Valentine's Day

[blackmilk]

I always have held the opinion that Valentine's Day really held no merit. If you truly love someone in a romantic light, then you should show it everyday, there is no need for a specific day. So, I wasn't too hurt about being alone today. However, it hit me as I was volunteering for my local college movie theater. They were premiering Sleepless in Seattle, and I was watching the movie for the first time. I felt I could relate so well to Walter, played by Tom Hanks, to the point where it was scary. I felt like my ex was the one, I felt our love would last forever and that even the dark times would fade due to the light of our undying love. Nothing lasts they say, but I didn't believe it. I believed love does last if two lovers are willing to make it endure, to keep the romantic and compassionate flame lit. My ex didn't want to do so, she didn't want to make the relationship work. I asked her to come with me to couple counseling and that I would receive more therapy due to my depression, but she wanted nothing from me. She emotionally cheated on me, and lied to me. We had a bad fight and she broke up with me the next morning, and put all the blame on my wrongdoings. It took months for me to get over that, it still is an ongoing journey. Now, about three months later, she is with someone new. They started dating about a month after the break up, she moved on so quickly while I was left in the shallows of pure sadness and regret. I could have done this, i could have done that. If I showed her that she was dear to me, she would still be with me. I thought I was doing better today, i thought I was finally learning to love myself, but now I feel like I'm back in the pits of despair. I was with my therapist today, and she told me that I was improving dramatically. I was and still am. I was a loving, caring, generous, and thoughtful partner. I always thought about my ex, and I always tried to demonstrate to her that I would move mountains for her. I did so on multiple occasions. I can barely breathe right now. I feel like I will never find someone who I will love like I did my ex. It's so hard, and I feel like my resolve is fading. I feel like I'm about to break down. I need someone right. I truly need someone to hold me and tell me it will be alright. IF anyone could help me with some form of advice, I would greatly appreciate it.

[silversoul]

You are trying to form a new habit of loving yourself and that's very good. But like with any new habit it requires a lot of work, and when you feel down like today you have to remind yourself that the past is past and that you are worthy and lovable.

 

You will find someone to love, you just can't believe it at the moment but it will definitely happen. First of all though, you need to let go of her and start taking care of yourself. Especially so if you have depression. Things will get better!

[morrowrd]

In my own honest opinion, the feelings you are dealing with have a lot to do with grieving a loss, in this case the loss of your girlfriend. In grieving, you go through natural stages of anger, sadness, bargaining (if I did such and such, or if I do such and such...maybe) - eventually you will come to the acceptance stage, and move on. Grief can take place anytime there is a loss that leaves a vacuum in your life, a job, pet, a close relative or parent, sibling, and a break up of a relationship can definitely be included here.

 

While counseling and therapy are the usual generic pieces of advice, I will skip over that. To be honest, in the last 10 years I have had several counseling failures, a few involved myself, most had to do with my son and the counselors did more harm than help. I tend to feel we are our best counselors, there is a saying I live by "good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment." In other words, trial and error.... in your case, the break up has caused a whole bunch of second guessing of yourself, not to mention pain dealing with hurt and loss. And to be straight up, time is the only thing here, that's going to help you. Not counseling, not pining away gazing at facebook following the steps your ex has been taking as she moves on. The best advice I can give you is to use your walls of protection, your emotional defense grid as I call it. Block out thoughts of your ex, and her moving on, and dismiss them along with the memories that you are reviewing in your mind that are tormenting you. Distractions are what is needed for "awhile" - and awhile could be a long time, or a short time. Each person is different, but dealing with the depression that goes with grieving is a skill that is handy to have. What better time than the present to start working on acquiring it. Taking control of your thought life is probably the most important step you can take along with being very mindful of what you talk (and text) about. Stay upbeat, focus on your goals or create some new ones. I think of the Disney movie "the Lion King" and Simba is whining about not being able to be king because of his feelings of guilt over the death of his father. The witch doctor smacks him with a stick, and Simba complains about the pain, "so what, its in the past" laughs the witch doctor. Implying that being hit, and the pain, shouldn't affect his present choices about what to do with his life.

 

You do the same, don't allow the pain to control you. Accept that it happened, dismiss it, and move on.