I dont want to move on.

[HajiMaji]

What i want to do is write a letter to my ex, proclaim my huge love for her and have her take me back... How desperate is that.

 

Today i saw her for the first time in 4.5 months. We use to work at a day care, and when i went up to visit the kids, she was there. I did not approach her or anything, and she defiantely ignored me. As the kids would bring me to one area, shed leave. Im so hurt by this.

 

She didnt ignore me to hurt me, but it still does. Seeing her brought back those memories, and im so confused as to why she can cut me out like she did. We went through so much and we cared for each other so much. None of that means anything now? Now im just some dude who is having trouble getting over her?

 

I havent really contacted her in a while. We talked 2 months after we split up and it was horrible. She was very mean and i was very depressed. The combination was no good for both of us.

 

Now im regretting talking to her, wishing i could just get over it a little more so once im ready i could "get her back". Im thinking constantly of what i can do to get her on speaking terms and all this business. Its really stupid and i just hate to be in so much pain.

 

You know, you love a person as they are a part of you. Even though there were bad times everynow and then it doesnt matter, you just want that back. It hurts a ton. Damn i feel like im going to die. Not in a suicide way but i just feel like this pain is going to kill me! Like i physically feel it ya know. How am i going to live like this for the rest of my life!!!

 

Im having huge problems letting go and moving on. I dont exactly know what to do. So far you all have said give it time, but is there more i can do? I feel so lost and i want the pain to go away, as childish as that sounds..

[ticklebug]

write the letter, get all of your feelings out and on paper...the good, bad & ugly...then shred it, burn it...something symbolic of letting go of your thoughts.

 

Afterwards, find a new way to occupy your thoughts, read books, do crosswords, join a gym...anytime you find your thoughts drifting back to her...immerse yourself in a new activity...

[Switch187]

Well the best thing to do is keep yourself active enough to were your mind stops thinking about her. Try working out everytime you start to feel the way you do, and keep working out until you feel better. After your workout you will feel so releaved and tired that you won't even have time to think about things again. Another thing that helps is talking about her with friends until you get bored with the subject. For some this really helps, since once you get tired of the subject it helps you realize that your moving on. Keeping a journal works just as well, plus it allows you to write down all your emotions/feelings to help "vent". All I can say is you just got to keep your mind busy and "out there" so it doesn't have time or energy to think about how things "were", but thinks about how things are going to be.

[REALITYMAN]

i am going through a similar situation . i posted my story today . i am realityman . i feel you need to ignore her . just do it . in time she may miss you and come back . i know it hurts bad . i am feeling sad too in my situation . but she leaves you no other choice but to wait . meanwhile go to family and friends and focus on the holidays . but do not call her . it will push her away . she needs to reconsider her decision . ok . this is my advice . read my post /it is the one that says i want her back , but how ? happy holidays , realityman

[HajiMaji]

Thanks for the input! This is my thing. How do i make the descision to get over her?

 

Right now it seems im at a path. One leads to me really trying to get over her, and the other leads me to really trying to get back with her.

 

Ugh, this sucks...

[ticklebug]

haj

 

you are on a bike...you come to a split in the path one direction is a mountain climb with all sorts of boulders, pits, trees etc and it's really a steep vertical incline and you are out of water & yiou have no idea what is at the top as you have never traveled it before....the other is a downward ride on a regular bike path, but three times the length of the incline...with a great restaurant that serves the best refreshing drinks...

 

now, can you figure out which is which path is which and what will bring you to the better place in the long run?

[HajiMaji]

Hehe its very hard for me to say the long path is better because of my insane desire to be back with this girl who probably will never be in a position to love anyone..

 

I do have to thank you though. Right now i am caught up in my emotions and pain, its hard for me to separate. You come in and paint the picture you see.

 

The long path is good, but i have a feeling im gonna be in pain the whole ride down. Thats not appealing but i guess i gotta suck it up?

[Strandysmommy]

Here is how I looked at it; we were together for a year, and he dumped me out of nowhere, and I mean it-- NO STINKING WHERE. He moved on like (*SNAP!) that. It was as though he could care less, nay- he really COULD care less; it sounds like this is the case with this girl of yours. She could care less...she moved on.

