The lightbulb finally turned on!

[t1lersm0m1]

I've used the word codependant for what my relationship with my mother is, but really, I never examined what that really means. I have a therapy appointment at 3:00. I plan to talk about everything that has happened in my life since I saw the therapist 1.5 years ago.

 

This is from a website:

 

A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems may include any of the following:

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An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.

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The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.

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The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness.

 

My Mom has mental illness, bullet point number three. My Mom has been addicted to alcohol and prescription drugs in the past, bullet point number one. I was molested and date raped in my past, bullet point number two. I've lived with my Mom and put up with her emotional abuse because I thought she needed me. But I need me. My 16 year old son needs me.

 

I went on to read the section about how codependant people act. One of the things is an inability to let go of a relationship. In the fall I went through a break up with Erik. Our relationship was dysfunctional, but I thought I could "fix" him. I thought with time he woudl get over his wife and love me. I thought I could help him with his self esteem since I once had low self esteem.

 

Now, out of my control, I've gone through a break up with a man who I loved, but who didn't please me in bed. If I find something to be a deal breaker in a relationship, I try to fix it. I talked to him about my unhappiness with our sex life at least 3-5 times since January. He had several excuses. I'm not saying our relationship will be over forever, or that maybe if I telll him how serious this is we can't work on it.

 

But a great person has kept saying to me that I need to stop focusing on others. I need to focus on me. The light bulb finally went off. I finally get it. I'm broken, and I need to fix ME. And until I fix me, I can't be in a healthy relationship. Maybe I did a good job of faking it with Rich for six months. Our relationship seemed healthy, but if I'm not healthy, could it be?

 

I'd love to get into Codependants Anonymous, but there are no meetings near me. I've thought about going to overeater's anonymous, because I eat my pain away, but always find excuses not to go.

 

I hope this therapy today is a step in the right direction.