My mom has absolutely no concept of boundaries

[oitnb]

As the title states, my mom doesn't comprehend personal boundaries one bit.

 

Most of the regular posters here know my story regarding my mom/family, but a brief overview : my dad cheated with her best friend, this sent my mom into a deep battle with prescription pill abuse, they broke up/got back together over and over again until they finally divorced a little over a year ago, mom moved out, dad moved in with gf (woman he had an affair with) and dad gave me the house. (It's all in his name) oh. And two of my dads girlfriends children are actually his biological kids from the affair. Yeah, my life is pretty much a soap opera lol.

 

But my mom is the main issue here. For one, I'm pretty sure she's still doing pills. No one stops a decade long battle over drugs without any help from a rehab or therapist. She supposedly stopped all on her own.

 

For two, she doesn't respect the fact that in all basic regards, this is my house now. My dad gave it to me and told me, for the most part, I have full control over what goes on here (so long as I don't go crazy). My main pet peeve regarding the house is every time she comes over here she cleans. No big deal right? No. She rearranges everything and puts stuff where it doesn't belong, throws things away I don't want thrown away, takes mail that doesn't belong to her, you get the idea. Every time she comes over I beg her not to clean, and she guilt trips me and gives me the big this was my house for years speech, many girls would die for there mom to clean for them, all that. She DOESNT take no for an answer. I would have to rip the broom mop whatever from her hands to stop her.

 

She feeds my dogs even when I told her they've already been fed. This is expensive because I feed them high quality dog food and can't afford feeding them multiple times when they don't need it. Same as cleaning, she doesn't take no for an answer and id have to rip the food bowl out of her hand.

 

She constantly drills me with question about my dad, his relationship, the kids. It's awkward. She pretends she's cool with it but I know she's just asking me so she can have ammo against my father.

 

Whenever she finds out I've been around my dad's girlfriend or the kids she gets mad. Like it's my fault for trying to make peace with everyone.

 

And the last big issue. My dad wants his girlfriends older daughter (not his kid) to move in as a roommate. She'd pay 300 a month and it'd go to me. This would be VERY helpful because soon I will be going to school full time and I've been struggling to find a weekend job. Not a lot of places want to hire for only Saturdays and Sundays. So, if she moved in, I could focus on my school and not have to stress a job, and use her rent money as my spending money. This is how my dad saw it as well.

 

But, if my mom found out I was considering moving the woman that in her eyes "stole" her husbands daughter into the house, it would be WORLD WAR THREE. My mom is kind of psychotic when it comes to my dad. The woman he's dating even had to press a restraining order against her. Just last week my mom sent a picture of my dad's new house to his phone, said I'm watching you, and threatened to blow the house up. So yeah. She doesn't exactly handle things maturely.

 

If you've read all of this, thank you. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to cut my mom out of my life, but I don't know what to do any more.

[mhowe]

You know that you have to stop letting her in the house!

If she wants to meet...meet her at a coffee shop.

 

She can't clean, take mail, feed dogs...if you don't open the door for her.

And if other woman moves in it will only get worse.

 

YOU have to establish boundaries with her!

[Kendahke]

I think you need to weigh which is more important: the $300 you will gain by having this roommate living there or doing without that money, being stressed to find work on the schedule you'll be on just to appease a controlling mother who hasn't gotten her act together.

 

You complained the other day about your mother doing something that you were thinking of turning her in over--like forging your name on something so she could get money for pills. I think it's time you had a "come to Jesus" talk with her and tell her that while, yes, it's true that that was her house, the operative word in that phrase is the past tense word "was"--meaning it is no longer her house. She left it and she has no legal say so about anything going on in it; your father gave it to you and possession is 9/10ths of the law. You will have whoever you wish to live there and pay rent as you see fit and if she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to step foot in YOUR house.

 

No more ratting out your dad to her. Tell her "I refuse to discuss dad with you any longer. If you cant' change the subject, then leave." Really. You have to put some steel in your spine.

 

There comes a time when you have to start treating with her like the toxic person she is. As long as she's jacked up on pills, she should not be welcomed around. She needs to go into rehab and perhaps it's time for an intervention with her.

[ParisPaulette]

Sorry, but you're going to have to stand up to your mom and if she throws a fit you show her to the door and if she gets too crazy call the cops. At some point you will have to draw a line in the sand and show her that the consequences of stepping over that line are painful enough she won't do it anymore. She's an addict, they don't understand boundaries until you show them with actions that you mean it and mean it hard. Also change the locks, so she can't get in. And I think I'd tell her it's off-limits for her to even come over for awhile until she shows you that she can be there and respect your wishes. If she goes to feed your dogs grab her purse and take money out and tell her, "If you insist on feeding them then it will be out of your own pocket," etc. I know that sounds crappy, but it is your house and your rules. Whenever your mom brings up your dad and starts to complain tell her to take it up with him and cut her short or ask her to leave.

 

In short, you are going to have to assert your adulthood. I know this sucks, but you weren't given a choice about your parents when you were born into the family. As an adult though, yes you have a full choice and responsibility to insist on boundaries. And the whole roommate thing would make me back away, not because of the mom but because it's more family and what are you going to do if this daughter of your dad's GF turns mean or parties or lies about you and doesn't pay the $300 or worse tries to get the house for herself? I would tell your dad you have enough family drama and issues with your mom as it is and no, she isn't moving in. OR you tell him if he can get your mom to not come over and freak out about it AND the girl signs a contract agreeing to your terms of what is okay and what isn't and your dad cosigns the contract, so that everyone understands the entire deal up front then you'll do it.

 

At some point you will need to start making your parents be accountable for their own actions and making them treat you as an adult, not a child they can control. Or it will continue to be WW III.

[shellyf62]

How is she getting into your house? Does she have a key? If so, change the locks immediately. It will be worth every cent.

If she doesn't have a key then stop inviting her over and stop letting her in.

She has proved time & time again that she cannot be the Mother you want or need, so you really, really, really need to stop letting her disrupt your life.

People treat you the way you let them, and you are letting her treat you like this. You need to get strong & stop letting her do this.

 

And PS: How does she find out that you are going over to your Father's house? Are you telling her or is she stalking you? This issue needs to be addressed too.

[oitnb]

Well now my dad is going to have to press a restraining order against her... And since the house I live in is legally still his place of residence, she won't be allowed here. So I guess that solves that issue?