Is this a code red?

[90jeast]

I know that my girlfriend is rebounding onto me from another guy which is of some concern. She's younger and significantly less experienced than I; her 'ex' his the only guy she's been involved with other than myself but they were never in a real relationship (although I do believe they were very passionately into each other). She left him for me and we are now in a somewhat serious 4 month relationship and there hasn't really been any problems until I found out last night that she's been chating to him and they've decided to become friends since they know many of the same people and keep bumping into each other. I don't have a problem with that really as long as it is only friends but it has made me more acutely aware that I am a bit of a rebound.

 

My buddy thinks that it's doomed and I should end it but that seems a bit extreme since she is yet to show any signs of being unfaithful and I am quite content with her.

 

Is it possible for a relationship to begin as a rebound and then move past that?

[lostgirl123]

i've heard that it's possible for a rebound relationship to work long term but that is very unlikely. the reason for that is cause when someone jumps into a new relationship right after the last one they didn't had enough time to grieve or reflect.

 

why did they break up? who broke up with who?

 

there's no way that we can tell you whether it will work or not, you will know with time. all you can do is focus in the relationship with her and be the best version of yourself. don't let it affect you until you see clear signs that she is not over her ex.

[90jeast]

She told me that she ended it because she was at her wit's end with him when she met me and that I was just a catalyst for something that was going to happen anyway.

 

Had he broken up with her I would be more worried but it sounds like she made the decision.

 

What are these signs that I should be looking out for?

[Tanzi]

The fact that she left him for you is the biggest issue here. Jumping from one relationship straight into another is never a healthy way to start a relationship. It might have felt a good idea at the time to her to leave him for you but without giving herself time alone neither she nor you can be sure that she is entering into the relationship for the right reasons. From that point onwards there is always going to be doubt.

 

Rebound relationships can develop into loving, committed relationships but for that there has to be trust. If you don't trust how she feels about you then your friend is right and your relationship is doomed. I could be wrong but it sounds as though your relationship is in it's early stages. If that is so then why not slow things down a tad before making anything "official", therefore giving her some breathing space between relationships. I also say that because of your comment "I am quite content with her". You don't sound that excited about being in a relationship with her.

[sealharp]

One word.......RUN

Actually 2 Words......RUN FAST

 

The ex is waiting for YOU to make a mistake then he'll pounce. The best thing for you to do is (if your not going to run) is play it like James Bond. Be the stronger Alpha male.

[90jeast]

Hmm I agree she had no time alone which would be ideal but I rationalised that by telling myself that everyone has their baggage to deal with. I know I do. When I spoke to her about it she admitted that she liked him a lot for a long time but they never worked and never became official so it was easy to get over.

 

While we are in the early stages, we were somewhat quick to commit already (we became official after just 2 months of dating). I felt like I connected with her very quickly so was happy to commit faster than I usually would. Content may have been misleading, I merely wished to express that until this point I have had no concerns or doubts at all, not that I am not excited about her.

 

I guess what I am trying to figure out in my head is: can she have truly got over him whilst we have been together and does it matter how it started if things are great now?

[lostgirl123]

She told me that she ended it because she was at her wit's end with him when she met me and that I was just a catalyst for something that was going to happen anyway.

 

Had he broken up with her I would be more worried but it sounds like she made the decision.

 

What are these signs that I should be looking out for?

 

if you catch her lying/hiding talking or seeing her ex and many more (you should google signs that your gf is not over her ex). basically you will know when something is wrong unless you're really oblivious.

 

if you`re worried then you should take things slow with her. also, if you`re planning to stay with her then you have to trust her unless she has given you reasons not to. being insecure will only damage what you have with her right now, so what i would suggest for you to do is to just put your energy into enjoying your time with her. there`s no point of knowing whether she is over him or not if you have no intentions of leaving her. and from what i read, she hasn`t done or said anything that would indicate that she is going back to her ex.

