I think I've become a doormat... What should I do now?

[Treeps]

Sorry in advance for the wall of text. My hope is that by typing everything out, I myself may see some things, as well as give a better idea of the relationship, in the hope for people being able to provide the best advice possible.

 

I'll start by saying we're both 21 and in university, and this would be my first relationship, so I didn't have any experience to back me up.

 

So about a year and a half ago, I was taking an elective course out of interest, and I found out an old elementary/high school friend was in the same class as me. We immediately started talking, and gradually started spending more and more time together, and we were having non-stop fun with no problems at all. Eventually I knew I liked her a lot, so I asked her out for Valentine's Day. She said yes, and not long after, we were officially bf/gf. Things were great, and I was doing everything I could to make her happy, but thinking back, this is also when some flags started to pop up.

 

Once we were dating, she would occasionally complain about small things that bothered for. Some examples are:

-Correcting her when she'd tell me a "fact" that was really just a common misconception

-Taking games too seriously, because I was progressing faster than her on some silly Facebook game we played together

-Not engaging in conversation enough when we went on a triple-date to a movie with her friends

(Often she wouldn't even complain about things right after they happened, but would instead bottle everything up until about a week later)

 

Since I've never been a confrontational person and I'd just want to end the fight, I would always immediately start apologizing for my "mistakes", and after a bit she would go back to her usual cheerful self that I loved.

 

After two months, she broke up with me, saying I was rude and immature and not to talk to her anymore. Seeing as it was my first relationship, I turned into a bit of a mess and begged her to take me back. Obviously it didn't work, and through the help of some friends and family, I got over it.

About a month later, she texted me out of the blue saying she forgave me, and we eventually got back together.

Thus began a series of breaks-ups and make-ups that went on for several months (note: after that first break-up, she would always break up through text), before I finally tried to get us to sit down and have a talk. She basically just said "I don't trust you", so I ended things, and we basically blocked all contact from each other.

 

About half a year later, I got kind of bored and lonely one night, so I decided to browse a dating site for the hell of it. Wouldn't you know it, I happened accross her (active) profile. After pretending she didn't exist her for so long, seeing her new pictures brought a lot of feelings back into me. I had no idea how she felt about me after all this time, but I gathered the courage to send her a How-are-you-doing-and-what's-new text, and after a postive response, I asked her out for coffee the next day.

 

Things went even better than expected, and we pretty much got back together on the spot.

The next two months were great, with very little conflict. It basically reminded me of when we first went out.

 

About 2 months ago, we were getting into small fights. The main example is: One day she wanted us to bake some muffins together. I decided to (innocently) ask her if she had a recipe. She got annoyed and accused me of constantly "micro-managing" her, and asked me to just drop her off at her place, so I did without saying a word.

She texted me the next morning, apologizing for the fight.

A day or two later, she asked me to come pick her up from her research job (which I happily a couple times a week). I came right away, and when I got there, I asked someone where she was. They told me she hadn't gotten back from the field yet. So I patiently waiting 20 minutes before I decided to text her and ask where she was. She answered saying her group was just pulling in now. When she came in 5 minutes later, I calmly asked her why she told me to pick her up half an hour before she was even ready. She immediately got annoyed, saying her group was running late, and accused me of "jumping on her" the moment she finished work. On the ride back to her place, I (as it seems I always do) apologized for "jumping on her", but tried to ask her to respect my time by making sure she's ready to be picked up before asking me to come. She just said she "didn't want to talk to me right now".

The next day, she sends me one of her signature break-up texts, saying "I think we should just be friends". I don't even bother responding.

 

A month later, at the beginning of July, she sends me a text wishing me a Happy Fourth of July and hoping I'm having a good summer.

I decide to respond, wishing her a happy one too, and telling her the fun summer plans I've got set up with my friends.

This ends up leading into a conversation, and eventually she tells me she's sorry for how she broke things off, telling me she has a fear of commitment, and that I don't deserve someone who puts me through this kind of stuff.

I told her I forgave her, and we (yet again) told each other how much we missed each other, promised each other we would work on build trust and a strong foundation, and at the end she asked me if I wanted to go watch the fireworks with her. I said yes.

