The turning point -- long

[trishcollins]

I know you are all wondering WHEN you will get to the point you are over your "ex". Sometimes it happens over a long period of time, or like me, it will hit you like a brick. I am OVER my ex.

 

What happened? Well, as you all know, I mailed a letter to my "ex" 10 days ago, on the advice of my counseller (see my "letter to the ex" post), and received a response via snail mail two days ago. The letter stated how much he appreciated the letter I sent him, that he will always love me, and that he only has good memories of our time together. He says I was a determined, smart woman with a heart of gold. He went on to say that he wants me to start dating again, because "life is too short and you have too much to offer some lucky person". Well, I read the letter and when I was finished, I had a good cry and then I called him.

 

We talked for about an hour. At first, just general things, like his kids, and my horses and my trip to Australia. He says he thinks of me all the time and misses me, but knows he has to remain where he is for many years, because his son needs him. He is sorry about everything that happened, and wished it could have been different.

 

He said nothing he had not said before, so I was surprised that half-way through this converstation, I realized I know longer want to be with him. So, what happened? Well, I suddenly realized how controlling he is and how much he lives his life in denial and in "air-tight" compartments. He is incapable of dealing with difficult issues and does not see that not dealing with his wife's death or helping the kids deal with it, will simply cause them problems in the long run. I did not tell him this, as he just doesn't "get it".

 

He was telling me he felt his daughter deep down feels bad about the way she reacted (to me), and I could not believe that he stills sees her behaviour to me as THE problem, and NOT the fact that she was behaving out of hurt and pain over losing her mother and her father dating again so soon, and NO one was dealing with that. He does not see that ignoring this will only help her develop relationship issues in the future, as her method of dealing with difficult things will become lashing out at others. She will end up angry and resentful. I did NOT tell him this either, as I realize that if he doesn't get it now, he never will.

 

He talked about his son doing so poorly in school and being very immature for a 17 year old, and he is worried about his future, and feels he won't be able to be on his own for many years to come. Again, he is ignoring the base-cause of these symptoms and simply chalking it up to "that's the way he is", not the fact that his son lost his mother two years ago.

 

At that point, I told him that I would no longer be trying to change his mind about us, that he is the type of guy that once he makes up his mind about something, that there was no changing it, and I was tired of hitting my head against a brick wall. I thought back to all the major decisions that were made in our relationship and realized he made them all.

 

I also told him that as far as dating goes, I have to be in the right headspace to start dating again, or it's not fair to me or the other person. That was a nod for how quickly he started dating me after his wife's death. I did tell him I would be dating again, when I was ready to commit to someone 100%, but I would have to be in a "happy" place, and wasn't quite there yet.

 

I told him that I hoped he really would think hard before starting to date again, given why our relationship ended - his kids -- and he said something about "not a good idea for a long time", but given his complete and utter disregard of the real problem, he will probably be out there again in six months.

 

I started to realize just how inflexible and controlling he was and is, and how I was never really part of any of the decision making process, nor was I ever considered a full family member. If I had been, he would have realized I could have been there to help them all. But, as soon as the going got tough, he turned tail and ran. I think his son would have greatly benefited by having a stable home enivronment with two caring parents. He now has learned that the people he cares about, just leave. I told my ex that I missed his son a great deal, and he said "he misses you too".

 

I think the clincher for me was when we talked about "why" he named his company after the village I live in, three months AFTER we split. He said he did it to keep the memories of our happy times together. What was I, a trip to Disney or something???

 

Anyway, at the end of the conversation, with both said "I still love you", but suddenly, I felt a huge burden off my shoulders. I was no longer pining for his return. No longer imagining him meeting me at the airport when I return, or showing up at my house one day next year to propose. I told him not to be a stranger, and to call if he wanted, but frankly if he didn't, it wouldn't matter to me anymore. He told me to have a great trip and tell him all about it when I get back. I have no intention.

