GF and marriage pressure (Updated ... sort of)

[VictorWard]

My girlfriend of 2 1/2 years is pressuring me to get married. I am 22 and she is 20, and I feel like we're too young and definitely not ready.

She says that if I truly loved her, than I would want to get married young. This pressure has been going on for almost a year now, and was made worse last night. We went to a get together with my family, and my younger cousin had an engagement ring. Add this to my other cousin (older) who is getting married in a few months, and she's putting the pressure on me.

I spent over an hour last night trying to convince her that I love her, but she says that if I did, I would have asked her already.

This is really frustrating, does anybody have any advice.

[Protex]

"Love is not manipulative, it should not be used to get others to do what you want. You should never give in to demands based on the, "You would do it if you loved me!" tactic. "

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

yah, u shld tell her that u are young and feels that u all shld date longer.. lolc.. maybe that will do the trick. the romance of dating..

[arwen]

I know that being honest is scary because you love her and you don't want to loose her. Anyway, you might consider asking her what she wants: getting married with someone that is not ready or building together at a loving relationship where both partners have the space to develop themselves.

 

Ilse

[Princess777]

Greetings.

 

Well, your problem is common, so don't feel bad. And stick to your guns!!!! Take it from me, I'm on my third marriage and it sucks to have that kind of history.... you don't want it, believe me. What you DO want is to take things slow and make SURE before you propose. I mean, don't let there be ANY doubt in your mind that she is the one. The second thing you need to do, if you really love this girl and don't have any intentions of seeing other people, etc., is sit her down and explain to her that while you understand WHY she wants to get married, tell her that you will do everything in your power to show her every day that she is the one for you, and that you have no intention of diverting to anyone else, it's just that you do not feel you are in a position to be able to give her an engagement ring yet. She is taking it too personally. Tell her that you want your relationship to stand the test of time before you commit in that way. Show her that you will commit to her in other ways, though. And AGAIN, this is ONLY if this is what you really want. By all means, if she is nagging you to the point that it's turning you off, then tell her that because you don't want to lose her over something like that, and I'm sure she wouldn't want to push you away.

 

Try to understand that women need some sort of security, that's what she's looking for from you. If you want to, talk to her about what other kinds of security you can offer her to ease her mind.

 

Finally, you might think about whether or not you can see yourself married to this woman in a few years. Can you think about growing old with her, accepting her for who she is, and all of her faults? If you're not already living with her, you might want to give that a try... that usually answers a lot of questions! Good luck!!!!

[RayKay]

Well, this is not an uncommon problem, but I do know it is a very pressuring and stressful one for you.

 

I definitely think you are right, you ARE too young, and so is she...though she probably does not see it that way. She may not have hit her growth stage yet and does not see it, or she may have been raised to believe in getting married young...or while not a great way to go about it, believes marriage to be the way to "keep" someone. I am not sure how much you have talked to her ABOUT marriage in general temrs, but it would probably be a good idea to know WHY she feels she needs to get married so young, and why she has been pushing it so soon into your relationship at a young age (since you said she started about a year into it).

 

Not sure she understands that pressure to commit actually pushes someone away rather that makes them desire it! And who wants someone to marry them because they feel forced too???

 

She probably feels insecure about your relationship because face it, if she was totally comfortable with it, she would have all the time in the world, or you both would to get married.

 

How do you feel about it? Obviously you do feel too young (which I wholeheartedly) but can you see yourself with her down the road? Is she the "one" that you want to be with? I know I have seen you mention some issues you have in the relationship (outside of this) I believe they were intimacy related but I may be getting confused!

 

Be absolutely sure before you ever propose. It is DEFINITELY normal to have some cold feet and be a bit nervous, but if the doubts are overwhelming and serious ones about a lifelong commitment, don't think marriage will solve it.

 

Good luck

[VictorWard]

Thanks for the replies everybody.

I have tried to sit her down and explain to her that I'm not going anywhere, and that she is the girl for me. Her response to this is "well if you love me that much, why can't we get married". This is where I end up screwing things up trying to explain myself. I'm not very clear at explaining what I feel, and I end up saying something that either doesn't make sense to her, or she takes the wrong way.

 

it would probably be a good idea to know WHY she feels she needs to get married so young, and why she has been pushing it so soon into your relationship at a young age (since you said she started about a year into it).

I have asked her this, and her response is that she thinks it will strengthen the relationship. This usually leads back to the "if you loved me ...".

