Distance has taken it's toll- Military marriage.

[Goodgirl]

I am at a loss, I don't know how to fix it. I did post about 6 months ago considering divorce, and well we didn't go through with it. We decided to not stay separated after he was done with his training, but instead have the military move us to his new duty station. We spent some good nights here in California, and spend about a month together hanging out in NC while we waited for our new home in Cali. Well we moved to Cali without a hitch, and things just dont feel right. All our separation these past months has really broken us down. I don't feel close to him anymore, and dont even want to talk to him sometimes.

 

But here's the worse part.... his job. He is a Marine, and his job comes first. There is no if's and's or but's about it. He has no say in when he can come home, or when he can call me. I thought I'd be happier cause he's in the same city, as me, we're in the same state. Where as before he was in other countries and I would not see him for 6-7 months at a time. Now its every other night , but he is so tired. I go see him at work, and we sit in my car, he doesn't get to shower everyday, and he doesn't get to eat or sleep much. His job is a 24/7 lifestyle, and he's living it. One night I wnet to see him and he fell asleep in my car, we didn't even talk. We barely get to talk, I have a freakin roommate, not a husband.

 

I feel now that I just need to focus on myself and give up my relationship, there isn't much left. It seems that both of us are so jaded from out separation that we wouldn't even know where to start. He keeps saying after this enlistment he's getting out, but I don't really care anymore. I tell him do what you want, dont' worry about me.

 

He always tells me no matter what happens between us, he will take care of me. But I just wish he could be the man I married right now. I haven't seen that man in a long time

 

I guess there isn't anything I can do about this. I guess its just a vent, one last grasp at my relationship.

[Jimbo10]

I know that you know I don't have marriage experience, but let me tell you a short story

 

My neigbors were married 15 years before the relationship started to break down. It got bad, then worse, and then the Husband moved out. I thought I'd never see him again. I am not very close with them, so I didn't know what was happening because i thought they had devorced and all, but that wasn't true. They saw that they had had so many good times before, and realized it didn't have to end, even though they thought that they didn't love each other anymore, they decided that it was possible to love each other again the same way

 

So they saw a marriage conslor. I geuss those people are amazing, and I would recomend it, becuase these people are just as close as before, maybe better.

 

I think you want to give up a little soon. Concider a marriage conslor.

[Goodgirl]

If I was giving up, why the would I move from NC to California to be with him. I was going to stay in Texas( that's where we're from) and start over , I had already registered for school and had a good job. I quit my job, and got out of school to give it another try.If I was giving up why did I go through 2 deployments waiting for him faithfully.

 

You don't seem to understand the military. He DOES NOT have time off when he wants. He has to be at work everyday at 4 am, and will not get to sleep till 1 am. Tell me when will he have time to see a counsler?

 

I am far from giving up, but when I can't do anything right now, it really discourages me. I can't even call him right now to talk to him, but I know exactly where he is, that is my only relief these days.

[tea]

Hi, =) I'm not married to anyone in the military yet. ^^: but I can totally understand what you're going through...

 

=) At least there's relief in knowing you're not the only person going through this right?

 

 

My boyfriend's in the Navy, and we're looking at maybe half a year to a year of not seeing him... and he hardly ever tells me where he is just because he can't. It's really hard, but I always look at those people in the army and be happy that at least he's not in the army. ^^: If he's in the army we'd be going through 18 months deployments and not knowing where they are + not being able to talk to them much! It's so much worse than what other divisions are going through...

 

 

He does have vacation right? There's this super super extra conservative site, link removed that has a lot of military spouses/fiancee/gfs posting there and cheering each other on. You're definitely not the only one suffering through long long deployments and having a tired husband who can't ever talk to you.

 

=) But you love each other right? Just focus on the day when he won't be in the military anymore and work towards that. It's hard, but he's doing this for the both of you and you love each other. When it's all over it'll be worth it.

