What to do when a VERY close friend starts to show he's romantically interested?

[newgirlhere]

Will try to make this short.

 

I have been very close friends with a guy I met about 3 years ago. When we met I had a boyfriend, and my friend was a smart dude who would never cross any lines, so nothing ever seemed more than platonic there. We became best friends. We hung out every day. Very easy situation and he befriended my boyfriend at the time as well. He (my friend) eventually dated other girls as well. We've been a fantastic support system for one another for the last few years. I have long since broken up with my ex, and my friend and I have continued to bond.

 

At one time, he expressed having a romantic interest in me - but only vaguely. He never came out and said he wanted to be with me, but he expressed very deep, romantic feelings, and I made clear in response that I was grateful for his friendship and never wanted to tamper with that. Nothing happened between us at all, and he understood where I was coming from. He eventually began dating someone new, and they went on to date for at least a year. He never seemed madly in love with her, and they suffered many issues in their relationship, but I was supportive and we stayed friends during that time as well. He has not brought any romantic feelings up with me since 2 years ago when we had that conversation and I said I wanted to always be friends, so we've safely hit a groove where we talk daily and about anything and everything seems good. Again, he's become one of my closest friends to talk to.

 

In the last few months, I have talked to him about my decision to end things with the most recent guy I was dating - and told him how I was taking a little break from dating for a while. In response, he and I have been talking a lot more often again - just friendly things and support, etc. He decided to break things off with his gf, and we talked that through and again I've been so happy to have his friendship in my life.

 

But in the last week or so, things have gotten a little strange. He sends me very long messages about how close we are and that he never had with his ex what he has with me (even though, again, I've been clear about my stance as just a friend in his life and we have not flirted or gone beyond anything platonic in our conversations). Some of the messages seem really out of the blue and kind of over the top. He hasn't talked to me like this in years, and I didn't change my behavior towards him so I'm not sure if it's something I did or said without meaning to?? Many of these messages go on throughout the entire day and through late at night. They're never sexual in nature, just extremely romantic - but without coming out and saying that he wants something with me or has feelings (but it is heavily implied).

 

I really deeply value our friendship. I stated this again to him this past week, but he continues to send very 'boyfriend'-like messages my way. Other than getting really distant or flat out accusing him of trying to turn our friendship into something romantic (which I feel uncomfortable doing), I don't really know what to do or how to proceed. I may be reading into these things - but I honestly do not flatter myself by jumping to conclusions on this front ever and don't think I'm misunderstanding him. Part of me also feels like he could be filling a void now that he's broken up with his gf, which annoys me a lot because I don't really want to be someone's security blanket in that way.

 

Anyway, would love a little guidance so I don't lose this friendship...

[mhowe]

You broke up with your bf --- that is what relit his candle.

 

You don't "accuse" someone of trying to turn the friendship into romance.

 

You have both "used" each other as emotional crutches to get over a relationship. If you are not interested in him in a romantic way, you use diplomacy

and tact to let him know that you value the friendship but do not want to date him.

[newgirlhere]

I never ONCE used him as an emotional crutch to get over a relationship. Our friendship was never more or less strong on my side depending on whether or not I was in a relationship - I don't appreciate being accused of that, but maybe my post made it seem that way. I have many male friends, and his just happens to be one of my closest - and has consistently been close to me for many years no matter what my relationship status. I do not need a male friend to comfort the blows of breakups even if that is the typical norm. And i am hoping HE is not just using me as a crutch, though that is my concern too. He was close to me regardless of his relationship status as well, though, so I'd prefer not to jump to that...

 

I should clarify that we were never NOT close, just that at one time he seemed interested romantically, and then he started dating someone else - but we remained just as close of friends. He is one of my best friends, and I have always tactfully made clear to him that my feelings were just platonic, and that I would always be a friend to him.

[mhowe]

Okay --- then I suggest you stop responding to these all day/into the night messages. You are actually encouraging him by staying "engaged" in the conversation.

[newgirlhere]

Well, I've worried about not responding during the day since it's so out of the norm for our friendship and he hasn't crossed any real boundaries or disrespected me (although I suppose any hint at romance is crossing a boundary).

