Need advice asap Please.

[urbanknight]

Well Let me say, it has been an interesting day... I woke to my girl griping to her parents about something or other. (sorry hands are cold so tough to type) We had plans to attend her friend's little post-hellday get together, and it has been a logistical nightmare trying to get that going with her little idiosyncracies and getting a 4 year old ready. so finally arrive and everything is good. around 1PM yesterday I guess.. so we stay for about 7-8 hours doing the social/barbecue thing which is all good and dandy I suppose. WHen I decide its time to leave, mind you I must work doing some emergency stuff at 3am (which is where I'm at now) she pitches a half coherant drunken rant about my "control issues" and how I never do anything and that I'm Boring... so anyhow I finally get everyone out the door (we brought the dog) we argue the way home and well into 12am From around 10PM I dont remember exactly what happened, I think I was trying to bait her a bit and I tickled her well damn if she was in the mood for that and she bashed me pretty decently on the side of the head, normally I'm pretty mellow and I have never done anything even remotely similar but hell I already had a headache and that totally exacerbated it. Before I really even knew it I had slapped her, i didnt backhand her or anything like that (not that I'm saying one is better then the other) but I did it, I immediately apologized for it, I knew i screwed that up royally, but what the hell can you do? So essentially I left shortly after that, I tried to talk to her but that isn't working. I want to email her, I want to call her but some part of me just doesnt know what the hell to do here. So I'm trying to slot in some hours before anyone comes in, that way I can go home before anyone comes in, but now I don't even know if I want to go home, or if I should. I'm totally torn about that.

 

No Idea what to do right now.. I have been with her for 2 years so I'm just very screwed up right now

[avman]

Sounds like you need an anger management course. You have made a grand effort in your post to rationalize your behavior and lay the blame on her. So I believe your girlfriend that you indeed have control issues and obviously a serious problem with your temper.

 

I knew i screwed that up royally, but what the hell can you do?

 

You did way more than screw up royally. You abused your girlfriend. If she's a smart girl, she'll run away from you as fast as she can before you do it again.

 

As for you, you need to take responsibility for your actions. She didn't "make" you hit her. None of the circumstances you described made you do it either. You did that all by yourself. The only way you'll avoid doing that again is by understanding that you need to control yourself. Please find an anger management course nearby, before somebody gets really hurt.

[urbanknight]

right its ok for girls to punch people in the head right? Nice..

 

Well as far as anger management goes, thats effective good suggestion I will try that. Never has been an issue, However the rest of your diatribe is almost complete drivel.

 

If seeking anger management is the best you can come up as a solution to the question asked, and not taking into account the fact that there are always 2 participants in an argument (or physical struggle for that matter) provoke you to leap onto the offensive towards me, an honest man seeking advice to help repair and salvage a relationship that I have sunk my entire being into over 2 years then I must say that is very sad indeed.

 

I have not blamed her for my actions, nor will I. My hand was not forced, I lost my temper and reacted. I didnt blame her for that.

 

I asked for advice as to how I might salvage things, not to have someone parade me as an "evil man" for some nefarious agenda. If this forum is as gender biased and judgemental as the administrator of this site would have me believe then I retract my question and apologize for coming to the wrong forum.

 

I needed help, not your snap judgement on what is wrong with me.

 

(oh did I forget to bring up the issue that she has hit me on numerous occasions but I have never reacted to her other then raising my voice?.. no I didnt bring that up.. maybe because I'm trying to take responsibility for MY actions that perpetuated this and not trying to just "blame the woman" )

[asmodai]

urbanknight, take it for what you will but hitting women is just not on.. its just one of societys rules but it also happens to be a good one.

 

oh did I forget to bring up the issue that she has hit me on numerous occasions but I have never reacted to her other then raising my voice?..

 

unless i've taken this the wrong way, but it sounds like you are almost proud of the fact that you have been until now able to restrain yourself from hitting her, even tho she hits you- this is the wrong mindset to be in buddy.

 

Sure, women hit men (and sometimes do a REAL good job of it) but it can be a dangerous pattern to get into- pushing turns to slapping, slapping turns to punching and a male is alot more capable of inflicting serious harm (albeit unintentional) to a female than the other way around..

 

Just thought id bring that up, but having said that i'm not accusing you of being a serial woman basher.. you sound like you are genuinely sorry for what you did and thats a start. What can you do to patch things up? Well as long as you've made it clear to her that you are sincerely sorry for what you did, thats all you can do. Its up to HER to decide now. If she stays with you, its then up to you to show her that you wont do that again, no matter what the circumstances...and for that reason alone perhaps seeking help- counselling etc..might not be a bad idea, not just for your sake but for hers aswell..

 

One final thought, this is an open forum- you post your thoughts on here for peoples opinions, and obviously noone here has enough background information about you and your situation, but you need to be prepared to accept whatever opinons people here give you. Its up to you to decide if theres wisdom behind them...

[avman]

I did not parade you as an evil man. I told you to get some help and take responsibility for your actions. I also did not say it was ok for girls to punch people in the head either. I told you what you did was wrong, that you have control and anger issues, and to find an anger management course.

 

And as for the rest of your reaction, your words speak for themselves. Your defensiveness and hostility show that I am correct. You do have anger and control issues. That does not make you evil. But it does mean you have a problem. You need to get some help and guidance for these.

 

Her hitting you is no excuse for hitting her. Period. Perhaps she needs an anger management course as well. But we are talking about you here. Justifying your action by saying you could have hit her numerous times before is not a good thing.

 

You'll have to take your lumps for this I'm afraid. If you remain defensive about what you did then your relationship stands absolutely no chance.

[Avalon23199]

Unlike everyone that has replied to your post, I'm not going to say you need help and that you are a bad person.

 

But I am going to tell you that although you have invested 2 years into this relationship, I think it's time to go your separate ways. It seems to me that you and your g/f have issues that cannot be helped on their own. If she is abusive, then why stay? There is absolutely no reason for anyone, man or woman, to stay in an abusive relationship.

 

One thing you said concerned me:

 

[ We had plans to attend her friend's little post-hellday get together, and it has been a logistical nightmare trying to get that going with her little idiosyncracies and getting a 4 year old ready.]

 

A 4 year old? So I am going to guess that their is a child involved. Yours? Hers? Both? I pray that the child is not both of yours. It's best to cut all ties if possible to your g/f.

 

She just doesn't seem interested in keeping this relationship together. If she says you are controlling, gripes to her parents about your relationship, and hits you... you need to move on.

[Softmoonlight]

bud, the problem is that you freaked because you've been around her violence for how long now? 2 years? that's insane. you finally cracked.

 

if she has made you react in that manner, it's time for you to move on. you are soon to start her patterns of anger management...hitting people. is that what you want? i didn't think so! she obviously has anger management issues and has no personal responsibility for them.

 

think about if this woman would be a good wife, if she would be someone to raise your children, if she is giving your life the benefit it should. if the answer is no (and from your post it's clear she isn't)

 

RUN, don't walk away from this relationship.