Toxic Friend or Not?

[Deeplydepressed]

I finally confided in one of my friends that I thougt was my best friend. As some fo you know I suffer from depression and I realize I have done some things out of my normal chracter. I had written her a email and this is the email she had to send me to back. It just made me feel horrible inside. I'm already in a very bad place emtionally and this really did not help. I feel if I cannot keep friends I am a failure period. Here is what she wrote me:

 

You sound like someone I don't know anymore. Why is it that when we don't see each other in person you seem to go wild. I don't hear from you for two months and all of a sudden you blurt out all this crazy stuff that's been happening. Your making out with your friends friend when you get drunk, and you get RAPED!!! by a "friend" who you spend the night with? Am I hearing this right?

You have never been able to handle alcohol as we all know, but you persist to down it, which is fine in moderation when your with friends...not friends' friends And as for "so called guy friends, I haven't known you to have any in the past, unless this is someone you recently met among your " ton of friends". Start thinking before you do ANYTHING! And stop drinking. God damn it. You are not the kind of person who is safe loosing ANY control over her senses. You need all the sense you can get. Stop numbing yourself. You seem to be wanting to escape, but your doing it in all the dangerous ways.

 

I was fine with her writing that beause I understand that for me this is a problem. If she would have left it at that I would feel fine because I am trying hard and I am seeking therapy for myself.

 

 

I am just baffled as to how you are living. when you write me you sound like a rebelling school girl. I feel so hurt that after all this has happened to you, you act as if I'm some acquaintance from another life who you only need to mention it to in passing. What the hell. You have this way of making me feel so replaceable. And then you have this terrible experience and you send a letter about it to your friend...I'm amazed you can forget me so easily.

 

This part I cannot understand because I have always invited her everywhere and have always been there for her when she made a mistake or was using drugs, but now when I try to talk she judges me.

 

 

Then you say you didn't want to tell me because you don't want to bring me down? What? Are you kidding. Everything you ever say about your life is negative. Or else it's just about how your exploring selfish religions like "the goddess religion" and Buddhism. You don't need to be thinking of yourself anymore than you already are. A religion that is based on improving yourself and is focused on the self rather than god is not healthy. Buddhism has some great philosophies to live by which are pretty much the same as Christianity. But if you do your research you may find that Buddha himself, before he died, said that he is only a prophet and not to worship him, and that another will come after him that is the true God. He then prophesized the coming of Christ. The exact time of his birth. What is now Buddhism was made by people who deemed Buddha a God. But Buddha himself denied it. The same with the Goddess religion. This is a completely Pagan man made farce.

 

Don't you want to go to the roots and find the truth? Not just something that sounds like it would be fun, or cool.

 

This part was completely hurtful and because once before she had told one of her friends I was simple and this added more pain to my hurt.

 

I love you. And I have always worried about you. But you continually make bad decisions in regards to your well being and mental health. So now you are going to counseling so they can analyze your behavior and your feelings and tell you why you do the things you do and feel so sad all the time. Do you want them to give you some kind of justification for your irresponsible behavior? Or to find blame among the people around you? Stand back and judge YOURSELF. Look at the things you do and think. Stop pushing your emotions inside and covering them up with drinking, sex and other forms of self destruction.

 

Drinking brings out the truth in people, and it seems like you have a craving for the male affections, as girls our age do. But when you know that you are going to crave sex when you drink, maybe try to be responsible and not drink with guys, especially alone with guys. You will only end up hurting yourself and others. The majority of men these days are not respectable, especially when a beautiful, sexy girl is in their bed.

 

People use alcohol as an excuse to do stupid things. But there is always a point of self awareness. I don't loose control when I'm even completely drunk because of this self awareness. And if you really don't have this when your kissing your friends friend, you've got to work on being aware of who you are and what your morals really are. To stay strong in the present world, one has to truly believe in their morals and stick to them.

 

I'm telling you now that I can not be friends with you anymore. You continually break my heart and I can't keep telling you my opinion about your life while you just do what you want anyway. You don't seem to want to REALLY help yourself. Your behavior seems to be a way of self destruction. Your drowning and everyone is trying to save you, but in doing so, you keep pushing them under. It's this cycle I can't continue. I feel myself growing, but throughout all these years you seem to be in the same state. And now that you are old enough to do what you want and not listen to your mom...your making all these wrong turns. You've been self destructive since I met you in Jr. High. and it's continued ever since whether it be from your way of thinking to what you do to yourself. You seem to always need someone to give you answers and hold your hand and make sure you don't do anything crazy. But I can't be your chaperone any more. You have to form your own conscience.

 

All my life I have considered you my best friend. There was no one I could ever feel the same about. Even when you brought me down with your moods or actions, I still wanted to be your friend. And I thought you had the same kind of affection for me; but over the years I realize you only take from this relationship in the long run, and only ask for more. And when I'm out of the picture, you run and attach yourself to other friends and forget about me. Didn't you think that I might need you now? I'm completely alone in a foreign country. I have a picture of us hanging on my wall here. I've thought about you every day...