 

I definitely do not respond to any night-time messages (he sends these because of his work hours - not because of any bedtime creepiness for the record, ha).

 

Good advice to just not respond. I suppose I was wondering if my confronting it would come accross egotistical or like an overreaction?

 

My fear is that I can't continue being his friend this way, unless he is involved with someone else romantically and thereby no longer flirting with me.

 

Anyway, thanks for your insight mhowe. It's my responsibility to change things since I'm obviously picking up on things and responding as if nothing's wrong.

[DancingFool]

Look, opposite sex friendships can only work when both people have absolutely zero romantic interest and attraction to each other, never have and never will AND when both people observe normal friendship boundaries, as in don't use the friendship as substitute relationship.

 

So you wonder where you went wrong? Several places. First of all, you should have dropped him the first time he disclosed his true desires for you. You didn't and he basically became that guy who pretends to be a friend but is really waiting for you to have a vulnerable moment so he can pounce on you. Well guess what? You are in that vulnerable moment right now and guess what he is doing?

 

Also, this " /snip... my friend and I have continued to bond" and this "/snip... we talk daily and about anything and everything seems good". When you bond with someone to this degree, talk to them daily, etc. etc. etc. etc. you are in effect in a relationship with them but for having sex. When you do that, you really shouldn't be surprised that he then wants the full package, because you've got everything else going on. Whether you like to admit it or not, you are using him and there are consequences to that. So either date him or be fair to him and drop him like a rock so he can finally get over you and get on with his life and have healthy relationships with someone else. The way things are now, you are using him and your "friendship" is really not quite a genuine friendship on either side. There is a big difference between calling up a guy friend once in a blue moon to get a guy's take on your relationship problems and talking to a guy every single day and bonding with him like you are his gf.

[mhowe]

Again ---"confront" is not the word or action here.

 

You like him as a friend. So ---- disenage from these huge marathons and go a little distant for a bit. He may be transferring his feeling for being IN a relationship

to you. But you don't need to accept them.

[newgirlhere]

I definitely do not think my talking to him daily makes me his gf - he is like this with many girls that are his friends, and I am not of the belief at all that men and women cannot be just friends. He never actually came out and said that he wanted to be more than friends, even if it was implied at one time - and I didn't want to jump to that conclusion, just as I'm afraid to jump that conclusion now.

 

I have many male friends. I am not leading him on and acting like a girlfriend at all, and it'd be crazy random of him to think so. I was never using him, again, because 'using' someone implies that I am purposefully trying to be close to someone to fill some kind of void when I'm single - or that I am not genuinely being there for him just as a friend. He and I have had an established close friendship where we have spoken every single day for YEARS, even if we were in romantic relationships at the time (and my boyfriend was aware of this). We've also both had OTHER friends of the opposite sex of this nature. I don't understand how we can't do this without it meaning I am using him somehow, when the fundamental nature of our friendship has been platonic. I'd greatly miss his friendship - that;s what I am saying. It's an established and fundamental friendship in my life. And in his - and I don't believe his motives the entire time were as someone trying to be with me romantically. The last week or so has really thrown me off guard because he hasn't expressed himself this way to me in years.

 

I guess i'm just sad that the overall view is that I'm using him by maintaining exactly the same friendship we've had for years.

 

In any case, I really like mhowe's advice to go a little distant and I will try that, and see how that goes. I do believe this could be a little transferrence since I'm sure he misses the companionship of his gf even though that didn't work out.

[lavenderdove]

OK, these things happen. He's probably always been carrying a torch for you romantically, and fights it because you haven't taken him up on it when he hinted he wanted more. And now that torch has erupted into a raging fire and he's really having trouble controlling his feelings.

 

Part of this could be that you are not being direct enough with him in your rejection. You can't be squeamish about rejection or else someone who interacts with you constantly as a friend may think if they only hang around long enough and the time is right, you might fall in love and agree to a romance. So rather than saying vague things like 'I value our friendship too much to jeopardize it by trying a romance,' you need to be blunt and say 'I am flattered that you feel that way, but I just don't have those romantic feelings for you and know that I never will so you need to look elsewhere for a GF.'

