Narcissist - I have diagnosed my ex as being one but still miss her.

[bt1980]

Hi People.

I have dated my gf for over 8 years and she is the first girlfriend I had really. It started nice and dandy.

In recent years though and in fact early on in the relationship, I noticed that she had the ability to cheat. Going missing and not answering phone etc. Then expecting nothing to be mentioned when I could finally get to see her. She has seen blokes behind my back, even going to a hotel room with one of them - he as it happens came to my door one night and told me that he had split from my girlfriend and wanted to bring some stuff back - she had been telling him that her aunt lived there (my house) and he had always been dropping her to her house (ie. my house)

 

ANyway, she blames me for her cheating because of me persuading her to have an abortion four years ago. ANd although I agree with her, the reason I wanted this was because I didnt think she was ready for a child as even then she was lying and deceiving me and I was worried about having a less than perfect family. But we stayed together and I could still se ethat she was a lie and cheat as she would see people ie men behind my back and I was expected to like it cos she needed her friends. SHe would not let me onn her facebook. SHe said I stalked her and her friends so she deleted me years ago. I did look at her friends profiles yes but only cos I knew she was lying to me about things.

 

All in all though, shje always came out with telling me she loved me and cried when we argued and somehow made me feel that it was my fault.

 

I confronted her the other day and asked her, why are u with me. It develioped into her saying I have never given what I promised her and all came back onto me and in the end when she said, why dont u just dump me then. I Walked off and she walked the other way.

 

SHe called to say she would be round mine in an hour to collect her xmas tree as she said the star means a lot to her. (symbolizing our aborted baby)

 

I also do regret having the abortion as that may have brought us together and Id love a kid. I know its harder for the woman and cant imagine what pain it must make her feel. But on the relationship side of things I think she maybe using it as a tool to win me over.

 

I just wondered if anyone thought from what I have said, does she have traits of being a narcissist. We have not spioken since she picked up the tree. SHe text straight after that and said "Wish u all the best x"...................I didnt reply and instyead just keep reading up on narcisssism which I am sure describes her to a T.

[Edmund Exley]

When you get to the point that you have to diagnosis someone to understand their behavior than the best thing to do is be done.

[Dcgent]

It sounds incredibly toxic. I would leave the relationship and work on yourself and not worry about diagnosing anyone.

[Cheetarah]

You diagnosed her yourself, did you? Amazing - Who needs schooling and training? Waste of money!

 

She merely sounds like a cheater, and a person that resents you(the abortion and cheating are totally separate issues - Is unfair to blame her infidelity on that, and very typical of a person who cheats, to blame shift). Find out why you stayed knowing what you knew, and be glad that it's finally over.

[Edmund Exley]

You diagnosed her yourself, did you? Amazing - Who needs schooling and training? Waste of money!

 

She merely sounds like a cheater, and a person that resents you(the abortion and cheating are totally separate issues - Is unfair to blame her infidelity on that, and very typical of a person who cheats, to blame shift). Find out why you stayed knowing what you knew, and be glad that it's finally over.

 

The bigger issue is his willingness to accept that blame. There is no acceptable reason for cheating.

[Cheetarah]

The bigger issue is his willingness to accept that blame. There is no acceptable reason for cheating.

 

No, there isn't. I believe she probably does have resentment about the abortion, and it's terrible when people use traumas past or present to justify separate actions(the cheating). If OP has guilt tied up with that abortion as well, it would explain some of the willingness to accept that blame. Because that's a hot, emotional button right there and she may be just enough of an ass to use it to her advantage.

 

Although they have been dating for 8 years and she was cheating prior to that abortion, so it sounds like he's accepted blame for the long haul before that even came into play.

[bt1980]

Wow......quick responses.

 

I diagnosed her myself in that I read up alot of the traits associated with the condition known as Narcissism and she uncannily seems to tick all the boxes. Obvioulsy not a clinical diagnosis but a personal one! It is just her ability to show no empathy to what her cheating does to me. And when I find out she shifts blame or says its all innocent when I know it isnt! I have gone through so much turmoil in my mind over the years with her but think I am finally seeing that it is her and not me. I think I let her get away with so much for so long becasue I was worried about being alone.

 

I guess the purpose of this post is to just occupy my mind as I do miss her somewhat - not massively but I do miss her. I find her attractive and that makes it harder! Its just a horrible thing knowing that if she does have this personality disorder then she wont even be bothered or caring about me but just be tapping up some other bloke friend she can lay her hands on.

[Edmund Exley]

Wow......quick responses.

 

I diagnosed her myself in that I read up alot of the traits associated with the condition known as Narcissism and she uncannily seems to tick all the boxes. Obvioulsy not a clinical diagnosis but a personal one! It is just her ability to show no empathy to what her cheating does to me.

 

I think you really should focus more on diagnosing yourself and understanding why you would accept someone cheating on you? Where's your own self esteem? Self worth? Self empathy?

[ParisPaulette]

Given everything you've told us about this woman including the fact that her behavior was identical both before and after the abortion with the cheating, I think it's actually safe to say this is a woman who should not have kids. Not until she gets help for that (not so) little problem of lying and cheating on people. And her now trying to say she acted like and pinning that on her unborn child and you is just further proof this woman is neither relationship nor motherhood material. In fact, I'd say she's a little bit off in the mental and emotional departments and let's just call it a day.

 

Return her things to her, if she brings up the whole "you made me cheat" thing again calmly remind her she was cheating on you before that and then ask her to leave. Then go full NC and block and delete her on every communication channel she has to you. I know you haven't done that and it's a good part of what's sticking you in the whole thing. And as you are finding out the hard way, attractive on the outside isn't always attractive on the inside. Remember that one day old age will happen and when it does her looks won't matter one fig to you or anyone else, just what's inside and how she treats others.

[infectedpsy]

Good for you for the diagnosis and research. Most professionals can't diagnose psychopaths\narcissists as half of them don't even know they exist or lack the experience of being up close and personal with one. Personal experience > "Doctors".

 

I speak from experience. You didn't fall in love with the person, you fell in love with the character. The mask of sanity has slipped, and you were able to see for yourself what she is, a human chameleon, without the human emotion and compassion. 1 rule to follow with these people NO CANTACT EVER AGAN (NCEA).

[IAmFCA]

Been there, done that. "Fell in love with the character"- yes, I will use that again. I missed him the way an addict misses a drug. Climbing back out gave me the opportunity to fix some interior damage. In a way, it was a gift.

 

Never again. Fix your vision on a new future, relaxed, no chaos, populated by healthy friends.go there.