6 wks pregnant, profoundly depressed and discouraged

[NebraskaJones]

I would not say I am looking for advice (although you are welcome to give it) so much as just wanting to get some things off my chest and hoping somebody will tell me I'm normal and that everything is going to be okay. Since there are so many issues and I don't know which ones are really the root of my problem (which is very severe depression), I'm going to try to cover all the pertinent info, so this will be long.

 

For background, the baby is very much wanted. I have been wanting and trying to have a baby for the past six years. However, after the first few years, all the failure really started to eat away at me. My husband (who is a good man, but works at a very demanding job which seems to require all of his brainpower and mental energy, leaving little for me) was not supportive during this time and over the last few years I had become very angry and bitter and resentful, to the point where I decided I no longer wanted a "stupid child". For more background, I am 36 years old--I did not want to be having my first child at this age and in all honesty most of the blame lands squarely on the shoulders of my husband, who could never be bothered to get involved in the "getting pregnant" process other than having sex with me--it was only in this past year that he has gotten it through his head that we do not have all the time in the world and that maybe he should become a more active, conscientious participant. Previously I was the only one who was putting any thought or effort into the process outside the bedroom in terms of doctor's visits, educating myself, tracking ovulation, and taking pregnancy tests. The constant disappointments were very hard on me and I felt I could not talk to him about it--he said he didn't want to know if I "thought" I might be pregnant, he only wanted to know if I was sure, so there were times where I thought I was pregnant and miscarrying (heavy menstrual bleeding after a delayed period) where I was just on my own. Pretty much every cycle my hopes would get up, then be dashed, and I had nobody to talk to about it.

 

Some time this past year I just gave up and I told him that I had given up and this was a big wakeup call for him--suddenly he was ready to get involved, suddenly he didn't want to give up. Even though I felt it was too late for me (I had no more hope and was filled with nothing but bitterness, anger, and resentment), I reluctantly continued along our six-year path of trying to have a kid--I was just doing it for him, in my heart I was secretly trying to work to accept that I would be childless. Within months, really after the first month of us BOTH putting a serious effort into it--we got pregnant.

 

Despite my previous bitterness, I was (and am) very happy with the news. But ever since I found out, I have been having a very difficult time. One contributing factor is that I have had to quit smoking marijuana cold turkey--I smoked quite a bit until I found out I was pregnant, so it has been very hard on me. The worst side effect was the anxiety, which was through the roof especially in those first few days after I found out I was pregnant and stopped smoking. I feel that most of the worst has passed as far as the MJ is concerned--but I don't know. The insomnia and anxiety have waned, but what I'm left with now is a profound depression. I have a history of depression, but before this pregnancy it was more or less manageable without medication. Now I feel more depressed than I have felt in a very long time, but I feel I cannot take medication for it, same for my anxiety, so I feel totally "up a creek without an oar." My husband has continued to smoke, which bothers me. I just feel like I would feel guilty as hell in his shoes, smoking away while my pregnant wife can't and is really struggling--but he just keeps smoking and I don't think he will ever stop, even after the child is born, which just adds to my stress. I feel like I can't MAKE him stop, so there's nothing I can do, but I do not like the situation I find myself in--struggling with a pregnancy at an age where there are higher risks of complications and problems, trying desperately to stay off drugs for the sake of my child, yet living with an unrepentant pothead who often is forgetful and careless because he's high all the time. I'm not totally opposed to smoking marijuana, but with me being off it and him on, I find that we are on totally different wavelengths. At first he was good about sneaking off quietly to smoke without making it obvious (which made it easier on me to stay sober), but lately he's barely tried to hide it and I feel that his carelessness is jeopardizing my efforts to stay off the drug. This was actually one of the reasons I had a hard time quitting before--I would quit and he would still smoke, even right around me, even after I asked him not to, and I always gave into the temptation.

