Why is it still so hard after 8 months?!

[kwt]

My bf of 8 months broke up with me. He was my first boyfriend. he said "We are comfortable but it doesnt mean it's gonna go anywhere." He said he originally planned to just let it fade away. He said he has been thinking for a few weeks and that I was getting obsessed with the relationship, and we hadnt met up for two weeks anyway. Originally I didnt feel too bad about the BU. I wasn't sure if he's the guy I want to marry anyway, I thought he was unappreciative and taking my efforts for granted, some of our values are different.

 

However, at time goes by I started realizing how I might have driven him away in the end. I have talked/bickered about things which I now found trivial. like drunk calling and waking me up at middle of night, (and said who let me make rules , drama queen, I am better off with no one calling), about him being too last minutes about plans at times which when I couldnt make it (or I got plans with my family already), he "joked" about "needing two gf". He prob think I was being controlling, and wasnt there for him enough. The only time we had a face-to-face "fight" was one month before the BU, which I told him that "I am always the one who come all the way over to your place (I need to travel an hour) and I am making an effort here to make it work, and I feel like I wasnt being appreciated when you are playing with your phone." now i realized I was bit emotional or dramatic for leaving the place to talk to my friend on phone and cried a bit before hand, since he was acting cold. After I finished saying it, he was pissed saying that "you come to tell me this? I told you I dont want to talk about it and you said you wont. You dont have to come, you can leave. I do what I want to do. Maybe you should not date, this is not fun. you ruined my weekend." It hurt but I just said "ok I wont talk about it anymore". he just asked me to pick a movie to watch, we were a bit distant the next morning but everything was fine by night. I was still a bit upset for what he said for days afterwards. During that following week, I bickered twice about things which I now realized it's no big deal, when we were texting, for a few lines, he called me a drama queen or asked me to relax, and then I stopped.

 

Also I now think he might actually care about me or appreciate me and I just misunderstood him and blew up chances in the end:

 

He said he's thought for a few weeks before the actual BU. He sorta justify why I talked about the phone thing or being emotional that time (asking if I was having the bad week, which I did tell him before, and told me "feel better kid, please be happy", then said he was drinking followed by crazy drunk text, and led me later that night to say "I thought u meant it when u asked me to be happy but then you are just drunk." and of course he called me a drama queen which now I agree)

 

He still asked me to hang out until after one time he said I am "unsupportive" (I told him I would text him to see if he really woke up early the next day, since he drunk texted me at 2am saying he will wake up really early to go to the gym before meeting me, he said how I was a good support and "why did I date you haha". I said he doesnt seem to wake up early after drinking except for work and he said I really dont know him well. I said I am not gonna talk about it and then ask him to have fun at gym and good night. He did make me wait for 2 hours on the street because he couldnt wake up before, But why couldnt I just say "ok" and then back to sleep?!). We still met up that day, he was the one texting me to confirm the time for meet up. The week after that, I asked him to hang out twice, he sorta seemed fine with it. And then he started getting distant.

 

Now, we see each other once in a while because of climbing events that we both go to. If we talk, it would be him starting it. On valentine's day, I was chilling at a bar with my friend, He said hi to me when we passed his table on our way out. Later he come outside, talk to me a bit first, before leaving to find his friends but also told me which bar he was heading to and said I should come when I feel bored (which I didnt). Most of the days I am fine, it's just whenever I come accross lines with "dramatic"/"drama queen", "crazy", "controlling", "unsupportive" it makes me think of the stupid things or stuff I said. Moreover, my ocassional disagreements with my parents and them nagging me, making a fuss of things make me realized how I might have messed up before, like I now know why my ex hated me so.

 

It's already 8 months, and I know it's unhealthy. I know going out, meeting new people, socializing can help but I also got finals to worry about.

