Rough sex left emotional/physical scars...

[Kbelles]

A couple days ago, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex before he left for work in the morning. it was great at first but then i noticed he started getting rougher with me. i thought nothing of it, as we had been a little rough before. i quickly came to realize that this time was different. he wasnt himself. he was grabbing my throat and pushing my face into the pillow really hard. even his expression was different. i looked into his face and saw anger in his eyes. i tried not to cry out in pain but i couldnt help it. i was in shock from the whole thing. he was not his normal, caring, attentive self. i had never seen him like that before. his grip was so hard and rough that he left bruises on my ribcage.

 

for the first time in our relationship, it seemed like he didnt care what i was going through. he proceeded to insert himself for anal sex and ignored me when i said no, stop, it hurts. all he said was 'im only gonna put it in for a little while'. i was already kinda sore 'back there' because we had had anal sex the night before and this just compounded my pain.

when it was all over i lay there on the bed face down in shock. he asked me if i was ok and i felt the tears start to stream down my face. i said that i wasnt ok because he hurt me by not listening to me and my needs. he hugged me and told me how sorry he was and that he didnt mean to hurt me. he told me how sometimes he 'zones out' during sex and would never do anything to intentionally hurt me. he apologized over and over , kissed me, and left for work.

 

when he got to work, he called me to ask me how i was doing and if i was ok. he apologized about a dozen more times and i heard the lilt in his voice and his voice breaking. he was crying on the phone and i told him to stop crying and that i accept his apology. after that he got really quiet and didnt say much after that. that was almost three days ago and i havent spoken to my boyfriend since. ive called him, but to no avail. he hasnt answered my calls or emails and i dont know what to do. im afraid for our relationship. i would like to move past this but i cant help but feel that something between us has changed. im scared for him because he wont talk to me

 

i love my boyfriend and i know he loves me and i feel like he will one day be my husband. i also know he had a violent childhood (he once stabbed an uncle who was abusive towards him) and am worried that the violence he grew up with as a child resurfaces from time to time and manifests itself in the sex that we have. i dont know what to think....

 

at this point i would just like advice from anyone about what to do. is there anything i can do to clear the air between he and i? i want to give him his space but at the same time i dont want him to shut me out...

[arwen]

Hey,

 

I think this could be difficult for the both of you. It could be related to his past, and he could consider seeking for some counselling for that. He sounds like a really sweet guy who soon realized what he has done.

 

I think his silence comes from knowing that he hurt you, he might need some time to process what has happened as well. We girls like to talk things over and over when something like this happens in a relationship, men mostly need some time to think just alone.

 

He apologized and I think it's genuine. Give him some time and write him a letter. You can address this issue but don't do it too heavily. Just say that you love him, and it scared you but if the two of you try to communicate as good as possible about this, you're sure things will work out.

 

He might just be scared and insecure at this moment.

 

I hope you are feeling better soon,

 

Ilse.

[ticklebug]

you two pretty much cleared the air regarding this instance. You need to give it time to see if the conversation you had and the apologies were sincere.

 

If it happens again, do not under any circumstance allow it to continue..if you have to physically push him off, jump out of the bed what have you to get him out of that "zoned place", do it. No still means no, even in a relationship.

 

what you may want to consider is not having sex in the early morning when he is possibly not fully awake, if he is going to "zone" that is the time he will do it, when he isn't fully "aware" yet.

 

If it happens again, he needs to seek help...there is something triggering his violence, and it could get worse...or he could accidentally hurt you.

[savannahohsavannah]

And you are going back for more? I can't believe it? You know that angry nasty face he showed you during the rape? That is who he REALLY is when his mask of sanity is off. You may have a few people tell you it's okay to keep this rapist as a bf, but I disagree entirely. You are young, how old is he? His violent behaviors will simply escalate. They have already, according to you. It's just one more leap up. Your luckiest result will be in never seeing him again!

Ask your mother!!!

[Mentor]

i love my boyfriend and i know he loves me and i feel like he will one day be my husband. i also know he had a violent childhood (he once stabbed an uncle who was abusive towards him) and am worried that the violence he grew up with as a child resurfaces from time to time and manifests itself in the sex that we have. i dont know what to think....

