Is it wise to ignore my ex-bf's messages if I want him back?

[Tryingtobestrong]

Dear Keefy,

 

thanks for your post. I hope he is realising that he is the one initiating all the contact between us. And I also hope that he does not know that I still love him and would like to get back together. If he does, then he probably wont come back, as humans never want what they can have.

 

Okay, following the advice I got on here, I sent him a reply today. I would have liked to wait a few more days, after all he usually takes 1-2 weeks to get back to me, but I still sent him a reply.

 

My message was nice and friendly. I told him in a few words how I was doing, asked him about his family and our friends in England that he visited, congratulated him on his payrise and sent him a link for the TV license.

 

Now it is back to waiting for a reply from him. The least he should do is send me a 'thank you' mail for sending him the info he asked for. If I dont hear from him for a couple of days, then I know he was just checking if I was still there, but he is not interested in reestablishing some sort of relationship.

 

Let's see what happens. What I care most about, is to not get too worked up about this. I can't let him rule my emotions anymore.

 

At least I sent him an email. So if I dont hear from him I wont have to wonder if he got my text or not. Emails dont get lost.

 

I'll keep you all posted.

 

Good luck for you in your own endeavours. Hope you all feel good.

[detox5]

keep us informed, just keep what you doing, im gonna work my way up to your level, but the difference with me is that me and my ex talk online alot cause shes at work, so i have the disadvantage here, at least you dont have the opitunity to talk to him if you get what i mean.

 

But keep what you are doing, what are you doing to keep busy btw, have you dated anyone at all?

[Tryingtobestrong]

HI Detox,

 

I know what you mean. Are you still talking to her online? I have posted my profile on a few dating sites and am talking to a few guys on a casual level. I have not met anyone so far, because none of the guys I like live in my area.

 

Okay, so here is the update.

 

I wrote him last night and he replied this morning.

 

First he told me a bit about family and friends in England, then he said:

'You are a star. Thanks for the info about the TV license. (Easy to find but an excuse to contact you).'

 

He ended the mail with 'look after yourself, Name'.

 

So I guess his mail was friendly and polite, but nothing beyond that. He did not ask any questions or say anything that would require a reply, so I am not going to.

 

I guess I am just going to sit back, concentrate on my exams and see if, when and how he contacts me again.

 

I liked Keefy's idea of sending him a text out of the blue, but I am going to wait with it until after my exams. If I have not heard from him by then (beginning of february) I might send him a text saying that my exams are over and I wanted to let him know. Well, that's 3 weeks away, so I will see how I feel then.

 

What do you guys think about his mail?

[PrincessLinzay]

~Hey Tryingtobestrong~

 

Well, he admitted that he asked about the TV license as an excuse to contact you. That would be a good thing.

 

 

I like your idea not to reply, as he really didn't ask any questions which would require a response. Waiting the three weeks until exams are over sounds like a good plan to me. Hang in there hun. You're doing great.

[keefy1972]

Yes, you are doing splendid. I told you that he practically told you it was an excuse to contact you. I don't think you are going to have to wait three weeks, personally, but only because I am positive he will give you some cause for a response within a week. But if not, 3 weeks is perfect. Keep it up, you are doing great!!!

[detox5]

he too may be scared at this point, if you are with someone or whatever, i think I remember being careful when contactin my ex again, maybe hes being cautious, and i agree with dear old keefy, you wont have to wait 3 weeks.

[Tryingtobestrong]

Hi everyone,

today, 6 days later he sent me another email. I never replied to his last post and in his mail he is complaining about it. His exact words were: "Did not answer my last email so there are still some unanswered questions but I will survive."

 

Then he asked me a question about some info I can get at work. He did not say so, but I think it was another excuse to contact me. He finished his mail with: "Good luck for your exams and hope to hear from you soon. Love Name"

 

I am happy that he mailed me and that he closed his mail with 'Love', but the overall tone of his mail is not too friendly. Maybe I am overreacting, but I think it sounds accusatory. I want to reply, but I dont know if I should, and if I do, what should I say? I feel like saying something like: "What do you want from me?" But I dont think the time is ripe for this yet.

 

If you have any opinions, please let me know. Thanks.

[Mun]

What do you want from me?

 

I thought the original idea of your post was that you were afraid to ignore his emails because you wanted him back??

 

I doubt he is going to come right out and say " I want to get back together" If you wait for those magic words you will wait forever. What is most likely to happen is that he will test the waters and check out how both of you get along now.

 

He is making an effort here to communicate with you, respond and see what he is about.

[Tryingtobestrong]

Dear Muneca,

 

you are right, I still want him back and that was the original idea of my post. Now I dont wonder anymore if I should reply or not, but what should I say.

