Broken up after 3 years

[beesknees910]

Hi Everyone,

This is my first post here and I feel I may be on here every once in a while and wanted to introduce myself (if anyone is out there).

 

Just a little bit of my story: My now ex-boyfriend and I were together for over three years. He just turned 29 and I am 26. We had great times and we had little arguments now and then. I graduated from college in 2009 and have since been employed full-time and am constantly working on improving myself, working out, running half marathons, furthering education, etc. and my ex (lets call him K) had a hard time with that sometimes. Every once in a while, he would bring up that I was too good for him and that I was going to leave him for someone more successful. He has a part-time job and has never moved out of his parent's home. So back to the last couple months before the break up. We have been talking about getting a place together for a while but he honestly thinks renting is a waste of money, he wants to buy his own house, etc, and for a while it was seeming as though this would be happening in 2014. Also, I will definitely admit to sometimes being grumpy and saying how I was ready for the next step. I feel as though he felt he was letting me down.

 

So, I went away for Thanksgiving to my grandparents and he had to work at his job, so he couldn't come. When I came back into town and we saw eachother the first day, he asked me if I was happy with him. I said that of course sometimes things could be more exciting, but that I loved him and was happy with him. It started a 4-hour long conversation about how he feels as though he's letting me down. He doesn't think he will be able to move out in the timeline he originally expected, he needs to find the things in life that will make him happy, and he's been very unhappy. So we break it off and I did NC for almost two weeks.

 

When he got into contact with me, he was saying he missed me more and more every day that we didn't see each other or talk and that he loves me and cares for me, etc. I think I may have made a mistake in allowing the conversations to last. Essentially, we spent New Years Eve together and even though it was an amazing night, it turned out to be very confusing for me. I guess I thought that if I saw him, something would make him decide to return to me. I told him I needed to re-continue on with the space because I don't know how to be. So today is day 1 of NC (again). Today when we discussed things, he said "I love you very much and you have changed my life and been a very big piece of me. Stop acting like I'm just dropping you like a bad habit...I just need to figure out a lot of things in my life before I proceed" (yeah...I don't know what he means by 'before I proceed')

 

I guess I just wanted to get this all out...if anyone has any insight, it is much appreciated. To be honest, at this point, I don't want to hear anything about how he's a jerk and I just need to move on. Any kind of positive words are welcome.

 

Thanks all

[milly007]

To be honest, when I read your post, my interpretation of it all is that he just needs some time to clear his mind and work on improving himself. It sounds like he's realized that he needs to make himself happy before he's able to make anyone else happy...which includes you and your relationship with him.

 

I truly believe that if it's meant to be, you will find your way back to each other. It just sounds like he needs time to find himself right now.

[beesknees910]

To be honest, when I read your post, my interpretation of it all is that he just needs some time to clear his mind and work on improving himself. It sounds like he's realized that he needs to make himself happy before he's able to make anyone else happy...which includes you and your relationship with him.

 

I truly believe that if it's meant to be, you will find your way back to each other. It just sounds like he needs time to find himself right now.

 

He actually did say that initially when we broke up. He said that he doesn't even know how to make himself happy so he can't make me happy and doesn't want to be selfish anymore...I don't know. I'm really torn up about this today. I think it will help to start getting some of this off my chest on ENA.

[milly007]

He actually did say that initially when we broke up. He said that he doesn't even know how to make himself happy so he can't make me happy and doesn't want to be selfish anymore...I don't know. I'm really torn up about this today. I think it will help to start getting some of this off my chest on ENA.

 

I know it may be hard for you to accept this right now. You obviously care about this guy and he cares about you as well. And to be honest, if he didn't take this time now, do you really think things will get better if you stay together? You really only have two options right now: 1.) If he decides he wants you back right now and hasn't figured things out for himself yet, there could be a fairly bumpy road ahead in terms of your relationship; 2) Or, he can take this time for himself right now and find himself.