 

So anyway...there are just no two ways about it, I am really quite (clinically) depressed now. I have been trying to keep my happiness in check since it is so early in the pregnancy and a miscarriage would not be surprising at all--so I don't let myself ever get TOO happy about the baby. Maybe after the first trimester I will allow myself to get more excited about it, but I'm only halfway there and I haven't even gotten to the worst parts such as morning sickness, which might kick in in the next couple weeks. I was honest with my husband today about how I've been feeling, but...I don't know, he is one of those people who I don't think really "believe" in depression and I feel he has no empathy for me and thinks I should just "get over it." He tries to be sweet, but I don't seem to be getting through to him how serious the situation is. I'm not going to kill myself, but it's serious enough that death feels like it would be preferable to this. I honestly feel like I just want to die, and I feel like I have nobody to talk to about this. I am very close to my mom, but I don't want to alarm her and she lives hundreds of miles away. My best friend also lives far away and a phone conversation just isn't going to cut it. I basically have no local friends. I've always been the type to only have a few close friends, who I hold onto for forever. I have rarely regretted not having local friends I can hang out with in person, but now I wish I had even just one.

 

I just want to hear that it is going to get better, that these are just physical symptoms that will pass. I had looked forward for so many years to being pregnant--I even thought I'd be laughing with joy as I threw up with morning sickness because it meant I was going to have a baby. But the baby didn't come until all those hopes and happy dreams got crushed and I had begun to learn to accept that I was not meant to have kids. Sometimes I feel a lot of happiness about this pregnancy, but for the most part I feel very sad and lonely--and it's all made worse by me feeling guilty. The first week after we found out, when my MJ withdrawal symptoms were at their worst, my husband said I was "sucking all the happiness" out of the pregnancy. Now I feel like I can't even be honest about how I feel any more, and trying to constantly suppress my feelings only makes me feel worse. I have been experiencing quite a bit of cramp-like abdominal pain, pretty much every day, and I am worried about this being an ectopic pregnancy or having a miscarriage.

 

Anyway, even if nobody can show me the light at the end of the tunnel, maybe somebody else will read this and know they are not alone.

[SooSad33]

" Now I feel more depressed than I have felt in a very long time, but I feel I cannot take medication for it, same for my anxiety, so I feel totally "up a creek without an oar." My husband has continued to smoke, which bothers me. I just feel like I would feel guilty as hell in his shoes, smoking away while my pregnant wife can't and is really struggling--but he just keeps smoking and I don't think he will ever stop, even after the child is born, which just adds to my stress. I feel like I can't MAKE him stop, so there's nothing I can do, but I do not like the situation I find myself in--struggling with a pregnancy at an age where there are higher risks of complications and problems, trying desperately to stay off drugs for the sake of my child, yet living with an unrepentant pothead who often is forgetful and careless because he's high all the time."

- In ways I find you indiferent and bitter re: your husband. There's a lot of frustrations in his regard, but you did want a baby, with him.

If you're so happy with expecting your child and you've had this all 'in your head', you could have quit a long time ago, smoking your pot. ( Not when you learned you were). You could gave gone into NA or something since you were really wanting this.. pregnancy.

 

As for depression now, etc. How about discussing it with your doctor?

 

If your husband is NOT familair with depression, you can not expect him to know how to handle it. He could read up on it or you two can try therapy, together, even, to work on these issues.

 

If you're feeling crampy etc.. another reason to get in to see a doctor.

 

Try to relax, get out & get some air, some sun.. take it easy. Mentally & emotionally best you can but do look into some of things i've suggested to help you two out here.

Best try to work it out- together.

So- don't go on about what he is doing...

[littleL_RN]

Nebraska, I can only imagine how tough it is to be far from family and friends at this important stage in your life. I'm not sure what region you're in, but have you looked into perinatal support groups and counseling? At the facility I work, there is actually an entire practice devoted to counseling and therapy for expectant and post-partum mothers. I haven't pursued it yet, but it's comforting to know those types of resources are available. Your doctor may be able to point you in the right direction in that regard.

 

As far as your husband goes, it feels almost elementary to say it, but he couldn't ever fully understand unless he's experienced it. I'm just rounding out my first trimester and still very nauseated and throwing up. My husband continues to eat very pungent foods, drink beer, etc. Sometimes, it actually makes me sick to be around him while he does those things. But he's not thinking on the same level, and I'd assume your husband isn't either.

