Need to stop beating myself up

[fed up]

OK, I an 45 years old and have made some serious mistakes. Maybe I am emotionally delayed, but I am having a tough time learning some much needed lessons here. Any input to help me stop my self-induced madness would be greatly appreciated. married 19 years and marriage was tumultuous, lots of loud fighting, some physical abuse, hurt over hurt over hurt. Two people who did love eachother (ex and I) but we brought baggage that was obviously tearing us apart. Numerous counselling attempts, a beautiful son. A frustrated husband and wife, growing further and further apart. Finally, at year 18 (just after Christmas, 2012) I declared my intent to separate. Couldn't stand the aloneness anymore and the bullying, in front of our 15 yr old son (he was starting to treat me like his dad...lack of respect, etc). So we lived like roommates, and I do believe he did not think I was serious. Enter future boyfriend - and huge mistake #1. We were having an emotional connection (we had met the year before, and he stayed in touch with me), This emotional connection goes on through Feb, March and becomes physical in April. "well-meaning" friends (mistake #2) support my indiscretion, they reassure me that I am separated, and with the happiness of having found my soulmate (mistake #3) I embark on a full fledged affair and make plans to physically exit marriage as soon as possible. The denial allows me to keep going, month after month, because I also have anxiety over the thought of breaking up my son's home by leaving. The pressure starts to mount inside me, and in June I confess to my (now ex) husband that I "like" someone else. threats of violence are made, I know he is deeply hurt. I deny any physical intimacy with other man because I know husb is capable of physical violence. I immediately start plans to leave home, but it still takes two months to execute the move. Boyfriend becomes fearful or retribution, but is there for me, lurking in the shadows. But still, I am happy to have chosen boyfriend because I feel I have found a second chance at love with a "gentle" man (mistake # 4).

I move out, BF is sorta there for me, but I start to see that he isn't all that available (I expected he would be much more available than what we were limited to before). I also start to discover he drinks a lot, doesn't like to work (he had lost his job the month before), and isn't true to all his promises of "oh, we'll do this together, and that together". However, he is there most of the time, paints my apartment, etc etc. A couple months pass. I notice he likes to flirt and cat-call other women on FB like e did to "lure" me, I bring this up, he flys into a rage. I become the bad guy. I break up with him over the phone. That was the first time. We get back together because I feel addicted to him, and because he also stays in contact. I have adjustment problems with my son at home, and with my new eyes for boyfriend and his flaky behaviour, and has bad vices, I am reluctant to be seen with him, I start to question what I have done. I tell him I need some time to figure things out...take things slow. he freaks out. Breaks up with me. This cycle of make-up break-up continues and has become our dynamic for the past 6 months. We were broken up for two months at the longest. I heard terrible things about him from an ex-girlfriend regarding alcohol, anger and lack of employment. These same patterns are apparent to me. But we try to patch it up, something keeps us going. Once again I confront the cat-calling and comments on FB and the solution is he blocks me and unfriends me. The relationship is rotten, I know that. Our most recent break up was over the fact that I still wont introduce him to my son, and I still "hide" him in my community. I understand his anger over this. But my retort is that as long as he displays disrespectful behaviour towards me, and is unwilling to show more of a commitment, then status quo is all I can do. Catch 22. So, I am determined to let this toxic relationship go. BUT I also have already hired him to do some work on my new house (I just recently moved to a bigger house which I purchased). The relationship with my son is healthy, I have a good amicable relationship with my ex-husband, and I am not prepared to introduce BF to anyone unless things change. So, is there any advice as to how to keep him (the BF) on a friendly basis (I think can do it - I have grown a lot emotionally these past two months). He will do the work for me for a very low, pre-agreed price, and I cannot afford more. Silly question, long story, but I am looking for advice on how to stay strong. Thank you

[mhowe]

Lose the bf and save until you can hire real carpenter.

He will not stick to the price...he will take 3x longer and he will still be in your life.

He isn't going to reform.

[fed up]

thank you mhowe. He was adamant he would take no money (he never did for previous jobs) however I insisted because I want to keep it professional. He has agreed to do a five hundred dollar job for 125, and it needs to be done asap. I am rationalizing again...aren't I...

[jjkk]

I know it's enticing to get things done at a bargain price but like mhowe said, he'll take a REALLY long time to get anything done, or maybe even get something halfway done and vanish. Either way, it'll suck! It's worth it to wait until you can afford to hire someone else.

 

There's no need to beat yourself up. We've all made mistakes, the important thing is that we learn and grow from them and don't make them again. I understand your feelings for this guy but I really don't believe things will ever get better with him. You'll be on and off again and this will continue as long as you allow it. Perhaps he seems better than your ex-husband but it still doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

 

I think cutting ties w/ him for good is the best thing you can do right now. I know it's scary and hard, especially since you've been in a relationship for most of your adult life but it's OK to be single for awhile and learn to live your life and work through your relationship stuff. Hugs to you and best wishes!