 

I would love to start all over again with him, but I am afraid that he only wants to be friends and nothing more. And I can't do that right now. But I am scared to ask him if that is all he wants, because somehow I am clinging to the hope that if I dont say a thing he might decide that he would like to try again. Do you know what I mean?

 

Most of the advice threads on here tell us to do NC for a while and to not react when he asks how you are doing because he is just testing the waters, and once he knows you still like him he will go away again.

 

So I dont want to make this mistake. Maybe it is too early to reastablish contact as this wont make him make up his mind about us, and he will leave me in this limbo forever. It has been nearly 4 months already!

 

I see where you are coming from, but I thought it was clear from my posts that I want him back. If not, let me say it again: I WANT HIM BACK

 

What I dont want to do, is make a mistake. I dont want to give him the impression that I am fine with only being friends and I am scared that he will think so if I just reply friendly to his emails without ever bringing up anything personal.

 

Your last sentence somehow strikes a chore. I thought I was letting him go. As I said on here I have not contacted him in over a month and dont reply to all his messages. Yes, I think about him constantly, but I am not telling him. What more can I do? Do you suggest I have to tell him that I dont want to hear from him again? I dont want to do that.

[PrincessLinzay]

HeyTringtobestrong~

 

I think so far you have been doing really well. You did the NC, and only responded to him at his initiation, but, once they start contacting you, if you don't respond, they might just go away.

 

You don't have to lay all your cards on the table. You can keep it light and only talk about serious things if he asks or brings it up himself. You can look for clues that he's trying to get you to open up, but never be the first one to do it.

 

I think a response of some kind is in order, but that doesn't mean he has to know you still want him back. Hang in there!

[Mun]

I think you could respond with a friendly, flirty remark and leave it at that. You don't have to expose your heart and you shouldn't ask what his intentions are. For the moment his intentions are to be friendly...that's it, so be friendly back. Don't look beyond the obvious right now: he is making contact.

 

For now that is all you need to know and that is what you respond to.

 

I had read here on the forums ( from a guy) that a man will stop chasing if he sees that he is not making progress...so give a little, but not TOO MUCH. You aren't there yet

[Tryingtobestrong]

Hi,

 

so I sent him a nice, sweet mail this morning. 10 minutes later I got a reply in which he once more did not ask me any questions. He just thanked me again for getting him the info that he wanted.

 

So what now? He did not ask anything, so I dont really have a reason to reply. But if I dont he will probably get upset again and ask me why I am ignoring him, or as he put it in his mail today: "What has happened to you?"

 

Feel a bit like I am in a pickle now. My inclination would be to not contact him until I hear from him again, or at least wait until my exams are over, that's only 2 weeks from now.

 

But if I read your posts correctly, then you think that would not be a good idea. Why could not he at least ask me how I am doing? Then I would have an excuse to reply.

The good points of his mail are that he answered straight away, called me 'Sweetie' and signed with his nickname that I gave him, which he has not done in months.

 

I guess by now you will all be bored of my drama. Hope you are not as pathetic as me.

[PrincessLinzay]

I think you're doing swell

 

I can't say I would reply either if he didn't ask me any questions. I might have said when he was complaining about you not contacting him something along the lines of "You hadn't asked me anything" in a light way.

 

It's definitely a good sign that he's responding so promtly, he's obviously checkin his email for a your replies. Good going~!

[Tryingtobestrong]

I dont know why but for about 5 days now I am feeling so depressed and sad. I spent nearly the whole weekend in bed crying and thinking about my ex.

 

I did not reply to his last mail and he has not contacted me since either. Today it is 7 days since he last sent me an email.

 

I am thinking about him all the time, I even imagine at night how he is lying in his bed, and how he is wearing his old washed out t-shirt. I also think about how he curls up underneath the duvet that we used to share.

 

I feel like I am going crazy or slipping into a deep depression.

 

I miss him so much and it takes all my strength to not call him and tell him how much I love and miss him.

 

I feel so lost and dont know what to do.

I know, I could just write him an email and act as if I was just busy and that's why I did not reply for a week, but somehow I dont want to do it.

 

I want to know that he cares about me and that he is going to contact me again, even if I dont reply to his messages. But it is soooooooo hard to just sit and wait.

 

I need some encourgaging words, something along the lines of:

"Stay strong girl. Dont contact him. I am sure he will contact you again in just a few days. If you want to get him back, you have to make him believe that he lost you,..."

 

You know what I mean. Please guys, anyone!?

