Sex drive gone after getting back together

[Cidmercury]

Anybody else gone through this? And have some tips for getting past it?

My fiancé and I separated and got back together (to keep it short)

We had some issues for awhile and things got to be to much to handle.. Trust was broken, he made me an option and no longer a priority.. There was a lot of negative feelings.. Betrayal.. I was just broken and a mess because of him and his actions and moved out

After a lot of heartbreak and emotion we got to talking again and this man is really trying and been really trying to prove himself to me and has been so patient with me and this process and trying to regain the trust and love and I want to!

Thing is.. My sex drive is at a 0.. And that's causing problems now, sex is important and I want to be intimate with him and he try's and I just get.. Annoyed maybe? Like I'm just not into it I feel pushed away when he continues you try and if I have to tell him to stop trying to fool around or touch me or something.. I have to ask over and over and then he tells me I'm a prude and a grump (jokingly) but it actually hurts my feelings and makes me feel terrible. I want to fix this and get past it, I feel like this issue is one he lacks patience for and again it just makes me feel bad but I can't help it, I just can't get into it. We will have a great night/date whatever and we will be in bed or something watching a movie and naked and cuddling and everything will be great and then he try's for sex and I'm just off..

Anyone got any insight or some tips?

[RedDress]

I can only speak for myself, but personally, there is a direct link between my heart and my sex drive. If I think someone is the greatest thing since sliced bread, nothing can keep me away. If I am feeling hurt and skeptical about the relationship, I have a very hard time getting turned on. Sex becomes a chore. I'm not trying to be punitive or anything, but I need to "believe" in order to connect in that way.

 

From my own perspective, I would say that you aren't "all in" yet. Perhaps you haven't really forgiven him in your heart and believe things will work? Unfortunately, you have to open yourself up to be hurt and vulnerable if you really want things to work.

 

I think that for his sake (and yours!), you probably need to make a decision about the relationship. Trust is about believing. He can prove himself until the cows come home - but until you decide to take that leap of faith and just decide to believe (even if it means you turn out to be 'wrong' about it) - it will forever be a cycle of him trying and you thinking about it. You either have to jump or not jump. There's no in between.

 

In the meantime, until you decide (but you should decide soon) - I don't think it's fair to cuddle in bed naked with him. Of course he's going to try! And every time he tries and you reject him, it will harm the relationship a little more.

 

Are you ready to decide? If not, maybe you should just let him go. At what point will you decide that you simply can't trust him again?

[Cidmercury]

Red Dress:

 

How do you go all in and just let go?

I completely agree with what your saying and have to say I am not all in, I am still hurt but I know what I want right.

I want it to work so bad and I'm trying to look past what's happened between us but at times my emotions get the best of me.. Obviously I am terrified to be vulnerable and get hurt again and I know that's causing issues for us now.

How do you move on from that when certain negative feelings and emotions can still be fresh

At any moment something can trigger a negative thought or my mind just goes back to what's happened and I just want to be mad at him and push him away and I hate it. I feel so conflicted.

But I love this man and I want to salvage what we had and be happy with him

[RedDress]

How do you go all in and just let go?

 

That's the million-dollar question, right? It's tough. How do you trigger yourself to fall back in love?

 

Well... I am going to say that at some point, you will need to move on from the past and focus on the future.

 

Love is about giving AND receiving. If you have been in "prove yourself to me" mode and being the "judge", have you maybe been receiving but not-so-much giving?

 

Maybe you can start by doing something nice for him. Plan a date. Think of happy memories where you have connected in the past and try to recreate that.

 

It's kind of hard to give when you are mad at someone. Perhaps finding ways to give will break down that wall a little. It will reinforce in your mind that the relationship IS something that you want.

 

And if a bad memory comes up - brush it aside. You have already dealt with that. It's water under the bridge. At some point you have to not pay attention to those thoughts anymore because they are simply not important. The less you pay attention to them, the less it will happen.

 

... that would be my advice.

 

You can't protect your heart AND fall in love. It doesn't work that way. It's one or the other.

[90_hour_sleep]

i've been in a similar position. it boils down to a general lack of intimacy...which is really the willingness to be open, honest, and vulnerable. essentially...it's inviting someone in to be close. sharing bits of yourself that you don't share with just anyone. if you're tentative, apprehensive, uncertain, afraid, etc etc etc...i think it's pretty difficult to build much of anything. most women i've encountered need to have that intimacy in order for there to be any sort of physical spark. no intimacy equates to...no ''intimacy'' (the physical component of intimacy).

 

so...how do you move past that? by inviting closeness back into your life. how do the two of you communicate? do you hear each other? is there a sense of safety? Are you comfortable sharing those little bits of yourself that you don't share with the whole world? do you have fun together? do you have his back? does he have yours?

[SooSad33]

"We had some issues for awhile and things got to be to much to handle.. Trust was broken, he made me an option and no longer a priority.. There was a lot of negative feelings.. Betrayal.. I was just broken and a mess because of him and his actions and moved out"

- This could be your problem.

Sure, maybe he has worked on improving.. BUT, have you worked on healing and dealing with the damages done to your self esteem, insecurities, etc?

 

Maybe you can look into some therapy and even a break from him again for a while, as it seems, maybe your 'heart' just isn't in it? Right now...

maybe you two moved back into it too quickly without dealing with what all went on properly?