Asking for advice in relationship with much older woman

[youngadult]

Hi. I am a man in his early twenties and I am living with a woman more than 25 years my senior. I came to eNotalone because it seems to me that (with some notable exceptions) people here are capable of both thinking out of the box and sensible, kind advice -- a combination I really need right now.

 

We have been together for a couple of years now and through some really deep and wonderful romance.... There was some (mild) shock in the immediate circle of friends when we got together, but it was easy for us to deal with that. Then, when our families came to know about the relationship, we discovered with some surprise that they were perfectly OK with it. We hardly ever fight and when we do, things get worked out soon; it's always been a matter of just talking them through. We have fun together and enjoy many of the same interests, I feel she's young at heart and she that I'm mature in mine; we are very close and intimate.

What is my problem then, you will say?

 

Well the problem is that even in the happiest moments, through all this wonderful time, I have to admit that our gap in age does cast its shadow, especially in the social sphere. Our problem was never those differences in development that some have pointed out in replies to similar situations; not that they don't exist, but we talk about them and get over them. It's mostly other people's reactions and beliefs and the challenge of being a couple out there in the "public world". The two of us don't have a lot of friends to start with, but of those, only some are common. The others sometimes don't even know we're together. I feel, uncomfortably, that I'm almost being secretive: not that I'm actively hiding anything, but it's hard sometimes to be upfront about my intimate life when I don't know if people will understand me as they certainly would, were she of my same age.

 

People we interact with when we're out and around together, in fact, never seem to see the possibility of us being a couple (not that I blame them for it, it just makes me feel like that part of me is by default unrecognized), and more likely assume we're mother and son. This after a fairly extended time is getting to be stressful. I am tired of the cliches, she's not my mother and I am not looking for one in her. It seems that this very large, profound and important part of my life, this relationship, is getting confined into a mostly private sphere because of its unusualness.

 

Inside I feel like we should be able to be a happy and functional couple of individuals with their own place in society, but the world seems to be saying "no, there are limits and rules, and they are objective and you don't fit them, so you can never be accepted". I'm sure a lot of it is caused by my own outlook on the situation, and part of it may even be just a projection, but it feels very real and has a weight nonetheless. Is there no remedy for this and am I just too weak to be unaffected?

 

Maybe I just need to "come out" more and make more and more supportive friends. Maybe that's why I'm writing. But most of all I think I'm feeling that this relationship has reached a point after 2 years where it needs to break through some sort of membrane and into a different level, and it's challenging.

 

Anybody has words for me? I am mostly looking for advice coming from similar experiences, although anything coming from an open mind and a kind heart is gladly accepted as well.

 

Need not apply: Anyone without the basic human qualities mentioned above, and ESPECIALLY: Christian ministers that believe the entirety of necessary "life instructions" to be contained in a book, and people dogmatic and afraid of physical contact enough to say "hugging is inappropriate for ANY teacher/student relationship" or narrow-minded and mean enough to offer "he should be dating someone in psychology class, not dating someone he reads about in psychology textbook" as advice to a parent of someone in an age gap relationship.

I really don't need or want to deal with such mentalities and their "well-meant advice", so I hope you know who you are and please STAY AWAY.

 

Thanks to everyone that has read this far and sorry for the lenght of the post: I needed to talk.

Best of luck in life to you all.

[sistaluv]

I am in a similiar situation. My boyfriend (fiance) and I are nine years apart (he is older). We have been together for more than three years. I often question myself why are we still together. All of his friends either are married or is dating a women close to their age. Except for his close friend who is think they are six years apart. I have only met two of his friends out of six. I don't know if he is purposly keeping me at home or if he feels its in my best interest to stay at home. I have several times brought it to his attention that he is always going to their house how come they never come here. Hey they all live at least 45 minutes away and in this day and time that is alot of gas one person is spending to just be with the guys. We do have a child together and even with that responsibility he finds a way to be with the guys. My family has accepted that he is the man that I love and want to be with. I just don't now if I have. I feel so out of place when we visit his parents. I am not the intelligent conversion type. They expect so much from me and I feel they should back-off and let me be me. Why is he with me I ask myself over and over and hope to soon have a true answer that I can accept. I really don't have much advice but to do what your heart feels. And I know sometimes that is not the right solution. I often pray to the one above and hope He will guide me through the right path. FYI there are couples out there experiencing somewhat emotional and mental feelings u are. I hope I have somewhat giving you some advice although being so young experiecing this for the first time i need advice for my own relationshi. Please don't give up and try your best to get with so positive friends. If it comes to and you have exhausted all options then you the man you are now exactly what you have to do.

