I thought it was okay, but I guess it isn't...HELP

[akrngrl]

So I've been with this guy he's great/was great. We got along, wanted the same things and clicked instantly. Things happened pretty quickly, but it felt right so I went with it. The only issue is that I'm moving 1500 miles away for a job. I was hired for the position the day before I met him and I told him about on the second or so date because I knew he was someone I cared about. He was extremely upset, but said he was on board.

 

Since then I've done everything in my power to try and find a job where I live currently (mostly for him because I never had an issue with moving, but I'm not foolish enough to pass up my one employment opportunity that I've been offered in my field over a guy). Also because I'm not even sure if I'll have the financial means to move in basically a month and half. It's honestly caused me a lot of stress and anxiety, but I've still been trying.

 

No place I've applied has responded yet and I need to be moved in around the first week of August if I leave. He's brought it up a few times (all involving tears and how he's scared and doesn't want to lose me and is afraid I won't come back/we'll get a place together here and let's start looking), but mostly I drag it out of him because he says everything is okay. He has two semesters of school left which (I'm assuming) is the reason why he can't just move with me. I wanted to make it work, I want to make it work. I want to be with him (it can't be at the expense of a career, but I'm still willing to put 100% into our relationship even if it is long distance). I explicitly told him I want him to be apart of my life so there should be NO questioning on his part about my intentions.

 

Yesterday, out of no where we have this huge discussion via text message because he was working about how he "can't do it". He can't handle me not being home and he needs to be able to see me and all the other physical things that come with a relationship. He can't wonder if I'm coming back home in a year, he doesn't know where he'll be in a year or if he'll want to move etc, etc. He also said I was giving him an ultimatum of "If you want to be with me you have to move" which he didn't take very kindly too, but had nothing to say when I said that he was doing the same thing to me, but I had to stay. I took the high road trying to call him and trying to talk to him, I even asked to get together when he got off work (which he ignored because he was "angry") and all he did was repeat that he can't deal with me being gone.

 

There was a lot of him not saying anything and beating around the bush and I'm not going to be the girl that can't read between the lines or take the hint that he doesn't want to be with me, so I asked him if we were still together flat out or if we were over and he said "we're still together". I sent him a huge heartfelt text which he read but never responded too and then I initiated conversation today and of course it being father's day, he may have to go see his father after work, so I have to wait to see if he can get together with me.

 

I don't know if I'm being overly available (my usual go to is to ignore the person and not initiate contact, basically, make them do all the work, but that seems extremely childish lately). He's also completely changed his attitude towards me I feel like since just yesterday, he's very short and there are no more endearing texts. This is someone who has claimed to be SO in love with me, we go out on dates, we have fun, we were both looking for that "one" person and didn't see the need to aimlessly date if we weren't serious about someone. So this just all kind of comes as a shock to me. Like I gave you multiple times to decide if you didn't want to be in this relationship and each time was met with "I want to be with you" and now I feel like when I trust him completely, he decides he might not want to anymore.

 

I get that it's something big, but it upsets me that I brought it up numerous times and he was always "on board". Whenever he'd be upset over it, we'd talk it out briefly and he'd be all "I understand, it's okay, it's just going to suck."

 

I feel like if he loved me nearly as much as he said he did, this wouldn't be an issue. I was in a similar situation with someone else who was leaving and I was basically ready to go anywhere for him. So to me it just feels as though he's not as serious about it as he thought/made it seem. I can't stand that people lie to your face about their feelings.

 

I don't know if I should continue to try to work it out with him today or whenever he can get together or if that will just make me look pathetic and I should just walk away with my head held high. Where do you draw the line with someone you care so much about?

[Iggles]

He's acting like a big baby. You told him about the job on date 2!

 

If you move, it'll be the first week of August. A lot could happen between now and then. But honestly, I don't think he's right for you. He's being immature, in tears, and emotionally manipulative towards you while you're weighing a life changing job offer. So what if you're gone for a year? If you two are meant to be together, when he's done with school he can move. If he's not willing to consider that possibly, than you know all you need to know.

[akrngrl]

@ Iggles: THANK YOU! I felt like I was being selfish. I know it's a big undertaking and I know it's easier to stay where you've been your whole life, but if what I need isn't here career wise, I can't stay. Also it still isn't a DEFINITE that I'm moving and him worrying about a year from now when I may/may not come home or he may or may not move seems pointless to me; get through day by day. I operate under "It'll work if it's meant to be". Sure it'll be great for him if I stay home, but if we break up, he gets to back about his life and I end up back at square one knowing I passed up a job opportunity and a chance to start my life. He swears that that's not how he is and he's in it for the long haul basically, but his actions since yesterday evening are proving otherwise. Thank you again! I feel like it's a situation where for the first time ever, I need to put myself first.