 

This really concerns me. What he did to you is rape, in my mind. You said, no, stop, in no uncertain terms, yet he continued.

 

I would get out of this relationship If he is willing to get counselling for these issues, then you can stick by him if you really see a future with him, but I would not be romantically involved with him until you can be convinced that he will not do this again.

 

How could you feel safe and comfortable sleeping in the same bed with this guy again? Crises will arise in your relationship, he can not respond with violence. Unacceptable. Zero tolerance.

[savannahohsavannah]

Mentor, these men have almost no hope of ever rehabilitating, this is why some states have left an open door for almost unlimited incarceration. I don't think any woman should EVER stick by a guy who does this to her counseling or not!

Savannah

[ForAnother]

I would leave this guy too... however I think he was kind to 'realize' what he had done. Kinda stupid what he was saying during sex. Sometimes I know in sex I get a little "into it" and I just kinda do what I want... but then if she says no then i stop... and I usually get bored lol! Umm just let him know that it has hurt you, just all over... and that if anythign liek that happens again... then you leave. Umm I would also say that you two should make rules... like me and my ex used "Bananas" instead of NO! cuz... during sex you could just say no cuz its... fun to say No. I would make a secret sign language.

 

ForAnother

[savannahohsavannah]

I don't want to repeat myself so I won't. This fella is someone you should never see again. How bad does he have to hurt you for you to let go? Does he have to break your nose? And rough anal sex is a great way to get HIV. I hope he was wearing a condom. Let this moron go!!!!

[ticklebug]

Mentor, these men have almost no hope of ever rehabilitating, this is why some states have left an open door for almost unlimited incarceration. I don't think any woman should EVER stick by a guy who does this to her counseling or not!

Savannah

 

savannah, you are wrong in that "these men" have almost no hope of rehabilitating. Many do, it depends largely on what triggers the reason for the behavior. The ones who have been proven to have a brain disorder, yes, they have little chance of change...

 

However, childhood victims of abuse, esp those who never got help for it...can very well be helped...by dealing with the trauma from the past and coming to terms with it.

 

if he refuses to get help for his past issues, yes, it might be a good idea to walk away...but he is NOT some sort of monster who deserves vile and scorn...he was a victim of childhood abuse.

[Mentor]

I have thought about this some more. It does not get better, sorry.

 

Do you live together? If so, leave. Now. Even if you have to leave things behind. Go stay with your parents, or a good friend.

 

Tell the police. This guy will do this to the next girl as well unless he gets help.

[SaSaRai]

it sounds like he is having some problems that he isnt talking to you about and sometimes they get to him without anything to provoke it. Maybe you should ask him if anythign is bothering him, i've had those problems before just getting mad for no reason at someone becasue something was bothering me. That could be what his problem was.

[Mentor]

However, childhood victims of abuse, esp those who never got help for it...can very well be helped...by dealing with the trauma from the past and coming to terms with it.

 

if he refuses to get help for his past issues, yes, it might be a good idea to walk away...but he is NOT some sort of monster who deserves vile and scorn...he was a victim of childhood abuse.

 

Ticklebug,

 

You are right, he is not a monster, but he is perpetuating a cycle of violence that needs to stop. Kbelles had nothing to do with his childhood abuse. It is not her place to stick with him while he works these issues out. This man is not fit for a loving relationship right now. He needs help, and maybe one day he will be.

 

I was abused as a child If I ever raised a hand to the woman I loved I would expect her to leave me, and I would take myself off of the market until I was as sure as I could be that I would not do it again.

 

He is not a monster, but he is not boyfriend material for Kbelles either.

[ticklebug]

Mentor,

 

if this were a continual thing that happened I'd agree with you...but the hurt and pain of abuse has to come out sometime and in some way for them to get help for it.

 

what you have to bear in mind is that she did say she allowed a rougher sexual contact to go on before, that this was a first for an extreme reaction. The timing of the day is a huge factor as to why it was so severe...especially if he possibly has nightmares regarding his abuse...there is a lot to something like this that an internet board can't cover.