 

So Long and Good Luck

Sistaluv

[sybdtiger]

Over the course of my too-long single life, I've been involved with women as much as 12 years younger and as much as 17 years older than me. And if you really wanna talk about trouble, I'm currently emotionally involved with a woman 23 years younger than me -- and she lives 5000 miles away. So I consider myself experienced in age-different relationships of all variety.

 

What it sounds like to me is that you're experiencing a sudden bout of cognitive dissonance, relative specifically to general social acceptance.

 

What author Arthur C. Clarke did to keep from having to deal with social contempt for his lifestyle choices was move to Sri Lanka.

 

I'm not suggesting that you need necessarily remove yourself so completely from your comfortable and familiar social environments -- but you do make what I consider a prescient point when you suggest that maybe you need to "come out" more and make more supportive friends. The fact is that you just aren't going to get a whole lot of affirmation or support from a whole lot of people out there. While it may seem to you that you're having to narrow your experience of life to accommodate the relationship, I think you could adjust your own attitude toward others much more easily than you could get them to adjust theirs toward you.

 

The other possibility to consider is that the cognitive dissonance is actually coming from a dissatisfaction with the unusualness of the relationship. At one point or another, any of us involved in unusual relationships find ourselves wishing for a "more normal" experience in social environments. And then, the question becomes: What do you want most out of your life? To be socially accepted? Or to be true to your heart? I think we can both list the great and famous people who courageously chose the latter -- and we both probably never heard of most of those who cowtowed to social expectations of the moment.

 

May the best of all possible outcomes be yours.

[youngadult]

Heartfelt thanks to both of you for your advice, I found it all really helpful. It's important to be reminded of these very simple things sometimes, it's funny to realize it, but we do forget them quite often it seems...ì

To sistaluv, I want to tell you to speak to your man about how you feel about his social behavior, not as a criticism but opening your heart to him... who knows he might begin to ask himself some of these questions... like I did.

 

Things for now are looking good enough, I realize I have to clarify my outlook and not cause some sort of change in the world outside, for the moment I go on with a sense of my own "cognitive dissonance" (that was exactly right), and we'll see where this road takes me... Again thank you for the advice, I got the message(s). And I'll keep reading for any additions.

 

Take care now and Good Luck!

[Ingrid]

I have noticed that, when you are in a good relationship, it is rather hard to find good friends. I was in a relationship with my former bf for 4 years and we were the "perfect couple" (with respect to all the factors that people consider important : age wise, both good looking and successful). But I noticed that most of our couple friends were rather jealous of us, our former friends abandoned us. My single girlfriends who were in more or less mediocre relationships, always organized activities for girls only and always tried to push me to betray him (invited male gogo dancers to all girls parties, organized parties with single guys) because they were involved in bad relationships. My ex's male friends acted the same, telling him always that he was spendign too much time with me, always inviting him alone to do men's stuff, always trying to separate us. I really believed they were sexist and that they hated women, until the day we broke : suddenly all these guys were calling ME, and none of them called my ex to comfort him. So that's friendship!

 

It would be nice for you two to find good supportive friends, but it is not the easiest thing to do. At least you have each other!

 

Take care

[t-dog]

I understand your problem. My husband is 19 years older than me. We have a great relationship, never fight, deeply understand and respect eachother. But the problem is, we don't exist in a vaccuum. We don't have a lot of friends either...we mainly hang out with eachother, but when I go out with him to his parties (he's a politician, so most of his parties and events are with suit-types) I feel like a trophy-wife. I'm not one, but I feel like I don't belong. On his side, when he comes and hangs out with my friends (I moved to be with him and they all live far away) he doesn't have much to say to them. They're all artsy/bohemian types who he thinks are "living under their potential." My friends all love him and his friends love me, but we don't exactly live in each other's worlds.

 

It's hard. Sometimes solving the age-difference problem is just about letting go of the need to be accepted by others and fit into a mould. Other times, the age-difference problem could mask other problems in the relationship. Only you can decide. The heart works in mysterious ways and we don't end up falling for the person everyone thinks we "should." That's OK.

 

We have to teach others to respect the choices we make. It wasn't so long ago that it was considered taboo for a black person and a white person to be together. We're still struggling with same-sex relationships in our society. But the more people come out being proud of the person they're with, the more others will accept you.

 

There's another great forum you should check out link removed

 

best.