[Bek Peach]

I'm going through the same thing, kinda. My break up has made me realize a lot about my actions and how I was with my ex ... I acted, perhaps, similarly to you ... but you can't let it defeat you, or keep you attached to your ex, when you're both apart for some reason you'll probably realize in a couple of years. But I plan to use this time of self discovery to my advantage. I want to get back with my ex, but in the mean time I plan to use this time to learn and analyse my actions and how we could have avoided fights over trivial things ... and, I don't know if my ex and I will get back together ... perhaps things ended between us as some sort of learning curve ... people come and go out of your life for a reason, they teach you things ... maybe this is the lesson you have to learn too, like I am, that this experience, even though it's super hard, is going to make me a better person in a relationship for the next person I meet and I won't make the same mistakes again, but I also won't let someone make me act not like myself because of the way they treat me. I know this is a long, probably confusing response ... but I hope you can see the message I am trying to tell you in all my rambling

[kwt]

I get what you mean. Treat this as an opportunity for self-reflect or as a lesson to be a better person.

I know I can be emotional (actually more after dating and def after break-up, and after arguing with my parents), and I know I could have done better. I keep feeling stupid for being such a bad person, and why I didnt realize it when I was still in the relaitonship (at that time I thought I was fine, that the things I talked about was justified.)

I dunno if it's because at that time I somehow got the idea of him not really that caring in the back of my mind (I prob may have just read into things too much), so I became biased/emotional easily? or when I expressed to him my concerns or thoughts of his actions or things he said (maybe I could have done it in a better way), he always just called me drama queen or I need to relax and then I feel like he wont listen. or hoped to actually talked about the matter on phone or face to face instead of talking about it thru texting, he wouldnt want to. They prob make me snowballing and definitely didnt help with the situation.

And now that I got dumped, it just makes me feel like I must be the wrong one (my friends said he's not good anyway. he did wrong. but I just dun see it!). One month after the BU we met up so I could get my stuff back, he suggested getting a drink and catch up. In the middle, he asked me how I was using the new freedom. It makes me further think I was the bad one, probably being controlling, crazy, or suffocating him.

I always thought I was being caring to him, I put effort into the relationship, that I was doing things right. But I probably just sucked, at least I bet that's what he thinks.

I know we wont be back together. Not like I would beg (I didnt beg when he broke up with me because I told myself I have to be strong in front of him or at least act like it), and I bet he's very happy with me gone.

It just sucks...

[Bek Peach]

Nah, don't think like that (though I do think the same way about myself) ... you just reacted to the way he was treating you. You loved him and did everything to show it, and he probably acted differently and subconsciously you were picking up those signals. Feeling that, perhaps, he wasn't as into it as you were. Well, I guess that may be how you feel? I had a moment at the end of our relationship, when I looked back and saw myself as a monster, kinda, for the way I had acted. I feel like in the end I became really demanding. But then I think, would I have acted that way without provocation? Would you have? People only become demanding when their needs aren't being met, and I think you, like me, weren't making crazy demands in the relationship. Just needing to feel like you're truly loved and needing the person you're with to make you feel that way. The one mantra that helps me at the moment is: good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together. And now, you're gonna have the know all the right things to say and do, and you'll know true love when it finds you because you'll know how to decipher which person is right for you (because they're as into it as you are) and which person is wrong with you (because they won't make you act like a crazy person) Trust me, it wasn't you.

[sharky988]

It's still hard 8 months later because you're still in contact with him!

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

[kwt]

He said I was getting obsessed with the relationship. I was thinking why he would say that since the last few weeks we only met up like twice a week, and I didnt ask for more. I never really bombed his phone. So I dunno if he said I was obsessed because I would read into things happening in the relationship, or bickered/talked about things I didnt like about it, get emotional/dramatic (as he would love to call me a drama queen) about it.

 

And I have read somewhere saying a girl should not control a guy for playing games. And that time when we "fight", I was the one talking to him about him from time to time play with his phone games when I was always the one traveling to his place to spend time with him (I travel an hour, sometimes have to ditch my folks, and that time I prepared so much for his bday night and he's on the phone by himself for 1.5 hours ignoring me?), and he thinks I am critizing him, but apparently the game thing is a norm lol

 

There were two guys who have shown interest in me before. One I realized just wanted to get laid so I stopped finding him. Another one was a nice, decent guy, but I felt like it missed a spark or the chemistry I used to have with my ex, or partly because I still compared guys with my ex back then, I wasnt sure and he getting clingy so I stopped finding him.

