Specific vs. open-ended....

[abysmal]

So, two female friends of mine suggest that by approaching this young woman with whom I am just now establishing the beginnings of a rapport with, and letting her know that I am interested in hearing more about her art/interests in art, etc. I am being too forward. One of the two told me that by giving her my contact info and telling her like that, it would seem too much like a "business deal" and that I "don't need a reason" to ask her to lunch/coffee/hang out etc.

 

But is there really anything wrong with being specific about wanting to know more details about her life?

 

I feel like, "Hey, want to grab lunch sometime?" Is way too open-ended and would potentially be a dead end, when I could just maybe flatter her that I was curious and be specific about a time/place/etc.

 

Agree or disagree? Don't want to make a mistake.

[NorthDallas40]

I feel like, "Hey, want to grab lunch sometime?" Is way too open-ended and would potentially be a dead end

 

It won't be a dead-end if she's interested. She'll say "sure!" and then you can plan on the spot.

 

But if you're not comfortable with that, why not find an event that both of you might like and ask her to accompany you? The problem is that if she's already got plans that day, it leaves you back at square one.

 

So really... just ask her "Hey, want to grab lunch sometime?" and get it over with!

[Thorshammer]

Female friends never gave me good dating advice... not that they wont share some good tidbits, but i wouldnt go to women and how to attract and attempt to attract a gender they dont approach or attract. Its just like if a woman asked me how to approach a guy, or what a guy would like, I DONT KNOW, DA HELL WOULD I KNOW THAT? Ask a woman, they are the ones who are both genetically, and behaviorally linked and tasked with attracting them.

 

I would go with being straight-forward, forget about what your friends are telling you. There is this girl who i keep chatting with but never go on a date with because i always end up dating someone else. I just saw her and said, "hey, where have you been?" I wasted no time in telling her we NEED to hang out and catch up because i like her and to stop vanishing on me. I thought she was going to be like, "uhmmm... stop dating all these women and coming back to me like a back up" or "you vanished on me". Instead, i didnt let her reply and told her about how i was working close by her one day - then it switched to about how someone we knew died recently - then i went right back to asking her out and telling her it would be fun.

 

Grab it by the horns. If she likes you, she will play along, if she is in-between, then its possible she for some reason hates cold-approaches- though newsflash, cold approaches have been the normal path for millions of relationships throughout history and the world - and if she doesnt like you or has someone already - then you will bomb. There is no magic to it.

[abysmal]

Alright, I'll try to take the best of both approaches - and just ask her about a specific time, or perhaps "sometime in a week or so."

 

Appreciate it, guys.

[abysmal]

Okay, just an update:

 

She ended up yesterday inviting me to a bible study with her and a coworker. I declined the invitation because I had plans, and also because I was a bit surprised and caught off guard. Today, we chatted and she mentioned giving her number to me in case I wanted to get coffee. So later on I gave her my contact info; I was really nervous and it felt rushed and I hope it didn't turn her off. So she said she would let me know about hanging out on campus together, and again extended an invite this next Sunday.

 

Could she be interested in the least? This girl is really beautiful and that alone makes me all the more nervous and insecure.

[agatha]

she unlocked the door, gave you the key and held it open. she invited you to an activity she's engaged, she said she'd like to have coffee with you (that's the reversed affirmative of the passive 'call me if you'd like to get some coffee'), AND she exchanged contact info. do you need a red carpet as well?

[abysmal]

she unlocked the door, gave you the key and held it open. she invited you to an activity she's engaged, she said she'd like to have coffee with you (that's the reversed affirmative of the passive 'call me if you'd like to get some coffee'), AND she exchanged contact info. do you need a red carpet as well?

To give it a little perspective & context, I'm usually "the friend" or become "the friend" to the women with whom I've taken an interest in. It has withered away at my self-esteem and has made me question over and over again my self-image and attractiveness. So this is very, very alien and strange to have a young woman whom I find to be strikingly beautiful and great in terms of personality to actually be saying these things to me. My initial concern is trying to decode and pick up on signals, because I can't believe it could be true. My self-esteem is really that low. Not trying to have a "poor me" moment; I'm simply stating my mindset factually.

 

So there I was trying to be charming and thoughtful and I hope I did not seem stand-offish and awkward. It troubles me to think that I could fall into the trap of misinterpreting things and get my hopes crushed yet again. Don't want that to happen.