Day 4 NC

[pfbsurf]

Ugh... just journaling i think. Although i have lots of questions.

 

First, my prior posts show some of the problems of the relationship - only 10 months, but for me pretty intense, and according to her, very important, but obviously not as intense.

 

in the end, she was texting another guy, most likely hooked up with him, and lied to me about it. I never confronted her about it, but did imply that I knew and told her i just couldn't trust her. I broke it off over the phone Sunday night.

 

I know this is the right decision. But its been very tough the last few days. She didn't really put up a fight over the phone, accepted it and then sent me a very impersonal "you''re awesome I'll miss you" text. She called me a "class act" and a "real individual" (?) Sounds like a lifetime acheivement award. I just texted back "goodbye" and then the next night "i'll miss you too". Thats it.

 

Sigh.

 

Right now i'm sort of obsessed with her moving on, and also the fact that she lied and was casually hooking up (with a guy 15 years younger). I am taking all this personally. My mind just takes over when i try to sort it out (she wasn't good for me, she lied, we were never going to be together forever anyway etc. None of it matters, my heart is still with her.)

 

Whenever I think of the reasons i didn't really like her - she was shallow and materialistic, she lied, and was manipulative with me, etc, i come up with memories of how affectionate she could be, or the occasional very nice things she'd say to me... She wasnt a bi*** per se, she could actually be sweet and i definitely melted her icy heart at points. She truly liked being with me.

 

Its been 8 years since my divorce, she is really the only girl i've fallen for (one other, but she was 20 years younger and that was just infatuation really). I have casually dated A LOT, have been with a lot of women, and never came close to giving my heart away. I have spent lots of time with kids and friends, and on my hobbies and self improvement. I have been working on being happy alone, but the truth is i like, love, having someone in my life, even if it is someone who is not completely into me.

 

I have been reading about attachment issues, love addiction (and other addictions). I just don't know if i'm flawed, and need to have someone in my life.

 

I want to be strong and independent - that is attractive and also just a great way to go through life. But i feel so needy and weak.

 

I keep thinking I overreacted, that i should have just chalked her lies and cheating up to her flawed personality, not my inability to make her love me. I keep thinking I could have let her do her thing, I could do mine (dating others) and that we could just hang out casually. Did I overreact? (she also posted a pic with her, a friend, and two guy "friends" at a party, the night before i broke up with her. The guy friend she was on FB with was someone else she most likely hooked up with recently (and lied about). Why do I feel like this is ok and i should have just put up with it? She is very pretty and charming and sexy. We had fun together. But she just didn't respect me enough. Somehow I am ok with that? CRAZY

 

 

Ugh

[Man with Dog]

She lied and lied about something big. Even if they never hooked up, it's pretty much a dealbreaker in my opinion. Yes, it's hard but it could never be the same again even if you did get back together. The fact that she didn't resist meant that she had moved on, at least in her mind.

 

Maybe she sensed that you weren't as intense as she was or that a million things seemed (to you) as your fault. The truth is that it was probably going to be inevitable sooner or later.

 

Breaking up is hard, VERY hard and there's no real easy way to get over it.

 

I wish you luck, courage and patience.

[pfbsurf]

She lied and lied about something big. Even if they never hooked up, it's pretty much a dealbreaker in my opinion. Yes, it's hard but it could never be the same again even if you did get back together. The fact that she didn't resist meant that she had moved on, at least in her mind.

 

Maybe she sensed that you weren't as intense as she was or that a million things seemed (to you) as your fault. The truth is that it was probably going to be inevitable sooner or later.

 

Breaking up is hard, VERY hard and there's no real easy way to get over it.

 

I wish you luck, courage and patience.

 

Thanks MWD.

 

I hope I am just in the overanalysis stage - a bit of a vice of mine anyway, but I can't help wonder if this is the sort of behavior that i"ve just come to expect. My divorce was due to my ex cheating as well, lying to my face over and over and my buying it 100%, until I found out the hard way. Very discouraging, either all relationships are messed up or i am messed up, and go for women like that.

 

But yes- in so many ways it just wasn't going to work out.

 

Courage and patience. i will try.