[fed up]

thank you so much for empathizing with how it feels. I really, really, really, thought he was the one. I have a strong background in psychology and I can see through the games he plays (like flirting with women, which raises insecurity in me, then I confront him with it, and he verbally chastises me and goes ballistic). I feed right into it, rather than writing him off. He is always stressed with life, because he dosnet pay his bills, was on probation for one year for harassing previous girlfriend, BLOCKS everyone who might expose his flaws on FB, hides from utility companies, is on court over a default mortgage which his mother was paying until she died four months ago, so he just decided he wouldn't pay, thinking he would inherit the house, but the executor wants the house so he is up s creek. Asked me to co-sign. I said No.. His sister bails him out on everything. He thought I would also baby him. But no way. He is 47 years old and always has cigarette, beer and gas money. Blatantly asks me for eight hundred dollars to but new tires for truck his sister gave him. I said no. Calls me Jew, then says he is only kidding! So this is why I beat myself up, for staying with this nut. LOL Tat makes me a nut too, I know.

[jjkk]

Well fedup, I'm 40 years old and have made some serious mistakes, too. You definitely aren't alone! Don't beat yourself up over it. I've had to chalk up so much of my stupidity to learning experiences, making sure I don't repeat the same thing, and it's led me to become an extremely compassionate person. Good things can come from these learning experiences. Hugs to you! If you ever want to PM me, feel free!

[fed up]

would love to PM you....how does one do that

[mhowe]

You have to post more before the option shows up....your thread and others.

[fed up]

thank you

[catfeeder]

You're paying too high a price to keep this guy in your life. You're wasting your analysis on him when you should be applying it to yourself. You're aware of your bad decisions but defend continuing to make them, and you can continue to do that if you want, but you're the one digging yourself into a deeper hole.

 

Drop the loser BF and put your eyes back on your own paper--and do the work you're distracting yourself from doing.

[fed up]

good advice catfeeder...that's the kind of kick in the ass I need. need to get him out of my head, he is entrenched in there like a tick.

[catfeeder]

good advice catfeeder...that's the kind of kick in the ass I need. need to get him out of my head, he is entrenched in there like a tick.

 

You're likely keeping such a strong focus on him because by beating yourself up you haven't offered yourself a very attractive alternative to letting him go. You're looking at the fantasy you've built 'around' him as preferable to allowing yourself to embrace the disillusionment of his limitations, the natural discomfort of the unknown, and your natural and necessary but ~temporary~ need to grieve your marriage and the Self you've squelched during the course of that time.

 

Consider changing the voice you run in your head from critical and limiting to supportive and encouraging. Over time you can grow into your own potential to build a happy fulfilling life for yourself while enhancing your long range future relationship with your son.

 

You're well aware that people who leapfrog from one relationship to another are addressing an artificial 'need' that is short range and won't stand up to the larger need for self actualization and satisfaction. It's just bad judgment based on fear, and it keeps your vision small and contained to focusing on someone else's problems.

 

So work with a professional to address your fears and learn new skills. Make it a goal to surprise everyone, including your Self, with your untapped resiliency and ability to build a solid emotional foundation for becoming good relationship material in the future. You won't need to beat yourself up for lousy choices, because you'll have gained the vision and the optimism that won't allow you to cave to the next loser who's willing to speak fantasy language to you again.

 

Head high, and make room for self acceptance, growth and kindness. If you start there, you'll make friends with the part of yourself that's frightened but waiting to blossom and run with the ball. Give that encouragement to your Self, and watch what happens.

[fed up]

thanks so much. was thinking along those lines while cycling home from work today. time to hold the mirror to myself, maybe sit down with a counsellor, find out why I am vulnerable to this type of man (or perhaps something broken in me seeks them out)...forgive myself, love myself. he is not all good, nor all bad, I do believe we both really tried, but the negativity was becoming too much and his reluctance to address my concerns - to shame me into having questions and verbally yell at me and break up with me when I dared VERBALIZE my concerns...ugh...no thank you. I will take the good memories with me and learn from the pain. Such a tough combination, but yes, time to delve into those buried stores of resiliency. Hugs

[catfeeder]

time to hold the mirror to myself, maybe sit down with a counsellor, find out why I am vulnerable to this type of man (or perhaps something broken in me seeks them out)...forgive myself, love myself.

 

Bravo on this. One thing that relieved some pressure from my cooker was to switch my view of any old wounds I might discover as temporary injuries that I can heal rather than assign them as permanent damage.

 

We all have some scrapes and bruises and emotional scars to heal. When we can view ourselves as healing wounds rather than as somehow defective, we become more open to recognizing the stuff that has become our blinders and barriers--which allows us the freedom to address them as we see fit. This is how we grow more confident as we stop squelching ourselves and building more fear.

 

Your decision today to start loving your Self is pivotal, and you're likely to always remember your ride today.

 

Head high, and cheers to you!

[fed up]

I must mention more about "him"...when he contacted me 14 months ago he said he needed me to "save" him. he wanted to get healthy, lose weight, stop smoking. I guess he was drawn to my extreme physical fitness, my optimism, my determination and energy (which everyone tells me I have great energy).

 

I never once tried to change him, and accepted his smoking, his days of seclusion when I knew he was drinking and not going to work. his negativity and putting me down started to become more frequent. Small attacks on me were disguised as "jokes" and I'm "too sensitive" (Yes, I am). We loved eachother A LOT...but both have wounds. I guess I needed to be saved by him too...to be accepted and loved with my flaws.

 

Anyway, one thing he has always told me - and I know he cherishes - is that I have a great heart Yes, I feel sadness for the loss, but I also feel my eternal optimism rising again.

 

You are a very wise soul - your words are like medicine for me right now. Thank you. I am going to look at your story.