 

 

P.S. feeling strange about being together after long deployments is pretty normal. Some expert said that we shouldn't expect to jump right back to the intimacy level before, instead we should just take our relationships as it is and slowly work to be intimate again. I hope that helps. =) *hug* You're a really strong person to be able to stay in your marriage. Millitary marriages are always extra hard with hardly anyone understanding what's going on. ^^: I hope you make it.

[Goodgirl]

yes he has vacation but he just took 30 days to move us here in Sept-October. But its not the intimacy after the deployment that is weird. Its the relationship all together. My husband was deployed from Jan- June of 03 from October 03- April of 04, then went to DI school in July of 04. So we spent alot of time apart the past 2 yrs that is what has taken the toll.

 

We have been together for 7 years and married for 4 and half. I go to a website for military wives, but it gets a little catty since there is so many women. Some who feel like they are worse off than other's and so on and so forth. There can be alot of drama there so I just wanted to break away and be a little more anonoymous , so I can dish out my problem.

[Gauchori]

I'm sorry but... thats why married people don't go to the military exept of the country's needs... I don't think you will have much chance with him...

[Goodgirl]

We got married a year after he joined, and thanks for kicking me when I'm down.

[tea]

=/ I won't see my boyfriend until sometime next year... so I haven't experienced the "relationship after deployment" thing, but I heard it's difficult. I'm sorry I haven't experienced it yet so I don't have anything valuable to say...

 

Maybe, maybe if you don't expect a lot from the relationship it'll be a little bit different? Last time bf came back after 3 months (it wasn't a deployment, it was boot camp + school so even though I didn't hear from him much I knew where he was instead of like now when I have no idea and it's been 3 months already, who knows how long it's going to go on.) ... well, last time when he came back it was kind of weird the first few days, but I just chose to not expect anything at all from him and take the relationship as it is. People always change over time and even though two people separated by the military can still grow together, it'll definitely take time to get use to each other again... so what the two of us did was toss aside errands and other things for a while, and we just went out on a date... took a walk, talked about what happened to him while I wasn't there and what happened to me while he wasn't here... even though we basically know most of the story already... hmm.. in short we treated it as if we just met each other. ^^: a whole new getting to know each other stage. That helped us a lot because at some point the familiarity snapped back in.

 

If your husband home now? Is he on his vacation or is he still on duty but is just not deployed?

 

 

OH! DON'T listen to Gauchori! A ton of people do make it through the constant deployments and some couples put up with these drama for life! You can definitely do it! =) Military couples have the highest long distance relationship success rate you know. =D We're just more determined than others. You can do it! It'll definitely work.

[Goodgirl]

My husband is far off from any time off, like I said before he just took 30 days of leave to move us from NC to CA. He has also begun his First Cycle of training recruits, since he's new he doesn't come home at nights.

 

I've read what I wrote over and over again. It's the reality, its what I face on a daily basis. I know were headed down a dead-end road, its just hard living like this. I am trying to make myself busier so I won't have time to think about all this, and probably less time to see him . But, we remain loyal to one another and are basically friends that live together. I guess that's all were left with after all our separation.

 

Tea, I don't understand what you mean when you say not to expect to much. I've been married for over 4 yrs, this is all I have left and I don't see how I can expect anything less. We are at our lowest points right now.

[tea]

@_@;; I don't know if this makes sense... but at least you see him still.

 

=X I don't see my boyfriend at all and I'm feeling pretty down too... it's only been 3 months since his deployment, and his return date is unknown. Considering everyone else had 12month deployments, I don't really see how I will see him before 12 month ends and 3 months is already feeling pretty long when I hear from him 4~7 times a month ... 4~6 5 sentence long e-mails and 1 less than 5 minute phone call.

