break up due to money issues and depression

[Rihanna]

Hello everyone!

 

First of all I really appreciate all the advice I can get cos my situation seems bit complicated. I was in a loving relationship with my ex and we had plans for our future and everything was going fine. Then, he injured his shoulder really badly that he needs surgery and he's on the waiting list for that because he doesn't have health insurance and we're both financially struggling. When doctors told him he couldn't work anymore for at least 6 months after his surgery he became depressed cos he can no longer sustain a relationship and he has no income (due to injury) and no savings (he spent his money, what little he had on rent and food), and he's old school he won't accept financial help from a woman (weird I know) and i'm a student anyway. So first thing he does, he buys me a plane ticket, takes me to the airport, gives me some $ (not much but he insisted I'd take it, though I shouldn't have cos he obviously needs it more than me) and sends me back to my parents cos he can no longer support me and we hugged cried in the airport and i left. Since I've been here (at my parents) he sent me one message saying 'I'm out, I can't be with anyone anymore, my future is over!' then, he called me a week later to ask me what I want to do with the stuff I left behind (cos I left abruptly) and hasn't answered any of my texts or phone calls. For the first few weeks, I bombarded his brother with texts to ask about him and his brother said he's still in the same situation, angry and depressed then he started to ignore my texts as well. Also, my ex lost his job (self employed) cos he can't work due to his shoulder impingement so basically, he has NOTHING to support himself anymore and he's on benefits for now (I think). I love him and I know he loved me (and probably still does, who knows), we had a future planned that we should do life bit differently and get work in the workplace instead of relying on self-employment and miss out on benefits like sick days, and compensation and super etc... But we didn't even get the chance to begin doing life properly before all of this happened and I'm very saddened that it's taken us apart from each other. The last time I tried to contact him was 22 May and I'm doing NC (no contact) til beginning July to send him a first text 'something reminds me of you' (advice I received from another site, "How to get your ex back permanently"- with Kevin). I want to know whether he's even thinking about me? or he's lost hope in 'us' cos he has no money? will he come back? will things be ok again? Will he answer my first message after NC? will he come visit me one day? He said we'll see each other again at the airport before I left but then he went cold and disappeared... What shall I do?

[sharky988]

Whether he's breaking up with you because of his injury and depression and financial situation.....

 

.... or because he met someone else or doesn't want to commit or just isn't that into you anymore....

 

... the REASON doesn't matter, because the end result is the same. He's broken up with you.

 

Right now, your ONLY job is to respect his decision. You don't have to agree with it, but you do have to try to accept it. IF he changes his mind, he'll let you know. But until that happens, you need to work on healing from the pain of the breakup and moving on with your life.

 

Is it your job to do all the work to fix things between you? No.

 

Is it your job to figure out what's going on in his head and why? No.

 

Is it your job to fix his life circumstances? No.

 

Your ONLY job is to take care of yourself.... and trying to figure out how to plot and get back together with someone who's broken up with you is NOT in your best interests. Those "how to get your ex back" programs are junk.

 

This is YOUR life and you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you. Simple as that.

 

Leave him be. Give yourself -- and him -- some time without contact so you can both calm down and get more perspective. Let him go through whatever he needs to go through right now -- and YOU need to give yourself permission to process and heal from this breakup as well.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

[RedDress]

Here's the part I don't understand...

 

If you were living in another city with your ex, and you were a student, what was your original plan to support yourself? I mean... he can buy you a plane ticket all he wants but you can just say 'no' and find yourself some other accommodation. I don't understand why you would even accept that (and cash to boot!). He was returning you because he couldn't afford you anymore.

 

Relationships don't take money. The loss of income or a job doesn't mean that you can't sustain a relationship. It does mean that you can't support someone else financially and that maybe you need the other person to pick up the slack and contribute their fair share (or even support him for a bit)...

 

Personally, I would have stayed and fought for the relationship by getting a job (or at least determined by own destiny).

 

I don't think he was as "ok" with supporting you as you thought he was. Choosing to end the relationship over eating your pride for a few months and letting someone else support you isn't a 'normal' reaction. Love should have trumped pride. The fact that it didn't... and you allowed that to happen... kind of tells a different story, IMO.

[Rihanna]

I had just lost my job too but it's not hard to get myself another... your message is very inspiring to me cos I've been thinking lots about moving back and saying 'I won't leave you like this'... do you think it's a good idea to go back? what you said is true, tell me what I should do to fix my mistake of accepting my plane ticket... I was going through a tough time myself as well... I feel so sick all the time! what should I do?

[Rihanna]

And btw, he made me quit my work because it was too close to my other ex's home ... I can't stop thinking about how awful I am!

[RedDress]

... do you think it's a good idea to go back?

 

Well... don't you have other things to go back for? Is school even finished this semester? Are you registered for next semester? What will you do if you don't go back? Go to school where you are now? Wouldn't you have to apply? When is the application deadline?

