When is it gonna stop

[Dragon-heart]

I've been married for seven years and have three sons ranging in age from 6years to 2 months old. My problem is that I am not in love with my wife. I married my wife because I thought it was the right thing to do at the time, we where living together and according to religious reasons it was not considered appropriate behaviour for a single guy to live with a single girl, so my pastor suggested that I get married. It has been seven years of hell, most of the time I keep thinking that she's a good person and one day things might work out, but the rest of the time we fight . I met someone a while ago and fell in love with her, we had a relationship and I thought she was the one, but then recently we broke up and she moved on, she has married and seems happy. I was hurt cause she was the only joy in my life, but have accepted things. Last night my wife and I have a huge fight over a very petty issue, I think she knows that I'm not in love with her. What do I do, I'm tired of being called names and being labeled all the time, she tells me that she hates me. And to be honest I don't really care anymore. Ive been through enough pain in my life to even feel hurt. My wife has treatened me and does not want to see reason, she knows that I'm not in love with her. I have also been talking to someone new, so far we're just friends, she seems like a really nice person, she knows everything about me, maybe someone I could actually fall in love with. But I'm too affraid of getting hurt again or hurting anybody else..

 

I'm totally lost, how do I reason with my wife, she does not even want to talk, everything I say gets used against me. I'm beginning to hate her more and more each day. Sometimes I just sit there and listen to her rambling on and on.. and I just ask myself if this is all worth it.. or if this is how my life is going to be.. I'm seriously considering a divorce, I think there is only so much one can take and I'm tired of seven years of hurt. Any advice would be greatly appreciated..

[GATGIRL]

Try couples counseling. A lot of times it is covered my your EAP.

Do you feel verbally abused by this woman?

I think when we as women know that a man is unfaithful, even if just in spirit, we lash out the only way we can and that is to try and hurt you emotionally as you have hurt us.

Sound childish? Yes. But it's true.

The first step to understainding where the fights and resentment are coming from are to talk it out. A counselor can help develop those communication skills.

And if you do end up getting divorced, at least you can communicate about what went wrong and set a good example to your children by not fighting anymore.

[Dragon-heart]

Thanks for the advice, I have tried talking to her on numerous occations, even spoke to a few counsellers, but she just get more and more angry with me, It seems like she does not want to face the truth, and she always wants to blame me for everything that goes wrong in our lives. Even if it has nothing to do with me.

 

It's like I'm always the one that's wrong. We have totally nothing in common. She does not even allow me to go out with friends. She is obsessive and jealous about everyone and anyone. For example if I want to go out with the guys she says that I don't have time for her and the kids, and if I tell her to come with us, then she says that she can't because of the kids. She treats me like I'm a child and I'm tired of it.. I know that divorce is wrong, but then what are my other options? It seems like my life is being wasted and I'm not comfortable with it..

[Princess 01]

Take her to counselling with you. The problem seems to be her not wanting help. I take it this woman has been traumatised with a lot of past issues that she is living with.

 

Do you think its wise to allow your kids to be without a full time father? I so dont divorce her until you feel that the kids can stand on their own. Try and work out these unresolved issues with a marriage counseller. If she does not want to come with you , ask for someone to help you to advise her to go to help your marriage.

 

Also because you have cheated on her and she is well aware of the fact that you did she is NEVER gonna trust you again. Your cheating stemmed from the fact that you did not feel loved by her so you went to someone else to give/show you love. Its a sad thing that you and her could not be together.

 

I have no more suggestions/ solutions to give because there are three minors involved here. So I suggest you try and try again.......who knows maybe you will die trying.

 

Like the saying goes " The bed you make is the bed you lie on ". Really I understand what you going through but somethings got to give.

[Dragon-heart]

It seems like nobody truly understands what I'm going through, It's easy for people to say give it another chance.. but how many chances can one give. I've learned one thing in all these years "Love" is just a word.. and it's a one way thing..

 

I guess it's up to me to decide whether I want this marriage or not. I'd rather have my kids living in a peaceful home than have them face their parents fighting all the time..

[Princess 01]

Yeah DG .... the end decision lies in your hands.

 

Only you alone can make the decisions that affects your family.

 

Good luck and all the best in your future endeavours.

[Dragon-heart]

Thanks for the advice, I've decided to make my life more exciting, I'm gonna meet with my new friend today and see how that goes, I think it's time for a change in my life. Hopefully a permanent change.

[Abacab]

Hi there,

 

You state that you two were living together at first. I reckon something must have changed for the worse after you both got married. Whatever the problem is, it must be addressed.

 

Your wife and you must go through counselling together. But if she is unwilling, it's better for the children to not be brought up in a war-zone; hence you guys must get a divorce. My personal opinion is that having parents fighting all the time is much more detrimental to their psyche than having divorced parents...

 

Should you be contemplating for divorce, I would urge you to first go through with that, and then pursue new relationships. If you one day regret your decision (divorce) in the future, you musn't have anyone else but yourself to blame...

 

Hope everything turns out right for you.

[cleverme123]

I think if you are really that unhappy and she is really that unreasonable, make plans to separate for a while. Your feelings towards leaving for good will become evident, and maybe give her a huge wake up call. Once you are out you can spell out what it would take to try to fix things, and the consequences if she continues to belittle and berate you. I think that if you have exhausted every other measure this is a viable way to make her wake up.

[lonelyandblue]

You should end it. It sounds like you have already involved other people in your relationship and that is not fair to your wife. Especially with the diseases out there today. So at least be fair, try to tell her how you feel and why you feel that way. And then both of you can be free. Except don't forget the kids. Whatever differences the two of you have, it is not their fault. And they need two supportive parents in this hard world.

[redsuede]

This might be kinda harsh, but what do you expect? YOU married this person for wrong reasons, and cheated on her and you dont think she can feel something is wrong, and you wonder why she doesnt like you going out, or you wonder why she feels like she is doing things alone with the kids, she can certainly feel the lack of commitment with you. You need to do her a favor and just leave her. Let her go on with her life to be with someone who will want to be with her. I am sorry if this was harsh, not meant to be, but come on. Take responcibility of your actions first, and then micromonitor someone elses. good luck.

[GATGIRL]

Sometimes divorce is not wrong.

Don't beat yourself up too much.

If you feel you have truly tried everything short of separating, then you need to take that step.

About your new friend - tread with caution. You have some wounds healing....

Good luck.

[Dragon-heart]

Thanks for all the help, I really appreciate it. It seems like i'm hitting a brick wall with my wife. I did meet with my friend yesterday and we spoke for almost an hour. She told me the same thing, that I should not rush into things, so we're still friends. I find it so easy to talk to her and we click on many issues. I can't seem to get the same response from my wife. The reason I cheated was because I was tired of the verbal abuse and tired of being with someone that always hurt me. It was a point in my life where I needed to feel loved and I was not getting that at home. I guess some may think that I was selfish, but it happened.

 

I never regretted cheating on my wife, it was the only time that I was truly happy. Some may judge me, but if you haven't been in a situation like mine, then it's easy to judge. I am tired of the way my life is goin so I think it's time to change things. I hate doing this, but my kids will always have me as their father, I'm sure that in time they will understand..

 

I've decided to go through with the divorce, and then see if I am ready for another relationship. Hopefully by then I will allow myself to fall in love again.