people on?

 

This is an actual situation. What do you mean by test people on.

[somuchcooler]

Sounds like there are some major trust issues there, on both sides! He doesn't trust you regarding anything financial (i.e. paying him back, giving you his financial info) and you don't trust that he is committed to you.

 

Worth exploring IMO.

 

That's what I'm saying you would think that after 4 years he would know me a little better to trust me to pay him back.

[notalady]

I'm shocked after 5 years you still didn't trust them with your info. That's nuts.

 

Banks generally advice you not to share your banking info with any one including family members. However if I had to share it with someone, it would be my family. Re your post before, yes family can back stab too, it would obviously depend on each family and what they are like to each other, what kind of person they are etc. without that info in your case, I can't say if that's appropriate.

 

Again only talking personally, I don't have siblings, just my parents. They supported financially me until I graduated uni in my early 20s, they would give me money no questions asked even now, I have both of their banking info and do online banking stuff for them sometimes, because their English aren't great, that's just my relationship with them. Obviously if I was to ask them for money or vice versa, we would offer up the reason for asking. Given the support they've given me over 20+ years, whether it be financially, emotionally and general guidance in life, I would have no problem just giving them money, no. Even if they just wanted to buy something they wanted not needed or something like that. There are of course boundaries, and as I said, within reason.

 

I would of course trust someone I'm in a long term relationship with enough to lend them money, depending on the circumstances, if they are in trouble, of course I would. If it's because they over spent beyond their means, or just want to buy a luxurious item or something, I wouldn't. Again, it comes down to the reason for asking, and I'm not sure what is it in your case.

 

Call me cynical but I would not give my personal banking detail to a partner even if we are married. We can have a joint account and joint assets etc, no problems. What is under my name is just that -- mine. I don't not trust people especially not someone I choose to marry, I sure hope I wouldn't marry someone that I don't trust completely. But life is unpredictable, and sometimes things fall apart, I've heard many a story like that where the partner has access to the other partner's pension account or bank account and took their money when things went sour, these are married couples too.

 

Bottom line is, I would never hand over control of anything in my life to someone else, especially when I'm looking through rose coloured glasses when I'm with someone.

[notalady]

Oh god I would never ask him not to give his sister money. I'm just saying I'm kind of hurt that he would choose to let her borrow money and not me. I never even told him I was hurt about it because I wanted him to be able to help his sister out. What do you mean by boundaries though? We do live together btw I don't know if that changes things any. Why don't you feel that a SO is there to help you out or bail you out in my mind you are supposed to have a love for your SO where you would want to help them out I thought that was part of loving someone wanting to help them out in tough times. This isn't just a friend this is someone you are sharing your life with.

 

You haven't told us why you asked for the money and how much..also why did he give his sister money and also what's the reason for that, I think that would make a difference.

[jjkk]

I'm shocked after 5 years you still didn't trust them with your info. That's nuts.

 

It's not about not trusting them, it's just that I guess I never thought about asking them for their banking info because I don't need it for anything. My current bf, I know where he banks, I do know his debit card PIN number and he knows mine but we never use each other's cards. We've never asked each other for PIN numbers or anything, it's just from being around each other when we've used them. If he asked for my information I'd give it to him, I trust him but it would seem weird to me that he'd want it.

[agent1607307371]

This is an actual situation. What do you mean by test people on.

 

This is purely hypothetical btw I just wanted people's thoughts on it.

 

Because hypothetical questions are kind of wasting people's time here.

[newgirlhere]

Until marriage, you are not family. Maybe my views on my family are extremely serious, because I would absolutely give money to family in a heartbeat, but would never give banking info or a expect banking info/ loans from a boyfriend, no matter how serious.

 

Even once living with a boyfriend - I would absolutely discuss my budget and my finances with him, and balance rent/ expenses, etc, but no way would I be ready to start sharing money with each other over our families until we're married. However, if you and your boyfriend don't view things that way -- that's the issue. But I have never asked a boyfriend to loan me money or share bank info with me, ever, in even my most serious relationships. And no, this would not hurt me.

[jak3]

H E L L to the no. Unless there's a ring on her finger, she's not getting my banking information.

 

Was the sister's need for the money more of a priority than your own? For instance maybe her kids needed medical treatment and you only wanted the money to fix a scratch on your car?

[mhowe]

You should NOT be privy to his banking information -- nor should he be lending you money. Because if you are in a "jam" and need to borrow, it means you are not financially responsible. You know how much you make, and should be living within your means.

 

And while I would GIVE money to my mother or sister, I would not GIVE money to my SO.

 

You are not entitled in any way to the use of his money. Regardless of how long you have been together, until you are married.

 

Why does HE believe you wouldn't pay it back?

[somuchcooler]

You should NOT be privy to his banking information -- nor should he be lending you money. Because if you are in a "jam" and need to borrow, it means you are not financially responsible. You know how much you make, and should be living within your means.

 

And while I would GIVE money to my mother or sister, I would not GIVE money to my SO.

 

You are not entitled in any way to the use of his money. Regardless of how long you have been together, until you are married.

 

Why does HE believe you wouldn't pay it back?[/quote

Why though what if u and you're so been together for like a few years and they were in a bind you wouldn't help them out? I'm not talking oh I need $30 for this shirt I really want but don't need I'm talking like oh no my car got this issue all of a sudden and im strapped for cash and I need my car for work. Why would u give it to you're mom and sister?

[notalady]

You keep asking people why they would give or lend money to their family, when it's not really relevant. Different people have different relationships with their family, and it seems that quite a few posters on here, myself included, have close relationships with family and therefore will give or lend money to family no problems, the reason why is not really important.

 

In fact it's not even relevant why your bf would give money to his sister and banking detail to his mum. The question is why did he not agree to lend it to you? You haven't given us anything to say why he doesn't trust you to pay him back, what are the other aspects/dynamic of the relationship like, or whether the amount is too large for him maybe, we just don't have all the information to give you any useful advice. I suspect the amount has something to do with it. If it was in fact $30 for something small and he refused to lend it to you, I would have said he's being stingy and untrusting. I would lend $30 even to just a friend. A big amount? Well that's a different question.

[Ms Darcy]

Because hypothetical questions are kind of wasting people's time here.

 

This poster likes to post hypothetical situations and then argue with folks on their beliefs.

[mhowe]

Because being a adult means having money set aside for emergencies....like car repairs. Expecting your bf to bail you out is acting like a dependent child.

 

The bigger question is why are you strapped for cash? All of the $30 shirts you NEEDED?