Accepting that it is really over, help and advice needed please.

[miss_sunshine]

My ex broke off our relationship after 11 years as he still did not know if he wanted to get married and have kids. We were just about to buy a house and those things were the next progression so I guess that got him thinking about it all and he realised this was not what we wanted. He broke it off over 2 months ago, we lived together for another month and have no contact for five weeks now, except texting about a couple of bills and him sending me a sentimental picture message 2 weeks ago that I did not respond to.

 

I have been doing okay, better than I expected and I am functioning in my day to day life fine. I am sad about it and miss him terribly but I am getting on with things. I am worried that I will never really accept it though and that part of me is thinking he is going to come back. We split up for 3 months 5 years ago and he changed his mind very quickly and we started seeing each other again within a few weeks and moved back in together after a few months. I think part of me expected that to happen again. I am struggling to believe it is truly over. I also expected him to contact me and want to talk things through. I did not really expect him to change his mind yet as it is not something that would happen overnight anyway but I thought he would feel the need to talk about how things ended, he would miss me and want to chat.

 

Does acceptance just take time? I am trying to tell myself that it is really over and that one day I will have to move on with someone else but I know deep down I think he will contact me and regret it. I am not pining everyday waiting for him to come back or anything and I am getting on with my life but I worry that one day it will all hit me or something and I am not really accepting it for what it is. I also think I was doing the no contact thing in the hope that it would make him change his mind. Well most of me was doing it to help me move on but a small part of me is devastated that he has not contacted me and is thinking is he happier without me, does he not miss me, will we really never speak again? Does no contact on his part mean he is not hurting as much as me?

 

I know I probably just need to keep on moving on the best I can, keep telling myself it is really over. I will also raise it with the therapist I am seeing this week as well. It has also only been 5 weeks since he moved out so its still early I know but I just want to try and get through this in as healthy a way as I can and make sure I am processing it all.

 

Does anyone has any personal experience with a long term relationship ending suddenly and how long it took them to move on and accept it?

[imconfused11]

Your story sounds eerily similar to mine. We were together for over 6 years and he broke it off just over 3 months ago now due to not knowing what he wants in life (GIGS). We got engaged 4 months prior to the break up, and just a month before the break up we were actively looking at buying a house.

 

I think for the first two weeks after the break up I was mostly in denial, which is why my friends and family were surprised at how well I was dealing with it. Then one day, 2 weeks post BU, it hit me that this was really happening and that we might never be together again. It was all uphill from there though, as soon as I got those pent up emotions out of my system I was able to motivate myself to move on. I really had to force it though, I had to tell myself day after day that I deserve better than for the person I love the most to be unsure of me, because at the end of the day I was a great girlfriend and fiance throughout our 6 years together and if he couldn't appreciate everything that I'd done and sacrificed for him, then he does not deserve my love. It was also very helpful for me to take a vacation here and there to distract me from the situation.

 

So, 3 months on, I can say that I have accepted that he is out of my life and I've closed that chapter and am genuinely excited about opening up a new one. As far as dating goes, I'm not quite ready for that yet. I did try recently to go on a date, but I just ended up comparing him to my ex the entire time so I decided that dating can wait until I'm ready to give 100% of my attention to a new guy.

 

However, I, like you, know that deep down he will one day regret breaking up. So far since the break up he has contacted me twice and admitted to still being in love with me, but it seems that he changes his mind quickly afterwards and reverts back to his "i don't know what I want" phase. I have now told him not to contact me unless he is 100% sure he wants to get back together. But, to be honest, I know I will be happy whether he ever contacts me to express his regret or not. I have made many travel plans for the near future and am looking forward to my new life.

 

Everyone deals with break ups differently, and the length of time that you grieve also varies from person to person. Not everyone sits in bed and cries, day after day. Apart from the day that I broke down, I have barely cried at all since the break up, simply because I hate crying and think that the energy could be better used elsewhere. Instead, I like to push those feelings away and replace them with a positive outlook. It really has helped immensely to be able to push aside those feelings. And yes, acceptance does just take time. If you are able to function in your every day life just fine then I'd say you are handling things very well, keep doing what you're doing because some day you won't even have to force yourself to realize that it's over, you will just accept it.