 

Now I am hoping to date again, but I just havent got the chance to meet new people because of my school work. And I sometimes wonder when will I meet someone who I got the chemistry with, who I would love to be with and at the time want to be with me Will I be able to fall for someone easily again (last time was my first relationship so I did fall for him very easily, and he was doing everything right when chasing after me)

[DanM]

It has been 6 months for me, and I still have crappy days/moments every week or so. Try not to think about how long it has been, just try and think about what you can do for yourself today, and accept that you will feel better when the time comes. I told myself that I would feel better after a month, when that didn't happen I was upset and said ok fine two months! Then when that didn't happen I was upset again. Haha it is almost funny looking back at it now, but wow I was beating myself up so much. A good friend told me that I have to be kinder to myself and that was probably the best advice I have gotten so far. I am the type to ruminate and beat myself up, so I think simply being kind to yourself can work wonders. Again don't put timetables on yourself, just let it be and let yourself grow at your own pace.

[kwt]

I do think I am also the type to ruminate and beat myself up. And my friends also told me that I was doing with the best I could so I shouldnt feel guilty and have any regrets. And my friends told me he's not treating me that well anyway and I didnt do anything wrong (though I see it differently?).

I try telling myself the things that I did or say was in reaction to what he did or said to me, and I remember me bringing the phone thing up I was hoping to be reasured that he cares or loves me (which obviously didnt go well), but then I realize I could have reacted better, like better usage of words (not that I ever called him names or be rude, but I could have made it sounds less like nagging), or at least think it through my mind whether I should say anything about it (then I may have learned to shut up), and not crying in front of him

 

My friends say it's fine and normal to tell your boyfriend when there's something you don't like, one of my friend even said shedding some tears can help you bring your point lol (though I didnt do it intentionally that time). But then it was after BU then I realize/learn that guys dont like drama or emotional girl, like at the beginning they would be fine with it, then they would ignore it, then they would be annoyed by it and thinks they are better off by breaking up. I wish someone has told me about it, or he would talk to me about him hating it ( I should have took all the "drama queen" replies or that time him saying "we are not talking sh*t" as warnings, but I was so blinded and those "drama queen"s or saying we wont talk sh*t doesnt make me feel better

[bluevacuum]

Listen to your friends, they will tell you the truth. If you're putting all the effort in the relationship and setting boundaries while he isn't putting much effort or respecting those boundaries, it doesn't seem like you two were compatible in the long run. Also, you shouldn't be talking to an ex who you have feelings for. You're setting yourself up to be the bad guy here when you're not. You may be 8 months from the breakup but you're still in contact with him. You're setting yourself back and making the healing process more turbulent than it needs to be.

 

This is one of the hardest things to do in life, but you gotta let him go forever. The connection you made was special to you, accept it. Time to let go.

[kwt]

Listen to your friends, they will tell you the truth. If you're putting all the effort in the relationship and setting boundaries while he isn't putting much effort or respecting those boundaries, it doesn't seem like you two were compatible in the long run. Also, you shouldn't be talking to an ex who you have feelings for. You're setting yourself up to be the bad guy here when you're not. You may be 8 months from the breakup but you're still in contact with him. You're setting yourself back and making the healing process more turbulent than it needs to be.

 

This is one of the hardest things to do in life, but you gotta let him go forever. The connection you made was special to you, accept it. Time to let go.

 

I realized the presence of our chat history makes it easier for me to look back at things we said and analyzing whether I have read too much into things that time, or realized how i should have shut up instead. So I know I have to delete it. I just did, and it's just...gone

[DanM]

That is good! I was looking back at my chat history as well, and it just made it that much harder to figure out. Especially because we pretty much got back together in January, and the things she was saying made it feel like we really were on our way to getting back to together and happy. Looking at those messages every week was like cutting open an old wound over and over. Sometimes you just can't figure it out, and at this point I think not knowing exactly why she broke it off might be better than knowing (she lives away at school so who the heck knows what really went on). Anyway kwt, if your friends think you did the best you could then take their word for it, I know looking back that I spoiled my ex and was always the first to be there for her and defend her when she needed it, so I have really started getting tired of feeling guilty over a few mistakes I made, we all make them, and quite honestly she made more than I did and then quit on me as soon as things weren't 100 % perfect. I hope you reach that point where you get tired of guilt-tripping yourself soon.