 

 

If you're not already living with her, you might want to give that a try... that usually answers a lot of questions!

We have been living together for the past 5 months. It really does answer a lot of questions. Some days are better than others. Some days I think that I could spend my life with her, other days it's the exact opposite.

To be honest, the pressure for marriage is becoming a huge turn off.

When we moved in together, I was hoping that it would reduce my stress, not make it worse.

 

I know I have seen you mention some issues you have in the relationship (outside of this) I believe they were intimacy related but I may be getting confused!

You're not getting confused; that was me posting about that. In addition to being pressured for marriage, I'm not getting much action either.

[OceanEyes]

To be honest, the pressure for marriage is becoming a huge turn off.

 

Yeah, I can see that, and I don't blame you at all!

 

I hate to say this, but it seems like you've already tried to talk to her, reason with her, and to let her know how you feel. She's not being very understanding, and this doesn't leave you with a lot of options. I think it's time to take a more aggressive approach. The bottom line is: YOU are not ready, and just because she [thinks she] is, it doesn't mean that you have to compromise your needs and goals.

 

The next time she starts with the marriage business, ask her if your relationship is important enough to her that she will wait. Would she rather not have you at all? I would ask her that too. Be honest with her and let her know that her being so pushy and not respecting your wishes is starting to make you re-evaluate the whole relationship, and whether or not you and her are even moving at the same pace. I know this seems a bit heavy-handed, but I think if you have already talked to her several times and she's still not listening, that you need to scare her a bit: "I am not going to marry you right now, so just leave it alone or I am not going to stay".

 

If she won't be patient and wait until you're ready, then I'm sorry to say, but she might be one of those girls who just wants to GET MARRIED. The goal is security and stability - not love and comittment.

 

I actually thought that I wanted an engagement ring until about 2 months ago when I actually thought my boyfriend was going to propose. At that moment, I felt such fear and uneasiness in my stomach that I thought I was going to lose my lunch. Turned out that he was just kidding around, being the jokester that he is - but MAN OH MAN! I haven't thought about any type of further comittment since that day. *Phew*

[marijo2480]

I somehow knew this would keep happening!! I followed your previous post about this and I remember even then she was pressuring you about marriage, etc. I'm sorry to say this but it's not going to get any better any time soon. You guys live together and although she agreed to it five months ago, she probably thought that you'd propose by now. I know some people feel that it's good to live with the person for sometime before committing to marriage, but because of cases such as yours, I don't think it's that great of an idea. Things like this start happening! Let me ask you, are you financially ready to even buy her an engagement ring? If you're not, that should be one of your main reasons for not proposing to her just yet. Tell her that you'll buy it when you have the money. Also, try to have a civilized conversation with her and remind her that it would be so much nicer if you came out and surprised her with a proposal out of the blue (instead of her expecting it and pressuring you to propose). I also think that it might not be such a bad idea to tell her that by her constantly bringing this up, if you do it, it'll be to shut her up (don't say that...say it nicely). I'm sure she'd rather it come from your heart and directly from you.

 

Man, still no action huh! If this keeps continuing, you guys are going to have to really talk about your relationship...and it's not going to be pretty. How could you be excited about marriage if your woman is punishing you in this way!! I don't blame you.

 

Good luck to you!

[ShuShu Fontana]

It's a good idea to talk to your partner about what moving in together means to both of you. A lot of people think it means they will be engaged within a year. Alot of other people think it's just a cheap way to live.

 

My boyfriend, over Thanksgiving, casually asked me if I was ready to get married. I flat out said no. It has nothing to do with not wanting to be with him. I do. I may even want to marry him someday. But I am not ready to get married now. I don't even want to live with him yet. This is still ME time.

Marriage is not something to be taken lightly. If SHE loved YOU she would respect your feelings. And yes, she sounds like one of the oned who just wants to GET MARRIED. She wants a ring and a dress and a day. She's thinking about a wedding, not a marriage. If you're going to spend the rest of your lives together what is the rush to have the ceremony? Be together for a few years, really get to know the person in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, and all that jazz, and then make that commitment. It sounds like you already feel this way. I'd tell her that if she loved YOU, she'd back off. Marriage is not the be all and end all of relationships.

[VictorWard]

Thank you again to everybody who replied. It means a lot.

I somehow knew this would keep happening!! I followed your previous post about this and I remember even then she was pressuring you about marriage, etc.

...

