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ex contacted me...


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so i broke away contact with my ex about a month ago and the other day she asked me if she had done something to upset me... this was the short conversation we had:

 

ex: Hey did i do something that upset you?

 

me: From everything i can see your life is much better without me being in it, i dont want to force my way into your life if you feel like its a chore to talk to me. i dont think people should feel forced to talk to people theyre on good terms with. That shows me that we cant really be friends yet. I really do appreciate you making the effort to approach me but im not sure us being friends is a good idea.

 

ex: Well i think you may be right about us not being ready to be friends yet, but i dont think that means we need to have no contact with each other. My life isnt better without you in it, but im happier now that im not forcing that relationship (for your sake and mine), but i still miss you and id like for us to be friends again at some point. I feel like you think it has to be no contact or a ton of contact and i just dont know why it cant be somewhere in between.

 

me: I agree that limited contact is the best thing for us as well and i never intended to have no contact, you just have made yourself very unapproachable. You approaching me helps show me you are, i agree that forcing our relationship was unhealthy for both of us but i need to see through actions that you can be approached.

 

ex: Okay im sorry i didnt mean to be unapproachable but i can see why you would think that

 

me: im glad you talked to me about this, thanks.

 

So basically i feel im getting back burner-ed and shes just feeding me crumbs so i stick around (i dont think this conversation holds a lot of depth to it). I dont think poorly of her but i think what we want is just to far apart, i want reconciliation and she wants platonic friendship. i think the next time she contacts me ill tell her something along the lines of "I understand a relationship with me is something you dont want and that you felt you had to force it but i feel the same way about friendship, i would just be pretending and it would be just as unhealthy as our relationship was."

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You were doing so good, and then you turned into a complete and utter sap.

 

Next time she contacts you, ignore it, or tell her not to contact you again unless she wants to get back together. Be short. Your response should be no longer than 1 sentence. Do not explain yourself to her.

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Hmm okay... this whole thing hasnt really actually hurt my growth im ready to move on and meet new people, i dont really have a desire to reconcile with her either unless i get a full blown apology. maybe im being a bit demanding but i know what i want, and i have no desire to remain in contact with her i dont really care if she contacts me or not. I just want to either start fixing the problems or move on and maybe thats what i should tell her.

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Toby,

 

I hate to point this out, but you kind of self back burnered yourself. You gave in to her demands for how the relationship between you two will go forward.

 

You should have told that you love her and want to be with her, and that you would like to put in the effort to make things work, however at this point you understand that's not in the cards for her, and unless she has a change of heart you need to cut ties and focus on moving on in life by letting go of the feelings you have for her, and that you cant do that if you two are friends/in touch. If she has a change of heart she can call you, but for now you're focusing on moving on. Sincerely wish her the best in life and end it there.

 

Of course you want her back, but it's not going to happen by being there in her life knowing that all she has to do is tug on her string and out you'll come out like a obedient puppy dog.

 

At least by saying the above you are leaving the relationship on your terms, not hers. You can feel some self love knowing that you walked away from this situation that is sucking the life and confidence out of you. You deserve better than to be stewing in limbo, vacillating between living in a deluded state of false hope and self pity/rejection and pain.

 

Send her an email if you need to. Say you thought about it after your talk, say the above and don't look back - go nc for real (don't reply to her email if she responds). Don't gush or become a bleeding heart, keep it short and to the point (2 maybe three sentences). It shows some self respect, self love and that you have the backbone to define the life you want. That's attractive.

 

In the meantime focus on being happy with yourself. Fall i love with yourself, and put yourself first (much like you were putting your girlfriend front and center). Create this new love story with your own life, work out, take up whatever hobby, sport, you've always wanted but never got around to. Replace the negative sad voice that thinks about your break up and your ex, with positive thoughts that make you happy. I read somewhere "I love myself" should be your mantra.

 

Good luck brother, break ups suck, but they're also a wonderful opportunity to learn and grow.

 

Cheers!

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No explaining your self!

 

Write to her unless she has sex with you any contact from her is unwelcome.

 

You can use your own wording at will.

 

After a lengthy period of no contact you won't care for her fellowship either way, nor there could be any in my opinion.

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She's not feeding you breadcrumbs.

 

She's telling you she wants to be friends -- but a bit more, emotionally. Translation: she wants to use you as a platonic relationship substitute while she looks for her next boyfriend.

 

Cut off contact and focus on yourself and healing and finding someone who DOES want to be in a relationship with you. NOT to get your ex back.... but to REALLY move on. This ship has sailed.... and the more contact you have with her now, the less attractive you are as a future option.

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She's not feeding you breadcrumbs.

 

She's telling you she wants to be friends -- but a bit more, emotionally. Translation: she wants to use you as a platonic relationship substitute while she looks for her next boyfriend.

 

Cut off contact and focus on yourself and healing and finding someone who DOES want to be in a relationship with you. NOT to get your ex back.... but to REALLY move on. This ship has sailed.... and the more contact you have with her now, the less attractive you are as a future option.

 

Spot on. Unfortunately, the more you give yourself away in explaining why you did this or that and why you can't have contact bla bla,.. The more she'll run in the other direction. As counterintuitive as it may seem you should not give her a page long explanation of your feelings, just make sure she knows you are open to reconciliation and that you shouldn't have contact otherwise. Friendship is impossible bc you love her. Just keep it civil, and short. If it's meant to be, it'll happen.

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