 

He was finally in a port this week and wanted to call me as soon as he has time. I waited 5 days and finally got to hear from him for 3 minutes then he had to go again. =/ I really was about to cry when he had to go.. but so was he. -_-

 

Mine doesn't feel like a relationship either... not even roommates. >_>; Even roommates will see each other once in a while and be able to exchange a few words, but all I have is hopes for the future and those short short messages that I get. ._. honestly I feel pretty low too. -_-;; Right now we're probably more like penpals... -_-;;;

 

 

But that can't be helped right? We're at war right now and military needs everyone they can get and use those people as efficiently as possible. It really sucks that people we love have to be involved with them and totally slaved away until the point where they have no time for us.

 

I really really really miss him and even if I can just get a glimpse of him every day I'll be happy already but I know it's not going to happen for a really long time. So, I just tell myself that this is the person I love, and this is the relationship I have to hold on to. I don't expect to see him anytime soon, I don't expect he'll have any time for me at all, I don't expect his letters, I don't expect him to call me... it really sucks, I know it does... it probably sucks even more for you because you're married to him so you expect even more than I expect... -_-; I just hope it's still possible that we can focus on the future instead.

 

Bf and I plan on getting married sometime in the future too... I don't expect being married will improve my situation much except maybe I'll be able to see him when he's not deployed... even if it's just him falling asleep it's prescious enough that I'll be satisfied.

 

All I can do is to tie a knot on the rope and hold on to it no matter what. I'm going to make this relationship work no matter how little communication we'll get. He plans on staying in the military for 4~10 years then I'll put up with it for 4~10 years, but I'm sure at the end when he finally quits things will get better and I'll finally be able to see as much of him as I want to.

 

-_- but I know I can wait a long long time to get what I want. Last time I had to wait 9 years to get what I want and I still held on. =) I'm not sure how long I'll have to wait this time, but I'm going to make it.

 

You know, they need us as much as we need them. Maybe your husband's like my boyfriend who just doesn't complain anymore. When he doesn't get to see me or talk to me he just simply brush it off as it's his duty so he has to put up with it, but I know if I can't hang in there and if I really decide to break up with him and go for the next guy I'll break his will to put up with things. He's able to put up with 19 hour work day, 24 hour alerts, and never be able to talk to friends and family because he knows at the end of all of this I'll be there waiting for him. I won't let him down. No matter what I'll make it till the end.

[Goodgirl]

Tea, your post brought tears to my eyes. I know your looking at my situation and are worrrying more about yours. We already went through our deployments I'd say out of 4 yrs of marriage only 2 of them have been actually together. I didn't mind the small 1-3 month ones they were like a break , which every relationship can use. Yeah, at least I get to see him, that's what I keep telling myself. When I found out he was getting to do Drill Instructor duty, I was happy cause I knew he couldn't get deployed anymore. I said, finally I will get to see him more often.But yeah, I brush everything off these days, not hearing from him, not seeing him, not talking to him. But, what's left , ya know. He even called me today and I told him I didn't want to see him.His work was having a christmas party and were going to let him go, and he wanted me to go so I could see him. I didn't want to go, most of these functions are for families with children, and we don' t have any. Also, I don't like pretending like I'm happy, I'm tired of pretending.

 

Just hang in there, it will get better it has to.

[tea]

It'll definitely be better when the war is over. >_>; I don't suppor the war but I support the troops. @_@;

 

I want all of this to be over so our lives will all be returned to relative normalcy.

 

^^: I'm really worried about my relationship. ^_^ I also know I can put up with a lot of things though. We don't have to pretend to be happy I think. If we're unhappy we're allowed to tell each other or tell our significant others that we're unhappy... venting helps people make it through right? Then you can cry all you want and tell him how much you miss him, etc.

 

I still think you should go to the party. =) If it's me, I'd probably go, greet a few people, randomly comment on "oh.. he's grown so big now! she's so adorable!" blah blah blah, make a few apperances and grab bf a ditch the party! =D Even if you can't go far and you can only go on the balcony or in the garden, as long as you have time to yourself that's all that counts right?