Man, still no action huh! If this keeps continuing, you guys are going to have to really talk about your relationship...and it's not going to be pretty. How could you be excited about marriage if your woman is punishing you in this way!! I don't blame you.

Well, we've been on MSN for a few hours and things are getting worse. She is sticking to her idea that if I loved her then I should marry her. I asked her if our relationship was important enough for her to wait until I'm ready (thanks OceanEyes), but she didn't really answer that, she trailed back to her original points about wanting marriage. She's getting quite mad about it too. In fact the last thing she wrote said that since I can wait so long to get married, then we're not going to have sex until then.

I just said that was fine. I mean if you've read previous posts I have made, then you know I'm not going to miss much.

I was being as calm as I could.

 

Let me ask you, are you financially ready to even buy her an engagement ring? If you're not, that should be one of your main reasons for not proposing to her just yet.

I could buy a ring with my savings, but that would take out a pretty big chunk. I'm not prepared to give up that money at this point in my life. I haven't been working much more than a year, so I'm pretty early in my career right now. Also, I'm thinking of going back to school next year, so I'm going to need the money then. I have tried to explain this to her, but it falls on deaf ears.

[RayKay]

Yikes, I am not really sure what else to say about this situation, but she sure seems unwilling to give it up (surprising me, as usually we learn to not push marriage like that!).

 

I just not sure if she is with you for the right reasons if she seems this concerned about getting married, but only you know what steps you want to take. But this is an awful lot of pressure at a young age, and your relationship should be fun, not stressful! And while right now the cause is marriage, I am sure she will find another one if you do get married. She seems to wrap up her identity in marriage. I don't understand what her real reasons for it ARE, other than that you should want to if you love her...and I don't understand why she would even want a guy who feels forced into it to ask her!

 

Good luck with whatever you choose.

[OceanEyes]

In fact the last thing she wrote said that since I can wait so long to get married, then we're not going to have sex until then.

 

This doesn't sound good, and I am sure that you must be nearing the end of your rapidly fraying rope. She's giving you absolutely nothing to work with; she is being manipulative, uncompromising, and now - she's proving how truly immature she is by trying to withhold sex (and probably physical intimacy) because you won't agree to marry her.

 

You do know that she's trying to back you up into a corner, right? Just by what you've said here, it's obvious to me that this girl has no idea that a marriage isn't just about a pretty dress and a big party with her friends and family. She needs a big check of reality and to grow up - a lot - before I would even consider proposing.

 

I asked her if our relationship was important enough for her to wait until I'm ready (thanks OceanEyes), but she didn't really answer that, she trailed back to her original points about wanting marriage.

 

(Your welcome, but I'm not sure that it's going to crack this one! lol)

 

If she's not answering you, then she obviously knows that you've made a point and will keep trying to change the subject on you. Don't let the tables be turned and stand your ground. If she truly valued your relationship, she would be willing to see your points and understand your needs. If she keeps this up, I would seriously consider asking her for some space; a time for her to reflect and understand that you mean business! I can almost guarantee that after a couple of weeks (probably less), she will realize that she doesn't like life without you and will be willing to listen to reason (hopefully).

[marijo2480]

Have you thought about moving out? You've been doing this for 5 months and it's only putting wear and tear into the relationship. Plus, you want to do something with your life. You're thinking about the future, potentially with her in it, by going back to school. Why can't she do the same if she says she loves you? True love is patient. If she does love you, she too will be patient. Has she ever heard the saying that "...only fools rush in"? Obviously not. I'm sorry that this is happening but I don't think she's pressuring you because she's madly, deeply in love with YOU! I think she's in love with the idea of marriage. She's obviously insecure about your relationship if living together isn't enough right now. She honestly should've thought about that before agreeing to move in together in the first place. I hate to say it but it's only going to keep getting uglier!! Let's hope someone sheds some light into her somehow!! Good luck to you! Keep us posted.

 

Marie

[Runnergrl]

coming from a girl...you have to be honest with her and let her know how you feel. Can you see yourself marrying this girl? If so, tell her that, just not right now. It will hurt, but NO ONE (including her) wants a forced proposal.

[VictorWard]

Well, I'm happy to say that things are better now.

She has had some time to think about it, and she finally agreed that she is too young to get married.

Quote:

I asked her if our relationship was important enough for her to wait until I'm ready (thanks OceanEyes), but she didn't really answer that, she trailed back to her original points about wanting marriage.