 

There's also nothing wrong, I believe, with a bit of hope that one day he will regret it and come crawling back. A bit of hope is healthy to have, just don't let this hope consume your thoughts. There is a common trend among reconciliations where the dumper only comes back after the dumpee has well and truly moved on. A lot of the time the dumpee has moved on to a point where they don't even want the dumper back. So it's good to know that it is a win-win situation for the dumpee. It's great that you didn't respond to his sentimental picture message, responding only prolongs the grieving (as is what happened when I responded).

[Destroyed 33]

Yup, I cant deny that the one thing that tends to cheer me up is when I stop and tell myself: What the f*** is she thinking, lol, there is no way that she is not going to regret this down the road somewhere."

 

She is in her exciting little fantasy world right now floating around on a cloud but what goes up must come back down. She thinks she is above me. She thinks she is better than me, she thinks she can do better than me... She can keep telling herself that for a while but its only a matter of time before she gets a taste of reality.

 

So yeah, personally, I need to keep these things in mind as I continue to process through and climb out of this ditch. Its only a matter of time before the dust starts to settle, she finds her self in a filthy 3 decker apartment in a horrible neighborhood with her new 26 year old cell phone kiosk working boyfriend. She will be kicking herself and hopefully I will have found someone worthy of all that I have to offer and this time, I may even be able to trust them! How awesome would that be? Someone with some direction in life. Someone who actually is not a slob, is good at enjoys cooking, would enjoy going camping with me, has a little drive, appreciates my qualities, my efforts, my hard work and relentlessness to progress in life. Maybe I will find someone who has common interests!

 

Its going to be almost impossible for me to find that person but I got an eye open.

[catfeeder]

Does acceptance just take time?

 

Yes, and a lot of cycles through some stages of grief. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross pioneered 5 stages that initially applied to death and dying, however contemporary therapists have adopted this model to apply to grief over other significant events, such as divorces and breakups.

 

You can research this, but in a nutshell, the stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

 

So you've correctly identified yourself as hovering between denial and bargaining stages. It's important to know is that these aren't neat and linear stages that we progress through one after the other, but rather a mish-mosh of messy overlaps and quick jumps to and from as we tackle various issues that touch on any given stage.

 

That's what's so confusing, because we can feel fine one day, a mess the next--but this doesn't derail our progression. While we feel 'set back' at times, this doesn't negate any progress we've made. Think of it all as cumulative work that can go from feeling hopeless to empowered to angry in the course of an hour or a minute or a week.

 

We start getting more and more glimmers of acceptance over time, and those periods tend to last longer and longer until, say, we reach a full day without tears. Then we might have another bout for several days straight, then move into acceptance again for two or three days--and so on.

 

Your whole approach is important. You can either view this time in your life as an important growth experience, or you can use it to damage yourself and render yourself incapable of healthy relationships going forward. The tricky thing is to be patient through times when you go dark and believe that you can never be 'healthy' again. That feels awful, but it's a natural pass-though--as long as you allow it to pass without latching onto it as the truth about you.

 

Write here when it helps, and we're here for you.

[miss_sunshine]

imconfused11, I am sorry to hear your story. Your post was really helpful to me and we are in very similar situations. I am going to take your advice and remind myself that I do deserve someone who is sure that I am the one and appreciates everything I have done. After 11 years I thought that was the case and I need to remember that like you I was a good girlfriend. I was kind, supportive and caring and was always there for him.

 

I am going to wait a few months until I even think about dating as well. I am just not ready and I do not want to string someone along anyway and I need to work on myself first and heal. I have been in a couple for so long and I know if I jump straight in to another one that if it fails I will be devastated. If I take the time now to know I am okay on my own, that I do not need anyone then I will be able to find a much healthier relationship than the one I would find if I started dating now.

