How to Proceed 6years - it's over... But we meet in a few months.

[VivvianeLee]

Where do I begin...

 

I was in a passionate loving relationship for four years and then we both lost track of our paths became very needy and had high expectations of each other for the next two years. Basically lost our individuality and self confidence.

 

I've taken the time to really look at who I am. Who I was. Who I Ultimately want to become. And I know he's the man I want to share my life with. I don't want to "fix" anything I want to start from neutral and see where that takes us. Maybe it doesn't mean forever but I have that desire to find out what these feelings mean.

 

This was his decision. He left, moved out. Wanted NC. But many things brought us back together. A terrible thing happened in his life in the past couple of days and he needs my support right now and of course I'm here for him. It's so hard... but I'm here. Originally he moved out April 1st and he wanted NC but there was some contact, minimal. Now it's up in the air because he doesn't know about his living situation and just lost his job. Meanwhile he still works for my father.

 

Before the bad news he had he was telling me that he needs his space, that our relationship was over... That he didn't want to be with me now but that healing/forgiving is a process and he doesn't think that's where he will end up, but he doesn't know. He said he wants me in his life in some way he just doesn't know what that looks like. He told me we can meet in July to see what's what then. Without expectations. Without pretences. He said he doesn't know if he can respect me anymore. He doesn't know if he can trust the changes he's seen so far because he doesn't know if it's just because of the situation. I've become unattractive by depending on him and not making things happen by myself for myself. He said the only way he ever could be with me was if I was living a happy life for myself. And I'm sure that's the only way he can respect me. That's where this gets hard.

 

Because I feel like if there is no hope I'm basically a sad house mouse. This is my process but I would love to have an answer as to whether we can see each other again in the future or not. Taking more of a break meaning not having sex with other people. But he said he just wants to do what he wants. He said I tried to control everything and now he wants to control his own life. He said he's not looking to date or have sex, but he will do what he wants. He said he can't give me hope and he can't tell me there is no hope. He said he just doesn't know and that I have to make my decision whether we meet in July or not.

 

So.... I would love to hear some advice on how I approach this situation with the hopes of having him actually want to be with me again. He's coming over tomorrow and he may stay over but he said he doesn't want to cross boundaries because right now he just needs support due to his terrible situation he's in. It's hard to do that...

 

Any advice is appreciate.

[Ms Darcy]

I know it's a shocker right now but the best thing you can do is go no contact starting now. He's trying to keep you on the backburner while he "sees" other chicks. You have been demoted to "maybe." After six years, you deserve commitment - not breadcrumbs.

 

Cut him off and make healing your priority. That doesn't mean you can never get back together. It just means you need to catch up to where he is in healing.

[VivvianeLee]

You could be right... Originally I didn't think he would actually go out with anyone and he has said it probably won't happen... Because he wants to focus on himself... He basically said that I tried to control everything that he just wants me to let go to prove I'm changing and to let the future unfold. He keeps mentioning my dad and his gf who broke up for a few months and got back together. I think all the trouble he has now is grounding him because he was kind of flying high thinking his new life was so much better without me, he had everything set up, and now it's crashed big time. And who is there for him? No one around him who new only one aspect of him, they're gone. But I'm here. As I always was through every second of this mess in the past, present, and future. For those who are wondering this is about something he did in the past which follows him to this day... Consequences. I just hope he can see that I've changed, I really have. I see things so differently now. Still lots of work to do on myself especially with becoming emotionally responsible... But I'm getting there.

 

I just wish there was someone out of the almost one hundred people who viewed this post who will advise me further on how I can get this guy back. We had love together that is not comparable to anything I've felt, and same for him. Which also opens the door for the opposite strength in pain. We are both in our thirties btw.

[jjkk]

I think the best chance you have for getting this guy back is to spend the next few months focusing on yourself. Don't worry about what he's doing. Get out there and live your life. Make "things happen for yourself by yourself". Exercise, volunteer, go out with friends, etc.

 

There are no guarantees that you will get him back no matter what you do. BUT The great thing about getting out and healing and improving yourself and your life is that you not only feel better about yourself and create a space for you to move on but it also increases your chances of getting him back.

[VivvianeLee]

When I forced the conversation of let me go or give me hope, he told me then if you're forcing me, now, no, in the future, maybe. Ugh. He said make your decision based on that information.

 

This is really frustrating. I'm getting to the point now that I almost don't care if he just tells me never. Maybe it will be easier that way? Maybe I should keep pushing so he knows for sure he wants nothing to do with me so I can at least not live in Limbo until we meet in July. I go back and forth with this. I guess its best to just leave him alone. Plan to move on... And accept that he may not come back. By the time he comes back I will be so apprehensive about anything at all with him. Especially if he dates. I don't EVER want to feel this kind of pain again. It really is unbearable.

 

But at least it makes me feel alive

[VivvianeLee]

Thanks jjkk. Sometimes you just need to hear really obvious logical things when you're thinking with you're heart too much

As hard as it is I have to do exactly what you said. Begging this far, crying, etc, has gotten me nowhere. Actually made everything worse with us. And made me loose my dignity and self respect. So I'm going to move forward. One tiny step at a time, and either way I'll be better off for it. He did say to say to me once "you don't know how to make yourself attractive" when I was begging/crying and being generally pathetic /: I guess being independent is the only way I can move forward. Alone, and with him.