 

You should be direct and basically reiterate everything you've said here. Ask him to be more discreet if he feels the need to smoke...go outside. Remind him how it derails your progress and is putting your unborn baby at unnecessary risk. Also, ask for help when you need it! Taking initiative is not a strong point for many men. I've always been stubbornly independent, but during this time, I've requested countless grocery store runs, back rubs, and just plain company of my husband. It's a challenging time...there is just no getting around it.

 

I can tell you that the feelings of isolation/loneliness you have are normal. I think you're just experiencing it to a much higher degree given your living situation, that you're far from family, etc. I have friends and family close by, but I still come here to vent my frustrations.

[lavenderdove]

First, if you have been a regular smoker, you have been flooding your brain with external chemicals for a long time, and it is well known that withdrawal from weed can cause a feelings of 'flatness' and lack of enjoyment and sometimes depression. The brain is a very complicated chemical bio-feedback mechanism, and when you're flooding your brain with certain chemicals, it down regulates and stops producing some of your natural brain chemicals that make you feel comfortable and satisfied because it is so flooded artificially with weed chemicals. So when you stop, it is only producing lower levels of many chemicals naturally to compensate for the massive amounts you are flooding it with externally, it usually takes at least 45 days or more for the brain to fully recognize it is no longer being flooded with that external chemical and the biofeedback mechanism to start producing its own natural brain chemicals again. That is why addictions are so hard to kick, because during that period when you are going without the weed or other drug and without your own natural 'comfort' chemicals, you are miserable which drives people back into drug use because they feel so crappy because their brain has downregulated natural chemicals to compensate for the flood from the drugs and takes time to start producing them again.

 

But the good news is your brain will eventually right itself and re-balance its chemistry, but it doesn't happen overnight. So I imagine if you are 6 weeks pregnant now, you've only quit for one month, which means you will start to feel better within the next few weeks or month or two if you tough it out. You also might want to talk to your doctor because there are medications you can safely take during pregnancy to help with this. And you need lots of vitamins when going off drugs (and for pregnancy) so you need to make sure you are getting pre-natal vitamins and especially the B-vitamins.

 

Next, you've got a bigger problem in that your husband is a pot head and you are about to have a child. You do not want someone who is deeply enmeshed in regular drug use to be in charge of a child when he is high or doing active drug use around your child. So he needs to ramp back to only rare use and not when in the company of your child or when he has to take care of the baby to protect the safety of your baby.

 

It might also explain your infertility issues and his lack of attentiveness to you if he is always stoned as soon as he gets off work. This is actually a very bad situation to bring a child into, and he needs to grow up fast. He needs to set taper himself off it, and you need to if necessary leave him to raise your child away from his drug addiction if he won't. It is hard to quit cold turkey, so you might suggest he go on a plan for each week, where he cuts out one smoking session per week each week until he has dwindled down to no more than once a month (or not at all). Unless you are willing to get babysitters so that they two of you can go off and smoke and turn the child over to someone else when you are high, then you are both being bad parents if you continue in this mode or if you allow your husband to be stoned constantly around your kids while you're stuck with child care duty because he is always stoned.

 

So having a baby is more than just the biological act of giving birth, it is recognizing that you must change certain lifestyle choices in order to raise children if you want to do it well and to ensure the health and safety of your children. And I think part of your depression now is realizing that your husband is not the best prospect to be a father if he is a total pot head. And frankly you should be angry at him for him telling you you are ruining his high... no, the answer here is not him telling you you are ruining his high, the answer is him growing up and stopping getting high and being a pot head.

 

So your first step is to go to the doctor and tell them about the depression and ask if there are any safe medications that can be prescribed to help you. And try to get out and get natural sunlight and take walks, since sunlight and endorphins from exercise can help realign the brain's biological clocks and chemistry. Take pre-natal vitamins and make sure you get proper nutrients to feed yourself and your baby. I do think once your brain chemistry rebalances around the 2-3 month mark you might start to feel better naturally. But in the meantime, ask your doctor for help if you feel it is severe.