 

 

(Your welcome, but I'm not sure that it's going to crack this one! lol)

Actually ... I'm wondering if that was what did crack this one.

She couldn't answer that question when I asked her, and I think that got her thinking.

 

But this is an awful lot of pressure at a young age, and your relationship should be fun, not stressful!

This is exactly what I told her. I said that I all of this pressure was taking the fun out of this relationship.

 

she's proving how truly immature she is by trying to withhold sex (and probably physical intimacy) because you won't agree to marry her

Yeah, I knew this was immature when she brought up the idea. That's why I didn't back down when she threatened it. She's not going to follow through with it, I'm sure of it, especially now that she has realized that she is too young for marriage.

 

As for the idea that I could try moving out, I don't really have a choice at this point. We're in a lease, and we still have another 6 months. The way I look at it, we have put over two years into this relationship, I think we can spend the next couple of months trying to save it. But that's going to take an effort on both of our parts. If she is going to keep up with bringing up marriage every couple of weeks, then I'm going to have no other choice but to end it.

 

No matter what happens, I'm sure I'll be posting about it here.

I want to thank everybody who replied in this thread for their advice and their support.

[RayKay]

Good to hear Victor....just pay attention to her actions and words next few weeks. They will tell you whether she really MEANS she agrees she is too young and wants to wait, or whether she just said it to placate you for the moment. And if she starts bringing it up again over and over, then you will have to make a decision.

 

Keep us updated!

 

Peace, and good luck

[d346]

hmmm...all very interesting.

 

Victor here's some advice.-from a girl who has been waiting and waiting for that proposal herself. Don't get me wrong, I think you guys are very young -but sometimes people feel that when it's right, it's right, and age doesn't matter. (unless you're a teenager, that is!) That being said, she may say she can wait, but it will come up again, and again, and again. Essentially she doesn't understand why you don't want to take that leap of faith, ESPECIALLY if you know how much it all means to her.

 

The worst thing that can happen is you guys go your separate ways because "the timing was off" that seems too ridiculous or a shame. Since you do live together, she will probably never lay off, especially as more and more people get engaged...it's inevitable. The best thing you can do is have a talk with her and discuss a timetable. a specfic one. You should tell her you need 6 months for xyz, or a year for xyz, and then you'll be ready. You have the right to not be ready, but I do think you owe her a time frame. That probably is the only way she will be comfortable continuing. Since yes, you guys are young and should enjoy each other, but now that this has been on the table, it really won't go away. But if you talk about specifics I guarantee she will be more willing (and much more comfortable) to wait.

[tenn22]

hey, I am 22 almost 23 and have been married for almost a year. From the sounds of it your girlfriend is trying to pressure you into doing something that your not ready for. Marriage is something you need to be ready for. If you turn this around and if she were asking you for sex and you weren't ready for it...and she said "if you loved me......" Is that right? No, if she respects you, the way she should...then she should understand that your not ready yet...you may want to in the future just not yet. If you choose to get married and you don't want t o yet......you won't enjoy the experience as much......God intended us to enjoy marriage, not be pressured into it. We chose to get married young because we were ready...both of us. I wouldn't have said yes if I wasn't ready...don't ask her if your not ready. Worse situation maybe you need to have a talk with her and make her understand that your not ready.....and thats final.....your request, in this situation, out ranks hers because of the severity of the whole situation. You know what I mean? good luck!

[Princess777]

I too, have a hard time believing that she just all of a sudden said, "you're right, I'm too young."..... Yes I'm wondering too if she just said that as a reverse-psychology technique to try to get you to worry that she doesn't want you anymore. Don't fall for it. Maintain your ground and know that withholding sex within a relationship to get what you want is extremely detrimental. One thing I've learned in my thirtysomething years is that a relationship, especially a marriage, needs intimacy and sexual closeness whether you're getting along or not. I know it is not easy to do when you're mad as hell at the other person but it is therapeutic if you give it a chance (maybe that's her problem.... maybe she just needs some action to shut her up! ha ha) and often makes the couple realize that what they have together is far more important than any silly argument. Believe me, most things that married couples argue about is really "small stuff", as they say. Yes I think she is definitely in love with the idea of being Mrs. Victor Ward, not Victor's partner in life. There is a difference. Let her grow up and as she does, you'll see whether you want to put the ring on her finger. I don't think there is much more you can do at this point. Don't commit to any kind of deadlines or timeframes. 5 months is not long enough of living together to make a decision either. Give it 2 or 3 years to re-evaluate. Things change a LOT after the first year of living together, even if you've been boyfriend and girlfriend long before living under the same roof. It's just different and don't underestimate the power of time.

