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problems with jealous friend...


s0rry

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This girl and I started hanging out in January of this year. She was real cool all around at first there were a couple of things that put me off..like one time at ihop she was extremely rude to our server for no reason (i waitressed for 2 years so this bothered me) and once we were looking to bum a smoke at a club and she says "you ask you're prettier than me" just little things like that. Well down the road we end up relocating to a new city and moving in with our guy friend Tay who she has a huge crush on/hooks up with. In the past couple of months I've noticed her becoming increasingly difficult to deal with. She gets jealous if Tay and I spend any time alone together even though I'm not interested in him. Once the 2 of us were bored so we walked to her work to hang out with her and she was obviously upset that we had taken a 20 minute walk together. She also gets mad at him and then takes it out on me. He doesn't really help the situation cuz he'll make sexual jokes and comments about my body which is something he does to EVERYONE, but she gets real mad about it. A couple weeks ago he commented "daaaaaamn" on one of my fb pictures and she was livid. I got home from class and she started going off on how disrespectful he was for doing that and while i agree that he should know better, her episode was much worse. For the rest of the week she lashed out at me every chance she got. I had a strong sense she was looking for any reason to bully me and treat me like an idiot especially in front of other people. One day that week I actually left the apartment the entire day to give her some space to mellow out and as soon as i got home she starts grilling me about whether or not i left the oven on earlier (turns out Tay was going to heat up a pizza but forgot about it) but she was visibly excited to attack me like that. Luckily I went to visit family for a week and she chilled out when I got back but I feel some similar bs starting up again. Another thing that I've noticed is that she is very bratty when she doesn't get her way. When I say no to her she makes sure I suffer for it but it's ok for her to say no to me anytime. The other night I was sick and trying to sleep and she gets on skype with her friend and starts being really loud (which is already super inconsiderate cuz our apt in tiny). i only asked her to turn the volume down and she snaps "it's 9pm i'm not going to be quiet at 9 pm" She claims we're best friends but i'm truly a way better friend to her than she is to me. I'm not at all the kind of girl who competes with other females i know my worth and frankly i'm really awesome i really wish she felt the same about herself. Even when i'm in my worst moods that weird mean girl stuff never crosses my mind. Does anyone have any advice on how to improve this?? I've confronted her about it before but she just looks at me like im speaking another language. it makes me want to hit her!! i feel like there's this alpha-female role she's trying to obtain...that's not how true friendship works and it's never gonna happen. Any advice is much appreciated.

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Time to move out. For some reason, she sees you as her enemy--and she's doing the "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" tactic with you.

 

This is something you can't fix. The only thing you can do is remove yourself from the source of all of this dysfunction, which is this chick. She's got some serious problems.

 

Why hasn't Tay told her he's not interested in her in that way?

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I also think it is time to move out. I doubt she will ever see how she is wrong in this situation. I find it awfully difficult to have an attitude like hers when I know that the basis for such behavior is unsubstantiated. So you could point out to her all of the things she is doing and how unreasonable and rude it is but it won't matter. If she didn't feel justified to do and say the things she does, she wouldn't be doing it.

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In a word, frenemy.

 

There are some girls who are like that -they'll compete with you for everything whether trivial or not. I've never had to deal with a frenemy before, but if I had to, I'd be done with her immediately. A couple of my friends though, have had to deal with frenemies before...and inevitably, the frenemy gets dumped. It would be impossible to deal with that sort of negative energy for long.

 

I'd advise you to move out to another apartment. I'm sure there are other people in the city looking for new roommates. You'll get to meet new people that way, and get space and distance from your "friend". Without you to blame for everything, her and her "boyfriend" Tay, will have to confront their issues finally instead of using you as a buffer.

 

Familiarity breeds contempt, and in such close quarters, that's what's happening here. Further, if you're super passive and relaxed about her bad behavior most of the time and not calling her out on it each time, she'll think she can walk all over you and treat you that way anytime. Confronting her just once -is not good enough, you have to call her out on her behavior EVERY time it happens. It's like training a new puppy at home. If you yell at it a few hours after it's pooped, it won't understand what it's done wrong. If you yell at it immediately after it's pooped, the puppy will now understand what it's done wrong.

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She sounds extremely unstable and difficult. I'd remove myself from that situation.

 

Have you had a discussion with her about her behavior yet? Maybe she doesn't realize how bad her attitude has become. I'd sit her down and tell her you're no longer going to put up with any of it.

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Sounds like she's trying to boost herself by berating you, which is definitely not healthy for you.

 

And it's being fuelled by her non-relationship with your roommate - who, honestly, should have sat her down and told her bluntly he's not interested. And refrained from knocking boots with someone who is infatuated with him that he's only interested in FWB.