[nutbrownhare]

You are NOT being selfish!!!

 

You are acting like an adult and taking your work and career seriously. He's acting like a spoilt little boy; he knew what the score was in the very early days, but the way he's been behaving recently is telling you very clearly that this is someone who doesn't have the maturity to handle any kind of relationship. You shouldn't be staying with a guy like this, who sulks and pouts when he doesn't get his own way, even if you weren't moving away. If he can manipulate you into changing your plans by behaving like this, you'll find you face a constant diet of crazy-making passive aggression.

 

Don't even contemplate changing your life to suit him.

 

If he's telling you he won't be able to handle a long-distance relationship (and, in reality, some people can't) then accept this graciously and move on. You don't say how long you two have been together, but I'm guessing this is a very new relationship, that you've been living in the rosy glow of the honeymoon period so far - and you're just beginning to see what he's really like.

[akrngrl]

@nutbrownhare: Thank you! Up until yesterday I was wavering because no one is on board with my move (family and friends included) and have done nothing but badger me about having the money to get there/get established. So in the back of my mind I was thinking "Well he's excellent and if I DON'T move, there won't be a financial issue and I AM familiar with my surroundings where I am so that'd be a plus", but after his actions lately I feel like that's pushing me to leave for sure.

[ParisPaulette]

You need to walk away. He and you both understood what was going to happen and he's throwing a tantrum to try and make you stay, because it's what he wants. I see nothing in his actions or words sympathizing with or showing the understanding that you can't find work locally and that this was how it was going to be all along. Just him trying to guilt you into staying, which shows a level of selfishness and immaturity that I think you should pay very close attention to.

 

The fact is right now the job market IS tough. Many places are not hiring and if you have a good-paying job and they've offered you an opportunity then you would be foolish not to take it. You need to focus on the move, not on him. My second to oldest son faced something similar when his company was moving to a new state. He was going, they had offered him more money, then he met a girl. They had a few dates, it was a bit of a whirlwind and then suddenly she was pitching a tantrum every single day for him to stay and not go with his company. He did look for work locally like you, but couldn't find anything that offered even 1/10th the benefits he got with the company he was with. I told him then what I'll tell you now.

 

Take the job. You need money to survive and if it's a relationship that is meant to last it will last in spite of the distance. And since you're moving to a place of more opportunity if it really turns out to be a good thing there is nothing stopping her from moving there to be with you. But if things don't work out and you are jobless and your relationship tanks you will forever hate her and resent and regret that you did not take the job. Do you want that? No, so go with the job first. She and you both knew this going into your relationship and now you both need to deal with that like grownups. Plenty of people around the world do LDRs for a time before they get together again, so yes it can be done.

 

So he went and she broke things off with him. Good thing too, because after he had moved his best friend called and told him she'd been cheating on him the entire time they were together. So no, I'm sorry no, you don't pass up life opportunities for another person. And especially not someone who can't be a willing partner to work things out with you. Tell him you are going and if he wants to work it out he can or if he doesn't then you wish him well and you go. Always take note of those who would basically emotionally blackmail and guilt you to get their way.

 

I'm sorry, but this guy is acting like a two-year-old child instead of a man. Is that who you want to be jobless over?

[akrngrl]

@ParisPaulette: Thank you so much, this is incredible advice. I've thought so much about what would happen if I gave up a job to stay here with him and it didn't work out. He cannot guarantee that not happening, so I do need to leave if it's what is financially best. I always told him if I DID get offered a job here I would more than likely stay (higher pay and less legwork/money than to get to the middle of the country), but he just doesn't seem to see reason.

 

I need/want someone who wants to be with me whether I'm five feet away or 5,000 miles.

 

The best is when I made a comment about him guilting me into staying, he laughed and was all "GUILT you?! I would think you'd WANT to stay if I was here". I was too nice to say it, but I can see a guilt trip from a mile away.

 

That's what I am going to do. I am going to lay it on the table for him, he needs to want to be with me whether or not I'm staying and if he chooses to be single and I DO end up getting a job and staying home? Oh well, his loss. I'm still young, but I feel like I'm too old for these games haha.

 

I'm so glad that everything worked out for your son and he followed your advice!