[VictorWard]

... she may say she can wait, but it will come up again, and again, and again. Essentially she doesn't understand why you don't want to take that leap of faith, ESPECIALLY if you know how much it all means to her.

I'm sure it will come up again. Likely sooner, than later. It may end up being about how long can I take being pestered before I end up giving up and ending it. I have agreed to do things to essentially shut her up before, but this is not going to be one of those things. Sure, some people my age may be ready for marriage, but I am not one of those people. I am not even close to that point.

 

The best thing you can do is have a talk with her and discuss a timetable. a specfic one. You should tell her you need 6 months for xyz, or a year for xyz, and then you'll be ready. You have the right to not be ready, but I do think you owe her a time frame.

She actually already asked me for a timetable. She is the type of person who, when they decide they want something, must have it as soon as possible. However, I am not in a position to give an accurate timeline. I'll know when I know. The bottom line is that I'm not ready, and I don't know when I will be.

 

if she were asking you for sex and you weren't ready for it...and she said "if you loved me......" Is that right? No, if she respects you, the way she should...then she should understand that your not ready yet...

That's a great analogy!

 

One thing I've learned in my thirtysomething years is that a relationship, especially a marriage, needs intimacy and sexual closeness whether you're getting along or not. I know it is not easy to do when you're mad as hell at the other person but it is therapeutic if you give it a chance (maybe that's her problem.... maybe she just needs some action to shut her up! ha ha)

That has definitely declined since moving in together. Her sex drive is going downhill. Before we moved in together, we would have sex at every oppourtunity. These days, it's few and far between. The quality of sex has also gone down. She's just not into it.

[Princess777]

In my opinion, I don't think you owe her a timeframe at all. You haven't been in a live-in relationship long enough to make yourself believe that you are ready, so why give her a timeframe that will make you feel even more pressured? I say tell her you have no idea when you'll be ready - the TRUTH.

[Cecelius]

That has definitely declined since moving in together. Her sex drive is going downhill. Before we moved in together, we would have sex at every oppourtunity. These days, it's few and far between. The quality of sex has also gone down. She's just not into it.

 

This is your answer. Assume you do marry her, what do you do for an encore if she needs this much ego prompting

[d346]

as I mentioned before, you are young and definitely have a right to not be ready.

 

However, the problem I see here is that you live together, and you both have different expectation of what that means. Did you discuss what was going to happen when you moved in together? While it may have meant one thing to you, to her it obviously meansa step towards marriage -actually THE STEP leading shortly to marriage. So while some people on this board say you don't owe her any timeline -she thinks that you do. That is not going to go away by waiting for her to grow up a little.

 

Unfortunately this wasn't discovered before you moved in, and I know from experience that something will have to change if you want to prevent disaster, or extreme discomfort. Honestly, I think you'll have either to change your living situation, or propose in a year or so. If you guys are fighting and she's withholding sex now, do you really think she or you can make it 2-3 more years? And did she know that she was going to be living together unmarried for 3? Probably not.

 

I

[purple_monster]

wow. everyone is being so harsh on the girl. although I have to admit that 20 is young, I work with someone who has been happily married 10 years, and she got married at 20, against the wishes of her parents who thought she was too young. She had been dating her now-husband since the age of 15, though, so that may be different. I just want to put out there that everyone is at a different stage at different chronological ages.

 

i think if she's been with you for 2 1/2 years, she's not doing this just because she wants to marry anyone.

 

i think that there needs to be better communication between the two of you, as some other people have suggested. you need to think long and hard about why you aren't ready to be married. is it really because you feel you are too young? that's completely legitimate, although not always true. she needs to do the same, about why she wants to get married. perhaps she doesn't feel secure enough in her relationship with you, and thinks that marriage will seal the deal. i personally don't think it will, but i do think it's a legitimate worry that needs to be addressed by the two of you as a couple.

(oh wait, i just looked back through the posts and i am just echoing exactly what raykay said!)

 

in any case, i think this is a crossroads for the two of you. don't underestimate how important this issue is, and don't force her to just accept that you're not ready. the "if you loved me" argument is working both ways here -- she's saying "if you loved me, you would marry me" and you're saying "if you loved me, you would wait". if you can manage to work past that, things are really promising.