 

In all honesty, I think the relationship is over. For him to have sent you back is a pretty drastic measure. And really... if I paid to send someone away (when I didn't have the money) and then they came back on their own dime... yanno... that would upset me too.

 

I think this ship has sailed. It's gone. I think that the only thing that you can really do is work on your own independance (financially and otherwise) so that you may make your own decisions and take control of your own destiny.

[bulletproof]

And btw, he made me quit my work because it was too close to my other ex's home ... I can't stop thinking about how awful I am!

 

This is a little bit crazy. Why can't you work close to someone's home?

Your situation isn't that complicated. He broke up with you with a weak explanation. If I were you, I'd move on from this.

[sharky988]

Sweetie, it's NEVER a good idea to "fight" for a relationship with someone who's broken up with you. Your job is to ACCEPT. Make that your goal. It's pointless and self-defeating to pursue someone who's given you a firm "no."

 

You'll be okay!

 

And btw, he made me quit my work because it was too close to my other ex's home ... I can't stop thinking about how awful I am!

 

Is this the 1950's? He MADE you quit your job? I don't think so.... Was he your boyfriend or your dad?

[Rihanna]

You guys are hilarious! yes, do laugh at my pain... I've had a pretty traumatic life and always been so afraid of the world that I'm only now just beginning to come out of my shell... so I admit that I've never been completely independent and now that I'm single again, I have to learn how the world works from scratch! I can either suicide or learn to be independent bit by bit until I master in it... Pls don't judge unless you know what others have gone through and the way ppl have lived (and no I'm not rich, faaaaaaaaaaar from it)... But ok I get it, I have to accept this person is out of my life, I'm beautiful well educated and can make it on my own! until then, I think I should remain single and only be in a relationship when I'm independent! do I have that right?

[bulletproof]

But ok I get it, I have to accept this person is out of my life, I'm beautiful well educated and can make it on my own! until then, I think I should remain single and only be in a relationship when I'm independent! do I have that right?

 

More or less, yes. Just know that when a guy is telling you that you have to quit your job for an insane reason, it's probably not a healthy relationship.

[Rihanna]

Hey, I just deleted all the messages between me and my ex and I regret it a little it was a moment where I was 100% sure ready to remove him from my life cos though there are feelings between us the relationship is illogical. He has no secured job, no money, no home hence, no future. Am I right? then I starting to think about the future plan we had together but he’s not even communicating with me so why am I even thinking about plans with him still? Sometimes I wonder what’s the difference between love and lust? did I ‘love’ him, or was the idea of him and ‘us’ me being a poet and him an artist too romantic to pass up even if it lasted a while but in the end it did last. The enotalone people were right with one thing, it doesn’t matt?er if he’s sick, or depressed, or I’m away or sick, or whatever the reason behind the break up, the break up did happen and we both gave in to it too easily. So where’s that deep connection, can’t live without you love we talked about during our relationship? On the other hand, my previous ex has been chasing me, he’s changed his looks cos he let himself go during our relationship and I’m missing him don’t know why, maybe loneliness? Though I felt loneliest with him! Anyway, looks like I’m so confused if I were reading this message randomly I’d say “Stop being selfish and get a life!” I feel guilty, emotional and selfish. I want to move back to the city but I’m afraid that every wonderful memory of me and my ex would haunt me everywhere! We went from Bliss (big time!) throughout the entire 10 month relationship to see you later we can’t be together… I’m very confused and really don’t know what to do next! I’m changing everything about my life against my will in order to move on…

[sharky988]

Don't do anything else like permanently deleting communications right now... it's too soon and only going to cause you pain. Any mementos you have, pack them away but don't dispose of them yet. You can deal with that kind of stuff later, when you're stronger.

 

If you haven't already, the best move is to go ahead and BLOCK HIM from your phone and any online sites or apps you use. That's the most important thing you can do right now for your healing -- more important than deleting messages is keeping him from contacting you with breadcrumbs.

 

No Contact + Time....... that's what's going to heal you most right now!

 

Try and make plans to see friends and spend extra time with loved ones during the next few weeks. Keep yourself busy doing things that feed your soul. Take on a new exercise program and really throw yourself into it -- that's going to do more for emotional wellbeing than anything else!

[Rihanna]

Don't do anything else like permanently deleting communications right now... it's too soon and only going to cause you pain. Any mementos you have, pack them away but don't dispose of them yet. You can deal with that kind of stuff later, when you're stronger.