 

Who knows how long this will take or if you two will find your way back to each other once he does find himself, but continuing on with your relationship as it is sounds like a recipe for disaster. If he takes time now to figure things out, he might come back to you a happier guy, which will result in a better relationship. Taking a break sounds like the best option for the both of you right now. I know it's hard, but in the grand scheme of things, I think it's for the best. Good luck to you!

[beesknees910]

Thank you, Milly, for that. Some of the things you say are things that came straight from his mouth. I guess it helps to have someone else say it instead.

 

I know if things just continued the way they were, we probably would not last forever. I guess I kind of feel like we both have some soul searching to do before we can really make it work in a permanent fashion. And as much as I wish we could do that together, it's probably better that we take this time to figure out our stuff apart.

 

But, of course, it hurts... I'm having a couple hard days after seeing him on new years

[mhowe]

He needs to grow up and find his path to a real future. Not a part time job....a career.

And buying a house? Unless he has an inheritance it isn't going to happen in the near future.

 

I think all you can do is leave him space to move forward. Bit you also have to be realistic that it might not happen. You are goal orientated and focused...he is not. And when he.looks at you...he feels unworthy. That will either motivate him to become his best self...or he will start feeling better @ being his same self with you out of the picture.

 

There is nothing you can do...but get on with your.own life and stay out of contact with him.

[milly007]

Thank you, Milly, for that. Some of the things you say are things that came straight from his mouth. I guess it helps to have someone else say it instead.

 

I know if things just continued the way they were, we probably would not last forever. I guess I kind of feel like we both have some soul searching to do before we can really make it work in a permanent fashion. And as much as I wish we could do that together, it's probably better that we take this time to figure out our stuff apart.

 

But, of course, it hurts... I'm having a couple hard days after seeing him on new years

 

It is difficult, but you will get through it; you just have to give it time. In the meantime, cut off all contact, otherwise you will not heal and it will just prolong the hurt.

 

For what it's worth, I was with someone years ago, and we both decided that although we cared about each other, we had to part ways. I was in school working towards a great career, and all he wanted to do was be together all the time. He had no goals or aspirations, and this really bothered me! I cared about him but I knew it was for the best. After we parted, he focused on school and getting his life back on track. To this day, although we're friends on Facebook, we're so different. I'm still striving to be better at what I do, and he still seems to be sailing through life with really no goals in mind. I'm glad we ended it when we did because we just weren't right for each other. I do believe that everything happens for a reason and although your break-up is hard to accept right now, one day I think you'll look back and be glad that you took this step.

[beesknees910]

Thanks to you both, MHowe and Molly.

 

I am definitely now staying out of contact with him so he can figure out his "stuff". He knows how to get a hold of me if anything changes.

[milly007]

Thanks to you both, MHowe and Molly.

 

I am definitely now staying out of contact with him so he can figure out his "stuff". He knows how to get a hold of me if anything changes.

 

Good for you, beesknees910!

 

All the best.

[beesknees910]

Just woke up on day 3 of NC and I feel weak. I wont contact him but I miss him greatly. There are so many things I just wish had gone differently. Mainly, I just wish he wanted me around while he figures out his "stuff". The feelings from both sides are still there.

 

Mornings, and re-remembering everything that happened, is the hardest.

[Brotherhood67]

Just woke up on day 3 of NC and I feel weak. I wont contact him but I miss him greatly. There are so many things I just wish had gone differently. Mainly, I just wish he wanted me around while he figures out his "stuff". The feelings from both sides are still there.

 

Mornings, and re-remembering everything that happened, is the hardest.

 

Hi,

Stay strong, there are many reasons for you to find some kind of relief :

First of all, you know that your feelings for each other are still there, that's more than can be said concerning other stories on this forum !

Sometimes, a person needs to find its own path alone because, in the end, don't we all know that facing some challenges and turning points in our lives needs to be done internally, without any kind of help, in order to make it worth it ? I mean, and don't take any offense of course, we sometimes need to figure out things without relying on some kind of "emotional crutch" and for many reasons, including not imposing any kind of bad behaviour on someone we care for.