 

Bf's not having Christmas this year. =X He's new too so he has to work preparing for the party, then when the ship has Christmas party he'll be on duty. He already think it sucks royally but oh, well, that's life.

[Goodgirl]

Yeah well I've put up with a whole lot already, it just has worn me out. I tell him I'm not happy, he knows But what can he do? He can't do a damn thing about it. He tells me he's sorry , even has thought of getting kicked out of DI duty, which is crazy cause he could get in serious trouble. Tea, I don't know any of these people from his work, I just moved here in October and would not see any point in me going to it if he's not there. I didn't plan on going cause I didn't have any idea that they would let him go. Now I dont know where he is, I have called him like 10 times, and he's not near his phone. I guess I will just sit here at wait for him to call, and I will have to apoligize for being an idiot today.

[tea]

I hope he'll understand since he's under a lot of pressure too. @_@; Pressure makes people irrational and irritable. I'm sure he'll somehow understand though. ^_^ He loves you too.

 

It's okay if you don't know anyone. =) After all we have to meet our friends right? Usually I just smile and nod when I don't know people... ^^: When I go to parties I usually focus on something I want from the party, then dance around and greet people. Parties are meant for people to meet each other and pretend to be polite and courteous. I'm going to a party tonight too and I'll know 3 people from that party... it's okay. I can meet a few more and have some fun.

 

Oh... don't get kicked out of any duty. In the short 3 months that bf has been on active duty he already had to watch 3 guys because they tried getting themselves kicked out of active duty. The first guy suicided 5 times so they had to put him on 24 hour alert until he gets shipped back to America to get court martialed. The 2nd one pretended that he's insane so he was also put onto 24 hour alert.. then the 3rd guy bf never told me how he was trying to get out.

 

... =X lesson learned... if you try to get out they'll court martial you. @_@;

 

 

Does your husband check e-mails? Maybe you can e-mail him then he'll know you called him. ^_^ Then... XD somehow stop worrying about the party. Worrying adds stress and you have enough stress already.

[Goodgirl]

I know he wont go to the extreme of getting kicked out he has a good career going, he wants them to kick him out. But, of course they won't, he will be in 6 yrs this coming summer he doesn't want to screw up. But no I dont know his work email yet, he hasn't been there to long. I am trying to find the flyer they sent me in the mail for the party, right now. I can't find it, I think i threw it away!

 

Its so fustrating how things always happen, things just don't seem to go right. Well I need to dig some more for this paper, I had cleaned up alot of the mail I had laying around, it has to be here somewhere.

[tea]

Hmm... do you live near the base? =) If you do, they should have fliers about the party at the base right?

 

When's the party? If it's a week later then you probably still has time to contact him and figure things out.

[Goodgirl]

Yeah I'm near the base, but the party was today, it could be going on right now. He called me about 2 hours ago and wanted me to drop what I was doing ( which was getting lost in the city we live in) to go to the party. I asked him what time it was at, he said he didn't know. I said I didn't really want to go, he said ok forget it, and hung up.

 

Like I said, I had no idea they would let him go, they don't let him come home at night, so I didnt think they would let him go to this party. I got two flyers in the mail, but made no plans to go, I even forgot about it and when he brought it up I said I wasn't going. He even saw the flyer last week and said he couldn't go!!!!!

 

I guess I just have to wait.

[tea]

Oh, my goodness! Do you know where they could hold the party? @_@; If I'm deperate I'd probably call up information desk and see if anyone knows.. or I'll randomly grab people on base and see if they know... Do you know any other mil spouses around there? Is it a big party for everyone or just a small one for his department? Maybe you can call around and ask people. Hopefully it hasn't started yet.

[Goodgirl]

it's just a small party at a bowling alley I think. Yeah it's just for his company which isn't too many people. I believe santa will be there also for the kids. I don't like going to some of these functions for that reason, everyone has a couple of kids and start in with the Why don't you have children yet questions.I'm feeling really bad, he probably just decided not to go since I wasn't going. So he's working and not near his phone, so I will just wait to see when he gets a chance to call.

