My boyfriend lies to me about stupid things

[Lovelavie]

In the very beginning of our relationship, I told my boyfriend that something I cannot stand was lies and being lied to. I told him I like honesty, even if it's not the best thing to hear. Besides that, I can tolerate basically anything and work things out and get over it. However, lying just seems to get to me, like.. is that person being her true self or is she hiding something just to benefit from it? It's like once the person lies to you, it just feels like they are making a fool of you.

 

I chose to trust my boyfriend even though he gave me some reasons not to (being individualist etc), things have changed a LOT since the beginning of our relationship. However, every once in a while I catch him lying to me and it makes me very upset. He'll lie about stupid things. For example, in the beginning of our relationship he didn't tell me his ex texted him on Christmas and he also deleted it. Since we spent Christmas apart, I asked him who sent him birthday texts (since his b-day is the same day as Christmas) and he said it was "people from his past", when I asked if his ex was one of them he didn't answer, which was a clear yes. I asked him why he deleted it and he said it was because I was gonna be a pain in the a** to him. That was actually our first fight. Not because she texted him, not because he deleted the text, but because he lied to me about it.

 

Other lies included this one time we went to a club, and he took ecstasy without telling me (I have no problem with it, I just didn't like that he didn't tell me). He then told me months after in front of our friends which made me really embarrassed because he was confessing he lied to me in front of everyone and even made fun of it. Another one was him telling me he went to college when he actually stayed at his house sleeping. And yesterday I caught him in another lie. Monday I asked him to come over so we could go to the gym together but he said he couldn't because he had too much work to do and wouldn't even be going to his gym that night. So, we said our good nights and yesterday he came over and I asked him once again if he had gone to the gym and he said no. So I just said "ok" (I mean, I seriously didn't expect I should doubt that). Some minutes later he tells me he did go to the gym. I just didn't get it... why lie to me about something like that? I told him I won't tolerate lies and it's not the first time this happens.

 

I know texted him asking if he took any drugs at this Christmas party he went to for his b-day because he brought up once that he did take drugs on that day, but then said he confused it and it was actually on the year before. I just wanna get it out of my head you know? Know if he's lying or not about this. It's been 8 months but I still think it's a lie.

 

I don't know what to do now. He saw how upset I was and now he sends me "selfies" of where he's at to prove it, and trying to make up for it but I didn't ask for any of this and even told him I don't want this kind of stuff. I don't want to be paranoid about where he is or what he's doing. I just want to believe it when he says it.

[oneman]

You need to be with someone who shares your values and standards. By doing this, you won't have to worry about what your partner says or does...or become paranoid about it. You need to discover if he's an habitual liar or he lies out of fear of your reactions to his actions. He obviously doesn't see the true worth of honesty as you do. If he lies to you, he'll lie to everybody and most likely has been lying for most of his life. If you appreciate honesty and being upfront about every little thing, then you need to share your life with someone who mirrors this appreciation.

[elie]

He's simply immature, I believe that someone who lies about such silly things, he might lie about lot of important things in the near future!

 

Plus, you cannot succeed in such relationship unless both parties trust each others, while in this case you don't! you will be living in a lie.

[SpottiOtti]

Sounds like he lies to you because he's afraid to tell you anything that you might judge him for.

[offplanet]

This will drive you crazy! I understand what you say about it makes you feel you've been made a fool of. It makes me feel the same way when someone lies to me. People who do this don't actually feel that way, that you're foolish for believing them. They just do it compulsively as what to them seems like the easiest way to avoid 'getting intro trouble', just like a little kid lies their mum. Personally I couldn't stand to be with someone like that again after having the experience once. You can never get anywhere with them. Questioning them gets their defenses up and they lie even when it's pointless as knee jerk reaction. It's like talking to a brick wall. I would suggest not staying with such an infuriating person. It'll lose you your sanity!

[lerenard]

If these are "stupid little things" - why do you care so much?

I agree that it can be something to be pissed off about, but honestly - why do you care if his ex messaged him or not? It was his b-day, some people might message him - so what?

The drug thing is sad, but I agree with offplanet and SpottiOtti - he lies to you like a kid lies to his mom so he wont get punished or judged. He likes to do stuff without telling you EVERYTHING, and you like asking him about everything he had done or not.

 

If you appreciate honesty and being upfront about every little thing, then you need to share your life with someone who mirrors this appreciation. - this!

[Tanzi]

I could be wrong but there seems to be some interrogation on your part …. "I asked him who sent him birthday texts" … "I texted him asking if he took any drugs" …. "I asked him once again if he had been to the gym". Is this a pattern in your relationship?

 

Quite simply, he lies because he thinks you are going to give him a hard time if he tells you the truth. Sometimes when people have a day to themselves, they like to do their own thing without having to explain or justify what they are doing. You are on a slippery slope downwards if he now has to send you "selfless" to prove where he is. He will soon resent having to do so and start to feel controlled.

 

It's odd because the one REAL issue here is something you don't have a problem with … and that is him taking ecstasy.

[nutbrownhare]

Yes, it sounds as though you're trying to police him - acting more like a remonstrating parent than a partner.

 

What business is it of yours who texts him on his birthday? I doubt asking him was an innocent question, too, and my guess is that there was going to be a fight if his ex had been involved in any way - no matter what. If he was initiating contact, meeting up behind your back and generally deceiving you - that would be different. But an unsolicited text on his birthday? Really? He lied to you because you wouldn't handle the truth without a fight - but you picked one anyway.

 

If he wants to sleep in instead of going to college, that's his business. Not a good way of dealing with a course but, again, that's his business. Etc etc.

 

If you want to stay in this relationship, and believe what he says to you, stop interrogating him and trying to catch him out. When you ask why he lied about going to the gym, it may well have been because he didn't want to see you - because this behaviour is likely to push anyone away. It won't be long before he gets fed up with sending selfies and having to account for himself all the time.

 

Of course, if you've had enough of all this, then end the relationship and find someone willing to undergo this kind of scrutiny. If you don't back off, though, you may find you're not the one ending it, which would be a pity if you still love him.