 

and it is true that majority of people have some amount of baggage before entering into a new relationship. the fact that she jumped into a new relationship with you right after her last one just puts you in the higher-risk category that she may not be over her ex. but i think it all comes down to whether the person wants to let go of the past and if they are emotionally capable of letting go.

[lerenard]

The fact that he dumped him as she says, and then after 4 months with you she wants to be his friend again is very alarming.

You can tell you EX something along the lines that you had a lovely time but now its over, and if we can`t stop us from bumping into each other, so lets just be fine with that, thank you. But the fact that she suddenly wants him as her friend is a red flag. She dumped him for you, but most probably she wasn't totally over him, I mean he was her first.

until I found out last night that she's been chating to him - how exactly you found out? snooped? I doubt she showed you her conversation with her ex where they talk about becoming friends. another red flag, sorry.

 

Yes, it is possible for a relationship to move past that, but not when your GF is more concerned about her friendship with her EX that she dumped herself for you.

 

also, they were very passionately into each other and it was easy to get over are two opposites. either you are lying to yourself about her to feel better, or she was lying to you about her relationship with her EX and about the way they broke up.

[90jeast]

No, nothing so dramatic. We were just talking and she mentioned that they'd been chatting a bit recently and were gonna have a go at being friends.

 

Me and my ex had a similar chat about trying to be friendly a few months ago although we never really see each other so I guess it's less of a concern that any feelings would resurface.

[Tanzi]

At the moment all we know is thst she left him to be with you and 4 months later they decided to be friends. Whether or not there is anything to be concerned about here depends on how she defines their "friendship". If it means adding him as a friend on Facebook and just being civil if they bump into each other then I don't think there is anything to worry about. If, however, he is constantly contacting her and asking to hang out then that is a different matter.

 

Maybe you would feel more confident if you were to discuss some boundaries in regards to this friendship.

[lerenard]

I am a friendly person, but I could never understand why people pay so much effort to become friends with their EX. You had a past with that person and you never worked out as a couple which for me means that you find it hard to match in a day-to-day life. There are millions of people, why befriending with an EX? Its not like they were worst enemies, and they decided to wave white flags and get over their anger, they weren't in contact for 4 months after breaking up, and then she feels the need to have him as friend?

If they already were bumping into each other, and being OK with that, whats the point of discussing being friends. My head just doesn't want to process that, sorry)

I have and had some EX friends, but both of them were the guys I tried dating based on our friendship BEFORE, so we saw it wasn't working and just went back to being friends. That is something I can wrap my head around. But its not the case here.

[Ms Darcy]

I think the most alarming thing is that you ... with your experience ... would date someone who left another relationship for you. You know better but were more concerned with gratification.

 

It will likely come back to bite ya soon. Who knows what will happen with him but often the way you get them is the way you lose them.

[Kendahke]

only if the ex is completely purged from her life. No being friends with them; no hanging in the same circles; no talking to them period.

 

She has not purged him.. in fact, just the opposite. She's laying a red carpet for his entre back into her life.

 

If I was you, I'd take a huge step back from her right now until she purges her ex.

[Kendahke]

She told me that she ended it because she was at her wit's end with him when she met me and that I was just a catalyst for something that was going to happen anyway.

 

Had he broken up with her I would be more worried but it sounds like she made the decision.

 

What are these signs that I should be looking out for?

 

So, for her, it didn't matter who the body was filling the role?

 

The signs are that she's manipulative. She is using you to get her ex to act right. My answer would be different if, as I said above, she purged him from her life and refuses to deal with him.

[Tanzi]

I, personally (and I say this all the time), wouldn't want to be involved with anyone who is heavily involved with their ex. I don't mind if they have them as a friend on Facebook or anything "simple" like that but if they insisted on regularly keeping in touch and/or meeting up then that would be a deal breaker for me. You only have to read the countless threads on here to know that there is usually a hidden agenda. Not always, I know, but I wouldn't want to take that risk.

