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Well I haven't gone here in a while because it does makes me sad a bit. Even though now when I cry it;s better than it was before. It feels good to cry, to let it out. I feel like I reached this point awhile back. Before it was pain crying, now it's just pain leaving my body. All these factors are helping. I been through a break up before. Surprisingly I do feel like the healing process is going a lot faster this time around. Either that or I just don't remember how long it took me to get from the fresh break up crying and dying point, to the letting go, for the future, moving forward, accepting, being mature and point, of crying. Hope I didn't lose you there, sorry if I don't make sense sometimes I ramble. Now it's about to be 3 months and a half since we broke up.

 

A little post break up info. Well she cheated on me period. With her ex (used to beat her, I just can't avoid bringing this up idk why), and other guys, plural. Well I cheated, in the beginning. I never slept with anyone but I did come close to it. And so I'm living with it and accepting it all. As a man I feel like that's what I should be doing and feeling. We did have something special and amazing that could have lasted more than 2 years after everything we did and been through, woulda thought she would be the thick and thin type. I don't if I got what I deserved but I am accepting it by living with it day to day. Our last intervention she came to my house after a couple weeks we hadn't talked.

 

I'm probably the worst dumpee but this is the background post break up info. Well before she came to my house she changed her number. That hurt. I got her number because I know her password for her email she made with me and it's linked to her phone. So I was able to get it. I know, I know. Well I changed my number. Then she came to my house, had another bad fight. She started counting to ten asking me how I got her number and if I didnt she would "leave and walk away the first time". This was after two months of the BU. I folded my arms and pointed to her car to leave. She started backing away and leaving, stupid me I chased her and begged for 10 minutes to talk. She said no and cussed me out. I grabbed her phone and said oh is this your new phone. I know, I was angry. She was basically choking me for it, and I'll never forget her face and what she said. We were exchanging words while wrestling for the phone and I said that she was retarded for sleeping with the guy the used to beat her because according to her he was her "first". Yet the "second" she has cheated on, smh.

 

She said "Look at my face! Look at my face! Do I look like I care!". Now typing that I realize she may have meant that because of what I said. But I tell you, at that moment, somehow I feel like she meant and was talking about me, about "us". She got in the car, I gave her phone back and said "well have a nice life". Her response was "Whatever, you can suck my (yeah) ". Couple days after that I sent her an email. I made one just to send to her and told her that if she responded I wouldn't read it because of that. Then I told her also I had deleted my old emails. Basically I gave her no way to contact me, only if she came to my house again, if she ever does or would again. The email is hard to explain. But it was pretty much a vent on her but I also stated alot of faults on my end. Basically the things I said in the paragraphs before. Said some angry things but also some letting go things in the end of the email etc.

 

After the email, I did one last check into her email. Kinda the reason why I sent the email, so then I could stop checking hers cause it wasn't helping me move on seeing a window into her life. And so it was the last time I checked her email. To my surprise she still had our email conversations, which as my last checking session I starred one of them, just one. She has two emails starred plus the one that I did, but I don't think about if she notices or not. It was kinda my way of letting her figuring out one day that it was because of the password I knew. Which I totally told her about it too but she never changed it. She did tell that she wouldn't read all of my texts or voicemails before she changed her number. Anyways she still has our conversations and some of our pictures. She still has me under my old number. Also under the contact title "...", and also the email I sent her, she kept it and starred it under "Personal". Honestly I thought she would have deleted everything by now, especially like not even open my email and put it in the trash to delete.

 

That was the last time I checked her email, and sometimes I think maybe she was the type to hold on the old things. She prolly always had contact with her ex, who knows, I won't ever I guess, but it's ok. It has been a month since she came to my house and since the email I sent her. I stopped checking her email, I think I'm done with that cause I really don't want to know, or at least i've convinced myself that it's not the right choice for me to move on. I have her number, maybe shes figured it out by now that I changed my number because when she came to my house she was asking me if I blocked her. I stopped checking email, and I stopped contacting her.