[tea]

It's at a bowling alley?

 

then.. go on Yahoo Yellow pages, look up all the bowling alley around where you live, and call them one by one to ask if they have a party scheduled for today... @_@; Someone has to know where the party is.

[lee8]

My husband went away for only 3 months to Iraq and has come back a different man. Has anyone else had the same thing happen to them? I need all the help I can get. It has been almost 4 months and we still cant get it toghter. We were a great couple b4 he left now we are talking about ending it. We need help. Emotional= he lost it, on the edge, and just not happy. This was a man would always have a smile on his face. Its not him. He is just so withdrawn and I dont know how much more I can take. It has gotten to the point that I went back to work just in case we dont work it out. HELP! I want my husband back. I want the man that was always so positive. What can I do!

[lee8]

hey...i dont know how old your letters were that i read but how are you and your husband doing now

[Goodgirl]

lee, my post is pretty recent. Tea and I were discussing how I barely see my husband and it seems that the damage that was done from 2 back to back deployments can't seem to be healed, because of his new job.

 

BTW tea, his boss decided not to let him go to the party cause they were to busy.. BUt, lol I went to get my mail Sunday and I had another flyer in there with the date and time !!!!!!! But, they let him come home that night to sleep. OMG he looked terrible he was eating with his eyes closed. I left downstairs to get his phone and 2 min later he was passed out asleep.I really need to get more involved, there's a wives group that I was planning to take part in, just haven't yet.

 

But, lee8 depending on the branch of service your husband's with they should have some counseling available, through the chaplin or medical. He may be embarrassed by it, but it could help him with his issues.What exactly is bothering him?What is his primary job in the military. My husband went to Iraq and Africa and the only change I've noticed is his arrogance. LOL. But my husband has always been a bit conceited. But, we aren't as close as we used to be, and don't have the intimacy a married couple should.

 

hey but we can talk more later, I have to go for now. ttyl

[tea]

lol, i was just complaining to bf about how he doesn't have time for me.. (a few days ago) and =/ yeah, really there's nothing he can do.

 

 

 

=/ @_@;; the military has been slave driving all of them! it's so sad... =X

 

 

lee8, your husband could be suffering from PTSD. Look to see if you can get him counseling, and try not to expect him to be the same as before. I have a little PTSD thing too... and I'm definitely not the same person as before the incident... but =) you're his best support. If you can't understand him he'll truly be alone. There's no way they can come back from Iraq without becoming a different person... but maybe with your help he can at least get over part of the shadow.

 

I hope there's some way you can make your relationship work.

 

 

@_@ I hope we all make it. This whole military relationship thing is near impossible... but at least we can just bail if we don't want it anymore, they can't even bail out. =( They're going to be there until their contracts are up... and >_>;; they might even want to stay for longer.

 

 

Goodgirl, my roommate told me there's a medicine ppl can take to stay awake... there's no side effects and it's not an illegal drug. It's dangerous in the sense that you'll be awake so some people will forget they need sleep... but if people can remember that they need sleep and sleep when it's time to sleep then the drug is legal without side effects. >_>;; kind of scary though, a little pill can keep you awake for 16 hours.

[Goodgirl]

No I don't think a pill is a good idea to help him stay up, I was thinking actually maybe some coffee to help him in the mornings. He's been coming home at night to see me, and by doing that keeping me up cause he gets home about 12 or 1 am. I am currently working two jobs,(started the new one yesterday) so I was dead tired this morning. A co worker suggested I try some coffee, and I'm glad I went and got some I felt so much better.Hmm, but that's aboutit, i don't want to make hims stay up, he needs his rest for his overall health. We're doing ok, we keep apologizing for the way things are going, we're hanging in there.