More affected by parent's divorce as adult

[orangecounty]

My parents divorced when I was 6 years old. I remember the day they told us very well. It was absolutely heartbreaking and I felt like my whole world was imploding. Yet I had this sense of "just keep moving forward." I subconsciously adopted that motto for many years until I reached the age of 18 and I felt a great deal of resentment and hurt towards my mom who initiated the divorce and who also hadn't really put her kids first throughout the divorce. I felt like all these buried feelings had remerged. I still don't have an overly close relationship with my mom but I don't feel the resentment that I felt when I was 18. That said, I'm now 30 and as I've gotten older I feel like I'm more and more sad over my parent's divorce. It really pains me. I think when I was younger I was so caught up in just living and moving from house to house, week to week that I didn't have time to think about anything. Now that I'm getting older, I see such a separation. I feel such a sense of loss, like I've lost my family. I'm getting married in a few months, maybe that has something to do with how I've been feeling. I rationally know it does no good to hang onto the past and dwell on it, so how do I move forward? I find myself thinking and wishing that my parents were together, that they had never divorced, that I had one set of parents to visit.

[fed up]

sorry to hear this...sounds like you were traumatized by it, likely due to your age at the time, and you kept moving forward and obviously as a young child didn't have the capacity to process it, a divorce, with all its complications, and maybe you never faced it. I think you would be very wise to deal with this now, since its bothering you, with a counsellor or therapist..it probably wouldn't be healthy to bring this unresolved issue into your marriage. good luck. You will be able to move on from this

[T Rex]

I find this terribly selfish because I came from the other side of the coin. My parents stayed together "for the kids".

 

What did it do for us? Well, their relationship crumbled when I was about 5, and they didn't divorce till I was 18. They were MISERABLE, and not-entirely-secretly blamed it on us, and made our lives fairly miserable as well.

 

It's better to be from a broken home than currently living in one, and most relationships end at some point. Love just often doesn't last.

 

I don't see why on earth your parents should have stayed together just for your convenience and insecurities.

[orangecounty]

I can see coming from where you have, that your take on this would be different. I don't think under either circumstances do the kids go unscathed and it's unfortunate that you grew up in such a dysfunctional home , however mine was no less dysfunctional. Everyone has a right to their own feelings over a situation and this does not make them selfish. In a perfect world I would wish for my parents to be together but I have never thought they should have stayed together. It's difficult to understand unless you've lived it.

[redswim30]

OP, I am sorry you are so hurt.

 

But I can tell you as someone who is divorced, it was NOT AT ALL an easy decision. Even though it was the right thing for me, it was still INCREDIBLY hard.

It was not a decision I ever thought I would have to make, and it was extremely painful.

 

Here's what I advise you- Think about your own pain, then realize the divorce was probably INCREDIBLY difficult and painful for your mother to go through, and perhaps you should grant her a little slack. Maybe in her own way, she thought she was putting you first- even if it didn't seem that way to you.

 

I realize every situation is different and I don't discredit your pain or disappointment. But I was also one of those kids whose parent stayed together and were still miserable and put us in the middle! It was TERRIBLE. My fantasy was that they DID get divorced. Even now, they are still married and HATE each other, it's painful to watch.

We all have fantasies about our parents living happily ever after. But take it from someone who has been there, had yours stayed together, you might not in reality have been any happier. Even if your fantasy of it was Bright sunny days with picnics together.

Divorce is tough, but you need to find a way to move on and stop being unhappy over it. Life is comprised of tough decisions- Some we make ourselves, and some that are made for us. We have to learn to move forward, and appreciate what we have. It doesn't mean we aren't allowed to feel disappointment, just accept that all of life comes with hills and valleys.

 

It might help if you recognize that no family unit is perfect, regardless of circumstance. We all have things we wish " might have been" Holding on to disappointment does not change it, and if you aren't careful it can consume you to the point of not enjoying the better parts of your life. Your past does not need to be the same as your present or future, it's what you chose to make it. Concentrate on the family you will be creating. Don't let disappointment in your mom's choice alter your sense of hope. After all, we cannot predict the future. There may be a day when you have to make a difficult choice that not everyone around you may agree with or understand.

 

All the best to you

[Lester]

You said, "I'm getting married in a few months, maybe that has something to do with how I've been feeling."

- If your parents bought into the late sixties "new religion", (the autonomous self), and you yourself never challenged it's false precepts... trust your feelings and be worried. Very worried.

 

You said, "I rationally know it does no good to hang onto the past and dwell on it, so how do I move forward?"

- This is just more sixties fluff. It's good to think about the past! It where everything you know, good and bad comes from! How to move on? Get out of your comfort zone.

 

You said, "I find myself thinking and wishing that my parents were together, that they had never divorced, that I had one set of parents to visit."

- You wouldn't be normal if you didn't think this! Most kids do.

 

What to do:

- Reject the "new way", (it's really just super old world, with a candy coating), and lay the groundwork for a proper marriage.

- Reject anyone who tells you to only follow your heart and just marry!

 

How long have you been dating?

Do you come from compatible backgrounds?

[lostandhurt]

Orange,

I have read some of your other posts and have a good idea what is your mother is like.

 

From what I have read she seems to be extremely selfish. Would you agree?

 

Many times people divorce and each parent tries to be the best single parent they can be but other times one or both parents turn it into a competition. I read things like "she thought we were happier talking to our dad on the phone than her" "when she doesn't get her way she blows up at me".

 

You also mentioned that she put herself first in the divorce and it would seem you are right to believe that by the way she has acted since. To me it sounds like you have more of a problem with your mother than the actual divorce. Perhaps you are afraid you will end up like her? Or perhaps there are a lot of unsaid words pent up inside you that keep this on the surface.

 

If you can accept that your mother is selfish and that no words or deeds can change that it will help. If you want to try and sit down with her one more last time and have that adult conversation and if she blows up at you again you can know you tried and then begin to set some distance between you two. It is sad but some times it is the only way.

 

Keep posting and answer some of the questions I have posed.

 

Best wishes and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!!!

 

Lost