 

And you are so right, when the bad feelings start creeping in I will try very hard to replace them with positive ones. It is so easy to think that because he left me everyone else will, that there is something wrong with me, that I could not keep my man yet all my friends managed to get someone to marry them, that even after 11 years I was not good enough for him to marry. I try very hard not to give in to those thoughts, and I know rationally that I will probably find someone else but sometimes it is very hard.

[miss_sunshine]

Thanks for your post Destroyed. And it did cheer me up at first to think he would realise him mistake but as the weeks role on I start to wonder if he really is happier without me. Whether he finds it hard to fall asleep at night without me. Whether he misses our relationship and all that I know it could have been. And for what it is worth I am sure you can find someone who has all those qualities you listed. I am a girly girl but I love going camping and lots of girls I know do as well and plenty of people are tidy and like cooking so I think it will be easy enough for you.

[miss_sunshine]

Thanks catfeeder your post was very helpful. I am definitely in that phase you suggested. And you are so right having a bad day does not set back your progress and I just need to be patient with myself. I definitely want to use this time as a growth period and come out of this as a better and stronger person.

[Tanzi]

I can relate to how you are feeling.

 

When my ex-husband left me for the second time (7 years ago now) I was surprisingly OK about it. I told myself that it was because I'd been here before and therefore the pain wasn't as shocking as the first time around.

 

However, in time, I found out that he had been having an affair and had left me for someone else and my emotions quickly spiralled out of control. It was evident at that point that I still felt as though we were a couple (we were co-parenting so still had regular contact and outings with our 3 children) but once I knew he had someone else, it put the kibosh on that and I found that much harder to cope with!

 

HOWEVER …. I would like to add quickly … I still moved on from all of that and can tell you with all surety (from this and other more recent experiences) that the balance of our emotions gradually shift until we realise that we are no longer holding on to possibility of getting back together. For me, that is when I know I have found acceptance.

 

With my most recent ex and therefore my most recent experience, I knew I had finally found peace with the situation when I stopped thinking about us getting back together. It wasn't a sudden realisation where I woke up one day and thought "I have finally accepted". It was gradual. I gradually stopped thinking about him so much, I also stopped hurting so much when I did think about him. I stopped fantasising about us getting back together and instead of waking up and HIM being my first thought in the morning, I was thinking about my daughter's sandwiches that I had forgotten to make the night before for her packed lunch or how I had to quickly nip into Town to get this or to get that. Everything lessens until you no longer see it as a negative force.

[Ms Darcy]

Yes, acceptance takes time. I would encourage you to talk to yourself about what your expectations are for your life. If you want marriage and kids he's just a huge waste of time.

 

Personally I wouldn't want to be with a man who left me after five years instead of marrying me. I would be super ticked he did it twice in 11 years. A man doesn't need 11 years. He just doesn't want kids with you and doesn't want to be alone.

 

Please don't date a guy for more than four years without a commitment in the future.

[miss_sunshine]

Thanks a-little-blue I have also noticed that I am handling it a lot better the second time around. I think somewhere subconsciously I was always waiting around for him to do it again. I think something in me died the first time he left me and I always promised myself that I would never take him back a second time. I forgave him once but I know I could never do it again and I would never be able to trust him anyway. But it is not looking like that is going to be an option anyway as he is not contacting me and I am okay with that. I just would have thought he would have needed some closure after the way things ended but what can I do other than accept it and move on.

 

It's funny how as time progresses you start to remember different things and your focus shifts. Like today for the first time I started to think about all the things I could have done better in the relationship and the things I would change. I took a moment to actually mentally tell him I was sorry and acknowledge my part to play in all this and I actually felt better. I also realised that one day when I decide to move on I can start fresh, all those mistakes I made are gone. I don't have to feel guilty about them anymore and there is nothing I can do to change them. I know 99.9% of the time I was a wonderful girlfriend and I know he knows that.