 

I guess what really happened is for the first time, I saw him WITHOUT the halo on. He really doesn't "get it" and never will. He is closed off completely to his feelings, incapable of dealing with difficult issues, and completely controlling, regardless of what he says about "if it were up to me". It was ALWAYS up to him. He sees things in black and white and there is no grey area as far as he in concerned.

 

Finally, I thought that if he ever did show up in three years when the kids were gone, I would never take him back. Why? Because that means he still doesn't get it. And if he tried to come back sooner, he would have to show me he finallly has recognized the problems and is willing to work on resolving them together. I can't be part of a relationship where the person cannot let you in and help with the bad and the good. That's EXACTLY the way our relationship was for almost two years. It has taken me until now to realize just how seggregated he managed to keep his kids and myself.

 

I really just feel sorry for him now. He will never understand how much I could have helped him and the kids. He thinks he is doing the right thing by ignoring the problems and simply cutting himself off from his feelings. He is a fool, and I am glad to be rid of him.

 

So, I am done. I am looking forward to starting up with someone new when the time is right.

 

So, there you have it. It can happen to everyone, and have faith, you WILL get over your ex at some point. I did.

[arwen]

Hey Trish,

 

Congratulations with your EX-piration day! I am happy for you that you feel better now. The letter was a good idea, it made you find closure. I would recommend that to anyone who doesn't find closure. I found closure by seeing my long term ex and finding out the complete truth about what happened. It was years after we broke up. It hurt. But soon after that I felt much better and free. He still tries to contact me out of spite and guilt, I think. I have chosen not to contact him anymore. I feel good about myself and dealt with later breakups much better!

 

 

 

Ilse.

[RayKay]

That is great trish! I am very happy for you that you had your point of realization! I remember very well the day that happened to me with my last ex. And since that first time, I have had some "reinforcements" of it as well on other days.

 

Mine was a bit different, though also similar to yours. After months of hurt and being friends with him, and after we had had a small fight where he just showed me how selfish he was, I all of a sudden realized that I was absolutely and totally emotionally exhausted. I had nothing left anymore to give! Just nothing. And I realized that I had done everything I could, and that was all I could do, and knowing that I had not given up, that NOW I could walk away and take care of myself. I remained friends with him still, but the friendship felt more pure. It was no longer hard to do, I just felt RELIEVED.

 

Since then, other instances where I see who he is (since we are friends) and that is a very lost boy who has to grow up and mature, or where I see how we are in such different places, and more importantly where I see how it SHOULD be and how I SHOULD be treated and loved only reinforce it.

 

I still love my ex, but I have definitely moved on and honestly would never get together with him again. I think we are soulmates, but only as friends maybe...that was the way it was meant to be. We have something special, but it was not meant to be in love. Who I am with now might very well be that one soulmate who can also be my partner in love.

 

And now, I have healed, and moved on, my ex is still my very good friend, but I have a new relationship which is very promising, he treats me very well and gives every indication that he truly is falling for me and the relationship with my ex is now part of the past...with lessons learned, and not one I regret, but part of the past.

[Mentor]

So, there you have it. It can happen to everyone, and have faith, you WILL get over your ex at some point. I did.

 

Congratulations on finding the closure that we all need to help us move on from a relationship as a better person. It sounds like you have learned a great deal about yourself through this, and also how to step back and clearly understand the actions/feelings of your romantic partner as well. I am sure that these skills will help you in your next relationship.

 

As a point of curiosity, did you initiate councelling because of this relationship? If so, do you intend to continue it, or are you going to let that relationship complete its course as well? Feel free to PM me about this, or tell me to mind my own business if it is too personal. I am asking because I have started councelling because of my own extreme reaction to the end of my last relationship, and wonder when and how I will break it off....

[trishcollins]

As a point of curiosity, did you initiate councelling because of this relationship? If so, do you intend to continue it, or are you going to let that relationship complete its course as well?