 

And once you feel better, you need to start addressing with your husband the extent of his smoking and the fact that you are about to be parents and he needs to act like one rather than like a stoned teenager all the time. If he can't taper off on his own, he needs to go to rehab or get a therapist or join a support group that will help get him sober/clean. And if he absolutely refuses, then eventually you will have to make some hard choices about whether to stay with a man who will raise your kids around drugs and in a perpetually stoned state of mind. Nothing is grosser and more annoying than an old pot head who spends the majority of his time looking for ways to get high and avoid real life (and his children). You need to try to start this off right, and it is a very positive sign that you recognized that you needed to stop for the sake of your child and take responsibility for being the adult in the room. Now your husband needs to do the same, and if he won't, then you might consider getting marriage counseling to help straighten him out.

[NebraskaJones]

Thank you very much for your replies. I am happy to say that I am now feeling worlds better. I think that post was born out of a "perfect storm" of my weed withdrawal reaching its peak and a hormone-fueled mood swing. The day after I posted that I seemed to hit rock bottom, with maximum depression, some cramping pains, and the worst nausea I've had so far....And then things all started to get better! (So much better that I am now worried that something has happened to the baby--yay, a new thing to worry about! I'm trying to just remain calm until I get some real confirmation from my doctor in the way of a heartbeat or them being able to locate the baby on an ultrasound.)

 

Now that the weed withdrawal has passed and most of my anxiety and depression has subsided, I'm finally able to really be happy about this pregnancy. There is no question in my mind that much of my agony that I expressed was totally because of the w/d and the hormones. I have a history of severe PMS, and that was what it was like--I was just seeing the worst in everything. I had thought that my pregnancy symptoms were just going to get worse and worse every day until after my first trimester, but what I found was that they actually come and go rather than steadily building. The only symptom I have left of the depression is a lack of motivation to be productive, but I no longer feel that utter despair, it's more like fatigue. I've been very relieved to find that the nausea can go as fast as it comes--I had been looking forward with terror thinking I was just destined to be nauseous and vomiting 24/7. I feel so much better now because I can tell myself that no matter what the symptom is, it will pass--and I know it's true now.

 

Since morning sickness was one of my greatest fear about this pregnancy, I've researched a lot for tips of how to ease it, and I've found the following especially helpful (so far no vomiting--yippeeee I feel like the luckiest woman alive!)

* I eat a lot of Saltine crackers, keeping them on my night stand. Any time throughout the night when I have to get up (a million times to pee--holy moly is that crazy), I nibble on a cracker. Keeping my stomach from ever being completely empty has been instrumental in helping with my nausea.

* Avoiding liquids with meals, trying to wait half an hour after eating to consume them (I do drink with meals, but I don't chug liquids like I used to.)

* I don't lay down after eating

* I drink lots of water

 

As for my other symptoms, I've found that they tend to come in clusters, possibly even in a certain order--cramping pains usually signal an oncoming moodswing where I will become very teary (thankfully lately they are almost always happy tears.) Sometimes the mood swing brings major irritability. Now I know that these feelings will pass.

 

I'm at 8 weeks now. My first doctor's appointment is next week. I'm feeling so much better about the whole thing. I hope maybe another woman reads this who is struggling either with quitting a drug or PMS-like symptoms from hormones. I thought I may not make it through the weed withdrawal--I even sometimes considered just starting smoking again, because there are women who say they smoke weed during pregnancy with no side effects. But I really think I made the right choice and strengthened myself by quitting. My husband still smokes, but it doesn't bother me nearly so much. (Though I do plan on asking him to stop later on in the pregnancy.) Honestly I feel so "high" from the happiness of finally being pregnant that I feel better than I ever did when smoking.

 

I'm going to talk to my doctor about my depression. I no longer feel like I need anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication, but I want to keep her informed about it. I'm also taking my vitamins. We are actually moving in about a month, so once we get to our new hometown I will look into prenatal support groups for sure. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and sharing your wisdom.

 

ETA: I almost forgot to mention that my husband has really stepped up his game. He took some time to do some reading from my pregnancy book--just seeing him read it made me feel better, knowing he was showing some interest and educating himself. He has really been treating me really well lately, being extra sweet and very encouraging to me and trying to do his best to comfort me--praying with me and giving me massages and basically just being really understanding. The other morning he even got out a cracker for me and set it on my nightstand so it was ready if I needed it. Today he gave me a wonderful full-body massage, and every day he tells me over and over that he loves me and that he already loves our baby. I feel so much better!