 

I was so livid that he could just poof, move on like that. Did I really mean that little to him? Obviously I really WAS nothing to him. This fact was the motivation for me to move on and THEN SOME. Oh my goodness, does this guy think he's so great that he's going to leave me pining and miserable? The last time he IM'd me, he talked to me as though he figured I was still miserable and alone and sad. I gave him only one word, closed ended answers...he seemed pretty phased. I wait eagerly for that day where he might come to me and say "you know, I've seen some changes in you, and I think I'd like to try it again. "

And I can say, "you're too late...sorry pal, YOU'RE FIRED!" 8)

 

What I am saying is this; use this pain, the pain of seeing her, of her hurting you so much, to move on make it your springboard, your cannon, your springboard. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing she broke you.

[Prosper]

Hi HAji..

I think i had talked to u b4.

 

Going down a slope is not easy, but it is easy if u focus on the RELEASING OF EMOTIONS there. I wonder have u taken a rollercoaster ride, the downhill is very alleviating, thou some ppl may scream of fear of falling off the track, of that fear that they would roll all the way down to nowhere.

 

But down this path, enlightenment shall be ur lampposts to shine in the dark, trees and flowers for ur scenery, to enjoy every special moment u miss with urself, which u will, now and then. And i would say, use ur legs to walk, it is hard the journey is longer, but it is always better than to walk up, to have fear of FALLING EVEN FURTHER. And for that, i wish u can keep that in mind.

 

 

P.S: We are always here for u, if u shld need us..

[ajk]

choosing to get over her will make the pain go away. trying to work on it may infuriate her more...you never know with these things but that is what ALL of my friends tell me. of course, you always think you could somehow touch that person's heart...but if it is exhausting you mentally, physically and spiritually right now, you need to take a big step back and do what makes you feel better no matter how 'hard' or long the path is...

 

i also think it is likely she ignored you specifically to hurt you, as much as she could have done it for herself, as well. that's a ridiculous action on her part. she could have been a bigger person than that--is there any way you can get 'angry' at her for that? (i understand you may not have talked to her, either, but honestly, you are the one hurting and have a right to not talk to her. it's been 2 months since you talked and she is still so mad she can't speak to you? that's immature of her. i know that is something hard to face...but i know you accept that she is not perfect. maybe try to see all the ways that she was not 'perfect' for YOU. i know it will be hard since it seems you look for the good in people and accept the bad--i thought it was a great comment you made about loving someone as if they are part of you--but try to see how her reactions are not something that would make you happy in the long run...)

 

ajk

[HajiMaji]

ajk thank you

 

Yes, it seems this is something ive been struggling with. She was both very good to me and very bad. Honestly it is in my nature to just accept peoples shortcomings and not focus on them. Most of my friends try to get me bent out of shape over something that shes done, but i dont. I realize most of what shes doing is out of her feeling of detachment and aloneness in life. How can i be mad at her for that?

 

With my forgiving nature aside, i see your point. I need to use my brain and realize (because this is true) that she has handled situations poorely to the extent she would not make a good significant other, wife, or mother to my children. If i think about how my ideal mate would have handled the whole "us" situation it would have been much different. It comes down to in the long run i want someone "better" then her. I want someone more patient, more understanding and flat out more loving and sensible.

 

I appretiate everyones advice so far, it really does help. Its not magic and it doesnt automatically fix my problems but it sure helps a lot. Ive never felt more alone then i do now and having you all respond helps me get through it a little easier

[sdw]

If you wanted to send her a note, I would keep it brief, say you know that now a lot mre water is under the bridge it would be good if you could stay friends. Sometimes if you can manage it, when the pain is at it's worst you need to work out exactly what it is that causing the pain. That's how to get thru it and learn from it. For example, with me - it's the thought of her being with someone else, the feelings of rejection. Instead of always thinking of things in the most negative light, try to remember that whatever happens in the future, doesn't change what happened between you and her. Try and let it go, you must have meant something - and be honest anyone who can just snap their finger and switch off like that has something wrong with them. A lot of people in my experience like to

 

a) Pretend that's what they've done because they think it makes them look strong.

b) Do it because they know they have power over you, and that they can cause you hurt by appearing uncaring.

 

When you look at it this way, and sorry to be overly philosophical about stuff !! They only have the power if yuo let them think they have it, and they only genuinely have it if you let them make you feel anything other than indifferent. So i guess that's not terrbily useful, advice is write to her if you think it'll help you, but don't give away any emotions because that gives her power, and that's bad.