 

Hi,

 

Sorry for the delay, I am now in Tasmania. I started counselling long before I even started the relationship -- two years before. I went because ironically, I couldn't keep a relationship going more than a few months I was trying to understand what I was doing wrong.

 

I worked on improving myself and making sure I wasn't picking the wrong people. When I met my ex, I told my counsellor about him. I said that logistically, it could be hard as he had just lost his wife and lived far enough away that it meant commuting for some time. I was in a position where I couldn't easily move, so I didn't want to get into something that would end because of geography. I also said he was the most together person I had met so far, so I wasn't sure what to do.

 

My counsellor suggested that I proceed with caution, that he had not grieved for his wife, and could at some point, and to be prepared for that, but I could help him go through it. But she told me not to use that as a put-off, and to give it a chance if I felt he was worth it.

 

I also "graduated" from counselling at that point, although I had returned a few times during our relationship to try and deal with the situation with his daughter. I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing. He accompanied me once, so my counsellor met him.

 

Her take on him is he is suffering from PTSD and is currently incapable of getting in touch with his own feelings, so he is choosing to ignore them completely. No amount of me trying to tell him this or help him has made any bit of difference.

 

It's sad, but I can see that running away is how he handles difficult situations, and he is unlikely to change. She said their is no doubt that he loves me, but he just feels he has let everyone down and figures he is doing what is the best for everyone. He only sees it in black and white and there is no middle ground.

 

Anyway, I continue to go to counselling now, just once a month. My counsellor says I am doing fine and that I am doing all the right things - grieving the proper amount and going through the right stages, and says that I will be fine eventually. I also know that although I am not ready to start dating again right now, that when the time is right, I will know.

[Mentor]

Hi Trish,

 

Thanks for getting back to me You are a long way from home! How is Tasmania? I would love to see it one day.....

 

Your situation is so frustrating to me. I have to hand it to you, you are dealing with it very well, after a lot of hard work and pain I am sure.

 

Your reasons for getting into counselling are similar to my own. I seem to be drawn to emotionally unavailable women. Some intentionally, some I only seem to discover once I am committed. I started as a result of my recent breakup. We are still in a crisis management stage, as I was not taking the breakup well, internally at least. Eventually I want to set some goals and timelines. This is why I asked my question. I don't want this to be open-ended, and I was curious how you structured the therapy.

 

Thanks for your help, and best wishes!

[trishcollins]

I seem to be drawn to emotionally unavailable women. Some intentionally, some I only seem to discover once I am committed.

 

Yes, the tough part is trying not to be too closed off to the next person you meet, trying not to find things wrong with them to avoid getting hurt. I guess it can't be helped. I wrote in my journal early in our relationship that I was worried it would all end over geographic logistics and the fact that he had moved on so quickly from the loss of his wife. In a way, it was a self-fulfillng prophecy. However, I can't let that stop me from trying again. It's harder each time, as you find yourself more and more aware of signs.

 

When I met my ex, I was thinking back to my previous ex, who had only recently been dumped by his girlfriend. He wasn't ready to move on, and I was basically his transitional person. When that ended I swore I would NEVER get involved with someone so recently out of a serious relationship, especially one that they had not ended. And yet, 5 years later I met my current ex, who was in EXACTLY the same position, and I went out with him anyway. I told him my concerns up front and that I wanted to take it slowly. He, on the other hand, was moving so fast that by the end of two months, we were looking at property to buy together.

 

What I didn't want to believe was that he was still running away from his pain, and I was merely a distraction for him. What I choose to believe instead was that he really loved me and that this was meant to be and if something is meant to be, there is no such thing as too fast. I can never doubt his love for me, but I think he exhausted himself running away from his pain, that when he finally stopped to catch his breath, he realized he was in over his head. Unfortunately, I was the one that got "cut" as a result. When he realized he just couldn't cope with it all -- his daughter's distress, maintaining two homes, his son's falling behind at school, his in-laws poisoning his kids about me, the lawsuit with the hospital, etc.