It's called pride, modesty or whatever but, really, do you think he could feel any better in this with you watching him struggling ? I'm not so sure of it !

 

So, stick to NC and give him space. Hopefully, you will be rewarded for this !

[beesknees910]

Thank you for your positive thoughts, Brotherhood. I am doing my best, but its hard to get through the day sometimes.

 

Im very lucky I have great friends and family to lean on. A friend even picked me up yesterday and took me to the grocery store because she knew I wasnt eating. I KNOW things will be okay but right now it doesnt FEEL like it.

[milly007]

Just woke up on day 3 of NC and I feel weak. I wont contact him but I miss him greatly. There are so many things I just wish had gone differently. Mainly, I just wish he wanted me around while he figures out his "stuff". The feelings from both sides are still there.

 

Mornings, and re-remembering everything that happened, is the hardest.

 

Stay strong! You'll be fine. Give him this time to work through things. By taking this step back, you are supporting him with his choices and I'm sure he appreciates your understanding. The NC is difficult, but keep with it! It will get easier and when you look at the big picture, it's for the best!

[beesknees910]

Thanks Milly...

 

I know it's impossible but I wish there were some kind of timeline for this. But I know that if I put a timeline on when I will contact him, it just gives me something to look forward to. And doesn't allow me to work on me...if I'm just waiting for some specific day.

 

I would say this is the hardest thing I've had to do.

[mhowe]

Yes....it is. But you just keep putting on foot in front of the other.

[beesknees910]

Thanks all for the support. I will probably continue to update through this process. I hope that's okay.

 

Tomorrow, I think I'm going to go to yoga after work. I'm excited to get active again

[Lec]

Hi. I jut write this because i hope you will better understand your boyfriend. I'm in the same shoes except i'm french

I was like him with my ex-girlfriend (2.5y together, the break up occur one month ago, total nc). She wants to be a writer, and during the last 6 months she met some of the contemporary writers of my country, and gain some recognition.

I drop out of college, was jobless and just ing scare about where my life was going and scare about the fact that i will not be able to bring to her what she need. (also the feeling that she couldn't be proud about me and can't give her some social recognition)

The fact that she was climbing the social-intellectual ladder increase the process.

I felt worthless, useless for her and to help her. I love her but wanted in some way breaking up with her becaue i felt she would not reach her full potential with me, or certainly she will leave me for someone better. I didn't do it, she did but certainly because i push her away (too good for me, i will drag you down blablabla etc etc) I don't know true reason, i'm sure there is no other men behind, i know she feel like crap since the break up, that she still loves me, through mutual friends. I know she will send me something. The break up help me to figure out what i want in life, or doing something about it.

I'm not your boyfriend, but there is similitude that perhaps can help you :

 

Essentially, we spent New Years Eve together and even though it was an amazing night, it turned out to be very confusing for me. I guess I thought that if I saw him, something would make him decide to return to me.

 

He wants to be with you, but he can't for now. In my case the relationship was recovering my situation. I didn't see that my life was so ty. I really ed up on this. So when my girlfriend broke up, something happen, i was sad for losing her and happy because know i could see my life for what it is and i could act on it. I also felt myself again. So i see things with better clarity and know in which direction i want to go.

 

-If your ex-boyfriend don't know what to do a little advice : Everyone know what he wants, when someone is lost, it's not because he don't know, it's because he can't take the decision to follow his path. But he knows the path.

 

I love you very much and you have changed my life and been a very big piece of me. Stop acting like I'm just dropping you like a bad habit...I just need to figure out a lot of things in my life before I proceed"

Believe him.

 

-So perhaps he is scare you will leave him for someone with a better financial situation. Perhaps he want to be worthy of you in the materialistic way.

Perhaps he thinks he can't make you happy because he don't know where he is going.

 

The things is, you can't help him, it's something that have to come inside him. If you rush you will pressure him, it will ed up his decision.