 

People have issues they have to work on all the time, if she loves and cars for him and wants to see him get better...there is no reason for her not to stand by him during his healing. But there will be guidelines and rules to follow...

[Kbelles]

i have read all responses and definitely thank people for replying. i respect all opinions but i have no intentions on leaving him unless he ever struck me (which he has never done and has always told me he would NEVER do). but i will say this... he HAS told me about nightmares he has sometimes. there have been times when he has awoken out of his sleep drenched in sweat (so much that he has to change his clothes) and shaking. these nightmares are always worse if/when he falls asleep on his back which is why when we lay down at night, he holds me from behind to ensure he falls asleep on his side.

 

we HAVE had rough sex before and i HAVE enjoyed it in the past. this incident was a first. during the year we have been together, he has shown me nothing but love, attention, affection, and appreciation. i posted this topic to ask for advice from anyone on how to keep this loving space we have created for one another as boyfriend/girlfriend, not to ask whether or not i should leave him. i have NO intentions on leaving him because of this incident unless it were to get out of hand. im not one to delude myself, but i dont run when things get tough either.

 

once again, i truly appreciate everyone's insight and look forward to reading more...

[kalshane]

I agree with tickle bug, just keep a cast iron skillet handy!

[Mentor]

there is a lot to something like this that an internet board can't cover.

 

Very true.

 

You make some very good points TB. I over-reacted, but I still have serious reservations about advising anyone to stay in a relationship like this. You could stay by his side while he deals with this problem, but I don't believe that it is a good idea to remain romantically involved until your safety is not in such jeopardy.

 

Bah, but I'm not an expert. I should keep my mouth shut when I'm in over my head.

[Amethyst]

kbelles, I implore you to really think about what everyone is saying.

 

You say it was "rough sex" and that you usually enjoy "rough sex", so it's okay even though you didn't enjoy it that one time.

 

Let me tell you something: What happened was NOT "rough sex" -- it was RAPE, plain and simple. "Rough sex" is consensual and is enjoyed by both parties; "rape" is NOT consensual (remember, you said "no" and told him to "stop") and is NOT enjoyed by both parties. Sure, you can say, "it's only happened once". You can even excuse it because of his violent past. However, you need to realize that it's likely to happen AGAIN. Abuse IS cyclic -- he will continue to "lose it" sometimes until he gets help.

 

As for his apology: any woman who's ever been beaten by her husband will tell you that he always apologized PROFUSELY afterward. He'd send her flowers, take her out for a romantic evening, buy her jewelry, whatever...that's how sorry he was. But, you know what? It didn't stop him from beating her the next time...or the next. And, even worse, some of those women are now lying underground with a headstone to mark the place.

 

I hear you saying, "that would never happen to me". Guess what? All of those other women said the same thing.

 

Most likely, it IS a product of his violent past, but that does NOT excuse what he did. Should a father who molests his little girl be excused for his actions because his father molested him? Of course not!

 

Don't put yourself through this. I know you love him, but NO amount of love is worth rape and abuse.

 

Please, think about it.

[Kbelles]

i intend to talk to him about therapy (for his own benefit as well as the benefit of our relationship). i want to support him any way i possibly can. he is a good man and a wonderful father (he has children with his ex). ive been with him around his children. we have spent holidays together with them. i have never known a kinder, gentler father or human being. i know for a fact that he thinks the world of me and his children which is why this incident caught me so off guard. i know we can recover i just wish he would talk to me. im sorry to ramble on and on. i really appreciate everyone taking the time to read this. and if you have any pointers from this point forward i welcome them with an open mind and an open heart.

[savannahohsavannah]

Thank you Amethyst for pointing out the cycle of abuse. Sometimes that abuse escalates to death. Kbelles is risking that. And Ticklebug, where do you get your information? I got mine from years of study of criminal psychology. Many moons ago, say about 15 years, when they were writing the DSM IV, there was a movement afoot to make a personality disorder diagnosis of men who raped. It was halted by the US Govt. (Dept of Justice, Attorney General's Office) because it would automatically give any rapist in the U.S. an insanity defense. That being said I can't waste anymore time on Kbelles. She was anally raped by a man she cares about, and it's her call as to when she says enough. I hope it's before he exposes you to the AIDS causing virus, or before he kills you.