 

I just hope he uses this time wisely, and spends the next few years dealing with his issues and healing, but given his track record, he will likely be out there again in six months, believing that if he can meet someone who can more easily "fit" into his circumstances (closer geographically, no real ties to anything) that it will work out. It's sad really, because at the end of the day, if he does that, he will never resolve any issues or heal, he will just exhaust himself running away again. He needs to heal and be in a position to commit 100% and when he is, geographic location and ties to things will not even be a consideration.

 

This is so typical of him, but when I spoke to him on the phone last week, he complained about a pain in his arm he feels is the result of a bad fall on the ice last spring. He says it bothers him when he is doing weights at the gym and he complained he was unable to lift as much weight as he thought he should. I asked him if he had seen a doctor, and he sad no, and I told him he should and he said, it wasn't that bad and he wasn't going to worry about it. I said he should have it looked at -- it could be a bone chip or a hairline fracture, and could become more serious if left untreated. The EXACT same way he deals with everything. It was a "lightbulb" moment for me.

 

Tasmania is beautiful, and I would highly recommend it to everyone.

[Mentor]

Hi Trish,

 

Yes, the tough part is trying not to be too closed off to the next person you meet, trying not to find things wrong with them to avoid getting hurt.

 

...

 

However, I can't let that stop me from trying again. It's harder each time, as you find yourself more and more aware of signs.

 

Nah, somehow I am not giving up on love, or on myself 8) It seems that neither are you

 

When I met my ex, I was thinking back to my previous ex, who had only recently been dumped by his girlfriend. He wasn't ready to move on, and I was basically his transitional person. When that ended I swore I would NEVER get involved with someone so recently out of a serious relationship, especially one that they had not ended. And yet, 5 years later I met my current ex, who was in EXACTLY the same position, and I went out with him anyway.

 

I don't know. Is this really a deep rooted problem with us? Or is it more of a reflection of how hard it is to find a good person who has all of the qualities that we are looking for? Almost everyone longs to be in a loving relationship. If in our search we find someone who is on the rebound, or emotionally unavailable, but otherwise everything that we are looking for, how can anyone fault us for trying? If we look for that "perfect" person in every way, we risk being alone for the rest of our lives. That is what I worry about with Lisa. As another member here said once, she seems to have set the bar impossibly high. Surely we have to compromise in some areas...but maybe some things are non-negotiable?!? I'm confused Why can't love be easy for me/us? We are good people, right?

 

I just hope he uses this time wisely, and spends the next few years dealing with his issues and healing, but given his track record, he will likely be out there again in six months, believing that if he can meet someone who can more easily "fit" into his circumstances (closer geographically, no real ties to anything) that it will work out. It's sad really, because at the end of the day, if he does that, he will never resolve any issues or heal, he will just exhaust himself running away again. He needs to heal and be in a position to commit 100% and when he is, geographic location and ties to things will not even be a consideration.

 

I feel the same way with Lisa. Rather than facing her feelings from her broken engagement, she ran away from them. Now she can't open up to anyone. Rather than take some time to grieve our relationship, she was dating again after 1 week. I want her to be happy, to find love. She is a great person, and I worry about her. I have come to the realization that even though I love her, how she now chooses to move forward is none of my business.

 

Tasmania is beautiful, and I would highly recommend it to everyone.

 

You aren't a kayaker, are you? It is quite a sea-kayaking destination.

 

Have fun, and get home safe!

 

Ian

[LilithCave22]

pardon the interruption. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone on this board. Every story is unique but I can see myself and my ex in so many of the different stories and situations. I feel so alone right now; it helps to know other people have and are going through the same emotions and that we will all heal and find happiness again some day.

 

*sigh*

 

thanks for your stories; they provide me with hope and strength. I wish everyone the best!!

[Mentor]

pardon the interruption. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone on this board. Every story is unique but I can see myself and my ex in so many of the different stories and situations. I feel so alone right now; it helps to know other people have and are going through the same emotions and that we will all heal and find happiness again some day.