 

I agree with "move out." I know, not necessarily easy - but it seems the only way this will be resolved from your side is to get out of this equation. Right now she seems to have convinced herself you're the thing making her problems. You're a scapegoat, and she isn't going to stop treating you like her personal whipping girl unless you get out of the situation completely.

 

If you can't - it's time to make some very, very clear boundaries that will demand respect. She won't like you for it. But that's no loss - she doesn't LIKE you now, or she wouldn't be lashing out at you constantly.

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My thought is, there are so many nice people in this world that why would you waste your time and energy trying to kindle a friendship with a person like that? If they choose to act that way to their friends, either they will have enough friends to accept that treatment that you don't need to put up with it or they will realize that they need to change if they actually want to have some friends in this world.

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Time to move out. For some reason, she sees you as her enemy--and she's doing the "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" tactic with you.

 

This is something you can't fix. The only thing you can do is remove yourself from the source of all of this dysfunction, which is this chick. She's got some serious problems.

 

Why hasn't Tay told her he's not interested in her in that way?

 

 

he has but i'm not quite sure what his exact words were. knowing him and her, he probably wasn't firm enough so she's still holding out hope that he'll change his mind. he has told me that he doesn't want a relationship like that with anyone and that his last girlfriend was really mean to him.

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yea she never apologizes. she appears to be proud of herself while she's doing it too. it always seems to happen whenever tay is around more often. i think it upsets her that me and her are pretty much equal to him, he treats us exactly the same except he bangs her sometimes. yesterday she was acting up again and i just up and left the restaurant the 3 of us were at cuz i was about to smack this girl. later when they got home i was still pissed. tay is very aware of these habits of hers and kept asking me again and again "what can i do to cheer you up?" and she speaks for me and says "she's fine" and seemed just happy as a clam that she got to spend the day alone with him. it's pathetic and i am planning to move asap.

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it's sad that she's trying to make me her enemy i've been an awesome friend to her. im planning to move as soon as i can. i feel sorry for her because i know once im gone she'll start taking out her frustrations on him cuz he's the only one around and he is not going to tolerate it. she seems to want this crazy control over both of us. either way she's just gonna stay unhappy unless she checks herself.

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i remove myself from her wrath constantly but it's never good enough. i haven't really sat down with her about it because i have the feeling she is just too insecure to admit to it. she sees me as too much of a threat to be really honest with me about it.

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how should i go about setting boundaries? lol sorry if its a dumb question but usually when people treat me this way i cut them out, never had a situation like this before. i will have to deal with her for a while before i can move (i have a pit bull so it's very hard to find housing) and i agree that she has chosen not to like me which is such a poor choice as im not a threat to her and my intentions are good. i do wanna help her figure that out and get some confidence in her but i don't think thats even possible

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i do wanna help her figure that out and get some confidence in her but i don't think thats even possible

 

No don't waste your time and energy on that. SHE is the one who has to realize that her behavior is improper and needs serious adjustment. By the sounds of it she seems to think she is justified in her actions.

 

I've had some very bad experiences with some female roommates who used to be friends before moving in, but once we lived together it seemed I had a totally different person in front of me and no rational discussion was possible.

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how should i go about setting boundaries?

 

Boundary is simply what you say yes or no to.

 

You can be constructive or destructive when setting your boundary. Destructive would be aggression -attacking back when getting hurt or passivity -hiding & avoiding the issue. It seems you have been doing the latter. Neither of the aformentioned lead to improving boundaries.

 

The constructive way to set your boundaries is to be assertive, by staying positive but strong in standing your ground/standing up for yourself. Be honest to yourself, and to your friend.

 

For example, when your friend didn't let you speak for yourself and said you were "fine" even though you weren't, instead of remaining silent, you should, without anger, calmly state, "Actually, no, I'm not fine because(give your reason)". Even if your friend starts getting catty, just remain calm and firm in your answer. Define to your friend what is important to you in a friendship. Tell her that you cannot continue the friendship if she continues to behave in that way. Your boundary was crossed and there is a consequence.

 

If you don’t learn how to say "No", others will take you for granted and lose respect for you. Understand that "No's are delivered from the space of knowing yourself, rather than trying to work out and decipher the mindset of another individual. Creating boundaries is not about convincing someone else to behave in a way that YOU THINK THEY SHOULD. It is about YOU behaving the way you want your life to go. Make sure people have respect for YOU as a person first. If they don't respect you, they definitely won't respect your boundaries.

 

i do wanna help her figure that out and get some confidence in her but i don't think thats even possible.

 

Of course you care about this person, but do you care about her more than you care about yourself? YOU'RE starting to appear to be the person with low self-esteem issues, not her. You are definitely in the "doormat" and "pushover" territory at this point, and I think your friend knows this and is fully taking advantage of it. You'll be surprise how much more respect you'll gain from her once you say "no" to her bad behavior. It has to be a solid strong "no" that comes from deep within and from a person who has a backbone. No wishy-washiness.

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