[Amethyst]

he is a good man...i have never known a kinder, gentler...human being. i know for a fact that he thinks the world of me...

 

I'm sorry, but a "kind, gentle human being" does not RAPE another human being. I don't care if it only happened *one* time (so far), a "kind, gentle human being" would not rape anyone even ONCE. Again, talk to any woman who's ever had an abusive husband and she'll tell you that people in the community thought he was an upstanding family man. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred they would've NEVER guessed he was abusive, because he was so "kind and loving" to everyone.

 

And, your bf does NOT think the world of you if he doesn't respect your wishes. You said "no" and "stop"...if he "thought the world of you", he would've stopped -- no matter how "zoned out" he was.

 

I know you can't see it, but you're making excuses for his behavior. You even seem to think you "deserved" what happened because you "allowed rough sex before". Once again, classic signs of an abusive relationship. Women often say, "he only hit / beat / raped me because I did such-and-such". Rape is NEVER the victim's fault; the fault ALWAYS lies in the rapist's head.

 

I hate that you are making the mistake in staying with him; but, even worse, I hate that it could be a fatal mistake.

[ticklebug]

Ticklebug, where do you get your information?

 

As a medical professional with a doctorate in clinical psych. who has dealt with child abuse/incest victims and the effects on their adult lives for (ahem) amount of years.

 

savanah - I'm not going to play a "one up" game with you. You have your opinion, I have mine and we both have the right to express them. There are many many books written by professionals on the subject of incest/abuse victims as adults and dealing with this exact same problem. It IS recoverable from.

 

Amethyst has every right to give this man a chance to recover from his abuse and live a healthy happy life with her if she so chooses. Boundaries will have to be set during his time of recovery, and if he blatantly chooses not to follow his course of treatment healing, then by all means she should make the tough choice of moving on.

[Iceman26]

My advice is to drop this guy, you are 19 years old, this guy has mountains of baggage and has physically hurt you and raped you.

 

You have a whole life to live and you are too young to be dealing with this crap. Find a guy without kids and a history of violence and abuse you can go out and have fun with.

 

Mr. Rogers was a kind and gentle man too, but even he was a sniper in Vietnam.

[Amethyst]

Amethyst [she] has every right to give this man a chance to recover from his abuse and live a healthy happy life with her if she so chooses.

 

Yes, she does...it's completely her choice. However, I've seen way too many women end up seriously injured and even killed just because they were willing to give a man another chance. So, don't expect me to sit back and condone her decision.

 

You say they need to set boundaries; but, I have to wonder just how much good that would do. He has already RAPED her once. That means he doesn't respect "boundaries".

 

You also say she should leave if he blatantly ignores those boundaries. Sorry, but I don't think she should have to get raped again in order to have reason to leave. Being raped one time is one time too many.

 

I'm not saying the guy should be single forever. I do, however, think he should go through his recovery process and do some healing before he even *thinks* of getting involved in a relationship. If he truly loves her, he should want to get away so he won't hurt her again. Besides, kbelles certainly does not deserve to be physically and emotionally scarred just because he hasn't dealt with his past yet.

[incredble]

The true feelings come out in a person when they are angry...

 

I know he said he is sorry, but that could be an act. You know how many times I told my mom im sorry after I got in trouble??

 

From my experiance I realized; people never change.

 

Anyways, I could be wrong, so dont take my advice to seriously.

[ticklebug]

bottom line is it is HER choice and HER decision to make...you don't get the whole story on an internet board.

 

Amethyst - I'm sad to think that you can just easily toss aside someone as garbage because they are going through a horrible life experience...when abuse/incest becomes a bain to someone's life and they need to come to terms with it...they shouldn't have to go through it alone. You have no understanding whatsoever of what childhood abuse can do to a person, the places it can take someone's mind without them knowing. Criminal "RAPISTS" (as you so boldly put it) are very aware of what they are doing and do it to get a thrill from it...this was no thrill for either of them...