I feel like I have no emotional support system.

[vix8]

I'm starting to really change the way I see things, starting to look at things more positively and it's been a rough battle, but I've been slowly winning and I won't stop. I think what gets me down the most out of everything, is that fact that everyone I've ever cared for has hurt me. Most of these people are out of my lives, and some of them have to stay such as family, and others linger around known as my "best friends" (certainly don't feel like they are). I moved to the city (40 minutes away and easy to get to) for one year. So far it's been 7 months, and my two apparently best friends only came down to see me once the first month I moved in.

 

Every time I go to my home town to visit, I always make an effort to even just pop by and say hello. I never get a phone call or text from them. I only ever got one phone call from one of them to tell me she's pregnant and aborting the child. I feel like she only ever calls me when there's some kind of crisis happening in her life because I'm the only person in her life who doesn't make her feel like about things. I feel like I'm the friend that just receives all her burdens, I never get a call saying "hey how have you been, miss you!". Then the other friend (since grade 3) has become non-existent. She didn't even invite me to her moms house for her birthday. She pretty much half invited me, so I just didn't show since it was clear she couldn't care less. One time I was balling my eyes out last year over this guy I was dating (something I rarely do in front of people), and I let it all out and all I got from her was "mhmm". She's become so selfish with her own problems, it's like she doesn't give a crap about her friend's problems. These girls are supposed to be my best friends, I've known them for years, and they know everything about me, yet I feel like I'm not close with them at all. Sometimes I wish I could just break up with them, so I can move on, and stop calling them my best friends. But nope, they both proceed to call me their best friend or sister. I have no idea why even. It just feels like lingering friendships.

 

Then with my family, I'm not gonna get too into it, but basically I'm the odd ball out. My mom doesn't believe in me and her anxiety towards me brings me down like crazy. My dad just kind of stays out of my life, and never tries to really connect, and now it's just awkward to talk about personal things with him. And my sister has this big group of close girlfriends who have been best friends since elementary school, so it pretty much doesn't matter to her if she sees me or not. Even when I come to visit, she takes off. She's 20 and I'm 23. I would think we'd be old enough by now to hang out. I guess I'm a tad jealous that she has such good friends and I don't. She's also my mom and dads little star. They make a fuss over her voice (she sings), and she's going to dental school for a one year program and coming out with a job most likely. Me on the other hand goes to art school for five friggen years, and I'm not coming out with anything "stable", and I'm the older child, so all the worrying pressure gets thrown onto me, while my sister gets to relax and enjoy life and get everything handed to her. One time my mom's best friend was drunk and basically said to my mom "you treat *sisters name* like a princess, I think *my name* is more talented." I know this because my mom came home and told me how rude it was of her to say that. I agree it was rude, but it secretly made me happy that someone believed in me.

 

I just feel like the people who are supposed to be so close to me, just aren't. And then I being to wonder if it's my fault, but I can't think of any reasons other than I just have a different mind, and that I don't fit in. My sense of logic and perspective and what I want out of life is very different from everyone else. It deeply bothers me that I don't have a close group of friends who can be my support system (people who believe in me). I'm very jealous of my sister and her friends, and I wish I had close friends like that.

 

The only person who I have in my life who truly believes in me and connects with me is my boyfriend. We have the same views in life so he gets it. I've worked hard on myself to find a person like him, because I need people like him in my life. But just the pure fact that he is a boyfriend and not just a friend worries me. I feel like we won't break up, but if we ever were too, I would fall apart because he's my only mental support system I got. And even he has a close group of friends like my sister does. And I'll never be best friends with his friends, because they are all guys and they talk about video games.