[Foz]

if it is any consolation i thought i would never hear from my ex again and now i have heard from him once a week for the past 3 weeks.

he has initiated all the contact.

i too struggled with the no contact thing but i kept on focusing on the last phone call we had in november and how crap i felt afterwards and how i did not get the answers i wanted from him. That stopped me calling, emailing, texting until i finally got used to the fact that i would probably never hear from him again.

that is till i got drunk 3 weeks ago and rang him and since then well he has been initiating quite a bit of contact which is confusing the living daylights out of me!!

believe me, he will contact you again.

[Tryingtobestrong]

Hi,

 

shortly after I wrote my previous post I could not take it anymore. I broke. I sent my ex an email asking if he wants to meet for a drink. That was over 2 hours ago and I have not heard from him since. (He works on a pc, so I know that he always has his email programm open)

 

The strange thing is that since then I am feeling much calmer. It drove me crazy to think that there was something I could do to increase the chances of reconcilliation, but I did not know what.

 

Now I put myself on the line. If he does not want to meet or even reply to me, then at least I know that I did what I could. I took a risk and ignored my pride. Now it is in his hands, and I can only wait and see what he is going to do.

 

If he ignores my email or tells me he is busy without asking for a reschedule, than I guess that he does not want to see me, and all his frequent contacts in the last few weeks dont mean a thing.

 

I am glad I sent him an email and no text message. If he had not replied to a text then I would go crazy asking myself if he got it or not. An email does not get lost, so I know that he got it for sure.

 

I will keep you posted and let you know if and what he replied.

 

Thanks for your help.

[Tryingtobestrong]

Hi,

 

so I did not hear from him at all yesterday. Felt really bad about that, but after some time I accepted that no answer was an answer as well, and that all his emails did not mean anything.

 

So I went to university this morning and decided to stay in the library until it closes and to study for my other exams, instead of running home after class and checking my emails every couple of minutes to see if he replied.

 

A few minutes after that I checked my mobile and I had received a text from him. In it he apologized for not replying earlier, but he claimed that he had not seen my email yesterday. He also wrote that he was gonna call me later.

 

Now that might be true or not. Important point is that I asked him to meet, and if he really did not get it yesterday, but wanted to meet me, then he would suggest some other time, right?

 

Well, he called me at 6pm, right when he was leaving work. We talked for about 10 minutes about what we had been up to and what was new, etc. Then he said that he was getting on the bus and had to hang up. So I thought, okay, that's it. but to my surprise he said that he was gonna call me back later.

 

He did call 3 hours later and we talked for 35 minutes. We talked about all kinds of things. Among which he said that I had not written him in 10 thousand years. To which I had to reply that it was actually only a week since I last wrote to him. Funny, to me it seems like 10000 years if I dont hear from him, but I did not think that he would feel this way too.

 

Anyway, after about half an hour we ran out of things to say and so we started to say goodbye. He did not just say goodbye, but a few floscels like, take care of yourself, good luck for your exams, dont work too hard,...

 

So after a few of them I said that it was great talking to him and that he should give me a call or send me an email sometime. He answered with 'yeah, maybe we can arrange something, sometime'. And then we said goodbye and hung up.

 

So he did not ask to meet up, I guess that means that his emails were not an attempt to test the water for getting back together, but he just wanted to talk to me.

 

He sounded like he cared about me as a human being or friend, but certainly not more.

 

Luckily I did not feel like 'I love you, I want you, please come back to me', but I just felt really close to him like to a really close friend.

 

It was good talking to him, right now I dont feel like I need him back, but who knows how I will feel tomorrow and in the next few days.

 

Was it a mistake to call him? Right now I dont think so. But I do know now that he does not want to get back together.

[qt]

i've had that similar feeling. i sort of avoided contactin my ex and he texted me last night. took me 20mins to decide to actually reply. im strong in the sense that i didnt text him, he texted me, but maybe im just being silly.

i dont think it was a mistake for the call. if your right, in that he doesnt want to get back, at least little things like the way he talks to you makes you realises wats going on.

 

the most diffciult aspect of ex reltionships is the uncertainty. i hav that right now, becasue i knw my ex still loves me but i ddnt know whether we'll be together again or whether he'll decide to be with his other ex

 

qt xxx

[Tryingtobestrong]

HI,

 

just want to post an update.

 

Since we spoke on the phone jan 26th, I have not heard a thing from him. 16 days of NC so far. Longest he ever went since he broke up with me over 4 months ago.

 

I really dont understand it. After all his emails in january and his seeming to edge closer to me, suddenly nothing.

 

I dont know what I did wrong. Maybe I should not have asked him to meet, but if he does not want to be friends, then he should not send me emails and texts.

 

For now I have decided to not contact him until I hear from him, but if he does not contact me for a few more weeks, I might change my mind.