[jjkk]

I guess being independent is the only way I can move forward. Alone, and with him.

 

Yes! I love that quote, perfect! You can do it!

 

Also as someone who has broken up with someone before and they've cried, begged, tried to convince me to stay, etc. it actually pushed me away. There was nothing he could do or say to make me stay and I refused to give him false hope as I think it's cruel but the dramatics surrounding the break up just irritated me and confirmed my decision to leave him.

 

It sounds like you are correct. Move on and don't plan on reconciling. I know you want closure from him and I think it's cowardly that he won't give you that and just tell you there's no chance and throwing out a future possibility. It sounds like he was just trying to appease you in the moment by saying maybe in the future. Don't allow yourself the anxiety and heartache of living in limbo w/ hope for reconciliation. It'll just drag this out unnecessarily.

 

Be strong and know you'll be OK and you'll make it through! Hugs!

[sharky988]

What your ex is doing is classic dumper behavior.

 

He has you as a Plan B and emotional safety net from now until July while he gets to date around and see who else is available. Typically, he tells you he has no intention of dating anyone else.... he *just needs to be alone right now*..... yeah, right.

 

Listen to the sound advice you've been given and move on. It's painful to walk away from a possible "maybe" to a definite "no"..... but this is actually your only shot at getting him back. If he has to face losing you -- as opposed to having you there to metaphorically hold his hand through this breakup -- he MIGHT change his mind. Probably not -- it usually works out that a breakup is for good. But at least there's a tiny chance.

 

More importantly, it takes YOU out of that painful hoping limbo place and puts you in a position to start to heal..... with No Contact. This is how you get your dignity back and your sense of self-esteem -- by setting boundaries and sticking to them, by resisting the temptation to reach out or stalk him on Facebook.

 

Here's a guide that will help you do this: link removed

 

Good luck and keep posting!

[Tanzi]

Wow! He has created a real unworkable paradox here hasn't he?

 

HE broke up with you, HE moved out, HE wanted his space, HE wanted to cut all ties with you (until it suited him to have contact with you again that is), HE doesn't want you, HE doesn't know if he can respect you, HE doesn't know if he can trust you (or the changes that you've made), HE, HE, HE ….

 

HE also says he will only respect you if you are living happy on YOUR OWN.

 

Well, how on earth can you be either happy OR living on your own when he pops in and out of your life as and when he pleases?? I find this quite baffling. He isn't allowing you to be what he is also telling you he wants you to be. He has you buy the short n curlies. You're damned if you and your damned if you don't.

 

He has ended things with you. Therefore he has no right to make such demands on you or have any expectations from you. He has decided to go it alone so that is what he must do. He can't come back every time it suits him to, especially when it totally contradicts what he is saying otherwise.

 

As he is the one that is calling all the shots here, do you think he would provide you with the same support if the shoe were on the other foot, or would he still be saying that he needs his space, he wants to cut all ties etc, etc?

 

Because I feel like if there is no hope I'm basically a sad house mouse. This is my process but I would love to have an answer as to whether we can see each other again in the future or not. Taking more of a break meaning not having sex with other people. But he said he just wants to do what he wants. He said I tried to control everything and now he wants to control his own life. He said he's not looking to date or have sex, but he will do what he wants. He said he can't give me hope and he can't tell me there is no hope. He said he just doesn't know and that I have to make my decision whether we meet in July or not.

 

That's because he has created a situation where there is no hope. He is basically telling you he doesn't want you yet he will lean on you heavily when he needs your support. To draw you in when he needs you, he throws out breadcrumbs of hope by paying lip service to words that are nothing but contradictions and have no real intent. When you end a relationship with someone, you are also giving up all aspects of them … their friendship, their companionship, their SUPPORT. You can't pick and choose when you go back for it … and for what bits you go back for.

 

I'm not sure what he means by not looking to date or have sex but he will do what he wants. Does that mean if it comes his way or if it is offered to him on a plate he will date or have sex anyway? It begs the question how much support does this guy really need from you when he is already planning on having sex, should the opportunities arise. He will be off like a shot if someone else so much as flutters their eye lashes at him. Meanwhile, the one who has been supporting him will be pushed aside and forgotten … until the next time he needs that support.

 

Now, he wants to stay over. So is he going to respect you if you allow him to stay over and/or have sex with him? It doesn't sound like it because you aren't showing him that you are that independent, confident woman who doesn't need him because if you were "living happy by yourself" that is what you would be.

 

Yes he is crossing boundaries and he knows he is … but you haven't set any boundaries, so they are all to easy to cross. If he stays over, if he has sex with you, if you are there to "support" him as and when he needs it …. he will not respect you. And if there is no RESPECT, there is no CHANCE, according to him. Though, personally he is being such a selfish idiot that I would have lost all respect for him by now too.

 

Obviously I don't know what has happened that is so bad for him to need such support but if it is related to his past actions, don't you think it is about time he was made to face up to the consequences of his actions and choices. Otherwise he will go through life thinking that he can do what he wants, when he wants and everyone else can suffer the consequences or pick up the pieces … as you are doing now.

[VivvianeLee]

Thank you for all your advice. Want to see how right or wrong your advice was? I just made a new thread in Breaking Up. Under vivvianeLee. Please respond there. I need some major support.