 

but now I'm going to have to try to forget you...

 

I will say goodbye to you now. Don't bother writing me back.

 

 

 

All in all I am the type of person that stands by my friend one matter what they do in there life. This friend of mine used the live a very wild life herself at one time until all her friends ditched her. Now, that I think about it people tend to only call her when the want something from her rather than just for her company because they have said she was judging person. Always judging someone esle. Also getting mad at me when someone hit on me and not her even when I would ignore the guys for fear of loosing her friendship if I had a boyfriend and she didn't. I need to resolve this or do something cause it's eating at me. What do you think I should write back to her?

[whathappensnext]

well that was a letter that any friend wouldn't dream about getting. And i think that people can't just forget about long time friends like that. MAybe shes hopeing you write her back or maybe she doesn't want you to you never know only she does. So maybe you should right what you are thinking and feeling right now. Let her know what you think of her letter. And what you think about your friendship. She seems like shes really trying to help you i really believe that, but ending your friendship isn't really the way. Sorry if it doesn't help.

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

U got to ask urself, do u still wan this friendship? She sounds very upset over the things u have done, is it coz u ditch her whenever u have fun? And find her whenever u are in need only? I have no idea.

 

If it seems the case stated as above then i guess then it is a very bad friendship. U got to tell her u wan a better friendship, with lotsa of personal space to do the things u like, and said that u can take care of urself, u just wan to drink sometimes. She sounds worried about u, thats all.

 

Harsh and critical sometimes, if u dun like her character, u can adopt the same basis of saying that she is meddling too much into ur affairs and u dun wan her to step so much in. I guess she should understand..

[kalshane]

I don't know the intimacies of your particular friendship with her, but it sounds as though she's putting her foot down. You said she used to lead a wild life herself, but it sounds as though she's moved on from that and mellowed out a bit. It sounds like something I've done to friends of the past where they lead these incredibly destructive lives, and then, broken, they come to me for help and solace. We talk about it. I tell them exactly why these things are happening, and guess what? They turn right back around and do the same things. You just get tired of repeating yourself to them and the friendship changes into this " only when you need me thing".You almost feel used and worse, ignored. Outside of the other little nuances of your friendship, you have to take a hard look at what she's saying, because it didn't come out of the blue. If she was a good friend to you, her intention was definitely to not hurt you, but help you grow up and be stronger. Its called tough love. Theres nothing you can really say to her anymore. Theres nothing you can really say to her until the things in your life that have got you living depressed change: then as a butterfly you can go get your friend back.

 

kalamity

 

 

ps. I don't agree with her views on religion. I hate it when people say, "God said this, or Buddha said that, and Jesus wants us to.." HOW DO YOU KNOW? WERE YOU STANDING THERE OR SOMETHING!!??

[DBL]

If your friends letter has any truth of you in it, I would not want to be your friend either. Life is hard enough getting by with yourself, but to have to constantly deal with someone else's misery is just too much. I have cut several friends off do to them not growing up and reckless behaviour. I'm not boyscout myself...but I pay my dues for what I do.

 

I think part of you're problem is you don't take responsiblity for you actions and life choices. You expect everyone to cater to you. If you have no respect for yourself then nobody will respect you either. As far as drinking...if you can't control your action you should not be drinking. I used to drink my share and then some, but the day that I started getting violent from drinking(or a few days really), I either do not drink or I nurse a beer.

 

You want your friend back...straighten yourself out first, i'm sure it will all fall together once you do.

 

DBL

[avman]

Well, whether you believe it or not your friend is trying to help you. I read one of your other recent posts where you call this friend "insane" and "jealous of you". Well with those comments its no wonder your friend is mad. With that kind of attitude I'm sure you are showing her your contempt through body language and the way you speak to her.

 

Did you really read what your friend wrote? She's actually trying to help you in this email. If she just wanted to blow you off all she would have said was "go away" and that would be the end of it. But she wrote a long email begging you to get your life straightened up and telling you how concerned she is about you.

 

She's not judging you. She's trying to help you. And I'm gathering by the tone of her email that you haven't been listening to her. She also sounds pretty hurt that you may have neglected her. Did you pick up on that or were you totally focused on the other parts of the email?

 

My advice - read that email 25 more times. Let it sink in what your BEST FRIEND is trying to tell you. Being a best friend doesn't mean agreeing with everything your friend does. It means loving and caring enough to know when to slap them on the side of the head and tell them to wake up!

[Cynder]

Not to come off like an overbearing religious intellectual here, but some of your friends' comments about religion are wrong.

 

From what I have heard from other Budhists, they don't worshipo Budha like a God. He was just the teacher of their phillosophy. It's more about the persuit of enlightenment. What's so selfish about that?

 

As far as the "Goddess Religion" There are many different Goddess religions, and as a follower of one of them I can say first hand that they are certainly not selfish. The "totally Pagan man made farse" comment was just offensive to me. People lived in Goddess worshipping societies long before anyone ever even heard of Christianity, Judaism, or Islam.

 

I know this probably doesn't help as far as advise, but I just had to voice my opinion.