 

*sigh*

 

thanks for your stories; they provide me with hope and strength. I wish everyone the best!!

 

Very true words

 

I think that just about everyone here feels the same way

 

Finally the internet has come to mean something of real value to me.

[trishcollins]

Well Ian, I hear you. It's hard to think that people can so quickly move on to something new, either with you when they end a previous relationship or with someone new when they end the one with you. Not much you can do about it. If there is one thing I have learned in life, you can only control yourself and no one else.

 

What is obvious to us, is not to others and it frustrates me to no end that they can't see it the way I do. In a way, I really feel sorry for them, but it's funny, perhaps them being oblivous is the way they will be happy in life, and we are miserable with our ability to see clearly

 

Anyway, it is hard, because pretty much at my age, everyone has been in at least one or two serious relationships and are struggling to meet the right person just like the rest of us. I guess ideally, I would like to meet someone who has been on their own long enough to be in a position that they know what they want and are not just running away from the pain of a previous relationship, but not so long as to be incapable of handling a relationship. It's a fine line, but at least I know I am heeding my own advice.

 

I don't intend to start activitely dating until it's been one year, so I have six months to go. Not to say if I meet someone I wanted to go out with that I wouldn't pass up the chance. But I am very aware that anyone I dated right now would likely end up being my transistional person, and I cannot do to someone what has happened to me. Best be in a position where I am ready and open to something new, and not constantly thinking about my ex. It's not fair to them nor to me.

 

Nope, not a kayaker. Used to be big into cycling, hiking and white water rafting, but age and a bad knee have made me more of a standard tourist. I am big into wine now and there are some great vineyards here.

[trishcollins]

pardon the interruption. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone on this board. Every story is unique but I can see myself and my ex in so many of the different stories and situations. I feel so alone right now; it helps to know other link removed have and are going through the same emotions and that we will all heal and find happiness again some day.

 

*sigh*

 

thanks for your stories; they provide me with hope and strength. I wish everyone the best!!

 

I think we ALL feel the same way. Knowing others are going through similar things (as hard as they are), makes it a little easier to get through each day. I am not sure how I would have coped had I not found this board 5 months ago. It's been a great place to vent and just know I am not alone in my situation.

[Mentor]

What is obvious to us, is not to others and it frustrates me to no end that they can't see it the way I do. In a way, I really feel sorry for them, but it's funny, perhaps them being oblivous is the way they will be happy in life, and we are miserable with our ability to see clearly

 

Which would you prefer? I think that they are not happy, they are numb. They don't experience the deep lows, but I don't think that they feel the highs the same either. Unless you risk your heart, the stakes and rewards when it works out are just not that high.

 

Maybe that is just how I justify my lot in life so that I can get up in the morning

 

Anyway, it is hard, because pretty much at my age, everyone has been in at least one or two serious relationships and are struggling to meet the right person just like the rest of us

 

At my age too Everyone is accompanied by some baggage. S'OK, my bags only take one hand to carry, so I can help them with theirs. My romanticism of martyrdom rears its ugly head again

[southpaw]

yay trish!

 

I'm so glad to hear that you reached that point. I really appreciate all of your advice and support these past few months. You'll have to post about your various options when you decide to start dating again.

[trishcollins]

They don't experience the deep lows, but I don't think that they feel the highs the same either. Unless you risk your heart, the stakes and rewards when it works out are just not that high.

 

That is very true Ian. I have always said that I seem to experience life to extremes, so the highs are VERY high, but the lows are VERY low. I guess if you didn't feel that way, you would just feel, as you say, numb. Not a way I want to go through life myself.

 

My hope is that the highs and lows balance themselves out, because although they make like interesting, too many lows can wear you out. I figure I am in for some highs now, I have had my share of lows these last 12 months.

[trishcollins]

yay trish!

 

I'm so glad to hear that you reached that point. I really appreciate all of your advice and support these past few months. You'll have to post about your various options when you decide to start dating again.