[ParisPaulette]

I think you should clarify what she means exacly by "we're going to try being friends." Does that mean, "We'll say hi to each other when we bump into each other," OR is it a "We're going to go out to lunch and I've started chatting with him daily when you aren't around and he's paying me compliments and reminiscing about all the good times we had together," kind of friends? And yep I'd say it just like that. Then tell her you are really uncomfortable with it all, because at four months one or both of them hasn't probably moved on emotions-wise and you aren't up for the drama. I don't think you're at all out of line to simply put it out there like that and just let her know, because the simple fact is at four months no, they aren't over it.

 

Personally even if she's got no hidden agenda I think he does. Tell her maybe it's fine to chat, but if there's going to be personal meetups you'd like to be there too just to make sure he stays cool with her. If she protests and makes excuses or gets defensive about wanting to see the ex when you aren't around then there's your answer. And you shoudl walk, because people still hung up on their exes are some of the worst to date or try to have a relationship with.

[SooSad33]

You're wondering if this is risky? After 4 months, then her 'accepting' her ex as a friend can be...

Look up rebound relationships.. I have a link here for you to look over on that topic.

 

link removed

 

Watch for her 'backing off' from you, showing uncertainty, being hot/cold or 'rushing' the relationship. (saying I love you way too soon to wanting a life so fast with you and saying 'you're the best'! etc)

As for the fact she wants to be a 'friend' with him.. after 4 months does seems abit odd. I'm 8 months in from losing a 5 yr relation and i can NOT be his 'friend' right now. NOT until those 'feelings' are all gone.

 

I am hardly friends with ANY of my ex's really. When we're done, we're done.

Not sure IF she's just wanting to go there with him because they keep running into each other anyways, so she just wants to act 'respectful' about it....

Either way... keep watch.. be cautious.. go slowly. If any doubt... move along. Its not worth it.

SHE does need her time to 'accept' their break up sometime. Not a good idea to run from one to another so quickly.

That here, is the downfall. (she isn't mentally/emotionally ready)....

 

Good luck

[90jeast]

I should probably have made clearer earlier, they are friends with the people and they see each other regularly at group events.

 

If he was some random guy I would fully agree but I cannot start telling her she can't be around him as that would drive a wedge between her and her other friends. If I went out with one of my friends, it didn't work and my next girlfriend made me uncomfortable about enjoying seeing my friends because the ex was there, that new girlfriend wouldn't last long. I guess it goes both ways.

 

Really the only choices they have are to become platonic friends or keep hooking up and getting in each others way. Zero contact isn't really an option.

[ParisPaulette]

I don't think anyone on here has a problem with the fact they run into each other since they have mutual friends. The concern is whether the two of them doing things by themselves away from the mutual group and/or you like chatting one-on-one daily or going to lunch with only each other. That's when it becomes a problem. Like I said just ask her what she means by we're going to be friends.

[Kendahke]

I should probably have made clearer earlier, they are friends with the people and they see each other regularly at group events.

 

If he was some random guy I would fully agree but I cannot start telling her she can't be around him as that would drive a wedge between her and her other friends. If I went out with one of my friends, it didn't work and my next girlfriend made me uncomfortable about enjoying seeing my friends because the ex was there, that new girlfriend wouldn't last long. I guess it goes both ways.

 

Really the only choices they have are to become platonic friends or keep hooking up and getting in each others way. Zero contact isn't really an option.

 

That makes no difference in my answer.

 

You don't have to tell her who she can and can't be around: you only have control over yourself and removing your person from close proximity to her would be what you have control over. Let her be friends with whomever she wants and let her decide who she wants more: her ex or you. Because you're going to have to be quiet and content with her giving entre to her ex into her space of emotional intimacy and not make a peep of noise in protest over it.

[lerenard]

90jeast, that fact only makes it worse. IF they still see each other all the time, WHY communicate online, talking about how they should be friends? Are they avoiding each other in public but then talk online?

She has a lot more options then the two you wrote, believe me.