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I'm getting these dreams and they are really putting me down


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It's really early (1 week BU, 5 days NC), but I've been in really good spirits so far. I've made a lot of mental notes to boost my self-worth and realize that I can be a better ME after this. I've joined and attended Meetups, been going out almost every night with friends, and focusing on doing a lot of things I always wanted to do but thought I would never do in my past relationship, such as travel and write and be more active.

 

But these dreams... they are reliving my relationship and it brings me down in the mornings really hard. I get them almost every night. And last night was a dream that was basically me breaking my NC and talking to her, and her completely cold-shouldering me and being inconsiderate. It's a definite sign that NC is the best route, but I think these dreams are telling me I'm in denial as well--that I miss her and want her back. It's becoming a problem because I'm beginning to hate her.

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I was where you were not too long ago. I'm at week 7 now. Week three was the worst, the denial wore off and the reality sets in. Since then an uphill battle. In my case I'm not out of the tunnel yet, sometimes I'm not even sure I've progressed that much. Best to keep very busy and do new things. Good luck on your journey. It is not easy. How is meetup?

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When you say "the reality sets in" what do you mean? Is it the reality of being alone, being unloved? These dreams make me feel as thought I'm not progressing, and it pulls me back just when I think I'm making the right steps forward. I'm keeping busy as best I can, and a lot of my friends and family are impressed with what I've done so far considering it has only been a week. The Meetups is great if you can find one that fits your interests. I did a casual boardgame/pub night just last night and it was one of the best things anyone could do after a breakup. Not only did I meet new people, but I had a good talk about what we want to do with our lives and it came down to this: "What stories do you want to have?" I want stories, one's that I can tell, be proud of, and use as an experience.

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I mean the reality of the loss. I'm not sure how long your relationship was but I know for me at first, there is a sense of relief. It's good to have a little time from that person for reflection. But then it sets in that this person is gone, forever. They are never coming back, and you will never see or speak to them ever again. For me, this was the worst part to accept. And I say accept as if it's a past tense. So I have definitely made progress as will you.

 

I have learned that there are extreme ups and downs in the process of accepting or healing as they call it around here. You should post often or keep a journal to look back on in a few weeks/months. It will help you to gauge just how far you've come. Because, depending on the severity of the pain, it can seem as though your just walking though a desert with no real progress. Though that is just an illusion. It's baby steps so you will notice a difference by 30 days 60 days etc. At least, this is my experience and seems to be the experience of others here.

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Yes...I can imagine that reality being very hard to deal with, and something I am not looking forward to. What did you do to accept it? Was it just time that allowed you to move past it? I find when I'm reflecting on the relationship, knowing that what she did to me was unforgivable and that I deserve SO MUCH better helps me get through rough moments throughout the day. Instead of saying "she's gone" I like to say "I'm gone" to turn the tables around.

 

I'm also terrified of bumping into her. I live in a city so it should be fine, and I know she's in school full-time so I can avoid her for the next 6 months as best I can. But the thought hurts a lot, and when I pass through common junctures and sometimes look around to see if she could be there (again, the denial part).

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Since I was on winter hiatus from work, I dropped everything. I went to a new house, in a new town to live with a friend of mine. Took down my facebook, Joined the local gym, went to therapy, went on several dates from a dating site, read tons of self help material, vowed to not touch alcohol or get on any medications, made a vision board and new life goal, and otherwise just grinded out the pain little by little.

 

It was absolutely the worst nearly two months of my life. Especially being isolated and snowed in away from all that I once knew. I'm ready to return to work next week and start looking for a new apartment for myself. I'm not out of the woods yet but I can definitely get back out there and carry on with business as usual.

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