Broke up long distance

[spazmy]

Hey Folks,

 

Am old poster. Broke up with a girl I dated long distance for about seven months. She is Italian. She was eight years younger than me. I am 36. We met in my home country in Asia. She came to do research. We met briefly and then I pursued her by e-mail when she went back to Italy. Gradually, she gave way and we had a sort of half-baked relationship online. She never would call but would respond with short e-mails for a long time to multiple messages messages of mine. This went on until she came again to my country. We hung out, made out, and also had dinner. She is a live-wire and very affectionate. Only, she is not a great communicator. Also, she had dated one of her professors in the past who is 50. She must have been 25 or something at the time. I spoke to her briefly about this man. And it seemed she did not see him as such a distant father figure, rather she still saw nothing wrong in dating him. Anyway, I was the one doing all the running around for her, and also, eventually trying hard to get her to say something about this relationship. Since she was a student who was doing her PhD. her research was paramount for her. And I never came in her way. Always helped her, since she was doing research on my country. However, on one occasion during her visit, I decided to break it with her because she was not giving me any time. I can understand that she was spending her own money to come to my country and needed to do her research. However, what made me a bit impatient was when she would talk about how I should be open to having multiple partners. Also, she was not averse to a physical relationship -- but I held back. I told her that a physical relationship needs time to establish. I don't know how she took it -- but it seems she felt I was conservative. This added to the strain and one day I told her that I do not want to continue the relationship. And she called and called and once again decided to establish contact and continue. I caved in as well and we went on for a bit.

 

She flew back to Italy and then had a minor crisis with one of her informants in my country. She was very upset with his behaviour and I tried to console her a lot. She promised she was going to come to my country in January. And then she shifted to England. She said she was under considerable strain work-wise and her messages became less and less frequent. She would always also say that she finds it tough to correspond because she does not speak English that well and also that in Italy, all the men do the chasing and that is the norm. I finally mustered up the courage three days ago and asked her by e-mail if this was going anywhere at all. To this she finally said that she was not going to come to my country this January and that work was keeping her in England and that the distance, the age-difference and the differences in culture came in the way.

 

I wrote a lot to her. I accepted the situation and bid her farewell. I felt really sad. While the courting was going on, there were many days I did not feel in love with her entirely. I felt she was not very good at communicating and was also seeing this as a short term fantasy. However, only after we broke up three days ago, I realized that I had genuinely loved her all along.

 

Today, I finally came around to realizing she and I are not going to work out. I told her that maybe in a next life it will work out. But for now, she should find somebody her own age. And that she is so beautiful that people will stand in line to date her. I don't know if it is ok to give in without a fight. But I feel exhausted after seven months of chasing and just do not have it in me anymore to be in this kind of pain. On the one hand, then, I feel sad about the breakup. On the other hand, my mind tells me this is for the better.

 

How do you think she is taking it? She said she is pained. But the thing is the way she writes, it all seems so smooth that it is never clear if she feels pain or if she was using me. Do you think she ever loved me at all?

[spazmy]

She never calls. Even the breakup was by e-mail. She says she is suspicious of technology.

[spazmy]

Do you think there is any reason to believe her? Or should I simply let her go? I am at the crossroads and don't really know how to proceed? I have tried a lot. But now am exhausted. A part of me still loves her. But so much about her seems too mysterious and unclear.

[spazmy]

any counsels?

[spazmy]

Er, did I do something really horrible by dating a girl 8 years younger? Maybe this was not appropriate. Feeling a bit strange and low. I mean am I even right in asking if she ever did love me.

[penelope13]

Hi spazmy, long time no see!

 

It's really difficult to tell if she had real feelings towards you or not at some point. However, it's clear that her priorities in life are right now on different things than her romantic life. I think it's better for you to accept that she is not in a position to invest the necessary energy and focus into a long distance relationship and you need to move on.

 

I don't think she deceived you or anything, but her mind is just not in it to make it work under challenging conditions. You didn't do anything wrong, but you are simply in different phases of your lives right now.

[spazmy]

Hi Penelope. Thanks so much for the post. I think that makes sense. She and I exchanged a few e-mails. The same stuff. She says she misses me. And I said the same thing. But nevertheless, both of us made it a point to emphasize, from our respective ends, why things were not working out. In this sense it seemed we got a lot more honest talking done than ever before. The only thing that saddens me is that she never realized that she was hurting me by being so unmindful of the need to communicate. However, even as I brought this in my mail to her, I also did stress that I won't bear it as a grudge. Will only remember it sadly that she could not give me more attention.

 

I am sad. And sometimes I feel I should contact her again. But then I feel NC is best for a while. Writing to her always goes back to the same thing. Also, it doesn't help to feel older in this situation. I mean I could go out and date -- however, I wish things did not seem as permanent as they do at this stage in life than they did a few years ago. Does anybody else feel the same about dating as they grow older?

[spazmy]

dating is obviously not the most important thing in my mind at this time. But just that drifting away from this girl made me suddenly realize how alone I am at 36. Most of my friends already have children. So it does seem a bit surreal.

[penelope13]

Of course dating becomes more challenging the older we get, firstly because many people are in established relationships, or they have had bad experience with it - and because with more experience we should also get more selective and knowledgeable about our wants, needs, dislikes etc. But you can find love and a long term partner any time in life.