 

Steve.

[Pebek]

HajiMaji, same here, man. Although it's been 9+ months since my gf of 4 1/2 years broke up with me, just like that in one night, I can't seem to be able to stop thinking about her and move on. I guess deep down inside I just don't want to let go. I want her to take me back. Man, I've been praying for that phone call that's not coming. I've been on 100% NC but there are times I just want to howl with pain, especially now around Christmas when we used to go do some shopping and stuff, just like last year.

It really does help to get busy doing something you've never had time for before, but it doesn't turn on that light in the tunnel.

About the 'path' comparison. Well, to me the easy road is to get back with your ex coz more or less you know what to expect. After all, you shared all those intimacies and things. It's the unknown that scares most people because you just don't know what's going to happen. Another thing is that it'll never be like it was, which doesn't mean it's going to be worse.

Man, venting does help. Sorry for the rambling but I'm still in pain. I wish there was a day in my life I wouldn't be thinking about my ex and how it used to be. On the other hand, if a person can end an almost 5-year relationship with a snap of the fingers...

 

Hang in there.

 

Pete

[Scottrn]

It is a b&^$*. Good days, bad days, howling with pain....yup. But other times are better, just gotta get through those howling bad moments. For me also its the thought of her with someone else, a real confidence smasher. Trying to keep busy, keep a soft heart, want to be a better person for the next person in my life. My short term goal is the summer, trying to get in shape for the beach....if you're straining at working out, it takes away the mental pain, if only for awhile, but each while gets just a bit longer. The light at the end of the tunnel is there, and no it's not an oncoming train!

I heard that the pain will decrease once we've learned the lesson from it. Be still, be patient and wait for it.

Love you guys, Happy holidays!

[ShuShu Fontana]

With my forgiving nature aside, i see your point. I need to use my brain and realize (because this is true) that she has handled situations poorely to the extent she would not make a good significant other, wife, or mother to my children. If i think about how my ideal mate would have handled the whole "us" situation it would have been much different. It comes down to in the long run i want someone "better" then her. I want someone more patient, more understanding and flat out more loving and sensible.

 

This is an excellent point and something that has helped me since I read it. Opened the shades on that one window in the dark corner, if you will. As much as I love my ex, that is really what it comes down to. All the great times and overwhelming emotions aside, he keeps too much to himself, is not a good decision maker, doesn't communicate well, and these are the things that matter in a relationship. He could paint a very pretty picture with words but never really had the actions to back them up. He didn't fight for me when we broke up. Why would I want to be with someone who didn't put up a fight?

My problem is that thinking of him being with someone else and SEEING him with someone else, and knowing too much about their relationship made me cling even tighter, not let go.

It started out as a mutual break-up and it just turned into a huge mess. I wish I hadn't cried in fromt of him so many times and let him know how much he hurt me. Somehow I thought telling him would help me. It only hurt me and I ALWAYS walked away feeling like crap. I wrote the letter telling him everything he had ever done to hurt me, and then I sent it to him. I didn't need to, I felt great relief when I was done writing it...but I felt the overwhelming need to make him understand and thought foolishly that it would win him back. We talked, we cried, we kissed good-bye, a year after we broke up. That was a year ago, so it's been 2 years now.

 

I'm rambling.

 

Point: write out your feelings. I was amazed at the weight that was lifted off my shoulders. I really didn't think it would work. It did. I think you should try it. And focus on those points you made above. Hold out for the ideal person you're looking for. You will find her.

[Scottrn]

With my forgiving nature aside, i see your point. I need to use my brain and realize (because this is true) that she has handled situations poorely to the extent she would not make a good significant other, wife, or mother to my children. If i think about how my ideal mate would have handled the whole "us" situation it would have been much different. It comes down to in the long run i want someone "better" then her. I want someone more patient, more understanding and flat out more loving and sensible

 

I know the feeling. I spent 6 months telling myself that I had to try harder since I understood what drove her to do the things she did and she didn't, it was MY responsibility to help her, so I gave up myself....which turned out awful and put me here. I'm learning to stand again, but I won't let my heart get hardened by it, just won't be so arrogant next time to think I can fix anyone. Her insecurity ran so deep, no approach would open her up to discussion about what she was doing, it was all me. Messed me up, because if I only tried harder.....you know.