 

So, once again, we were back together. Things were perfectly fine for a week, but something was bothering me:

 

During the time we were spending together at my place, she would spend more time than usual texting on her phone. Along with this, I noticed she had added a couple people on her Facebook that didn't seem to have any obvious connection to her.

So (while I know snooping is wrong and I wouldn't normally do it), I took a wild guess and checked her old dating profile that I mentioned above.

Turns out, she started using it again, and even updated her pictures to very recent ones. But what worried me the most was that her status still says "single".

 

I decided the best thing to do would be to just directly ask her about it, in the hopes she might put my fears to rest.

Unfortunately that didn't happen.

While she was sitting on the couch, I sat down next to her and calmly told her I found out about her dating profile.

Instead of saying anything, she just turned angry, stood up and started packing her things.

I told her I care about her and that I'm just confused about what I found. She just deflected by saying I don't trust her and that I'm just being jealous.

When I asked her again about the profile, she said she was just looking for friends. When I asked her why she updated her pictures but not her relationship status, she didn't even have an answer.

I reminded her that we promised we would talk things out, but just like a month ago, she said she "doesn't want to talk to me right now". After that she stormed out the door.

A minute later, I get a text from her saying "Can you let me back in to grab the rest of my stuff? I'm not breaking up with you, I just need to go home".

So, I let her back in to grab the rest of her things. Neither of us said a word. She just grabbed the rest of her stuff and, I assume, she had someone pick her up outside.

 

It's been almost a week since then, and I haven't heard anything from her, and I haven't tried to contact her either.

 

 

So my question is: What should I do now?

[jjkk]

Move on and don't get back together w/ her unless you want more on and off, back and forth drama and emotional turmoil. I'd suggest not responding to her ever if she happens to contact you sometime in the future.

 

Best of luck!

[shellyf62]

Block all contact with her, she sounds like a major drama queen. How many more times do you want to get back together & break up?

 

Is she cant have an adult conversation with you & discuss issues when they arise what is the point of having a relationship with her?

 

You need to find someone who doesn't fly off the handle at the least little thing

[SpottiOtti]

She sounds so immature and after everything you wrote, I think she is not the one for you. Cut contact, stop texting/FBing/looking her up on dating sites/whatever. It's time to move on.

[t1lersm0m1]

Yes, Please keep this woman out of your life. You deserve so much better than someone who will break up with you through text who gets a little irritated.

 

Stop being a doormat. What you asked when you picked her up after waiting 30 minutes was perfectly reasonable, and if she was running late out of courtesy she should have let you know, instead of just letting you sit there waiting and wondering where she was. She sounds very self-centered and inconsiderate.

 

Ask yourself why you want a girl who is active on a dating site when she is in a relationship with you. Is this really someone you want in your life?

 

Cut her out COMPLETELY, block her on social media, don't look up her dating profile, and block her number from your phone.

 

Stand up for and respect yourself. This girl is trouble for you.

[Treeps]

Thank you everyone for your responses!

I really appreciate the advice, and I guess the best choice for me is to stop holding out hope and put an end to an unhealthy relationship.

 

I guess I'd just like to add this:

 

The reason I gave this relationship so many chances and ignored a lot of red flags is because I've known her since elementary school, and she was always a really good person. But as well, I know that she faced some abuse in her childhood, along with unhealthy relationships in her teens, and it's caused her to have some anxiety and trust/commitment issues.

 

I always felt like she was a really sweet girl, who's just (for lack of a better word) damaged, causing her to deal with situations in a less-than-healthy way.

And I guess I just naively thought (this being my first relationship) that all I had to was show her that I could make her happy and be there for her, and treat her better than she was in the past.

[SpottiOtti]

Treeps, you are a noble guy. I get where you're coming from. You think that if you just show a person who's been through hell how this is all supposed to work, if you just treat them right, it will heal them, and allow them to restructure the way they handle relationships. If only it worked that way . . . unfortunately, people who have had hard childhoods have to learn how to deal with their pasts and how to avoid repeating the mistakes their caregivers made, all on their own. It's not fair, but it is what it is.

 

I think you will find a lasting, healthy relationship as long as you don't fall into this cycle again. And ask yourself what it says about your needs in a relationship, that you fell into it this time.