 

And Ms Darcy, thank you as hard as that was to hear I know you are right. I promised myself early in our relationship that I would only wait four years and that came and went. And I thought I am only young, there is still time and look where it lead me. I am 31 now and there is no way I will wait more than 2 years for the next man and I will be establishing pretty early on that we are both on the same page. And if he tells me things like my ex did, like marriage is just a piece of paper and he does not need it to be committed then I will take that for what it is and move on. I wont think he will change his mind, and I wont wait around for someone to validate me by marrying me. I know it says a lot about me that I waited for 11 years, that I did not have the strength to leave and the belief in myself that I deserved better. I will not make the same mistake twice.

[Tanzi]

Thanks a-little-blue I have also noticed that I am handling it a lot better the second time around. I think somewhere subconsciously I was always waiting around for him to do it again. I think something in me died the first time he left me and I always promised myself that I would never take him back a second time. I forgave him once but I know I could never do it again and I would never be able to trust him anyway. But it is not looking like that is going to be an option anyway as he is not contacting me and I am okay with that. I just would have thought he would have needed some closure after the way things ended but what can I do other than accept it and move on.

 

I think I was the same. I gave him a chance. He messed up again … and even though my emotions spiralled out of control somewhat after finding out he had been seeing someone else, after the shockwave had run its course through my body I was able to move on quite quickly. It hurt like hell initially but i was able to move on from my marriage far more quicker than my most recent break-up. Looking back on my marriage, I don't believe I was 100% happy anyway.

[Ms Darcy]

You have the right mindset. You are at the age where you need to date seriously if you want marriage and kids.

 

I kinda hate those marriage is a piece of paper people. They do often end up married ... to someone else.

[miss_sunshine]

Arrrggghh Ms Darcy I know that last comment may be true but I really do not want to think about that! That will be tough if he does marry someone else but eh I will deal with that at the time and who knows maybe I will be with someone else by then.

[PaintWithLight]

I know that the OP is hurting along with some of the other posters who had relationships end. However, I would like to make a few suggestions for adjusting the thinking and mental attitude to move you towards faster healing.

 

1) Stop with rehashing the numbers. I know 11 years or 5 years or even 3 years is a significant amount of time but bringing up the number of "lost years of investment" only increases your depression and sense of anger. Hopefully, you did other significant things during those years. Do not fall into the trap of defining yourself by your relationships. You learned, grew, enjoyed life, built friendships all during this time and those things belong to you regardless if your relationship has ended. Do not let your time with him be the subtitle for that decade, pick your own definition that reflects your achievements during that time. The 1980s here in the USA were not the "Reagan Years" for me, they were the "New Wave and Travel Years". How you frame things is so very important to your healing.

 

2. It is over long before it is over. This concept will help address the negative internal dialog which says "I can't believe they have moved on so fast" which is quickly followed by "our time together must have meant nothing to them...". This is flawed cause and effect thinking that will really slow down your healing. Most of the time, the dumper has begun the ending process well before the "final straw". They have already wrapped their mind around the change, maybe even had a grieving period where they realize the relationship is not what they had hoped it would be, or they may even have a new relationship poised in the wings.

 

Telling yourself over and over that this was a bolt of lightening out of a blue sky will not help your healing. Following the ex-partner's life and comparing their recovering time is equally harmful. Everyone heals at a different rate and if you are the dumpee, this stuff is often harder because you had not done any of the "pre-separation" mental acceptance. Once you realize that the ex might be on a completely different timeline, the comparisons should stop. This will also free you from having to toxify the time together as being meaningless to the ex. Perhaps it was. Or perhaps they were desperate for a change and could only do it once the discomfort became too great.

 

3. Take the best and leave the rest. With healing and time, you will gain enough perspective to see kernels of good in your time together. Perhaps his sense of humor is something that you would like in a future partner. Right now, your hurt and anger is urging you to throw the whole mess in the bin and call it garbage. However, you selected this person for a reason. Examine those motives. Find the good and acknowledge it and find the red flags that you decided to ignored and vow to learn from those as well.

[Kuala]

Thank you!