pfbsurf Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 not sure. Not getting easier for some reason. Anyway, this is the day we were supposed to drive up to Vermont for the weekend for a wedding (her friend). I'm sort of obsessed with whether she is still going, and of course whether she is taking someone else. I'm also obsessed with her being with someone else sexually. We were very sexual together, and now, well, I am stuck on visualizing her with another guy and it makes me sad and sick. I KNOW this isn't right to feel this way. It may be natural, but it just focuses all my energy on my insecurities, her looks and need/desire for other men. For 10 months, she was the only one i was interested in, and for that same time, I was just one of many guys she was interested in. Whether she had sex or not is a different story, but i have very little doubt that she "hooked up" with possibly a couple, maybe a few guys over that time. I know this site is all about commitment and monogamy, but I"m really questioning the ability of people, women mainly and attractive woment in particular, to be able to be honest and monogamous. if her feelings were not as strong as mine, she could have let me know. If they were strong, she could have controlled herself. But the reality is that she liked me (not loved me), liked being around me, and didn't want to hurt me, all while she was keeping her options open and acting on impulse occasionally. Now its over and i am either processing all of this in a healthy way, (with some natural hurt feelings and loss of trust) or I am obsessing in an unhealthy way. The wedding weekend, i hope, will be the beginning of real healing and moving on. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 She wasn't as into you or as invested in the relationship as you were -- so no, her feelings and attraction levels weren't as high as yours. People usually don't come right out and say "I'm just not as into you", that's just human nature. But it sounds like her actions were sending this message loud and clear. This isn't a gender issue, this can exist in both men or women, attractive or not. Have patience with yourself, if it's only been 10 or 11 days of NC, you're only just beginning to heal. Link to comment
Man with Dog Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 Yes, it's very tough. At least you are seeing some of the reality of it. I think many of us do keep our options open until we are sure of someone but I don't think all women or all men are commitmentphobes or serial cheaters. You will get over it, tough as it seems. Good luck. Link to comment
Man with Dog Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 She wasn't as into you or as invested in the relationship as you were -- so no, her feelings and attraction levels weren't as high as yours. People usually don't come right out and say "I'm just not as into you", that's just human nature. But it sounds like her actions were sending this message loud and clear. This isn't a gender issue, this can exist in both men or women, attractive or not. Have patience with yourself, if it's only been 10 or 11 days of NC, you're only just beginning to heal. Yes, I've been on both sides of that one! Link to comment
pfbsurf Posted June 20, 2014 Author Share Posted June 20, 2014 Yes, I've been on both sides of that one! Well, I have too. in fact, during this whole time, i've had someone chasing me in a pretty sad way. I had to block her phone # after I repeatedly told her i was seeing someone. (AND, she was married!) And over the years since my divorce, i have been pretty good at staying detached or moving on from someone who was "into me". I understand desire and unrequited "love" - much easier to be on the other side So, as far as my insecurities, they are more about this last person, I hope. In the middle of the night, I really question my ability to keep someone interested and attracted. I just feel that if I truly start to like someone, they will move on... Link to comment
pfbsurf Posted June 20, 2014 Author Share Posted June 20, 2014 She wasn't as into you or as invested in the relationship as you were -- so no, her feelings and attraction levels weren't as high as yours. People usually don't come right out and say "I'm just not as into you", that's just human nature. But it sounds like her actions were sending this message loud and clear. This isn't a gender issue, this can exist in both men or women, attractive or not. Have patience with yourself, if it's only been 10 or 11 days of NC, you're only just beginning to heal. She did try and let me know along the way, and I did get it. But every time I tried to walk away and give her space, she would ask me to come back - she missed me, but of course, not enough. In hindsight, walking away at the first sign (and there were signs) of trouble would have been the best thing to do. On the other hand, the me of a few years ago would have stayed around longer and it would have been much harder I think. Pulling the plug when I did took some courage if I do say so myself. We had a couple weeks of hanging out already planned, a summer of casual fun stuff in front of us, and it would have worked at a certain level. If I had been able to really compartmentalize my feelings, and basically be "ok" with her flirting/hanging out (whatever?) w/other guys, then we'd still be chatting and seeing each other. That is not me, but this is what I'm stuck on. Am I so needy and insecure that I can't casually date someone who is not 100% into me? All the guys that she is really interested in are essentially unattainable to her (younger, players etc). I was safe and fun and comfortable (and we had chemistry). Once again, i'm just journaling here. Very helpful (and thanks for replies..) Link to comment
Man with Dog Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 I have to be honest and say that throughout my life I've always wanted to be with someone who was mutually 100% with me and I've never intentionally casually dated anyone with the idea that we weren't exclusive. Many younger people these days are quite happy to be with someone who isn't exclusive but that sort of relationship is not for you and me. I think you probably will find someone sometime who wants the same as you, maybe not straight away. Good luck. Link to comment
pfbsurf Posted June 20, 2014 Author Share Posted June 20, 2014 I hope so, although right now I just need to get my act together. Outwardly i'm highly functional, internally a mess... I am sort of convinced that i'll never really find someone that is compatible with me, that I'll only want to be with women that are ultimately unattainable. I cannot imagine what being in a long-term mutually respectful relationship is like. I've dated alot over the last 8 years since my divorce, this last go round wasn't even marriage material really for me, but i fell anyway. Just hoping my current broken heart and insecurity about the end is normal and how this stuff works, and that a month or two from now i will be back to my old fun self. This weekend. Not looking forward to it. Its beautiful out and all i want to do is drink a bottle of wine and wake up on Monday. No offense to anyone here, but I am looking forward to the day I stop coming to this site. it will mean i'm better... Link to comment
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