Where do you stand on the whole "second chance" thing?

[PurpleButterfly]

I just wanted to start off by saying Happy New Year all of you, I wish you all happiness and success!

 

 

Hello everyone,

 

Read if you need/want to read the back story:

 

Most of you know I broke up with my EX about 3 weeks a go (ish). It completely blew me to pieces as I didn't see it coming and foolishly, even though I knew it should happen, I really wasn't wanting it too. So then I initiated NC, which I did really well. I didn't tell him I was going to do NC but he must have got the idea as I wasn't contacting him. So then Christmas was coming up. I had already got his present and he was going back to his home town. He contacted me asking if we could meet up for a friendly drink. Just as a way of smoothing the waters before we both went home for Christmas. We exchanged presents and then started talking. It was weird I was so happy to see him and he was me. But I was still cut up and angry at him for the way he dumped me. We talked and I finally managed to explain my side of the story, which he accepted gracefully and apologised for being so hideous to me. It was probably the most sincere words that ever left his mouth. Then we went out separate ways. Also he HAD to point out this his EX and her fiancée are coming to town and invited us both to her Mum's for a Christmas dinner. No. End of story. As if I'm gonna sit and have dinner with his EX's Mum and her fiancée.

 

Then over the holidays he texted me saying he really missed me and would like to try again. His family didn't know we had split up, he said he wanted to tell them in person. He said he really has never loved anyone as much as me and that after he split with his EX Harriet, he was determined to never live with anyone, have children or move in with anyone. And then I came along and changed all that (we currently don't have kids, we were talking about getting married). He said he is struggling with the break up and that I was "massive part of his life" and he misses me to death. He seemed to realise how upset he had made me and how much I was getting irked by Harriet and her needy ways. I told him I had no problems with the friendship with Harriet, or that he talks to her, it's just I didn't want to be pushed in to meeting her, I was sick of him running off doing her errands etc. And he agreed he would cut down dramatically for me. He also wanted us to think seriously about getting married and living together. When we are together we have the best time, we were totally inseparable. I took to him immediately like a duck to water and we clicked instantly. And I've never experienced that with my last two exes. I really miss him too, I know I shouldn't but I do. And it did make me feel special that he wanted to marry me and he seemed to feel guilty about it, as he decided he wanted to marry me months after going out, whereas the engagement he had with Harriet lasted 9 years and they never made it down the isle and she never got to wear her dress. He feels nervous telling her (even though she's engaged). But he would want her as a second best man at our wedding. Weird huh? But that's up to him.

 

Aside from the break up... his 2 daughters who are my age (I know) told their Dad they were okay with him dating me. I've never met them. But he told me he was stood in the kitchen telling his brother that I was 25 and his daughter turned around and said "and so is your daughter, Dad". So I feel they may have a little gripe about it. And I don't want any more conflict.

 

Also his daughters went halves on a gift for him, it was a ticket to go see his favourite sports team and the stadium. It was for 2 people and they labelled the gift to him and Harriet (his engaged ex) who also supports the same team....... So I feel a little hurt that they knew he was seeing me (or so they thought) and they bought a gift for him and his ex....

 

He really seemed to have really had a long hard think. And I believe him when he says he'll cut down. I know ultimately the decision is up to me and I also know some of you are going to send me a virtual slap and tell me to wake up and smell the coffee, but I am a believe in second chances because I hate the thought of "what ifs" spiralling in my head.

 

I mean I know I was warned that he might get like this post break up due to the fact he would realise how lonely he is, but I honestly feel better after talking to him.

 

Input please, I'm not very good with trying to see rationally.

 

 

Thank you xxxx

[Edmund Exley]

1. Why the hell is he still that attached to his ex?

2. For never loving you as much as anyone else, he sure does still have a fondness for his ex.

3. The children are buying gifts for him and Harriet?

 

No. No second chance here. There is a huge lump with a red flag posted in it between you two, and its name is Harriet.

[PurpleButterfly]

1. Why the hell is he still that attached to his ex?

2. For never loving you as much as anyone else, he sure does still have a fondness for his ex.

3. The children are buying gifts for him and Harriet?

 

No. No second chance here. There is a huge lump with a red flag posted in it between you two, and its name is Harriet.