 

Hey southpaw, I intend to stay on the board and give advice when it's warranted. As I said, I am just to the turning point now, finally realizing that my "ex" has some serious issues that will likely never change, and in the end, it was better that we ended it -- no matter how I felt at the time.

 

Now I am at the stage where I need to stop looking back and start looking forward. I will take my time, work on myself and take care of myself. Without the burden of the pain from the breakup, it's much easier to focus.

 

I figure a few months of TLC, and I will be ready to try again. I figure I have nothing to lose, but I just want to make sure I am not dragging any of my baggage with me. Trust will be the hardest for me though. I have never been that committed to someone before, and never doubted for one moment that we would be together for the rest of our lives. That trust has been shattered, and it just goes to show you, that you never know what can happen.

 

On the other hand, life and bring good surprises too, but as Ian (Mentor) said, you have to take some risks or you will never experience anything.

[Mentor]

Hey Trish, how's the weather in Tasmania? We just got 20 cm of snow, followed by quite a bit of freezing rain. I think in Ottawa it was mostly freezing rain only. Now it is -15 C. Christmas day is supposed to hit a high of -10 C.

 

I know Tasmania isn't balmy, but I think you picked a good time to be away

[toots]

Well it is really great to hear the progress you have made.I envy you! Have a great time in Tas and I hope the relief is a real pleasure to you letting you fully enjoy your holiday!

 

I wrote a letter too but did not send it.It was a letter forgiving him in the hope it would ease things.My Husb has been really hostile, petty and childish making it hard for me.His sister reckoned it was the guilt so I thought I would try to ease that.However before that I was angry that he lost touch with our sons,forgot youngests birthday,or worse as he has a good memory ignored it.Our son is 25 but still hurt! I emailed him about both on that and not phoning older son and he did make contact,go and give a present.Now wanting to see them over Christmas.

 

Conversely he has been unable to speak pleasantly to me on the phone,being snappish and angry.Treating me as if I am the one who cheated.I am trying my best but react to his comments then he attacks me for being "tense" and getting at him.

 

I do not feel like sending my letter now,am awaiting his email to see if we can speak on phone but he often does not reply or leaves it for ages just to show me how he does not care.His card,sent only after mine was received said only To ... from ...,not even a regards or merry christmas.

 

He is so unlike himself as he used to be that some friends think he has had a breakdown,but then heis perfectly nice to everyone else though cut himself off from all old friends by not contacting them.

 

Aaaargh! Does not make Christmas any easier.

 

Will keep trucking.On the good side I have lots of support from good friends and am being told I look good, much slimmer and younger looking! When you are 58 that is a great compliment!

 

take care and to all out there have a very happy Christmas!

[Hope75]

Trish,

 

I just want to say that your letter was one of the first posts I read on this website when I found myself here a few weeks ago after a breakup.

 

I thought your letter was so selfless and beautiful, it made me cry. I commend you for working that through in your mind and heart, getting it out on paper, and then sending it to him.

 

I think your timing was perfect too, with your impending holiday and the ability to get away.

 

I'm so glad for you that you found closure and that you will now be able to move on.

 

Maybe sometime you could read my story:

 

link removed

 

and let me know what you think?

 

It's quite a sticky one!

 

Again, congratulations on your ability to overcome this with such insight and hope for the future! You are truly an inspiration to us all.

 

Hope

[trishcollins]

Hey Trish, how's the weather in Tasmania? We just got 20 cm of snow, followed by quite a bit of freezing rain. I think in Ottawa it was mostly freezing rain only. Now it is -15 C. Christmas day is supposed to hit a high of -10 C.

 

I know Tasmania isn't balmy, but I think you picked a good time to be away

 

The weather here is AWESOME. Unusally warm 27C yesterday. For a coastal area, it's quite hot. It's Christmas Day and it is gorgeous outside.

 

Merry Christmas to EVERYONE.

 

Trish