 

Anyone been in a similar situation, or has any ideas what caused him to disappear?

 

As you can probably tell from my message, I am not heartbroken over this, but mostly confused. I might actually be on my way to recovery, but I realize that I will probably suffer some relapses.

 

Would love to hear from you all.

[PrincessLinzay]

Hey hun. A little snag, nothing more. Im glad to see that this isn't setting you back. You've been doing so well.

 

I think you have the right idea. Don't contact him again, let him contact you. Either way it won't hurt anything.

 

Hang in there.

[Tryingtobestrong]

Hi Princess,

thanks for taking the time to reply.

 

You are right, I am just going to wait and see if he contacts me again. When he does I will decide if I want to reply or not.

 

Just a quick question. What do you mean by 'Just a little snag' ? I am not sure what you are referring to. I still have no idea why he decided to disappear, so if you might have an inkling, let me know.

[Leges39]

I think that you need to stop thinking about him for now. and reinvest in yourself.

 

only he knows why he fell out of love with you as you said. but racking your brain on that will not help and will certainly not bring him back. if he wants to be with you, he will tell you. did he feel smothered by your relationship or limited or did the relationship just get tired? if so, you need to do what you can to recreate the mistery that you had the day you two met. honestly, the chemistry is probably still there, but you need to become that independent girl he met and maybe lay off the family thing for a while....i know you are 28, but women are having children later and later...

 

i am in a situation where my ex moved out and i swallowed my pride and remained dating her, but in the meantime i turned into this mopy, unsure, lost soul that was not attractive to her at all.....i had to go to no contact to regain what i had and learn to live without her...but more inportantly to show her i am happy in my life without her and become that guy she met and fell in love with.....i asked her point blank two times during the period i held on after our brekup and she told me that she did not see us getting back together....but who would want to get with me as much as a mess i was....so i removed myself from the situation and tried to regain my composure.....we now talk and i found that she still has our picture by her couch in her living room as if i am still the guy in her life...does this mean anything? i don't know, but atleast i know she thinks about me...now i just need to not crowd her and give her the space she wanted, have fun when i am with her, not talk about relationship, and show her i have my own life again....

 

link removed

[PrincessLinzay]

I meant it's just a little bump in the road.

 

Im as clueless as you when it comes to why he hasn't been contacting you. Could be because he felt you held all the power since he was constantly calling and emailing you. Wants to see if you would cave and contact him if he wasn't doing it. Could be a plethera of other reasons also.

 

You've come a long way since the beginning. Before you would have been hurt and depressed at this lack of contact, and Im so proud that you're just pushing forward. It's good to take on the attitude of "if it happens it happens".

 

Keep doing what you're doing, it seems to be working for you!

[Tryingtobestrong]

Today it is exactly 4 weeks since he last contacted me.

 

5 months of being broken up, 4 weeks of NC and I still think about him every day.

 

Everything seems to remind me of him. We have only been together for 2.5 years, but every aspect of my life seemed to be interwoven with him.

 

Even though I still cry about him every couple of days, I believe that I am generally doing better than a few months ago. This recent NC has forced me to accept that it is really over and somehow pushed me into the direction of healing, if that makes sense.

 

I still miss him and am often tempted to send him an email that says 'Hi how are you? I miss talking to you' but I always stop myself because something tells me this would be a mistake.

 

I have no idea what is happening in his life and if he has someone new, but it is probably for the best that I dont. All I need to know is that he broke up with me 5! months ago and that he is not trying to stay in touch with me, even though I showed and told him many times that I would like that. Do you agree?

 

Losing the one you love and shared your life with hurts so much, as I am sure you all know, but I hope there is a reason for all this, and that I will realise this reason one day.

 

Just felt like posting today. Hope you are all feeling strong.

[Leges39]

I have no idea what is happening in his life and if he has someone new, but it is probably for the best that I dont. All I need to know is that he broke up with me 5! months ago and that he is not trying to stay in touch with me, even though I showed and told him many times that I would like that. Do you agree?

 

You are slowly going to tear at yourself and your soul if you start thinking about what he is doing or who he is seeing, if anyone. i did and now i am feeling disapointed in myself for doing it, because ultimately there is nothing, nothing you can do to stop it. Think about it this way. if he is with someone new, he most likely will be comparing this person to you and they may not measure up to what you two had together and he may see that the grass is not greener on the otherside. Just don't think about what or who or why...just accept it and move on with taking care of yourself for now.

 

as for wanting contact with him, until you are in a place that you can be with him or talk with him and not get all emotional and want to rehash the past, stay away. it is that simple, but extremly difficult.