 

1) Him and Harriet where together for 16 years and when they broke up they made better friends then a couple. So he cherishes the friendship. I appreciate that, I'm still friends with my ex (absolutely NOT to the same degree as he was). I don't mind them being friends, I just didn't like that she imposed so much on our relationship, it was annoying. I do believe a man and a woman can be friends without it being more. And as he pointed out, if it didn't work after 16 years, then it wont work again. I really don't mind the friendship and I absolutely believe him when he says he wont cheat on me as he has never given me a reason to not trust him. He tells me EVERYTHING, which is a blessing and a regular annoyance. I just felt like she should use her man to do her errands and take her Mum out and deal with the banking enquiries. She doesn't have to share her man, why do I have to share mine?

 

2) He does possess fondness to his ex, I've been told countless times that he "loves Harriet to death" but he's not in love with her and that I should see her and treat her as I do any of his other friends...

 

3) The gift did upset me. I don't mean to sounds like I wanted a present from them, it's not that at all ... it was just that they never thought how it might make me feel? Principle you know... also how can they be so sure that her man is going to let her and her ex go to this outing!? Also that wasn't his fault, he didn't know what his daughters had done.

 

I had a feeling that the responses would be to run for the hills. I understand that, it's just if he has changed then maybe I should see for myself? I dunno.

[shelty24]

I agree. No way would I date a man this close to an ex. No way!

[Edmund Exley]

1. This goes way beyond friendship.

 

2. You should see her the way he wants you to see her, in other words "You must accept that if you want me, you must take Harriet along as well, we're a package deal"

 

3. It speaks volumes of how the relationship with you is portrayed that the decided his gift should include Harriet, not you.

 

If you feel like you should find out by yourself, then by all means. Just don't cry foul when you are disappointed. Find out and if nothings changed, walk away with dignity.

[Kendahke]

Until you are fine with meeting her and getting to know her, no. This is going no where fast.

 

Harriet isn't going anywhere. Seems to me you should know that like the back of your hand by now.

[PurpleButterfly]

Well I was going to meet her if we got back together. No point otherwise. So I will meet her, just waiting for the opportunity now I guess. I just wanted to work on myself first because I can be an ahole when in a situation I don't want to be in, it's a flaw of mine. And I didn't want to meet up and be a block of ice, because I can't put on a face, my face and body language always reflects my mood. Annoying. But I will meet her.

[SooSad33]

I guess, as the others have mentioned already and you're 'willing' to go for the ride, by all means, go for it, again, with him.

 

All the best..

[DancingFool]

I guess if you like a threesome, that's fine. You don't have a relationship with him, you have a relationship with him and Harriet. The guy has mental and emotional problems with letting go, so I am not surprised he wants to crawl back into your life. Besides, he is probably rapidly realizing that finding another naive young fool to put up with his bs with Harriet is an amazingly tall order. Ultimately, what is painfully obvious is that you are co-dependent yourself and no matter how bad the situation you won't get out or let go. So you will do what you do and all advice is really pointless and falling on death ears.

[Johnny Utah]

Wow, you're in a complicated situation.

 

I don't know if you like drama, but you're 24 and have so much to experience. What you see in him you can/will find in somebody more compatible logistically.

 

Personally, I would be scared about the ex. Not that they would get together, but that it would always be in the back of my mind.

[PurpleButterfly]

Well as I said, I haven't decided to take him back. I just wanted to know where people stood with second chances and if people actually change. I found NC tough but I was doing okay. I'm thankful I got to say what I wanted to say to him, whether it sunk in or not. I don't want to be taken for a ride, I just wanted to have a relationship where I was happy, appreciated and prioritised. Obviously initially I didn't have that and yes I found it difficult to let go.. I can't help that I formed a strong attachment to him. However when we talked and he said the things he said, I believed him, I believe he will change. But obviously I know I have to factor Harriet in to this to an extent. He agreed to cut down the amount of stuff he does and not force me in to meeting her. I dunno I guess I just wanted people's views, some of you may have had success in a relationship second time round?

[Shane Falco]

Well as I said, I haven't decided to take him back. I just wanted to know where people stood with second chances and if people actually change.

