Never know what to believe

[bluemoon]

I feel part of me is really scared to be in relationship and that I don't know how to handle it quite well.

Yet I was so lucky to meet my current boyfriend. I can honestly say this is one of the first relationships where I have felt 100% accepted and feel comfortable in. I know I love him because I find myself doing things for him without wondering why I'm doing it and I deeply care about him and his well-being.

 

However, I do suffer from anxiety which started to intensify shortly after our relationship started. When our relationship began I was in a good place, I felt confident and like I had a direction.. now it seems I've completely lost myself and don't really know who I am or what I want. When he asked me out, I was unsure because I appreciated our friendship more than something romantic because from my experience something romantic would always turn foul. Friendship on the other hand lasts longer and is less complicated. However, I did agree despite this little turmoil as I thought I had nothing to lose.

 

Then life got in the way and I felt myself becoming increasingly depressed. We did LDR for almost a year and the constant departures felt like they took a piece of my heart each time. I hated UNI because the course didn't suit me and didn't really make good friends til the very end of the last term. I felt I was living for my boyfriends visits and for him as they made me feel 'whole'. This scared me and I began to question the authenticity of the relationship and my brain involuntarily began to 'nit-pick' and try to find flaws.

 

Now that I'm back in the city where he lives I'm still depressed and haven't found myself. I feel dependent and my mind is plagued by unwanted thoughts pretty much every single day. Then I feel like breaking up with my boyfriend, and like running away.

 

These thoughts and feelings only started to happen after I moved away and have been pretty much constant since.

I wish I could put our relationship on pause and pick it up again in the future- but my boyfriend pretty much said that life doesn't work that way.

 

I love him, I don't want to lose him but I feel my inner turmoil is just too much. My mind wanders on its own, I could be perfectly happy and suddenly it would be as if my brain had realised I was happy and would throw in something to make me uneasy/ unhappy.

 

What do I do? What do I believe?

[Batya33]

"now it seems I've completely lost myself and don't really know who I am or what I want."

 

I would start with getting really, really specific on what that abstraction means to you. Abstractions like that can just further anxiety/panicky feelings. Also think about what times of day you have these feelings- that may give you clues - low blood sugar or being tired (or not tired enough -how much exercise do you get?) can trigger those kind of free floating anxious feelings.

You can't control your feelings but you can control the reaction to those feelings. For example, if you woke up in the middle of the night and you were sure that a monster who looked a lot like your worst teacher ever was in your room and threatening to fail you in the class, and you felt incredibly scared, what would you tell yourself in reaction? After awhile, if you react to anxious/panicky feelings in such a way as to move them further off your radar, after awhile the feelings either fade into nothingness or if they appear from time to time they are fleeting.

But first get very specific -don't indulge in abstractions like "I don't know who I am". Getting specific will give you far more control over the anxious feelings.

[bluemoon]

It's more, I don't know what I want, and where if I see a future for him and I and if it's the right choice for me. I always thought I thought I would find someone to settle down with in my late twenties and that I wouldn't meet the right guy for me until at least then.

I don't know if this relationship makes me happy or not because for the majority of the time I'm an anxious wreck and plagued by thoughts.

My sleeping is messed up, so it could be to do with that and I'm constantly stressed out. When I started taking medication it did get a bit better and I felt good but then I stopped because life got in the way and I couldn't function taking them because I'd be going to bed too late and would not be able to get up early or I would take them and then get tired too early when I still wasn't ready for bed and then unable to do work. I've tried to start it again but it leaves me feeling really lifeless the next day.

 

It's more I don't know who I am because I feel so insecure with everything in my life. I don't feel comfortable at home, or basically anywhere. And whenever I enjoy myself something will suddenly put my mind at unease. It would just be a feeling that would come out of nowhere and I wouldn't want to feel it because it feels like walls suddenly closing in on me or turns my mind into a buzz pulling me into it that I no longer feel present where I am.. Makes me want to hide away, It feels like I'm a prisoner to my mind.

 

I have had mainly negative experiences with relationships in the past. With my parents, friends or past boyfriends. But I know what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like, but I'm thinking this may have affected my ability to be in a healthy relationship because I'm not used to it and my mind wants to go against it? The root of this problem is probably my family my mother is co-dependant and emotionally abusive and my father rejected me when I opened up to him and tried to explain I was having difficulties. They have been separated since I was very young, but I thought I could always count on my dad because he said I could.

 

The problem is I want to be able to enjoy the relationship with my boyf and feel at ease like I used to with him. But when I get emotional (not angry just upset) he shuts down and becomes overwhelmed because he feels hopeless for me. That bothers me because I wish he knew how to handle it. Instead I feel alienated and alone.

 

Most of my anxiety stems from failure and rejection.

[Batya33]

What I would do is narrow it down even more to particular situations that trigger this - keep a journal if that will help. Are you seeing a therapist?

[bluemoon]

No I can't afford one and the free service provided by my uni isn't great.

 

The problem is, it happens so often that I can't keep track of it. My brain would just trigger it automatically after a while of realising I haven't had a bad thought. I think i've developed a form of OCD

because it seems almost essential to my day. I could be walking down the street fine one minute and then it would emerge out of nowhere.

[Batya33]

Could it be your body's way of telling you that he's not right for you?

[bluemoon]

thats what im trying to figure but I don't think so. It's mainly me being anxious because it's my first long-term relationship when previously I would not have been able to make it this long. I don't get sick of spending time with him and enjoy his company even when we do nothing.

My head starts it all until my heart feels heavy and low.

 

please re-read what I've written before, it is a lot but it might make a little more sense. Everything was pretty much perfect and uncomplicated but as soon as we went into LDR it became complicated and heavy.