[HajiMaji]

You guys rule, and rambling is good sometimes

 

Scottrn, i feel you one hundred percent. Its like you make the choice to love someone and the very nature of that choice makes you feel responsible for someone. If your love is good then you understand them deeply. Your understanding coupled with your strong feeling of responsibilty make life hard!!!

 

When you say you wont let your heart get hardened by this that makes me happy. I feel messed up now as well, but one thing i will always be proud of is my warm open caring and loving heart. Thats something ive been holding onto to get me through life right now.

 

Im having trouble letting go of the whole "try harder" mentality. Like you said, no approach would open her up and her insecurity ran so deep. It wasnt your spot to "try harder". I realize that my ex girlfriend needed to try harder (actually needed to try at all) but still tonight i will most likely be sad and thinking up some stupid plan to make another try at her heart.

 

Luckily i dont go through with them anymore.

[Scottrn]

but still tonight i will most likely be sad and thinking up some stupid plan to make another try at her heart.

 

Luckily i dont go through with them anymore.

 

I know, me too. But, we don't go through with them anymore. Get some sleep, go shopping tomorrow, that's my plan!

[auburnslp]

I am sorry for you guys, and I can relate...I know what you are going through-I've been there, and it's such a ridiculous roller coaster ride...

But, that's what it is, a roller coaster...for a while things seem great, and then they come crashing in. Time heals for sure, but slowly-amazing how time drags when we are NOT having fun But, it gets better each day, week, month. Sometimes there are triggers that make us remember and feel the pain again, and it can be very intense. Myself-I am over her, despite all beliefs I had 9 months ago when we broke up. But, Christmas comes, and I think of her again...not devastated, but sad. The key I think to truly moving on and getting healthy is to absolutely admit that it is over. And to have no thoughts of getting her/him back. To do so keeps that person at the forefront of your thoughts and emotions and there is no way to move on in that manner. The day I was able to do that, everything changed. I stopped being so depressed, was able to start enjoying dating again, everything was better.

Even so, every now and then the thoughts come, and a touch of sadness. But no pain. I have let go completely-have had no contact at all for 3 months, and never will again-no Christmas cards, nothing. I've been lucky and haven't run into her either, haven't passed her in the car even, and that is a good thing.

I know it's hard and terrible. Been there done that. And it takes time to truly let go, even when there is no hope at all-took me many months even after all hope was gone, to admit that it is over and isn't ever coming back. And when you finally do that, it is very hard at first-the pain is intense-but amazingly, very quickly, everything starts to get much better, and fast. This has been my experience and also many others that have been through what we all have. If it is still a constant after several months, the pain, not wanting to go on, etc., I would say there is a chance that you have slipped into a depression, and that is not something to mess around with...it's not a weakness, nothing to have shame over-it happens to the best of us. And getting help for that professionally is absolutely necessary-who wants to live like that indefinitely? And despite what your mind is telling you, that help WILL help you get back on track-life is too short and precious to waste it pining over something that is lost-life goes on, despite whether you allow it to, and it's just a matter of whether you want life to go on all around you while you sit in pain or whether you want to be an active part in change and adventure and new loves and every other wonderful thing that life has in store for us-don't let these opportunities pass you by...

Listen, let me say one other thing-after reading these posts and learning in the last 9 months or so from them, the incidence of reconciliation is very low on here, for those of us that have been left behind, no matter what we try to do. And even when some of us have managed to get the lost love to return, it doesn't last. Hardly ever in fact. All of that says something to me-that the "love of our lives" that has left us is not the love of our life, or we would not be in this position and in this pain. Love should bring joy, not this kind of pain-so obviously, we just haven't found the love of our lives yet. She or he is still out there, waiting for us to come along. Don't miss her or him, what a crime that would be. Let this one go, any possible way you can, on your own, or with help. So you can move on and laugh and smile and love again.

Chins up. Smiles on. You never know who is falling in love with that smile. So keep it on as best you can. Time to start living again. It is a process, different for all of us, takes some more time than others. But do whatever it takes to get there as quickly as you can-you have to let go.

