Sadgirl782 Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 We lived together for 2 years... I suddenly got the whole 'I need to work on my self alone' excuse, I got dumped and he moved out a couple weeks ago. He had recently got a new job at a restaurant and things progressively got worse, he became more and more distant. When I asked if he was ending it because he met someone else he swore up and down that he hadn't. I've been a mess, was just out having dinner with a friend a few nights ago at my favorite restaurant and in he walks with the 19yr old hostess he works with for some 'to go'. Something we did quite often.. He later sent me an apology for lying and wishes me the best in finding someone new as well.. I'm so torn up...I can't eat, sleep or think. I knew in my gut he had already met someone before he even ended it with me but seeing it was like getting hit by a truck... I'm going crazy Link to comment
laninaperdida Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 Why do people always think when their partner vocalizes they want to work on themselves it's an excuse? It's probably the honest truth, but because of smothering & poor communication it ends up being what people say when they finally want out. What I'm getting @ is it wasn't an excuse per se... It's probably been a very real issue for a very long time. His choice of employment indicates he was feeling isolated. Unless he's a real foodie, a restaurant is a SOCIAL place to work. You meet new people... Open new doors, etc. It's not about new girls, just new PEOPLE. In your case he met someone new, but it seems like she just happened to be @ his new place of empoyment. She fits into his wants for everything NEW. (New job, new apartment, new girlfriend.) If he were thinking about a future with you I doubt this would have been where he was dropping off resumes, you know? It takes TIME to get a new job... He's been planning this. Your gut was right, take comfort in that, I suggest you parrot him & do new things. You don't need to get a new job or a new boyfriend, but your old life is done &bover with. Try something new, You'll get through this & things will get better. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 Ugh, I hate that. The fact is he'd already decided in his head to move on most likely before he met the hostess. Minus points on him for being dishonest about it and yes, he was dishonest about it. Even if he was trying to tell himself it wasn't about the hostess you know it was. I wouldn't respond to anything he says. The fact is if he really had loved you he wouldn't have been so easily swayed by someone he met at his job. Just block and delete him, heal and move on. Don't respond if he gets dumped on his head though and comes crawling back or you'll end up having the same thing happen again. It just hurts no matter how it all goes down, but at least this way you know the truth about him and his lack of honesty. It wasn't probably anything you did or would ever have been able to do in the relationship. He sounds not really ready to have a serious relationship and was already in doubt about it all or like I said it wouldn't have been so easy for him to decide to trade you for the new and shiny. Don't take this on yourself, but just work on healing and having an amazing life full of new activities and friends. When you've had a bit of distance and time away from him you'll be able to look back and likely see the red flags and the warning signs that were there before he ever got the new job that this wasn't going to be a long-term relationship. Use that information and experience in finding someone better who won't care how many 19-year-olds there are in the world, because they aren't you. Link to comment
MisUnderstood9 Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 Thats a sucky way to find out that your gut was right along but, in the end you were right and be glad he ended it before hand and you didnt catch him cheating. Time to take it as it is. Focus on yourself, who you are as a person and who you want to be in life. Pick up a new hobby, see friends and have fun! It will get better!! Link to comment
Heather Dawn Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 Could not disagree more, laninaperdida! People don't apply to jobs based on the social factor. My guy used to cook for a living because he loves to cook. He gave it up before we met because the lifestyle is crazy (odd, long hours, lots of partying that he grew out of), so now he cooks at home for me. But his time in the restaurant industry was due to his love of food, not because he wanted to meet people. Your reply is going to scare anyone whose partner gets a job at a restaurant! Link to comment
laninaperdida Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 Could not disagree more, laninaperdida! People don't apply to jobs based on the social factor. My guy used to cook for a living because he loves to cook. He gave it up before we met because the lifestyle is crazy (odd, long hours, lots of partying that he grew out of), so now he cooks at home for me. But his time in the restaurant industry was due to his love of food, not because he wanted to meet people. Your reply is going to scare anyone whose partner gets a job at a restaurant! I specifically said, unless someone is a foodie there's a reason they choose the restaurant industry... for all of the reasons you just said. It proves my point even more when you said he gave it up. WHY? Because he was preparing to exit (not entre) that social, party, long hours type of lifestyle. If readers get scared, that's too bad for them, lol. There's a reason people choose to work where they work. The type of restaurant also plays a huge factor, though. If it's fine dining with an older crowd the other partner has no real reason to worry, but if it's a trendy spot in which the waitresses are a 10 well... worry. Link to comment
Heather Dawn Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 I specifically said, unless someone is a foodie there's a reason they choose the restaurant industry... for all of the reasons you just said. It proves my point even more when you said he gave it up. WHY? Because he was preparing to exit (not entre) that social, party, long hours type of lifestyle. If readers get scared, that's too bad for them, lol. There's a reason people choose to work where they work. The type of restaurant also plays a huge factor, though. If it's fine dining with an older crowd the other partner has no real reason to worry, but if it's a trendy spot in which the waitresses are a 10 well... worry. OK, you may have a point...lol. Link to comment
Sadgirl782 Posted March 17, 2014 Author Share Posted March 17, 2014 Thank you ladies, I see one red flag now.. He had worked in the restaurant business for years but had just quit it before we started dating... He said he didn't like the toll the long hours took on his personal life and was burnt out on the partying.. When he took this new job his reasoning was A) This time its a high end fine dining place (more money) and would only be part time and B) to allow us to take those future trips we were always talking about, particularly the one we had planned to San Francisco and the red wood forest in April I had a chance to meet many of his coworkers. Some were mature, intelligent people with a real passion for food and wine and an interest in the intricacies of running a successful high end restaurant.. And many of these people were able to balance that passion with healthy long-term relationships. The other half were immature college kids and teens (mostly the hostesses and bussers) just making a few extra bucks in a fun environment that involved the perks of a social 'party' environment. My ex was a head waiter....in his early 30's but clearly fell into the latter Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Okay, so not to be judgmental here, but when I read that your ex is in his 30s and dating a 19-year-old my first thought was, "EEEEWWWWW!" Sorry, I think you really dodged a bullet there. Yeah, I know she's of age, but socially, emotionally and maturity-wise they're so far apart that this is going to bite him in the butt when he gets older and she's like, "Wait, what am I doing with an old dude like him?" And then leaves him for someone younger. Truthfully it sounds like he's sort of desperate to recapture his youth and at the age of 30 it's just sort of sad that he's at that stage of the game already. Think about it. Yeah, I'm being a bit mean about it all, but maybe it'll make you smile.You in the meantime will heal and get to lead a fabulous life with someone who really is able to handle a woman on his own emotional and maturity level. Link to comment
Sadgirl782 Posted March 18, 2014 Author Share Posted March 18, 2014 Haha. I'm going to train myself to picture a yuck old perv every time I think of him. And I'll say a prayer for her to wise up sooner than later. Link to comment
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