 

If you haven't already, the best move is to go ahead and BLOCK HIM from your phone and any online sites or apps you use. That's the most important thing you can do right now for your healing --

 

How is it difficult to delete his messages (and it is very painful) but it's ok to BLOCK HIM? isn't that more painful? and why block him he doesn't even bother to text and call to see how I'm doing? he's always told me he loves me even he sent me a message just after I left him saying 'I love you' but his excuse for not communicating with me anymore is that he doesn't want to hurt me cos he has no future (he's lost hope obviously hence the depression). So, now I'm thinking did he really love me? I mean, he was in sooooo much pain (suicidal pain) and he took me on a get away tried to keep his hurt from me just to make me happy and I really tried to help him but there's nothing I could do unless I was a surgeon (sadly i'm not). His pain was making him vicious and angry at everyone and he didn't want to show that anger at me, cos he's usually the nicest guy you just couldn't love him (when he's not in that much pain). So, I have a feeling because he kept saying 'I don't want to lose you' and 'I love you' and we had future planned then all this CRAP happened out of nowhere! do you think he'll consider messaging me sometime? otherwise, why did he agree to keep my stuff at his before I left town and they're still there (I hope!)... any advice? thanks heaps

[sharky988]

Blocking him protects you from any fresh new incoming pain that comes from him contacting you.

 

If he has something IMPORTANT to say, he'll do the work to tell you around any blocks. But putting blocks in place puts an end to convenient, mindless reaching out -- which ultimately sets back your healing and causes you unnecessary suffering. But I'm just stating the obvious here -- I think you already knew all that.

 

If he reaches out with a "hey how you doing" text.... what does that do for you? Does it help you get over this breakup -- or does it give you false hopes and set you back?

 

The ONLY message you want to hear is "I made a huge mistake and want to get back together".... and if he wants to tell you that, being blocked on Instagram (or wherever) isn't going to stop him from saying it.

 

NOT blocking him puts you in the position of waiting for him to contact you.... waiting and hoping..... this prolongs your suffering and delays your healing.

 

Here's a guide that will help you understand how NC can help you: link removed

 

As for your HOPING he messages you sometime.... that's normal at this stage of the breakup. But understand that if he truly WANTED to be with you, he'd be with you.

 

There's no magical force preventing him from being your boyfriend. If he WANTED to work through whatever issues exist in his life right now and stay together.... he would have.

[Rihanna]

"if he truly WANTED to be with you, he'd be with you."

 

so you're saying that it's NOT the circumstances financial and otherwise that's preventing him from being with me, he's just not into me anymore? then, why the talk about marriage and kids and family and future only just before his injury? I know that he LOVED me because he's done soooo much to help me in my time of need. It's sad that I couldn't do anything for him because his pain is medical. Plus before I left he gave me some of his work to show my family so they don't think he's a loser lol... why would he care to do that at all? Please kick some sense into me if I'm not making sense. What if he does contact me after he's healed and everything? and what if it's too late by then? doctors say it'll take at least 6 months to heal and not sure he's had surgery yet cos he's on the waiting list. And btw, I'm not sitting around doing nothing, I've done so much to make me move on... I'm overall happy but only disappointed at failing everything even love. My ex husband on the other hand keeps calling me wanting me back, he's so sorry and blah blah but because i actually answer his calls cos most calls are business first then the lovey dovey talk (his side), I'm finding myself missing him as well... is it because of loneliness? These two are the only relationships i've ever been in although my marriage wasn't consummated (no sex) and no connection ... I don't want to do something that I'll regret even more later... please help

[sharky988]

I'm saying it doesn't matter WHY he broke up with you..... all that matters is that he DID break up with you.

 

As far as all the talk of marriage and kids, I think if you took a poll of every person posting here in this section, you'd find that pretty muchc every single one of their exes had made similar plans of a future together. It's just one of the things people do when they're in love, sweetie. Every serious boyfriend I've ever had has done the same.

 

I think right now you need to give yourself some space to decompress. Spend time with your girlfriends and family members -- stay away from exes and other single guys right now. I would avoid communicating with your ex-H right now as it sounds like you might be drawn to him on the rebound.

[bulletproof]

My guess is that if this guy made you quit a job because it was near an ex's house, there were other unhealthy things going on in this relationship. What else did he tell you that you "couldn't" do? And that "can't-live-without-you-love" is great as a plot for a movie, but in real life it's codependence. It sounds like you really need to be on your own for a while, because you're letting your loneliness get the best of you right now.

[Rihanna]

Btw my ex didn't 'force' me or tell me 'couldn't' work too close to my ex husband but because ex h was very mad at me moving on and my work was just opposite his house he suggested I'd stay away and I agreed... hence why I quit the job, I didn't want to cause chaos at my workplace... but my ex didn't 'tell' me I couldn't he suggested and said up to you and at the time it was the right decision ...

[bulletproof]

Btw my ex didn't 'force' me or tell me 'couldn't' work too close to my ex husband but because ex h was very mad at me moving on and my work was just opposite his house he suggested I'd stay away and I agreed... hence why I quit the job, I didn't want to cause chaos at my workplace... but my ex didn't 'tell' me I couldn't he suggested and said up to you and at the time it was the right decision ...

 

You said "And btw, he made me quit my work because it was too close to my other ex's home." That is the opposite of what you're saying now. So think about whether you are now saying something different to justify getting back together with him, or if you have a habit of lying in general.