Have a happy holiday-trust me, everything will get better and you will be just fine-just takes some time, patience, and also effort. The choices we make today will shape our tomorrow's-do everything you can to shape them into something better than the day before...Michael

[Scottrn]

Have a happy holiday-trust me, everything will get better and you will be just fine-just takes some time, patience, and also effort. The choices we make today will shape our tomorrow's-do everything you can to shape them into something better than the day before...Michael

 

Another awesome post Michael! I look forward to being where you are in your mindset, positive and moving on! Honestly, it is getting better, it's just that when it comes back to me sometimes I'm surprised by it because I thought it wouldn't. I'm trying to learn how to roll with it when it comes, not beat myself up for it like I'm starting from scratch because thats not what it means. I remember the numbness in the beginning, I don't want to go back to that!

Again, great uplifting post, best of everything to you for the holidays and all next year!!

Scott

[auburnslp]

Well I know what you mean-I am also surprised when it comes back-like yesterday, I was in a bit of a funk, not my normal happy self...and I realized it is because the holiday is here and I miss not having someone to share it with-just haven't found the right one yet...but then I sat back and decided that it is ok to not have someone, that I will find her, and I woke today back to my normal self

I have a New Years party to go to-like someone else wrote on one of these posts, it is gonna be a little hard because most of my friends are married-but,...who knows what life has in store? Maybe there will be a friend of a friend there that I will meet? Maybe not-but that's ok too...we just never know...and that is what makes life and adventure, right? I plan to live it to it's fullest...

Same blessings to you for the holiday and the new year...focus on tomorrow when today is not ideal...keep that mindset and you will snap oput of the funks quicker than seemingly possible...Michael

[HajiMaji]

Man michael i really enjoyed reading your reply. Thank you for taking the time to write that.

 

I think i took away a lot from that. I really liked to see your attitude. The fact you are not still hanging on to the fact that she might take you back. The fact you said once all hope was lost it STILL took you time to fully let go really made me smile, because all hope is definitely lost for me. Although i really try to understand that there are times (and fairly often right now) when i sit here hanging on to the idea someday we will be married..

 

I took away from your reply that i need to realize im not in a romance movie In those movies they always get back together.. Its easy to hang on and hard to let go. I havent been able to free myself like you.

 

Where are the movies about people having heartbreak and eventually letting go?! Swingers is one i know, but thats 1 move on movie compared to a bijilion cling to the past and hope your lover takes you back! Ok im rambling.

 

I am putting forth as much energy as i can to getting past this. I really look forward to being in your mental state. You give me hope man!! Maybe i wont be stuck here for the rest of my life

[auburnslp]

no, you won't be here for the rest of your life, and you will move on, as I did...it just takes time, and also-effort. Force yourself to move on-force yourself into the mindset that it is over-and yes you are right, it is easy to hang on and hard to let go-but remember that old saying-nothing that is worth having is easy-so in other words, hanging on is not worth having.

You know, I saw her kids today for the first time in over three months, out shopping for Christmas-luckily they were with their dad-I had no words with him-guess we have nothing to say to each other. But I thought it would hit me a little bit, just seeing them again, and all the memories of three years of being such a part of their lives and now nothing-but it didn't at all. Just nice to see them and say hi, and that's all. Good stuff...

You will be fine. And I have two movies for you-but you might cry...I did when I watched them when going through what you are dealing with, but at the same time they helped me, because they echo what we have to face, what we have to do...one is Cast Away...watch it, not just for the valid ending, but because it is a phenomonal movie with Tom Hanks, and the other is Butterfly Effect-the ending is perfect for us.

Good luck in everything-you have us on here, you have family and friends, but most importantly, you have yourself-and you will find the strength to move past this chapter in your life and see the blue skies again, and smile the smile of hope and anticipation for what life surely has in store for you...Michael

[eva1218]

Guess we just have to suck it up. Nothing else we could do about.

Take our time to heal our wounds....face it every single day.....and feeling a bit better day by day....week by week...month by month....

This is how I see the whole thing, it is really hard to let go....me(after 5months broke up with 5years long distance relationship) still hardly move on. Thinking about him day and night. Tried everything I can...but it leaded me to middle of nowhere. The only thing we can do about is TAKE AS LONG AS you need to heal it. Just because of it is so hard to let go, just because of you loved so much, and might never love someone else as much as you loved him/her. But we tasted the greatest love in our lifes. It is really really not easy to love someone like that even though when they don't love us anymore. We love them more than we love ourselves...guess that's why we are here. After time goes by, we will be able to love ourselves again, treat ourselves better again....probably fall in love again....meanwhile, all we can do is just wait and suck it up.