 

In three weeks -- absolutely not. The second chances that I've seen that have worked (been to one wedding of a 'second chance' this past summer and going to another one in the spring) saw 6 months-year of separation with very little contact between the parties during that time. If you take him back now, then you are jumping into the exact same situation that caused you to break up with him, which would be absolutely pointless. Both you and him need time to process the breakup and move forward. You don't want the old relationship -- that died. For a second chance to work, it has to be almost a brand-new relationship (completely brand-new isn't possible, but you know what I mean). And the only way that happens comes through a) time b) reflection and growth c) moving forward and d) the desire to get back with another. Without all four of those elements from both parties, you are doomed to failure. And all four of those elements must be self-motivated -- there's no way to manipulate the other person to do any of them and ultimately be successful.

[PurpleButterfly]

Yeah actually 3 weeks isn't long at all is it. Never thought about it like that, it felt like a millennium that we were apart. But it felt good to not be tangled up in it all, even though apart of me really missed him. He said if we were to try again that we would have to start from ground level and work the way up and get to know each other intimately (not sexually but what we will and wont tolerate). I said I absolutely draw a line in the sand with him doing weed runs (I expressed why) and I wont tolerate her and him pestering me and pressuring me in to doing things I don't want to do. I agreed to meet her to see the reality, but I'm not going to be the best buds she wants us to be. I said straight out that I'm uncomfortable with him doing errands for her Mother etc and he took it on board. I said and I quote "you brought to the relationship that I had to accept you and Harriet as friends, that's fine (to an extent), but you never said I had to be best friends with her and I'm not going to be". I was trembling with adrenaline but he accepted it, dunno if he liked it or not but he accepted.

 

I don't mean to be foolish, I'm just a fighter at making things work. I also like to get my point accross. I don't like leaving anything unsaid.

[Shane Falco]

See, this is where people f*ck up when they say they are a "fighter". You don't want to fight like the drunk in the alley wildly swinging at their opponent (that's how most exes who call themselves "fighters" carry themselves). That doesn't work, you don't connect on your punches and the ones that do connect don't have nearly the same effect as they would if you used strategy. If you are going to "fight", fight like a professional boxer -- come up with a strategy, train for that strategy and be calculating in how you execute. In this case, back the f*ck off and stay out of contact for a while to figure out what you exactly want, what you don't want, what you are willing to accept and what you won't accept. And WITHOUT TALKING TO HIM figure out if he's the best person to fit those categories. I don't care if you miss him -- we all miss our exes in some way, doesn't mean a thing as far as being able to be in a healthy relationship with him -- you need to use your brain a bit and stop flying completely by the seat of your pants. Hearts, while well-meaning, have for brains and have to be balanced out by your head.

 

As for "I don't like to leave things unsaid", maybe you'd be better advised to start. Your thoughts are worthwhile and people should earn the right to hear them. You shouldn't give your two cents like it's worth only two cents.

[PurpleButterfly]

 

As for "I don't like to leave things unsaid", maybe you'd be better advised to start. Your thoughts are worthwhile and people should earn the right to hear them. You shouldn't give your two cents like it's worth only two cents.

 

Sometimes you have to just voice your thoughts because some people just don't listen. And I really needed to be heard.

 

Also as you and everyone else can clearly see I'm crap at relationships, I just post here so often because when something happens I over think things or I'm to much of a push over or I'm being to hard on other person etc .... I just needed advice. I haven't made any decision yet. I'll go NC again as advised and "think" about everything. I really don't need to ramming your opinions down my neck. I'm reading and I'm taking on board what you're saying. I just needed fresh advice, I've never been in this position before. I don't really know the protocol and I didn't know if second chances were a success or not, I have no idea what to think.

[Shane Falco]

Sometimes you have to just voice your thoughts because some people just don't listen. And I really needed to be heard.

 

They aren't listening though. When people feel the need to "clear the air" the other person is rolling their eyes and just agreeing so you stop talking. Not saying this to be mean, but think about every time your parents nagged you about this, that or the other when you were growing up and think about how you would react to it. The reaction of the other person is similar -- they just say they agree to get you to stop nagging. And I'm not forcing my opinions down your throat, you asked a question, I answered it and explained why I answered it in the way I did. If you don't like the answers, don't ask the questions. People aren't here to tell you what you want to hear.