You should do NC to protect you or you can send him some nice text in order for him to trust himself again and feel that someone is here for him. Just one or two per weeks.

[beesknees910]

Lec, thank you for your perspective. It does help a lot to hear. As for continuing staying in contact, I think I am going to stay NC for a little bit to let the fog clear. Maybe when I start to think I can manage, I will contact him.

[beesknees910]

Day 4 NC...I don't know that counting the days is helpful. I feel like it kind of draws it out and makes it feel longer. Does anyone have any experience with this?

 

Anyway, at least I'm back to work today so I have something else to focus my energy on. I'm hoping I can focus on work. New job that I just started last week! Ugh...this is hard.

[mhowe]

Counting the days is kind of counter productive. Just live the days. Like you did before the relationship.

[beesknees910]

I think I probably won't be on here as much anymore. I love all the support but I don't want it to impede on my living my life.

 

The ex texted me a few hours ago in what was seemingly a mass text about his facebook being hacked. I did not reply and do not plan to. Nothing he said required any response and I can go about my life. I will admit it threw me for a loop when I saw the text though as my mind has kind of gotten out of that place. I was at work all day today and kept my mind busy and then took a yoga class at night, so only natural that for the first time in a week, I was not thinking about him and he sent that message.

 

Such is life - it just keeps on going

[beesknees910]

Okay I lied. I will still be on here for now. It does help to have other people as support. The ex texted me again today: "is everything okay with you? Or is your non-response your way of telling me to leave you alone?"

 

This is frustrating. I told him last week that he knew how to get a hold of me if/when things change but that for now, i would not be in contact. I let it sit for a while and responded that "things are going as well as could be expected. Im trying to respect your request for space and time"

 

He has already responded back and said he doesnt know what that means but he hopes Im well. Ugggghh, no silly boy, you have made sure that Im the opposite of well. Im sorry - this is just a LOT of emotion right now and im trying to hold it together

[Lec]

Do not respond or ask him to not send anymore message if its hurt you. He certainly mean what he says, perhaps he feels guilty or he is just confuse. Don't over-analyze the text.

It's ing hard and it hurts, but good luck

[beesknees910]

Just wanted to write a quick update. I don't know whether we are really in true NC anymore. I'm not counting the days or anything like that... after the last text I got from him, I actually had a wonderful conversation with an older lady friend of mine. It actually clarified a lot for me. She asked a lot of questions regarding whether he had ever said anything to the effect of him not loving me or caring for me, or not wanting to be with me. After going over the situation in my head, I realized he didn't. When we had our initial conversation about him needing space to figure out his life and his happiness, I gave him about four days of space and then checked in with him. When he said that he would need more time, that it wasn't going to be that easy for him to figure everything out, I will admit I freaked out. I pushed it and said that we would not be together then. I'm not saying that it's all my fault, as it's not, but I am definitely recognizing a lot of things within myself that I would love to work on (and actually have been).

 

After this convo with my friend and these realizations, I did contact him briefly just to let him know that I felt like I came to an "A-HA" moment - he said he was glad but that he was still really hurting and hadn't had sufficient time to really think things over. I let it be and told him that it was okay, and that I hoped the best for him. A few days later and he has contacted me again to tell me something that I really didn't need to know (his sister and her boyfriend broke up and he wanted to let me know "just in case I talk to her" lol) - I was open and supportive but not overly chatty and ended the conversation after 5 texts or so from both sides. At one point, he asked how I was and it took me about 5 minutes to respond and before I responded he texted again saying "I guess you're up to something so I'll ttyl"...I just thought it was funny. I feel like maybe he felt the need to talk to me but when I didn't respond immediately, he felt like maybe he regretted it.

 

Anyways...I'm feeling a lot better these days. I would not go so far as to say I'm "over it" but I feel like I'm taking the appropriate steps to move on and I feel more at peace now. I have faith that if we are meant to be together, it may not be easy (I know it won't!) but there will be an opportunity.