 

Now for some reason I am really really really battling with something. And this is really really hard for me. There is no doubt in my mind that I am definitely stronger now and simply, I accept and understand that we were just simply not meant to be. That and the fact that I am living and learning to forgive her and MYSELF for everything that between us underneath the moon. Sometimes my head hurts to even think about how much time has passed like it annoys me and sometimes I think like you know, just be over it. Now though I think I've reached a holiday something. I feel stuck.

 

Since the break up my life has gotten better and I am feeling a lot better. I still constantly think about her and us ALL THE TIME but it stays numb now or just a letting go feeling. I cry when I feel like I have too. It's been a battle half of the times to not text/call her. The email thing I got down. It's just right now I feel stuck on the though of contacting her. I just can't seem to get over it. This has been with me for about a week or two. Everyday that I resist it, it feels good. Still though it's on my mind so much. When I battle with it, I just end up with the same conclusions that she would probably respond in a bad way, or just not respond or just block me or cuss me out etc. Endless bad possibilities. But the thing it, I'm not really looking for good ones either. Like I said, I feel like I'm just better at accepting it all. For me there's a 0.00000001% chance that she would respond, and we would keep talking,and we would make it work not matter what because she loves me. And I don't want to hold on to any kind of chance, and I simply want to accept it and make new memories and love someone new. Idk what stage I'm in most of the time but I know I'm moving forward.

 

After she came to my house and the email, I got life together and now I'm just living it. Now on the other hand, I really need help cause I feel like I'm just justifying my reasons to contact her. Like my other mind tells me that it would be an option for my healing process. Good, bad, or no response will just propel me furthur. And if she did respond bad, I would be mature and be the person that is happy for her and letting go kind of response I would give. I even manage to type out what I would want to send to her.

 

"Hey, its me. This is my cell phone number. Truth and

conclusion for me is your right, I did cheat and I started

it. You finished it with cheating. I, got what I deserved and

I was a to you. I'm living with it and

I'm sorry I was/I am the one that makes you

do the opposite of smile. Your a beautiful person and I'm

happy for you. No hard feelings from me on my end anymore

and wishing you a happy holidays."

 

Lastly, I feel like my other mind is just tricking me. Because I know that I'll feel like day one again. I know that Ill always be checking my phone again. Maybe I'm starting to convince myself that the mature way would be to tell her this, give my number. And whether she deletes it, blocks it, never responds ever again, that at least I told her that I don't have hard feelings. That at least I left a line of communication. That maturely I would grow because I don't have the feelings I had anymore even if we had any interactions in my life again. I mean it was hard with my other break up because I would see and talk to her every week. Eventually I got over that, and I got over it when I stopped trying to avoid her and not showing her weakness. Maybe I want another chance to show her that I don't need her, surviving without her, accept everything, and am genuinely happy for her since the last time she saw me I messed up and begged her to talk to me. I really don't know. Any advice or support is appreciated.

 

My resistant side is telling me to definitely not do it, silence says everything. I just feel like well you know, I'm happy for her. My post BU actions were immature. Kinda dumb for me to change my number then give it to her, after she changed her number which hurt and showed me she wanted nothing to do with me. Sent an email but didn't want a response because it might hurt. I feel like it's at a breaking point now. Like I'm going to send the text, and start this walking on this new type of gravel underneath my bare feet as I walk on my path to healing.

 

Also I would probably be sending a Christmas one and future events/holidays, whether good or bad responses in mind, and I really don't know if I could handle it. It's not I want to be her friend or hang out with but I wish we didn't hate each other. Or I wish that we didn't end so badly. And that genuinely I wish her the best and for her to be happy. I feel like if I do this though I'm gonna back to calling her and private calling and man I hate myself for doing things like that. But then on the hand I can't, I won't call or text because I've accepted it's done. If she contacts Ill know how to handle it because of the mindset I have of accepting that we had blast in our time period, the bad things that happened, and that if it's meant to be later then it'll all come to place. But how could it happen if she dont have my number. Idk I'm going crazy. Any insight would be much appreciated.

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