 

In other words, if he doesn't 'get' and accept a soft rejection, you have to give him a hard one. Then you immediately follow up with 'the tone of your messages are more like a BF than a friend, and it is starting to make me uncomfortable because I can't respond to you in the same way because I don't have those feelings. I don't want to hurt you, but you and I are never gonna happen romantically, so you need to put that attention and effort into finding a girl to date.'

 

Then you hit him with the ultimate reality, which is to tell him, 'I think we need to ramp back on the friendship for a while until you get a new GF and get these feelings for me under control. So I think a period of no contact is necessary to help you get over me and put these feelings to rest. How about we do a status check again in 6 months to see if you can be OK with just being friends and not expecting/wanting more. If you're not there in 6 months, we'll check again at a year. Meanwhile, I want you to be happy, so please put your efforts into finding a woman who wants to be with you rather than spending your time thinking about me that way.'

 

Then you cut him off and stop any kind of contact for at least 6 months to see if he can re-adjust his feelings or not. I know it is hard, but I've been in this situation with a few guys, and it is kinder to them if you cut them off from you to give them a chance to heal and find someone else. It's no skin off your back to stay friends, but it costs them a LOT emotionally to be in unrequited love with you. And they need to really understand it is never gonna happen with you so they need to knock it off and find someone else. The only way some of them will do it is if they don't have access to you so that they can get the fantasizing under control.

[newgirlhere]

Okay, I hear what y'all are saying.

 

And yeah, I have definitely been too soft on him. I feel awful now looking back.

 

Obviously I care a lot about the people in my life and never want to hurt any of their feelings - so this is a new challenge in my life: being assertive about what's best for myself (and ultimately the people involved) without feeling guilty about it. It was a test for me to end the relationship I was in with the guy I was dating, and this is a new test for sure.

 

I definitely never want to let him linger on with feelings (that I definitely dooo think I'm sensing correctly) that are unreciprocated when I think so highly of him and want him to find what he is looking for in the right woman. I know he will.

 

thanks for spelling out some things I could maybe say, Lavenderdove. I hate to say I am handicapped in this area, but I really am.

 

Thanks again

[mhowe]

I had to do this in college --- my bf graduated and told his best friend to "watch out for me"....I wasn't dating anyone on campus and I already knew Ed as my bf's best bud. We hung out a ton, played pool together....and then, just before my bf was returning for a visit ---- I found out that Ed had confided in another mutual friend of theirs that he wanted to tell my bf that he was in love with me.

 

Mind you, he had never said anything of the sort to me, and I thought we were friends. So ---- I had to tell him we couldn't hang out any more, and that I did not have feelings like that for him. It was hard ---- and I really missed his friendship. But ----it had to be done.

[lavenderdove]

The way you need to look at it is his feelings are hurt every single day due to unrequited love... extremely painful and distracting.

 

So it really is the kinder thing to do to cut him off. He may freak out and insist he can handle it or he's got it under control or he's fine with friends etc. etc. etc., but a lot of that freaking out is he's addicted to you and chasing hope that you'll one day agree to be with him like a carrot on a stick.

 

So whatever his reaction is, just accept it calmly/quietly and repeat you understand, but you don't want to continue with it the way it is because you don't think it is healthy for either of you, and you both need a little breather from the friendship in order to ramp it back to a real friendship without any other emotional undertones.

[newgirlhere]

Thanks very much. I really had not thought of this that way - as it being better for him in the long run for me to withdraw as a friend. But then again, I've been in his shoes before too where I've wanted to be more than just friends and the person in question was content with things as they were. That hurt me too and in the long run I was better off moving on from them entirely.

 

Would definitely be selfish of me to continue as I have been with him and I am realizing that looking through all of our messages lately.

[lavenderdove]

As they say, 'hope springs eternal.' And if he is really infatuated with you and deep into the fantasy that you are 'the one' for him, you do have to take some drastic measures to help him see that him hoping for it is just never going to make it happen.